Feel so alone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 69
Feel so alone
I feel this abyss inside me I keep trying to fill. I keep blaming everyone else for my hurt. I don’t know why I keep doing that. I resent people for not giving me love and compassion. I know these are all symptoms of the larger issue. The feelings become overwhelming and I just don’t know where to put them. It’s so scary that I can’t trust my own self. What a terrible, shameful feeling. My family officially knows I have this drinking problem and I feel so exposed and embarrassed. They keep reaching out to my husband to give him support. What about me? Why not reach out to me who clearly needs the voices of support. It feels so dismissive.
I’ve decided to start going to AA meetings, but this has been challenging for me in the past because I get so anxious public speaking, let alone about something I’m ashamed about. Man, the early days are tough.
I’ve decided to start going to AA meetings, but this has been challenging for me in the past because I get so anxious public speaking, let alone about something I’m ashamed about. Man, the early days are tough.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Everyone at AA has been right where you are now. No need to be ashamed. Shame is where the addiction hides.
I think working the steps is exactly what you need to fill that abyss.
Originally Posted by Liveher 
I’ve decided to start going to AA meetings, but this has been challenging for me in the past because I get so anxious public speaking, let alone about something I’m ashamed about.
I think working the steps is exactly what you need to fill that abyss.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 462
Hi Liveher and welcome to SR
Firstly, congratulations on accepting that you have a problem and making it known to those around you that's a massive and difficult step to take, but one of the most important, you should be very proud of yourself. It is going to make you feel exposed to begin with because you have probably been hiding it for some time but you have done the best thing, now you can start to move forward, heal and take control of your drinking.
With regards to your family, perhaps they aren't sure what to say to you just yet and are speaking to your husband believing that it is kinder until they know how they feel and want to proceed. It was probably a shock to them and they will need time to adjust, as will your husband.
Be kind to yourself, alcohol can have all kinds of negative effects on our emotions but it does get better with some sober time under your belt. I don't have any experience of AA but I have seen others say that you don't have to speak if you don't want to.
Well done on taking the first step, there's loads of support here
Firstly, congratulations on accepting that you have a problem and making it known to those around you that's a massive and difficult step to take, but one of the most important, you should be very proud of yourself. It is going to make you feel exposed to begin with because you have probably been hiding it for some time but you have done the best thing, now you can start to move forward, heal and take control of your drinking.
With regards to your family, perhaps they aren't sure what to say to you just yet and are speaking to your husband believing that it is kinder until they know how they feel and want to proceed. It was probably a shock to them and they will need time to adjust, as will your husband.
Be kind to yourself, alcohol can have all kinds of negative effects on our emotions but it does get better with some sober time under your belt. I don't have any experience of AA but I have seen others say that you don't have to speak if you don't want to.
Well done on taking the first step, there's loads of support here
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 252
If you're uncomfortable you don't have to share in the beginning of your AA journey. Just say you are there to listen. In fact, I was told to do just that. And for me the shame is in continuing the the cycle of abuse and not trying to break it. No shame in attending meetings and trying to make your first steps towards living in recovery and changing your life. Remember to give yourself a break, and credit for the positive steps you are taking.
I hope our support can help you get sober for good. 
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 69
Thanks everyone for your encouragement and warm welcomes.
It definitely helps to feel less alone and put it in perspective. I think I’m finally ready to take a leap of faith and that although attending AA meetings feels against my nature, it probably does for everyone in the beginning.
It definitely helps to feel less alone and put it in perspective. I think I’m finally ready to take a leap of faith and that although attending AA meetings feels against my nature, it probably does for everyone in the beginning.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Liveher - Many of us have felt the same way you are. You never have to feel alone - I'm glad you found us. Please keep reading & posting - we're here to encourage you. Life is about to get so much better & less stressful.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 252
When I first started going to meetings I was embarrassed and ashamed and wanted to be ANYWHERE but there and I kept telling myself I was NOTHING like these people. And I wasn't, because I was still very deep into an active addiction cycle and they, for the most part, weren't. My sponsor just celebrated 30 years of sobriety. He had his last drink before I took my first. Today I never walk out of a meeting feeling worse than when I walked in. I always feel better. You're not alone, Liveher.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 573
They keep reaching out to my husband to give him support. What about me? Why not reach out to me who clearly needs the voices of support. It feels so dismissive.
Because those who have to live with the alcoholic are the ones who have had to put up with the insanity and chaos that comes along with putting up with the alcoholic.
The support that you need should be coming from fellow recovering alcoholics who have travelled the road before you. I'm not saying you don't deserve the support of your family, but to call it dismissive smells a little bit like self pity to be totally honest. But that is also a part of early recovery. You'll get there. Just keep moving forward.
In no way to I mean any of this to sound harsh, but early recovery is hard, and the sooner we get honest with ourselves and let people be honest with us, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Because those who have to live with the alcoholic are the ones who have had to put up with the insanity and chaos that comes along with putting up with the alcoholic.
