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What did you do before you drank?

Old 02-21-2019, 07:56 AM
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What did you do before you drank?

One thing I found interesting thinking about was how did I deal with life before drinking? At the end of my drinking I believed alcohol was so necessary to have fun, to get through stress, to socialize, to cope with depression, etc. But is any of that true?

For me, I really didn't start drinking at all until age 17. Before that, I lived a happy and free life, not thinking about drinking. If I went to a party or a high school dance, I danced without booze. I laughed with my friends. I lived life to the fullest, not considering alcohol. If I was nervous about a situation, I prepared ahead of time.

If I was sad, I curled up in bed and cried. If I was stressed or angry, I screamed into a pillow.

In other words, I was dealing with the ups and downs of life just fine without craving a drink. So why can't I do that now? My brain has been conditioned to believe that alcohol is vital, and I have to re-train it.

Oddly enough, I remember being 17 and sneaking a huge cup of red wine late at night into my room. I was excited about the prospect of being drunk without my parents knowing. I remember drinking the whole cup and honestly just feeling really sick and awful afterwards. I might've thrown up, I don't remember. I remember feeling a bit confused that I didn't have the typical euphoric feeling but rather just felt sick with a headache. It's so odd to remember things like this, times when I wasn't even enjoying alcohol but kept on drinking for almost 8 years anyway.

Wine, beer, vodka- it's all diluted ethanol. Ethanol is a poison that kills you, makes you blind, or makes you unconscious. So why do we believe that it can make us happy? I ask you this- what is INSIDE that bottle that's going to make you happy, less stressed, etc?
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Old 02-21-2019, 08:12 AM
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I started "drinking" at age 20 in college. Socially always, never alone. Mostly beer and the typical college shenanigans. It wasn't problem drinking. Going to the liquor store was reserved for special occasions a few times a YEAR.

My problem drinking didn't start until I was 27ish. Drinking alone to mask my depression and anxiety.

I guess I didn't really do anything at all before drinking. I was just normal and happy. Odd to think about.
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Old 02-21-2019, 08:34 AM
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I tried to take my own life at 15 so was unable to deal early on in life. I am an addict, not an alcoholic per say. When I was younger I was addicted to toxic co-dependent relationships, food, smoking weed, impulse buying expensive items, amphetamine and mdma. All at different times and at different depths.

In it's simplist form an addict is someone that looks for an external solution to fix an internal problem and I had been doing it all my life in some way or another.

When did I not need to do this...when I was a child and didn't know anything about the world really, didn't have adult pressure, didn't have to worry about bills and putting food on the table. x
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Old 02-21-2019, 08:41 AM
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Just for clarity I don't say I am not an alcoholic as I am denying that to be true. What I mean is alcohol is just one of the addictive solutions I have deployed in my life to be able to deal. When I went to rehab I thought it was just alcohol that was my problem, but after 2 months of daily counselling and looking back and talking through my whole life it became clear that addictive behaviours and thinking were always a part of me from early on. It was a revalation to me but vital for my recovery to accept it and be able to start to heal. x
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Old 02-21-2019, 08:42 AM
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I laughed lots and had good times before my drinking career.
I just seemed to love the buzz of alcohol so I took it too far.
And it took me.
But I’m back now, laughing lots and having good times.
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Old 02-21-2019, 08:49 AM
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Originally Posted by MantaLady View Post
I tried to take my own life at 15 so was unable to deal early on in life. I am an addict, not an alcoholic per say. When I was younger I was addicted to toxic co-dependent relationships, food, smoking weed, impulse buying expensive items, amphetamine and mdma. All at different times and at different depths.

In it's simplist form an addict is someone that looks for an external solution to fix an internal problem and I had been doing it all my life in some way or another.

When did I not need to do this...when I was a child and didn't know anything about the world really, didn't have adult pressure, didn't have to worry about bills and putting food on the table. x
I hear ya mantalady 💖
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Old 02-21-2019, 08:54 AM
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I didn't seriously pick up until I was faced with horrid postpartum depression after the birth of my second child. Before that I had endured a neglectful childhood. Got married young. Had a baby young. Worked crap jobs, but alcohol was not a problem. In fact, I didn't even like it. But once I started at around age 30, I was gone. The sad part is, that I was happily married at that time, working a great job and thinking I was past my past.....
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Old 02-21-2019, 09:16 AM
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This is something I've been chatting about with my therapist lately. I didn't really do anything before I started drinking and using. I started really young, about 13/14 and I didn't really have any hobbies or anything.

