Two Years On and I'm Blacking Out Again. The day I quit.
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Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: The Emerald Isle
Posts: 38
Two Years On and I'm Blacking Out Again. The day I quit.
My relationship with alcohol has always been one of love and hate.
I remember my first night out well. I was maybe 17, and it was an 18th in a bar and everyone was getting served despite being underage. I remember the nervousness me and my friend felt before heading out, the excitement. What I also remember was lying in a pile of cut grass in the field next to the bar to be found by my friends when they were leaving. I don't remember getting there and I don't remember passing out and whacking my head against the ground when I got home. I tend to do that when I black out, face first, how I still have all my teeth is a real miracle.
I didn't know it then, but that was the first blackout in a series that has lasted almost 5 years. They really started becoming an issue about two years ago. I was in a relationship, and my self-destructive behavior couldn't be resigned to some dark corner of my psyche. No, with her it affected another person, I could see what it was doing to me, to my relationship etc, but I really didn't want to see. I wanted to drink and have fun more than that, or maybe it was more of a deep-down self hatred that I used alcohol to cover up. Whatever the reason, no matter how bad the blackout or what I had done, I went back to drinking again eventually.
It would always start the same. Ah I can have two beers surely, then it would increase the next time. "Well if I had two beers and I was fine that night, four won't hurt right?". The problem is that after four beers I have already forgotten the horrible experiences I had already had from binge-drinking. The injuries, the money spent, people hurt, the shame, all of these emotions were in that dark corner locked away now with the alcohol in my system. They would not be remembered till the next morning.
Drugs and alcohol for me are intertwined, I don't do drugs sober, but my drug problem would always involve me being too drunk to make good decisions. Like the blackouts, I knew what drugs do to my mental health, but I would consing all of that away and do them anyways.
Last night was my second blackout this month. I saw my counselor after the one two weeks ago, and with her knowing my life experience with substances, she told me the only way to stop this cycle and get at my actual issues was to give up alcohol. I said I would go to an addictive behaviors group and try and "moderate", I can do that right? I probably knew it at the time but didn't want to recognize it, but how many times had I said it to myself that I would quit, then that I would moderate, only to end up in a pit of despair and regret following another night.
Me saying I would moderate was actually the first stage of the cycle, even as I talked about how done I was with it and how bad I felt because of it, I couldn't give it up. I swore to myself I would not blackout again, that I would control my drinking. I said this two years ago too, but yet here I am now again.
I woke up last night outside my front door. I had fallen, my face is a bit cut which is horrible as I might have a very important job interview in the next week. Also for someone with social anxiety, having cuts on your face is not the kind of attention you want to be getting!
I took drugs when I was conscious of my decisions, and this is the second blackout and the second drug taking night of the month caused by alcohol. I lie to my girlfriend, I lie to my family, my friends, I lie to myself about my problem.
My father is an alcoholic. These alcohol related decisions and events have caused me such trouble in my life. I can't control my drinking when I do drink on most occasions. I have injuries. I have woken up with an empty bank account. But worst of all it is when I am doing well, when I'm feeling good, that I self-destruct with alcohol.
I for some reason, do not feel as bad as I usually do following an incident like this. I mean don't get me wrong I feel horrible, and maybe I will feel even worse tomorrow. But I am sure of my intention now. I am sure of it. I am giving up alcohol.
My last post was 2 years ago on this site claiming the same, then it was after a considerably worse turn of events and I'm lucky the worst thing that happened last night is I fell. But my god, I am done with this suffering.
I know what I need to do. It's that first stage of the cycle, the buying of the ticket for a journey that has an inevitable end. It could be 5 months with no issues, but another blackout always happens, another night of drug taking always happens. I know this is not going to be easy, we all know the place alcohol has in social life for many and in society as a whole. But the payoff will be worth it.
What would I trade to have woken up today injury free and carefree? I'll make the obvious one. I'll trade the thing that put me here in the first place.
