Chaz22

I was on here religiously the past few weeks...this past week I got distracted with work and moving and hadn't been this forum once this week. Anxiety has been intense. Was at the movies went to the bathroom and walked right up to the bar and had a quick whiskey.

I didn't think about the repercussions...I felt guilty...weak...then went home with it on my breathe and lied to my fiancee whom knew I was lying. I KNOW BETTER. WHAT HAPPENED? HOW DID ALCOHOL CREEP IN ON A WALK TO THE BATHROOM.

I'm came clean today and she's devastated...my lying was starting to make feel crazy. She doesn't trust me, questions if this is how our future will be with this vicious cycle. I've felt great ...almost too comfortable where i didn't get on here, didn't practice gratitude, didn't journal, etc.

I DON'T WANT TO SLIP EVER AGAIN. Advice? Wisdom? I would have walked right past the bar, had I been on here and reading stories etc.

Am I that weak? Should I consider AA as well?

tekink

Make a plan and stick to it! Part of that plan ideally deals with what to do when these thoughts first strike so they don't though you off guard. It only takes one split second to relapse.

doggonecarl

If you can't do this on your own, or with SR, then perhaps AA is worth considering.

Your first post was after a relapse...a series of relapses, actually. In that post, as a rationale, you wrote:

Is that still the case. Do you doubt the power of addiction?

Anna

I think if you have a plan in place for such instances, you can follow it when you feel such a strong urge. Part of your plan might be as simple as 'stop and take 3 slow and deep breaths'. These things will come along and being prepared is the best thing you can do.

Now, you can get back on track and move on.

bexxed

One would think a trip to the movies is safe, unless it’s a movie theater with a bar.

If you’re really honest with yourself, I bet you’d see it didn’t come out of nowhere and you actually knew what your plan was when you went to the bathroom.

You gotta tighten the plan, or, really follow it.

Why did you pick a theater that had a bar, when you knew you were off course already from stress, moving, etc?

These are honest questions, not giving you a hard time. You came clean and came here after the fact for feedback.

I think you can do this, if you can answer the questions and tighten the plan and follow it.

Hevyn

Chaz - I once slipped & it led to a full blown relapse, lasting years. You've owned what happened & admitted you need a better plan. That is progress, even though you're disappointed. Sometimes we need further proof that we can't touch the stuff. You sound even more determined now. I hope you'll post & read more often.

Chaz22

even more so now

Natom

Hey Chaz,

I'd recommend getting as many 'support systems' in place as you can. AA may work for you and you could do some research on it. Similarly, support from family, friends and even random strangers on an internet forum can be beneficial. The more systems you have in place the less likely you are to slip.

Natom

Ustacallmelola

I have been trying to quit unsuccessfully for a decade. I always fall flat on my face. My husband does not have any expectations that I will stay sober. I do not blame him. I started to going to meetings last week. It is hard for me because I am an Atheist, but I have a companion book to help. I know the program from back in the 90's when I went to NA. It got me clean from drugs. I take what I need and leave the rest. I know now that I cannot do this by myself. I do not have control. Alcohol controls me. I need to let people help me. Maybe you do too.

Evoo

I want to challenge this thinking right away.

For me, I had to stop framing things with this kind of self-loathing language.

I no longer believe that being an alcoholic makes me weak or defective, or as I may have framed in my youth, “less of a man.” That was my addiction talking all along.

I also lied to my fiancée about alcohol — how much I’d had, whether I’d been drinking on trips etc. — but our relationship in marriage is so much stronger because we’ve committed to never lie to each other. That’s a promise I take very seriously, but also one I know that alcohol would never let me keep.

So it had to go. My addiction isn’t welcome in our marriage.

You can do it — but don’t wallow. Happy to talk more — a lot about what you just described feels familiar to me.

sydneyman

A relapse starts before we have that drink. It takes us many goes sometimes to stay AF. Keep going you obviously want it as you are back here.

Chaz22

How do you regain trust after slipping up? Even though sincere it sounds like the same ol song and dance to your partner? Any recommendations? Resources? Accountability?

Paperbag

Like others have said, it was a drink, not the end of the world after so long sober. Just try not to do it again! Keep at it man, we're all in the same boat.

Coldfusion

I like the recovery program of AA because the Twelve Steps deal with all this and more.

Chaz22

I plan on going to a meeting tonight to learn more.

doggonecarl

If your fiancee was to post such a question on the Friends and Family of Alcoholics board, she'd be told it isn't about what you say, but what you do. You aren't going to "talk" trust back by promises of sobriety. All that matters is action.

What is action? Going to AA. Seeing an addiction specialist. Making the noticeable changes in your life to support your decision to quit drinking.

Chaz22

Yea I know. It's more the lying and trust part. I've learned in 21 days of being on here that most folks to include myself don't really understand alcoholism as a disease.

So you just come across to them especially to your love ones as a liar. That's the hardest part. I merely became complacent in my pro-activeness and with in a split non-premeditated fault slip-up.

It's crazy thru it all you never think about others it affects. In fact you don't even think at all until after drink it. Then in my case I lied about it. Was asked to come clean, did knowing the outcome would be terrible.

Do spouses ever accompany to AA? I just feel like the more we are both educated to more we can opening communicate it. I can be seen as fighting an illness that far harder than thought versus as a person that is perceived as selfish and putting alcohol first above my family.

WeThinkNot

My wife kicked my drunk behind to the curb and then promptly divorced me some years ago. She was absolutely 100% right to do so.

I can empathize with you and I want you to know that what I'm about to say is "tough love". This whole post reads to me like a big excuse. You are trying to trivialize your "non-premeditated fault slip-up" and using the alcoholism as disease model to excuse your drinking. Rest assured that putting alcohol above your family is the absolute definition of selfish behavior. Just like I was being selfish during my active drinking years.

I can bow out of your thread if what I'm saying is upsetting but there is something I can predict with confidence: if you don't stop drinking she will leave you. It might not happen soon but eventually she will get sick of it as she should. How you wish to proceed is entirely up to you.

Dee74

If its an open meeting spouses can attend - I dunno how I'd feel about that tho if there were things I needed to share that might hurt my spouse.

I relapsed many many times because I thought all it needed was a mindset change.

Declaring I will be sober is all very well, but I was still living my drinkers life - a life geared to drinking

I had nothing in place to help me deal with my problems, or stress, or relaxation or have fun - the default for all those things was, and remained , a bottle.

Until I made changes in my life to better reflect my desire to be sober; and until I found support to help me do that - and use it when I needed it - I was pretty much doomed to repeating the same cycle over and over.

this is a pretty good link on making your own recovery action plan

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html

D

Zebra1275

You have to work on your sobriety plan everyday, especially in the beginning.

I found AA to be a good companion to this website. Both of these were key to me getting sober.