Recycledlettuce

Hi everyone,

I've been lurking on this site a while, realizing I need help but ashamed to ask for it. I just went to my MD yesterday with slightly elevated lfts, but a BMI landing on obesity level and gout - I'm a 40 y/o female and I feel like I'm destroying myself slowly.

I came from a childhood of alcoholism and domestic abuse - and married someone who was a family person, loving, no substances. We got married after 10 years of dating. We've now been together 18 years. We moved across country about 5 years ago, though, and slowly I saw this person change and I went with him... we both started drinking a lot more, isolated. I got laid off about 1 year after moving to CA from FL with my wfh job, and I guess that took me for a ride emotionally, and since then I have not been quite the same. I've always been your adult child model - perfectionist, type A, got accepted in 8 colleges and a professional school, have a doctorate. Getting laid off was a rejection of a high magnitude to me - I've always had problems with rejection, starting with the loss of my first real love at 20.

Then, in Nov of 2018, my spouse had a bipolar episode, his first ever. He had delusions of grandeur, thinking he was God, and almost killed me thinking he was "taking us to a better plane of existence." He spent from then until a few weeks ago in IOP... he seems a bit better and went back to work this week. However, he stills drinks, and tonight, he started blaming me for not having friends after a particularly self pitying bender.

Very long story short - I am wondering if there are success stories of people who both have issues getting sober together. It seems like there are days I'm doing well that he influences me, and vice versa. I don't really want to leave him - besides that episode with bipolar, he's never hurt me - but I don't know if me being here is good for him. It feels like he's even more vulnerable than I am. He has stopped therapy now that he was released from IOP, which does concern me as well.

I feel so alone and like I'll never kick this habit. I'm so disappointed in myself - I didn't drink anything until later in life, and I always promised myself I'd never be like my father, who ended up in jail for many years due to his drinking as well as other issues.

Thank you all for listening.

Dee74

Hi and welcome recycledlettuce

I think the best way to tackle it is to treat your journey as yours and his as is. That way your success is not dependent on him and vice versa?

It sounds like you've been through a pretty rough time, but it sounds liek you feel safe?

you will find support here - you're not alone

D

Recycledlettuce

Thank you Dee. The internet is scary sometimes - asking for help is terrifying too. I appreciate your welcoming demeanor.

You're right, maybe right now I need to focus on me. I just feel so used to taking care of everyone... and I'm so worried about him, you know? I want us both to be ok.

At the moment, I am physically safe. He scares me when he drinks tho - a couple weeks ago, I found him yelling at a bunch of 8 year olds behind our house....turns out the dad was having a party, and the girls were bicycling on the easement, which set him off.

MantaLady

I've quoted this phrase a lot lately but it is one that really resonates with me and maybe for you? "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm". It is so simple but so true. Focus on your own recovery and yourself, the best way to help someone else is to help ourselves first, just like putting your oxygen mask on first like they teach you on a plane. Be strong and show yourself kindness first, that is the most powerful gift you can give as it in turn means you have the strength to withstand lifes curveballs.

Take care and post here as much as you want or need to, there is a lot of wisdom on these boards and you are not alone. xx

MissPerfumado

I know what you mean about the Internet being scary but this is the least scary place I know on the Internet!

Welcome. I agree with what Dee says - if you choose to get sober, this will be your journey. It's a tough one and so it's worth just focussing on yourself.

But it's well worth it getting and staying sober. Life is heaps better on the other side.

I also have an alcoholic father - lucky for him he got sober a few years ago, but I saw the damage it did to him along the way yet I still drank. Alcoholism is not a rational disease.

DarklingSong

Welcome to SR. Nothing scary here....
You will find great support and advice, and indeed friends.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I think the main thing is to focus on yourself and your recovery. Recovery is really a very personal journey.

Hopefully your husband will work on his recovery and mental health issues, too.

Hevyn

It's great to meet you, Recycledlettuce. I'm sorry for the painful time you've been through. I hope being here will help you get free of alcohol so you can tackle things with a clear head.

least

Welcome to the family RL. It might be best if you just focused on your own recovery. Show support and encouragement to hubby, but let him run his own recovery as he likes. I wish the best for you and your hubby.

PhoenixJ

No- my ex did not booze, I did enough for all/

What I can offer, is the need for the individual (like me) to just look to their own recovery first, and to have a plan that involved daily support- and long term stuff. So for me, it is SR every day, meetings, checkups with GP for depression, psychologist to work out my scrambled and dysfunctional past.

My prayers and support to you.

Great name btw.

D122y

Rec,

A single episode of bipolar after 18 years?

Maybe he was on more than just booze?

Mixing meds and booze might have that..crazy...effect.

The problem is that the addict has to want to quit. Getting clean hurts for a long long time. It hurts more in the beginning, but mentally the hurt lingers for years.

I am this clean and I still have emotions that I used to routinely drink over. I do all sorts of stuff, I call it living, to get through the emotions.

I was at a show last night and it seemed like 90% of the folks had drinks. The host was buying everyone shots throughout the show.

I was a bit jealous for a few minutes, but I always remember that all of those folks, everyone of them and some hellishly more than others, are going to feel the after effects for a long while.

This is a huge reason why I don't drink. I can't stand all mental damage. My senses are just recently getting nice and stable. It is amazing.

At the show, all of those folks, in my mind, were addicted to booze at some level. Most have no idea. Many will think they are losing their minds. Well they are, but it is drug induced. Folks rationalize it away, with thoughts of pre existing conditions, which may be the case. But, it may not be.

That is the nature of drug..booze...addiction. what came first...the drugs or the crazy. Are the drugs and booze making one more crazy? The only way to find out is to quit drinking. But, that is very painful.

Bottom line...I am sober this morning and I feel as good as I can.

Thank God.

Hope this helps you in some way.

Thanks for the therapy.

Recycledlettuce

Hi everyone,
Thank you all for the kind words of encouragement and support.

I decided to move out of my house for at least 30 days to work on my own recovery alone. I felt it was too difficult to be together with my husband at the moment since we both are still actively using on and off.

I'm happy to report that I made it through today without any alcohol. I did have a brief moment of craving when I stopped at the gas station since I often buy a bottle when getting gas.

Tomorrow I'm checking out my first AA meeting and also got a referral to a therapist from my GP today and she started me on an antidepressant.

D122 - to answer your question, that was the first episode of mania in 18 years. I'm not aware of him being on anything else, but I hadn't been with him that day either. The psychiatrists at the IOP program thinks he has had mostly the depressive episodes through life, that were misdiagnosed as depression. I hope the mania never returns, that was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life, and his I'm sure.

I hope you all have a wonderful evening!