360shoes

Some people will probably want to slap me but I am starting to see the beauty in the midst of this horror. I have hit rock bottom several times but it didn't really stop me. I just crawled up from it a few feet and fell back down again and again.

Underneath rock bottom is another layer. It took a long painful while to fall through that layer but underneath it I found the calm of just surrendering. I found a peace I didn't know existed.

Asking for help and receiving it has been one of the most beautiful gifts I have gotten from getting out of this god awful way of living.

Once I let go of hanging on to that rock, I started to see a small light of hope.

I hope to never forget the bottom but I also want to look back and see the gift that it was. A painful gift but still a gift.

MLD51

I 100% understand and identify with what you are saying. I had the same experience. The calm of surrendering. Dropping the rock. Actually asking for and getting help. I had to get to a place I never ever imagined I'd be in order to understand that complete surrender was the ONLY way out.

That's why I often say I'm grateful for having hit that bottom below the bottom. without it I never would have been able to break free, ask for and get help, and find the peace I have now.

lessgravity

I'm not sure if you are sober, hoping that you are. But I can relate to appreciating the pain and suffering that I put myself through before finally getting sober. There are gifts of empathy, wisdom and peace that I have to credit for the brutalized and ugly, selfish way I lived my life as a drunk. Gratefulness and appreciation are daily experiences now that I am sober.

SoberCAH

My bottom, which included a mini-breakdown in the doctor's office and my immediate admission into treatment, was the best day in my life.

It sure didn't seem that way at the time.

It seemed awful.

I was driving down the road washing down Xanax with beer to keep from shaking, all to no avail.

But I felt strangely comfortable in the detox unit - kind of safe, really.

The beauty in that day is that it represents the exact moment that I quit plummeting toward oblivion and disaster (and death, for that matter), hit the earth with a resounding thud, and began to slowly crawl back up toward God.

All with the daily help of God and AA in my case.

360shoes

I am lessgravity.

Dee74

I had a similar experience Shoes - after years of trying to do things my way and keep drinking, I just let go and everything changed.
Surrender wasn't an end for me, it was a beginning

D

MLD51

I talk to people in AA all the time who relapsed over and over again because they hated the idea of complete surrender. They thought they could do it their own way. They would hang onto the idea that they could exert some sort of control over their addiction. That they didn't need to admit they were powerless. The ego tries to tell us we can do it ourselves, with no help and no letting go of control. The word "powerless" rubs people the wrong way, and I understand that. But we are not completely powerless. We are only powerless over alcohol. We DO have the power to recover. Every single one of us. For me, until I surrendered completely, there was no way I was going to begin recovering. Until I admitted and really FELT that I could never drink safely or "normally," I was doomed to stay on the roller coaster.

360shoes

This control freak is learning to not be one. I have little control over a lot of things. I can't control the weather and I seem to be ok with that. I can't control the chemical properties of alcohol. They are what they are. And for whatever reason, if I start drinking it sooner rather than later, I always end up drinking way too much too often and feeling bad about myself for it. So I just add this to the list of things I can't control. I'm am just fine accepting that now. It is what it is and I just need to put my energy in living my life without it. Which has always been happier and far better.

trachemys

I am probably quoting someone I can't remember when I say that to truly let go is a great relief. Drop everything and let the pieces lie where they fall. Sometimes that's the only way.

Anna

Oh yes, I was an ultimate control freak, too. I had to accept that the only thing I could control was myself. That realization saved me.

SoberCAH

Your mention of "surrender" reminds me that surrender is a logical reaction to defeat.

When I finally sought help, I was utterly defeated, so I finally surrendered.

Then the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders.

And, slowly but surely, the sunlight of the spirit crept it.

Suzieq17

Such a well written post. I fully agree. Thank you for sharing.