Sometimes Day 1s are the most important.
 

I will only post this first blog post here, then the rest in my blog. But I
just wanted to leave this here, because it's my day 1. Maybe this will prevent someone from picking up, I don't know.

As I peel my eyes open, I realize I am still drunk. And why wouldn't I be? I went to bed 4 hours ago after I had completed my 13th glass of pinot Grigio. I know the worst hasn't hit yet since I am still drunk. My kids are up at my parents house and I wasted a perfectly good nights sleep on yet another ugly binge. When was this going to end? If I had a nickel for every time I said that, I could buy seven yachts. Well I guess since I don't have to get up with the kids, I will try to get some more sleep. Should I drink again today? That would certainly kill the hangover and stave off the withdrawals. Yup, I am 32 and I have drank enough to form withdrawals from alcohol. If that isn't sad I don't know what is. 8:20am I wake up again. STILL drunk. Wishing, praying, for 8:20pm where I can lay my head back on the pillow and go to bed sober, and form a new plan, yet again. This has to be my last day 1. My husband comes into the bedroom and just looks at me with that "well you did it again" look. I have sworn off alcohol to him so many times I have lost count, and he quite believing me. I just want a new life. No I want my life but I so badly want to be sober and happy. I use to be good at Crossfit. Now I am not. I don't even know who I am anymore. My whole body is shaking, trembling. My heart is beating so hard and fast I am surprised I am still alive. My mind is pained from worrying about serious, possibly dangerous withdrawals. Are these them? I can hardly breathe. My anxiety is through the roof. This is no way to live, this is the way to die. I so badly don't want to drink at the very same time I do. I can't explain it. No one would believe me. This is my last day 1. I write this at 3:50pm, and I am still severely hungover. I miss my kids like crazy. They deserve a better mother. One that won't pass out with her 2 year old in the same bed. Oh gosh how disgusting I must smell to them. How confusing this must be for them. I go to the bathroom. I can't look myself in the eye, but I do. I look like a pathetic, run down person. The light in my eyes are gone. It has been replaced by tired, bloodshot, glassy, lifeless, eyes. I go to the bathroom for the hundredth time because I have guzzled a swimming pool of water, but am still so thirsty. 8:30am. It's only been 10 minutes? There is still wine upstairs. Oh and downstairs. I text my husband to dump it out. If he doesn't, I may drink it and continue drinking until I pass out again, and then do this all again tomorrow morning but worse. I have drank for 6 days straight. The longest binge in recent times since I relapsed almost 6 months ago. What happened to me. I hang my head in shame and lay back down. Here's another beautiful day wasted because I will lay in bed all day. Please, please, please, future self. You are worth 1000 more than this pain and misery. Read this. Don't drink. Whatever you do, don't drink. You may have forgotten this pain, but it is very real and you will wake up tomorrow feeling this bad again. And it will have all started over again.

This is powerful. Read it tomorrow, and Friday, and Saturday, Sunday, so on.

Do you have a plan?

For me, my plan was built around this site and little gifts like this to my future self. They call it “playing the tape forward”.

If I go to the party, what will I drink? How will I get it? Is that realistic? At what point will I leave?

When I’m driving by the store, what will I remember about why I’m not going to stop and buy a box of wine?

Sometimes I found myself on autopilot going to put the blinker on to pull in. I’d flash to a memory like this. I stayed so close to this forum and to the class of August 2016 thread. I recommend joining February 2019.

And keep up your blog. Do it for you. This is a very good post. I remember so well. And I promise you, life is still life when you’re sober, but it definitely isn’t like this.

Thanks

-b

I hope you make this your last day one. :hug:

Hey Goose
I know that it is so tough. I have also had those hideous mornings after a nasty binge, my eyes opening and then I realize why I feel so awful. If I didn't have to go into work I would just keep drinking which seriously pissed off my husband because he had all kinds of plans for the day. His judgment was so hard on top of the shame I already felt. "Did you drink this morning" he would say in disdain.

I have been sober since May 2018 and it hasn't been easy but let me tell you it is soooo worth it. You actually get your life back plus so much more.
This site has been my tool on my journey into my sober life and it can be for you too. You will find tons of support and resources.

Stay close and share. We have all been where you are now.

Beautiful written and so true.. that was me every morning till I discovered this thing called sobriety... it is wonderful and I know you can do it too Goose... please know everybody here is rooting for you.

Powerful, powerful, powerful post.

Yep that feeling of another drink will fix my hangover, can't wait for the day to end so you can start Day 1 again, spouse shaking their head in disbelief ... I can relate to all that
I'm going to read your blog again tomorrow, it is very real and powerful
Make a celebration date, Valentines Day your Day 1
Thank you for sharing
JS

Your post is the reason I read here daily and don't ever want to go back to the way I was. Get well soon.

I can feel your pain, so many of us know that struggle. You can get out of the depths that misery. Welcome and good luck on your journey.

I felt lonely at first but looking back wine was my only friend or so I thought and once it was gone I felt alone like I had no-one and nothing. I isolated and hid my true self and feelings whilst drinking and lost the ability to reach out, ask for help and connect with real humans.

The more you reach out, post and share the less alone you’ll start to feel. We are all here walking by your side, at SR you are never alone. xx

Good stuff. I always had weird dreams, too, depending on how bad my withdrawals were (and the duration and intensity of my bender).

Good news is that each day gets a little better. Anything you can do today to help pass the time? Work? Gym? A video game?

What strategies do you have for staying sober?

Good luck, here in solidarity. :grouphug:

Also, Goose, back to your original post from day 1.

I can relate to most of what you posted when it comes to physical symptoms. At this stage, your addiction will be crying out the most. You can resist! If you need it, get additional support. No withdrawal symptom is worth the temporary “relief” of poison.

Keep it up. Glad to have you on board with February class :).

Hi! In fact I am keeping extremely busy. We are in the midst of buying a new house and selling ours so there is always stuff to do. And I will be packing very soon as well. They gym has always been a huge part of my life and previous recovery. Sort of like my AA. And I plan on making SR a big part as well. You guys are the best. I slept for 11 hours last night but I am SO. EXHAUSTED! Poison will do that I suppose.

Glad you're on Day 2!