I've been trying to figure out what I actually enjoy doing in my free time. I like camping and the outdoors so I try to spend as much time in nature as possible.

Natom.
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Old 02-21-2019, 09:39 AM
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It's hard to say because alcoholism is such a progressive addiction. Took years to hit my version of "rock bottom" in my mid to the late 20s. I was always a really high energy/ADHD kid, too, so when I tried alcohol at 19 I found it extremely calming and even euphoric. The first time I tried liquor (Crown Royal) I blacked out that night. Before that I was the same high-energy, creative person -- but I didn't really have a coping mechanism so I was a bit of an insomniac and lived on computers / AutoCAD and related hobbies.

After I discovered alcohol I used it to "calm my mind" after hours and hours of a lot of the same productive energy. It took years and years to become a big problem, but the degree to which I romanticized and idealized alcohol and its effects was problematic even then (and I quickly took to binge drinking socially). College I was very productive and a remarkably good student, but also a weekend drunk.

Then somewhere in my 20s it got bad. Still worked full time and was social, never lost a job, but I was drinking any time I wasn't working -- and drinking a lot. Also I always lived in major cities w/ public transit, so I never had to drive. All my friends were drinking buddies.

As a "moderating" adult in my 30s I kind of reverted to my high-energy, almost manic/optimistic/upbeat personality that drives my creative work and hobbies... but is very difficult to calm.

As a sober adult, the same. I have to find other ways to calm that ever-present energy. But it can *never* be alcohol.

Actually I'm not sure if anyone of this made sense .
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Old 02-21-2019, 10:00 AM
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I did the same things that pretty much any young boy did. Went to school, hung out with friends, clocked in way too many hours on the Nintendo Entertainment System. Then I went to college and subsequently entered the workforce. Nothing special.

The problem is what I didn't do before I drank and that was learning how to love myself.

Originally Posted by SkyBird View Post
Wine, beer, vodka- it's all diluted ethanol. Ethanol is a poison that kills you, makes you blind, or makes you unconscious. So why do we believe that it can make us happy? I ask you this- what is INSIDE that bottle that's going to make you happy, less stressed, etc?
When I first got a taste of alcohol it did make me happy and less stressed. I believe I do myself a disservice if I try to whitewash my past history. In the early days of my drinking I was the handsomest guy, the funniest guy, and the toughest guy in the room. Or so I thought. I still didn't love myself inside but at least I had something to help me cope.

If alcohol still made me believe that I would undoubtedly be drinking today. Unfortunately it is a progressive disease. The tolerance gets too high, you're always chasing that first drunk, the negatives start outweighing the positives. Before you realize, the years have flown by and now you are only drinking because the idea of withdrawal is terrifying and you'd rather deal with the devil you know.

Now that I don't drink I lead a simple life and wouldn't have it any other way.
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Old 02-21-2019, 10:03 AM
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Like many, I don't even know. As is common, I got into drinking when I was a teenager and continued, in varying degrees of extremity, up until I became a middle-aged adult. So who knows who that person was or might have been.

But this is goes to something so fundamental to my life now that I am sober. Part of what is so exciting about sobriety is finally discovering who I am or might be. There's certainly plenty of issues I have, complexes and faults. Some things haven't changed at all. But it feels like the first time, maybe ever in my life, that I'm able to try to fully be someone but I want to be.
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Old 02-22-2019, 11:55 AM
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I also didn't really start drinking until I was in my late 20s. Before that like when I first left home at 18, I smoked weed but only cos people around me were doing it , & I wasn't at all dependent on it. Drinking at home, alone, was the start of problem drinking. I think, it was when multiple problems & responsibilities in my life were piling up - like studying for a full time degree with no support whilst working part-time plus being a single parent plus my son being on the autistic spectrum (which I didn't realize at the time).. Always had hardship & problems in my life really but it's when you have lots of them all at once and more responsibilities building up.
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Old 02-22-2019, 02:36 PM
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This is a very good question. I also did not start drinking habitually until I was around 25. I also struggled with depression through my teenage years into early 20's but even though I had drank before I did not use it as a solution for my depression. I just had good days and bad and I didn't put much thought into it.
When I began drinking as a habit it was only a few drinks on the weekend or at social events I would go to with my husband or friends. As time went on it became part of my routine and something I really looked forward to. I remember thinking that anyone would be crazy not to drink to relax.

