NAP

*sigh* i wish i could get used to this, but it is still hard. i'm having dinner with 2 very old friends next week, one whose a heavy drinker (from out of town) and one whose moderate. after dinner they've arranged for both to stay at the hotel of the one whose visiting because they'll be drinking and i wasn't even asked on this part of the excursion. i feel left out. i wish i could get used to this because it does happen but it still hurts. i feel like they'll get to bond and i feel excluded.

there is such a huge part of my (past) life based on drinking that it's just hard to deal sometimes.

i really think i need to find more sober girlfriends!

PeacefulWater12

This!

It sounds like you really don't want to go and won't enjoy yourself. Perhaps you could think about why you are going.

You don't have to attend events or be with people that are no longer right for you.

I went through this process.

Also from your pals perspective maybe they would prefer to be with other drinkers.

MantaLady

Are you absolutely sure it’s to do with you not drinking? Maybe it’s just for convenience as they won’t be able to drive home (but you will) and they are not thinking as deeply about it as you are. Don’t fortune tell or assume others motives as often we turn it into or project what we think of ourselves not what they are really thinking of us.

Why don’t you mention it to them so they know how you feel, maybe they don’t know you feel this way? They are not mind readers either. Maybe the moderate friend is wanting to stay at the hotel to make sure the heavy drinking one is safe for the night, maybe she is looking for someone who drinks way more than her to justify her getting wasted for the night,, there are so many reasons it could be and so many reasons it could not be.

If they are indeed good friends you should be able to be honest and have this conversation with them beforehand. xx

SnazzyDresser

You can never have too many sober girlfriends!

D122y

Nap,

If your drunk friends are anything like my drunk friends they could careless that you don't drink. If they are angry drunks, I would not consider them friends and stay away.

All they care about is drinking. Until they have a mental or physical issue, the booze has a strong hold.

Drunkin bonding is temporary and eventually they will live to regret they didn't have the will power it takes to get and stay clean. Being a 60 year old active addict has to be the most terrible feeling in the world.

My Dad is 74 and he is an active addict. His world is filled with personally created anxiety. It seems a pathetic exisstance.

If you really like your girls definitely go see, if you haven't already, how drinking changes a person.

The heavy drinker is likely going to be already drunk before you arrive, but you may get to see her decay into a pathetic mess, or worse.

This always motivated me to stay sober.

The moderate drinker, 2 or 3 glasses of wine, will probably get sleepy early. That is what booze always did to me.

I remember falling asleep at my desk with booze in my mouth. It would spill out as I dozed off. Pathetic.

If you have the opportunity to catch them the next day, go see the after effects. You might even see some day drinking. Standard vacation move. Nightmare stuff.

Glad for you on walking the sober line. Going through life as a drunk is not what God intended for us.

Thanks.

August252015

That.

Natom

When I got into recovery I literally gave up all my 'friends' because all of them were drunks or junkies. The chance of any of us having a 'normal' meal or day out was incredibly slim. I felt very lonely for about six months and then I realised I had to find some sober friends so I started hanging out socially with people from the meetings I went to.

I remember walking into a restaurant for dinner one night. There were about 10 of us and it was a nice restaurant with wine glasses already on the table. We all sat down at the table and one by one we turned our individual wine glasses upside down. It was that moment I knew I'd found my new friends.

Good luck finding some sober friends.

Natom

NAP

Thanks everyone! This is hands down one of the hardest things I've found about sobriety.

They are old, childhood friends more than anything. She is staying over so that she won't have to drive, so why does it still hurt? There are a few reasons, the first being that the friend from out of town bailed on our holiday after I got sober and blamed it on other things. She is a longtime friend so I'm really struggling with this one and I've lost so many other friends that I don't know if I can take more now. But we are on thiner ice with each year that passes.

Thanks for listening; I feel so freaking alone in sobriety right now.

Anna

It's hard, but big changes are often necessary in early recovery. And, changing friends is often part of this. Making some new sober girlfriends sounds like a great idea.

Dee74

My first thought is, if these people are cutting you out because you stopped drinking, you need better friends.

But I read further that they're life long buddies, so its probably more likely that they didn't think you'd be interested in the post dinner drunkfest.

I wonder tho how much is FOMO (fear of missing out) NAP?

does the image of what your two friends could/might be doing really match up to the reality?

will it be a scintillating evening of erudite discussion, deep and meaningful, long into the night....a magical night of laughter joy and life defining moments - or will it be drunken BS and passing out?

It kinda reminds me of when you thought you were being discriminated against in the airbnb....

If you really really feel left out...invite yourself along. Lifelong buddies will not mind that - I guarantee you'll be bored witless within 30 mins though.

D

Mango212

Thank you for sharing this, Natom! Life is good.

Mango212

Good luck, NAP!

As I change, let go of what's been toxic in my life and become authentically "me", the rest keeps filling in very nicely.

Mango212

NAP,

Keep in mind, we in recovery are warriors who have/are experiencing life in new ways!

Making a choice to embrace new thoughts, behaviors, viewpoints and ways of telling our story (or "framing" our lives) is our everyday, one day at a time, opportunity.

NAP

Thanks all!! Yes Dee I think I easily slip into victim mentality. The whole scenario just triggered my being left out/excluded which is a big one for me and I slip into worse case scenario very easily. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be :-)

But I'm heading to some meetings so I can meet more sober friends!

August252015

NAP- I came back to your thread and am glad you have kept sharing. And, it made me think of a share a lady did at a mtg I went to yesterday.

She has a very close relationship with her aunt (obv a lifelong person in her life ). At one point in the past, her aunt thought she did indeed have a drinking problem and began AA along with her niece. Fast fwd to now, maybe 2-3 yrs later I think, and the lady sharing said she visited her aunt a few months ago and she was drinking wine one or two of the nights. She remarked, essentially, that AA had helped and she was all good now. Something to that affect, ie I wasn't really an alcoholic and I learned enough to drink (some) now.

The lady is spending this wkd with her aunt. She said she has been stressing and also praying to her HP about what to do? Her aunt said something about how she doesn't drink much, but you know, maybe some at some point "by the end of the weekend or so." Ah, the caveats!


This lady said she has finally decided to go with what happens. She knows SHE won't drink, and that she cannot control what her aunt does. She hopes that there might be something helpful her aunt takes from her sobriety....but she can't control that, nor should she do anything but stay sober herself.

We all have people in our lives that are special. Especially long term ones. I'm fortunate that I haven't had but maybe two friends who were happy I was sober, but I had taken too much from them for them to do anything but send love from a distance. The people I DO have in my life support me fully, or they aren't there anymore (by my choice).

Glad you are here, thinking thru this, and I know you can make good decisions if you want. Take care now and in upcoming days especially.

A

Numblady

It sounds like the evening has already happened so this is probably too late but the other thing I thought reading your post is that if a friend really did turn down holiday plans because someone wasn’t drinking, etc. that I would feel kind of sad for her, you know? Like I at least could have been that person crafting my life around the chance to hit the booze and not wanting to be reminded that maybe it wasn’t such a great idea. So if there’s also a part of you who can feel sympathy for your friend if that is indeed what she is doing that may also help take any sting away. Glad to hear you are out there making some sober friends! I think only in sobriety I’ve realized I’m married to a drunk but most of my friends are normies and I was just hoping all along they didn’t notice how much I was drinking. But it also would be nice to have more people who have been on this path. I’ve found one here in my town through SR which is so totally cool. But y’all are inspiring me to find even more!