I remember my first night out well. I was maybe 17, and it was an 18th in a bar and everyone was getting served despite being underage. I remember the nervousness me and my friend felt before heading out, the excitement. What I also remember was lying in a pile of cut grass in the field next to the bar to be found by my friends when they were leaving. I don't remember getting there and I don't remember passing out and whacking my head against the ground when I got home. I tend to do that when I black out, face first, how I still have all my teeth is a real miracle.
I didn't know it then, but that was the first blackout in a series that has lasted almost 5 years. They really started becoming an issue about two years ago. I was in a relationship, and my self-destructive behavior couldn't be resigned to some dark corner of my psyche. No, with her it affected another person, I could see what it was doing to me, to my relationship etc, but I really didn't want to see. I wanted to drink and have fun more than that, or maybe it was more of a deep-down self hatred that I used alcohol to cover up. Whatever the reason, no matter how bad the blackout or what I had done, I went back to drinking again eventually.
It would always start the same. Ah I can have two beers surely, then it would increase the next time. "Well if I had two beers and I was fine that night, four won't hurt right?". The problem is that after four beers I have already forgotten the horrible experiences I had already had from binge-drinking. The injuries, the money spent, people hurt, the shame, all of these emotions were in that dark corner locked away now with the alcohol in my system. They would not be remembered till the next morning.
Drugs and alcohol for me are intertwined, I don't do drugs sober, but my drug problem would always involve me being too drunk to make good decisions. Like the blackouts, I knew what drugs do to my mental health, but I would consing all of that away and do them anyways.
Last night was my second blackout this month. I saw my counselor after the one two weeks ago, and with her knowing my life experience with substances, she told me the only way to stop this cycle and get at my actual issues was to give up alcohol. I said I would go to an addictive behaviors group and try and "moderate", I can do that right? I probably knew it at the time but didn't want to recognize it, but how many times had I said it to myself that I would quit, then that I would moderate, only to end up in a pit of despair and regret following another night.
Me saying I would moderate was actually the first stage of the cycle, even as I talked about how done I was with it and how bad I felt because of it, I couldn't give it up. I swore to myself I would not blackout again, that I would control my drinking. I said this two years ago too, but yet here I am now again.
I woke up last night outside my front door. I had fallen, my face is a bit cut which is horrible as I might have a very important job interview in the next week. Also for someone with social anxiety, having cuts on your face is not the kind of attention you want to be getting!
I took drugs when I was conscious of my decisions, and this is the second blackout and the second drug taking night of the month caused by alcohol. I lie to my girlfriend, I lie to my family, my friends, I lie to myself about my problem.
My father is an alcoholic. These alcohol related decisions and events have caused me such trouble in my life. I can't control my drinking when I do drink on most occasions. I have injuries. I have woken up with an empty bank account. But worst of all it is when I am doing well, when I'm feeling good, that I self-destruct with alcohol.
I for some reason, do not feel as bad as I usually do following an incident like this. I mean don't get me wrong I feel horrible, and maybe I will feel even worse tomorrow. But I am sure of my intention now. I am sure of it. I am giving up alcohol.
My last post was 2 years ago on this site claiming the same, then it was after a considerably worse turn of events and I'm lucky the worst thing that happened last night is I fell. But my god, I am done with this suffering.
I know what I need to do. It's that first stage of the cycle, the buying of the ticket for a journey that has an inevitable end. It could be 5 months with no issues, but another blackout always happens, another night of drug taking always happens. I know this is not going to be easy, we all know the place alcohol has in social life for many and in society as a whole. But the payoff will be worth it.
What would I trade to have woken up today injury free and carefree? I'll make the obvious one. I'll trade the thing that put me here in the first place.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
Welcome back. I too posted almost 2 years ago and just came back a little over 40 days ago. My dad was an alcoholic too—I understand, as do so many others here. You are taking the first step, keep going. Stay close to here and keep posting!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,352
I'm glad you're back lightanddark 
For me, posting here every day gave me the reinforcement I needed not to start the cycle again.
I finally got it through my thick skull that I have a toxic relationship with alcohol - one that will only get worse not better if I continue drinking - and my life is improved immeasurably without it
D
For me, posting here every day gave me the reinforcement I needed not to start the cycle again.