The support that you need should be coming from fellow recovering alcoholics who have travelled the road before you. I'm not saying you don't deserve the support of your family, but to call it dismissive smells a little bit like self pity to be totally honest. But that is also a part of early recovery. You'll get there. Just keep moving forward.
In no way to I mean any of this to sound harsh, but early recovery is hard, and the sooner we get honest with ourselves and let people be honest with us, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
I think I understand that empty abyss. That whole in the soul. The confusion that is created when nothing I do, no drug, no person, no job, no kid, no possessions, ever seem to help fill that hole.
I was always looking in the wrong place. Looking for the external to fill the internal....and of course, when that doesn't work, the resentment that ensues. The frustration of my loved ones, confused themselves. Thinking, I do everything I can to support this person and its never enough. They are still angry. They back off and turn inward. What more can they do?
Its an inside job, or so they say. I don't have a lot of answers, but I know that hole, that abyss that lives inside me is a void only I can properly fill.
Don't worry about talking in AA. Listen. Those folks know the abyss. And they have a lot of guidance on how to fill it....or at least start to.
Hang in there. Each day sober is a victory. Truly.
I was always looking in the wrong place. Looking for the external to fill the internal....and of course, when that doesn't work, the resentment that ensues. The frustration of my loved ones, confused themselves. Thinking, I do everything I can to support this person and its never enough. They are still angry. They back off and turn inward. What more can they do?
Its an inside job, or so they say. I don't have a lot of answers, but I know that hole, that abyss that lives inside me is a void only I can properly fill.
Don't worry about talking in AA. Listen. Those folks know the abyss. And they have a lot of guidance on how to fill it....or at least start to.
Hang in there. Each day sober is a victory. Truly.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by BlownOne
They keep reaching out to my husband to give him support. What about me? Why not reach out to me who clearly needs the voices of support. It feels so dismissive.
Because those who have to live with the alcoholic are the ones who have had to put up with the insanity and chaos that comes along with putting up with the alcoholic.
The support that you need should be coming from fellow recovering alcoholics who have travelled the road before you. I'm not saying you don't deserve the support of your family, but to call it dismissive smells a little bit like self pity to be totally honest. But that is also a part of early recovery. You'll get there. Just keep moving forward.
In no way to I mean any of this to sound harsh, but early recovery is hard, and the sooner we get honest with ourselves and let people be honest with us, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Because those who have to live with the alcoholic are the ones who have had to put up with the insanity and chaos that comes along with putting up with the alcoholic.
The support that you need should be coming from fellow recovering alcoholics who have travelled the road before you. I'm not saying you don't deserve the support of your family, but to call it dismissive smells a little bit like self pity to be totally honest. But that is also a part of early recovery. You'll get there. Just keep moving forward.
In no way to I mean any of this to sound harsh, but early recovery is hard, and the sooner we get honest with ourselves and let people be honest with us, the sooner we can begin to recover.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 69
Originally Posted by Frickaflip233
I think I understand that empty abyss. That whole in the soul. The confusion that is created when nothing I do, no drug, no person, no job, no kid, no possessions, ever seem to help fill that hole.
I was always looking in the wrong place. Looking for the external to fill the internal....and of course, when that doesn't work, the resentment that ensues. The frustration of my loved ones, confused themselves. Thinking, I do everything I can to support this person and its never enough. They are still angry. They back off and turn inward. What more can they do?
Its an inside job, or so they say. I don't have a lot of answers, but I know that hole, that abyss that lives inside me is a void only I can properly fill.
Don't worry about talking in AA. Listen. Those folks know the abyss. And they have a lot of guidance on how to fill it....or at least start to.
Hang in there. Each day sober is a victory. Truly.
I was always looking in the wrong place. Looking for the external to fill the internal....and of course, when that doesn't work, the resentment that ensues. The frustration of my loved ones, confused themselves. Thinking, I do everything I can to support this person and its never enough. They are still angry. They back off and turn inward. What more can they do?
Its an inside job, or so they say. I don't have a lot of answers, but I know that hole, that abyss that lives inside me is a void only I can properly fill.
Don't worry about talking in AA. Listen. Those folks know the abyss. And they have a lot of guidance on how to fill it....or at least start to.
Hang in there. Each day sober is a victory. Truly.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 3,293
Attending AA meeting is a great way to be around other people that will understand what you are going through.
Also, I think it is hard for family and friends to support the alcoholic at first. A lot of feelings get in the way. But I'm sure once they see you are really trying to take responsibility for your drinking and working to stay sober, they will come around. John
Also, I think it is hard for family and friends to support the alcoholic at first. A lot of feelings get in the way. But I'm sure once they see you are really trying to take responsibility for your drinking and working to stay sober, they will come around. John
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