Livingonwishes

Hi All,

Yesterday I reached the magic 90 days sober and tomorrow I hit the 3 month mark. I am both proud and amazed that I have got so far but I know it is only because of places like this, supportive friends and family and attending AA.


In my last post I said I am looking to find a sponsor and start the 12 steps and I am still looking, lol. Events this week have conspired against me in that regard. I was due to meet a prospective sponsor on Tuesday but had last minute meeting thrust upon me and couldn't make it. I message to apologise that I couldn't be there but haven't heard anything from him since.


Then on Friday I finally got an appointment to have one to one counselling and had to go for a preliminary session to assess my needs and it ended up being 2 hours of me dredging up a lot of stuff I had locked away and didn't want to see the light of day again. All that left me feeling very down and vulnerable. To cap it all I got stopped by the police on my way home for having no rear lights (I had no idea I had a problem) and was promptly arrested as I am on a police watch list having just finished Probation and Community Service and my case worker hasn't seen me since May last year.


3 hours in a police cell whilst they find my case worker and get him down to see me and explain that it's his fault that I hadn't seen him and I had done nothing wrong was pretty much the icing on the cake. But I didn't crack. In the past I would have gone straight from there to anywhere that sold booze and bought enough to fell an elephant. The upshot is that I was without my car (I have just picked it up from having it repaired) and couldn't get to the two meetings over the weekend I wanted to get to.


Having got home, eventually, I was having a chat online with a friend of mine that I attend AA with once a week and I got on to the subject of higher powers. I said that mine was her and all the people that attend AA and all those that are trying to stay sober a day at a time. I have to say I am not in the slightest way religious so I have no "God" and my motivation and belief that keeps me going back to AA and keeps me sober is more my sense of obligation to them (For accepting me and helping me when I thought no one would) and admiration at the strength she and everyone who is trying to get and stay sober shows. I know it's not ideal and if I had a sponsor I could discuss things with then it wouldn't be such an issue for me but she is uncomfortable with it and we have hardly spoken since, which when added to the stresses of last week just leaves me feeling that I am doing the wrong thing and that what ever I do really doesn't matter and perhaps I should stop wasting every bodys time...

I know that my Higher Power will change as I move on and start to go through the steps and become part of the fellowship but at the moment that is what is getting me through.


Any observations would be welcome and thanks for listening...

biminiblue

If I'm correct, you're male? I went to AA meetings (I'm female) and I would not be comfortable talking one-on-one online with a male from the meetings, especially a newcomer. The most important thing for a newcomer is to completely focus on their sobriety and it's a lot easier to do that with same-gender members. It really is men with men and women with women for the most part in AA other than social events or meetings. If I had been that woman I would be friendly and polite, but I would also have been uncomfortable with the conversation.

Maybe make use of your phone list and call other men from the meetings - many women have strict boundaries about getting close to men they meet in meetings. You are as important as any other person there and you haven't done anything wrong. It's hard to get comfortable in any social group. Give it a little time if it's helping you.

With that said - well done with making it through a challenging day and not picking up a drink! You're doing really well. 90 days/Three months is huge!

Livingonwishes

Thanks Biminiblue,

To answer your question, yes I am Male but the friend I referred to was a friend before we both went into AA. We have known each other for 2 years prior to AA and up to this point have always been able to talk to each other about anything and understood each others way of thinking. She is 6 days longer being sober than I am and is the reason I found AA and why I am sober today hence my reasoning for her being part of my Higher Power.

You are right in saying about the gender divide though and my problem is that the main meetings I go to are female dominated so the pool of possible sponsors is very limited for me. I am trying other meetings and have a few numbers that I can call. I have asked 4 different people so far and they have all said they can't offer me the time or support I would need at the moment.

I have no intention of stopping going to AA, it has become too important to me and is the reason I am still sober . Thank you for your comments on my reaching the milestones I have, it really has been down to a combination of AA, friends and the people on here.

biminiblue

Interesting, I've never seen a female dominated meeting unless it was a specified Women's Meeting!

Your friend is also dealing with a lot if she's in early sobriety. Keep talking to her, but just know that things are just weird and different in early sobriety. Give her the space and I'm sure she'll be back around.

There's plenty to read on this site, so I'm glad you found it and are making use of it! Did you join one of the Class threads? I really liked my class thread. It did the slow fade, so I found other regular threads in which to post.

D122y

Living,

Congratulations on 90 days. If I made it 90, I can make it a lifetime.

You have a interesting writing style. The flow and choice of words are excellent to me. You seem like a person I could relate to even though we are uniquely different.

Regarding the higher power...I feel like you are searching.

At the AA meetings i went to the general higher power was God. We said the Lords Prayer at the end each time.

I believe in God all the way and I am in amazement of those that do not.

I respect everyone and I just wonder how atheists don't just jump in front of trains all day long.

The reason for this is because I am routinely burdened with negative thoughts and experiences. These thoughts are a plague and seem to try to destroy me..e.g. drink again etc.

I get through them with my spiritualness. Without my prayers, I would be in a world of hell all day.

I was...saved...convicted...compelled...etc...whatev er....when I was in my early 20.s.

My coworker was a bible thumping easterner that was as sweet as the day is long.

He asked me if I wanted to be...saved. I said sure, why not.

He said this....Do believe the following even just a teeny bit...

Jesus existed and died for our sins?

I said...ok. I can sort of buy that.

I didn't realize it at that time but...in that next moment I knew right from wrong. I was in.

That planted the seed that changed my life. I had the power to defeat evil. I didn't realize it at the time, but later it was clear. I had turned a corner and was no longer headed for destruction.

I use the Lords Prayer all the time. It is the most powerful prayer.

It gets me out of my own head, keeps me from screaming at my boss etc etc etc. All day long.......which could be argued as evil messing with me.

So that is my short offering for you or anyone that wants to take a chance at salvation.

Think about it...trying what my coworker suggested requires nothing and can offer eveything.

I need to add this...the whole church thing, different religions etc make religion somewhat of a joke. I get it. But, what I am talking about is a mystery. It is magical and internal.

I go to church 2 times a year. I am not like that. I simply believe in the mystery of faith.

Anyway, it is Sunday and so this is somewhat appropriate.

Who knows, this could be the most important Sunday in someone's life...or maybe not.

Up to them.

If this thought troubles you consider this...it is evil messing with you.

Thanks for the therapy.