Over time my tolerance grew and I drank more often. I certainly didn't know at the time that my brain was starting to change and my natural ability to balance my brain was regressing as alcohol took over.
I guess that's why it is so hard to get back that natural balance once we quit because it takes years to become fully addicted.
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Old 02-22-2019, 03:08 PM
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Drinking and it's influence have always been a centerpiece/ main theme in my life. So I don't really know what I ever did without it as such.

Whatever the case, I do love that I'm sober now. The fact that it didn't kill me is a miracle.

-B
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Old 02-23-2019, 12:22 AM
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I started drinking socially when I went to university, so late teens to early 20s.

For me, it was a way of dealing with social anxiety really. Particularly as I'd moved from my home country and at the same time as starting university found myself in a new culture where everyone seemed so 'cool' and I seemed so backward and unsophisticated.

Before I drank, I was confident enough in myself. I was a high achiever at school and I thought I had the world at my feet.

I used alcohol to cope with the challenges I set myself, I just drove myself harder and harder, to adapt, to succeed, and to climb the next mountain. All the time, I depended on alcohol to make things 'better'.

Two things I've changed about myself since becoming sober:

1. I've reached deep into myself to fundamentally alter my inner voice so that it now tells me that I am good enough as I am. That's been a huge relief and helped with social anxiety and insecurities, and my Type-A perfectionistic tendencies.

2. I've taken back that innocent child-like feeling of wonder and 'looking forward' to things. Everything was full of promise when I was a child. There was so much to look forward to in the future - growing up, doing grown-up things like falling in love, discovering new things - I realised when I had that feeling, I didn't need to drink. So now I actively adopt that feeling that there's always an exciting bright future ahead, somewhere. It's fun. It's given me the child-like hope and optimism back.
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Old 02-23-2019, 01:01 AM
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Before I drank, I lived. Now that I'm sober, I'm living again.
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Old 02-23-2019, 05:56 AM
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Befor drinking I was an avid reader and writer. All I ever wanted was to write a book. I spent so much time writing.

Now sober, I’m back to reading. My library hold list is about a mile long. Haven’t yet resumed writing but hope to do so soon.
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Old 02-23-2019, 06:20 AM
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I smoked. LOL!

I used to be a very heavy smoker. Over a pack a day for15 years. Then I quit at around 32 years of age.

At that time I had the occasional drink but I only on social occasions and never alone. About 2 years later I discovered how good wine could be and developed a taste for it and it wasn't long before I was drinking over a bottle a night.

I always liked to think of myself as not having an addictive personality but looking back on it, it seems clear I do. I was at least able to go 2 years without any apparent vice...surely that counts for something

Smoking was an attempt to avoid emotions and drinking soon became that substitute. Before that? I was frankly very unhappy but at that point I was under 18...a teenager and that seemed par for the course. What is unfortunate is I didn't allow myself to grow up as well as I could have. I was plagued by horrific self esteem issues I was unaware of- that only as of late I feel I have begun to break through.
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Old 02-23-2019, 06:46 AM
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Sky,

In hindsight, I drank because I was uneducated about booze and addicted. I am no longer uneducated or physically addicted.

Mentally , I crave at some point usually daily. It is tough sometimes, but so is life.

I drank to get drunk around 5 years old. I figure I was addicted after the first buzz. I quit at 50.

I tried to quit because i was trying to get in amazing shape. Then the i found myself binging a few times a month. That destroyed me and caused ptsd.

From the 45 years of moderate to heavy drinking I was mentally damaged and physically weak. Both are better by 10x now.

I will never drink again. God help me.

Thanks.
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Old 02-23-2019, 05:06 PM
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Similar to others here, I have done just about everything. It started with weed, then cigarettes at the age of 16. Then I got addicted to LSD for a few years.

I never had a good time drinking until about 22 years old, it took the edge off of left overs from my other addictions. Then I spent some time being addicted to MDMA while smoking weed and drinking.

Eventually I settled on drinking and quit drugs because it worked.

Skybird you bring up a good point. Everyone has had some time in their life that they weren't a substance abuser. I personally have considered this when I quit smoking several years ago.

I would say to myself "I didn't smoke when I was born, why should I smoke now?"

I went about a year and a half without smoking and grrrr....fell back into it.

All of my life I have been addicted to something and I don't see that changing. The real question is what am I going to choose to be addicted to now?

Am I going to continue my addiction of slowly killing myself?

Or am I going to be addicted to a healthy food, exercise, love, and happiness?

Hoping for the later. It is a true possibility that one can find a place that brings them healthy happiness after years of destruction. We have to believe that to succeed.
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