lightanddark

I've spent the last 5 days since my blackout/drug taking just recovering mentally and physically (took a bad knock on the head).

The last 5 days have been nothing but panic attacks and a feeling of hopelessness. Today slightly better as I have made it out of the house to work.

I feel hopeless. I was doing so well, off the drugs, going to college, centered. Why did I self-sabotage now? Now im back in crisis. I shouldnt but i feel **** at the thought of how I cant even drink anymore because I might blackout and theres always a high chance ill buckle and do drugs. I dont get how I came from being so focused on college/exercise, staying off the drugs to going out drinking and then getting the impulse to do them? I dont get how i got here. That's what has me the most, if i was doing so well and then bam, how do i know it wont happen again.

I feel like its just going to happen again. I feel like no matter how good I get in the future that im always going to end up in a crisis again. No matter how much self-care etc i always end up here.

Behind in college. Extremely broke from my rash spending and rent is coming up. I just go from top of the world to bottom every few weeks.

Oh if i had only just gone to my addiction support group this month I dont think id be here.

saoutchik

I suppose the bottom line reason for your relapse lightanddark - or anyone else's for that matter - is addiction. I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now but there are reasons for hope. You were sober and not using so you know how to do it. It is just a question of getting youself in the right frame of mind. For instance are there certain times when you are more likely to want to drink and use? If so then there are pre-emptive steps can take to avoid them.

From your description you sound quite young so that is a credit to you for acknowledging your problem early.

Try not to dwell on the "for ever" aspect of sobriety as for ever arrives just one day at a time. Good luck.

doggonecarl

How did it happen? You took your eye off the ball. You said it yourself...you shouldn't have skipped your support group. You can't slack off on the recovery just cause you're feeling good, centered. We have to remain vigilant against the addiction.

Coldfusion

I am sure the group you are referring to is still there, and there is likely an AA or NA meeting soon near you. Take advantage of all the support that is available!

babyc8ks

I find SR extremely helpful and reassuring for keeping myself aware of the fact that I can't drink in moderation. This site is an excellent support group.

lightanddark

I feel like a bit of normal state of mind is returning. I have been just avoiding the world since, but I know tomorrow I just need to get back on track with life. I did it before I can do it again.

I am going to make it a mission not to skip them. I felt myself slipping and was going to go for weeks, that decision not to was one I have to be wary of. Addiction just pops up when its least needed it seems. But I'm just gonna go through it and make it out the other side. Stick to my sobriety let that be the priority.

D122y

Light,

What helped me in staying this clean was understanding the science of addiction.

The booze..or drugs..create a lack of dopamine. Additionally, my brain is permanently damaged. Irreversible.

I will crave the buzz, the high, the release, for the rest of my life.

I can create natural opiates through exercise and doing mind involving activities.

It took over a year to see a big change. I have had a teeny bit of booze in nearly 4 years, but never a drunken relapse.

I basically had a 4 year taper...if you can call less than 3 oz. of booze a taper.

I have not used any system other than SR. I went to a few AA meetings and they were not for me...yet.

Understanding the science is my current plan.

Today I ran about 2 miles on the treadmill and exercised for another hour. The endorphins I created lasted for several hours.

About 2 hours ago the endorphins sort of wore off and I got a bit depressed over some crazy nonsense.

I am nearly ready for bed. My sober muscles are strong.

I will not relapse tonight.

Thanks.

Ghostlight1

Cunning, baffling and powerful. Without help I feel we are near defenseless against it.
I know I needed help to quit. I'm glad you have your support group.
Hang in there. You're right, you can do it again. We're all here for you, too.
Best to you. You're not alone.

brighterday1234

Dee74

Hi lightanddark

I couldn't imagine my life without chaos - deadlines, bills, responsibilities, finances - I was always behind....and that led to depression, anger, anxiety, fatalism...

All those things are no longer constant worries for me.

The first step to change was stopping drinking - and staying stopped.

It will be rough for a while - but you will catch up - and if your effort matches your desire, you will find that recovery is your new default

Have faith - you're on the right road.

D

lightanddark

You are so right about the science of it, I was told that by a therapist, that when we self-medicate for so long its just natural that our brains go out and search for that high. After the first slip this month I got really into exercise again and my god did it help, altough it wont provide some magical stop to relapsing I have found! This weekend I am going to get back into the swing if that again, but throw some meditation in there too. Congratulations on 4 years without a relapse, hope to be there in 4 years.