I finally got it through my thick skull that I have a toxic relationship with alcohol - one that will only get worse not better if I continue drinking - and my life is improved immeasurably without it
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Thanks for the post, LightandDark.
When I was your age (guessing you are early 20s from your post) I did a great deal of blackout drinking. More times than I can count, actually.
Eventually I was able to find a balance that didn’t involve blackout drinking — but it took years and years of fighting the battle with “moderation” — one I often lost. So what you write here really resonates with me, it’s very familiar.
Glad you are here and being brutally honest with yourself. I actually had a similar moment early this month when I realized something insane — I don’t even enjoy moderating alcohol. And the decision to just go sober instead of constantly wrestling with this demon is freeing.
Hope you join the February class here and keep posting. Congrats on your decision/realization and thank you again for your post.
When I was your age (guessing you are early 20s from your post) I did a great deal of blackout drinking. More times than I can count, actually.
Eventually I was able to find a balance that didn’t involve blackout drinking — but it took years and years of fighting the battle with “moderation” — one I often lost. So what you write here really resonates with me, it’s very familiar.
Glad you are here and being brutally honest with yourself. I actually had a similar moment early this month when I realized something insane — I don’t even enjoy moderating alcohol. And the decision to just go sober instead of constantly wrestling with this demon is freeing.
Hope you join the February class here and keep posting. Congrats on your decision/realization and thank you again for your post.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 462
Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast 
Welcome back. it's good you have recognised your problem when you are still so young. please don't waste you life not doing anything about it. One thing is for sure it gets worse and worse as we get older.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
I have had my share of black-outs. Even worse for me were 'brown-outs' where you remember bits and pieces that are vague and you're not sure if they happened. At least with black-outs I have no memory so I don't replay things in my head over and over.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 50
Your story sounds so familiar. Blackouts, brownouts, I had so many during my twenty-year drinking career I can't even count. My ex-wife even had a name for me on the mornings after: "Mr. Regretful."
I've been sober two-and-a-half years now. On occasion I do still miss drinking, although I know it's nothing I can do again. But I will never, ever, ever miss Mr. Regretful.
Pack it in, son. It gets worse; it doesn't get better.
Good luck on your job interview!
I've been sober two-and-a-half years now. On occasion I do still miss drinking, although I know it's nothing I can do again. But I will never, ever, ever miss Mr. Regretful.
Pack it in, son. It gets worse; it doesn't get better.
Good luck on your job interview!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: The Emerald Isle
Posts: 38
Hey guys thanks for all the support. You are right when you say Its good I'm doing this now, as no matter how good things go for me I can go from the high of highs to here once again multiple times, only way to make sure I'm not MR. Regretful as you say Anustart is to not drink.
Glad to see you again Dee74, I know how helpful this forum was before and staying on here along with my weekly meeting will be the main thing stopping me from letting the drink back in again and forgetting where I am now.
Evoo I relate to that alot, I rally don't enjoy moderating either. I'm just not the type of guy who can have 2 beers after work. It always leads to a craving for more, and I suppose that's something I should have identified sooner as a problem.
Have to say waking up today I don't feel the best. Yesterday I was in a weird afterglow, where I just didn't have to really think or feel. I just stayed up all night, turned off my phone and shut out the world. Today I know I need to go out into it, and I have a pit of anxiety in my chest from the ecstasy. This is why I hate my drunken self the most. I know how ecstasy makes me feel for weeks after I take it. I have a kind of sense of dread about the week coming now.
So I'm just going to have to go out into the world today, get a band-aid for this big scrape on my forehead, and I suppose come clean to the girlfriend what happened again. And that I really really am serious about quitting this time. Last time, I know I didn't have it in my heart, even though the other blackout scared the **** out of me too.
Glad to see you again Dee74, I know how helpful this forum was before and staying on here along with my weekly meeting will be the main thing stopping me from letting the drink back in again and forgetting where I am now.
Evoo I relate to that alot, I rally don't enjoy moderating either. I'm just not the type of guy who can have 2 beers after work. It always leads to a craving for more, and I suppose that's something I should have identified sooner as a problem.