I certainly know with the amount of drugs I have done over the past few years that I have also done damage, this week showed that as today is the first day I fell alright enough to look myself in the mirror.
What really scared me this time was hitting my head, this slip, relapse, whatever I want to call it, really scared me. I could have bloody killed myself, or be brain damaged, i'm lucky it was a mild concussion.

It is true, supports are what keep me grounded, even the thought of having that back in my life on weekly basis gives me a sense of hope that no I am going to get back control. Thanks for the support.

I have been to two AA meetings, now it was about a year ago after another blackout. I didn't really feel they were for me, I was the youngest by a far margin, and I am more of a secular guy at heart. I however have been looking into a lot of addiction literature etc, and they say that one needs a spiritual 'awakening', or change of perspective, to truly make a change. This part confuses me a bit to be honest.

Thanks again Dee. When I look back at my adult life so far, and granted I do have much more to experience!

But there are clear patterns, and as you say yourself I am also always behind with finances, relationships, responsibilities. I had been checking the boxes in those regards for a little bit, only to relapse into old behavior.

Using alcohol and drugs to numb feelings and thoughts of stress, trauma, bad memories, all those things bubbling to the surface that my brain couldn't, or didn't want to look at. I know that with sobriety I can actually look at them, feel them.

Today is the first day I'm feeling myself again. But it is also a hard day in terms of thinking about missing out on stuff. I have a trouble saying no to things, mostly my impulses, but also invites to things. I for some reason never want to miss out on something (could be my addiction just wanting to get drunk/high to be frank), even if at heart I know its not a good idea, either financially or that there will be triggers.

I am finding the first niggling thoughts of "oh you're missing out" today. Tonight there is a party my friends are going to, but I have said no, I am not going. I'm breaking it down logically if I go I will end up doing drugs, I will feel horrible after. I cannot afford it, it will put me further into the financial hole I have dug.

I am breaking it down to a month without a drink. Thinking in forever terms seems to be breaking me a little. I am going to do a month without it. A month without entertaining the thoughts of it.

Thanks again for being here guys.

D122y

Light,

I love the way you responded to us folks. So well done and genuine.

As an addict for life I find myself drawn towards obsessing over addiction discussion. Actives, I consider even moderate drinkers active, don't get it. Their addiction is strong.

We that are aware of our problem love to learn, study, chat, and emerse ourselves in working to stay clean and happy.

It is living in the present and if what i do keeps me clean for one more day, or moment I will take it.

Went to a NASCAR race today. Omg....talk about and excuse to drink at 8 am. I have never seen so many drunks in one place. I was a bit triggered. But, if I had a chance to pay just a bit of attention to the conversations many were engaged in, it was sad and ridiculous.

Drunken slurring. Glassy eyes hidden behind sunglasses and low baseball caps.

The drinking scene is not my circus. I have zero desire to put myself through that ever again.

Thanks God for SR and you all.

Thanks.

lightanddark

Thanks D122y, I appreciate that a lot

I passed many drunken people last night in the city, and I just viewed it so differently this time, the loudness and shouting in the street. Not my scene anymore either D.

This community really is great, and find myself turning into a bit of an SR addict too. But it helps, a lot. As you say yourself it is a means of living in the present. Checking in, keeping accountable, taking it a day at a time.

There is such a wealth of experience and hearing what other addicts have and are going through gives a lot of food for thought.

Since I made this post I had another slip. But I am now a week sober, and even went to a bar without drinking last night. Which was haaaard as hell. I was so determined to post the class thread that I made it, I did it. And I did, so happy days and onto many more!

Dee74

I'm glad the bar thing went ok but I still think its wisest to stay away from bars for a while. Staying sober is hard - why make it harder?

D

lightanddark

Yeah Dee it will not be something I will be repeating soon. Not with the urges I am still getting at this stage in recovery. Also, if I am to be honest it was not enjoyable, and I don't think any of my friends found a stressed out me that enjoyable to be around!

I need to learn to say no to people, and put myself first when it comes to something as important to me as staying sober. When I am more confident in my sobriety I will feel more comfortable around alcohol, but for now it's risky, and not enjoyable.

JamesSquire

Light&Dark, hope you're in a good position now. I'm struggling too but the two great quotes above should keep us going.