Have to say waking up today I don't feel the best. Yesterday I was in a weird afterglow, where I just didn't have to really think or feel. I just stayed up all night, turned off my phone and shut out the world. Today I know I need to go out into it, and I have a pit of anxiety in my chest from the ecstasy. This is why I hate my drunken self the most. I know how ecstasy makes me feel for weeks after I take it. I have a kind of sense of dread about the week coming now.
So I'm just going to have to go out into the world today, get a band-aid for this big scrape on my forehead, and I suppose come clean to the girlfriend what happened again. And that I really really am serious about quitting this time. Last time, I know I didn't have it in my heart, even though the other blackout scared the **** out of me too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,404
The great news is you never need to experience another blackout ever again in your life. All you have to do is not take the first drink. One is too many and 1000000 never enough.
My alcoholism has given me a life I never would have experienced unless I was an alcoholic. Thus I’m grateful to be an alcoholic.
The life in recovery is a wonderful life and I experience the peace of mind and serenity I sought but never managed to achieve from alcohol and drugs.
your story is similar to mine; commit to recovery and there is a great way of living available with only hope and optimism instead of the despair of living as an active alcoholic.
🙏
My alcoholism has given me a life I never would have experienced unless I was an alcoholic. Thus I’m grateful to be an alcoholic.
The life in recovery is a wonderful life and I experience the peace of mind and serenity I sought but never managed to achieve from alcohol and drugs.
your story is similar to mine; commit to recovery and there is a great way of living available with only hope and optimism instead of the despair of living as an active alcoholic.
🙏
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by brighterday1234
The great news is you never need to experience another blackout ever again in your life. All you have to do is not take the first drink. One is too many and 1000000 never enough.
My alcoholism has given me a life I never would have experienced unless I was an alcoholic. Thus I’m grateful to be an alcoholic.
The life in recovery is a wonderful life and I experience the peace of mind and serenity I sought but never managed to achieve from alcohol and drugs.
your story is similar to mine; commit to recovery and there is a great way of living available with only hope and optimism instead of the despair of living as an active alcoholic.
��
My alcoholism has given me a life I never would have experienced unless I was an alcoholic. Thus I’m grateful to be an alcoholic.
The life in recovery is a wonderful life and I experience the peace of mind and serenity I sought but never managed to achieve from alcohol and drugs.
your story is similar to mine; commit to recovery and there is a great way of living available with only hope and optimism instead of the despair of living as an active alcoholic.
��
Part of me has never believed they are real things. Even when I was sober for 7 months last year, there was always a nervous energy behind everything I do (I am also a workaholic to the extreme — though I’ve gotten better). Excercize helps, too
.I love this post though, it gives me something to strive for.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: The Emerald Isle
Posts: 38
Originally Posted by brighterday1234
The great news is you never need to experience another blackout ever again in your life. All you have to do is not take the first drink. One is too many and 1000000 never enough.
My alcoholism has given me a life I never would have experienced unless I was an alcoholic. Thus I’m grateful to be an alcoholic.
The life in recovery is a wonderful life and I experience the peace of mind and serenity I sought but never managed to achieve from alcohol and drugs.
your story is similar to mine; commit to recovery and there is a great way of living available with only hope and optimism instead of the despair of living as an active alcoholic.
🙏
My alcoholism has given me a life I never would have experienced unless I was an alcoholic. Thus I’m grateful to be an alcoholic.
The life in recovery is a wonderful life and I experience the peace of mind and serenity I sought but never managed to achieve from alcohol and drugs.
your story is similar to mine; commit to recovery and there is a great way of living available with only hope and optimism instead of the despair of living as an active alcoholic.
🙏
I have spent the last few days really depressed and suffering badly with anxiety. I know the drugs have me down but also the fact that I am here again when I was doing well has me down too.
The fact that I really hurt myself again from a blackout is scary and upsetting and it does make me feel a bit hopeless as I have tried to quit after each blackout I've had pretty much. I am taking the day off work today as I really don't feel up to it. I just feel completely swamped by responsibilities, college, work, people, and my head still hurts.
But going on here certainly helps. I know I just need to relax today as going into work an anxious mess wouldn't help anyone.
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