Help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 25
Help
Hello, I am joining you for the first time after a terrible day with my now ex-boyfriend. He is struggling with alcoholism and mental illness, and has threatened suicide multiple times. About 4 weeks ago he entered a sober living facility and started to get some help. Today, however, he fell off the wagon in a bad way, threatened suicide again, and refused to go back to treatment. The police were called, and offered to help him get to the hospital. He refused, and they then arrested him for DUI and took him to jail. I have tried over and over to help him get treatment and support, but today I just watched as they took him to jail. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m heartbroken. But it was what needed to happen to keep him safe. I know they say you have to let go, but please help me understand how to do that in good conscience. I feel so much guilt.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 617
There is a forum here for friends and family of alcoholics as well as are you familiar with Al-Anon for friends and families of alcoholics?
None of this is your fault. I'm sorry for your pain. They will have some really great resources to help you deal with this and see the healthiest way to take care of you and get through this. He makes his own choices. Its hard to watch someone you love but get help from those groups so you can understand what is going on.
None of this is your fault. I'm sorry for your pain. They will have some really great resources to help you deal with this and see the healthiest way to take care of you and get through this. He makes his own choices. Its hard to watch someone you love but get help from those groups so you can understand what is going on.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,972
I’m so sorry what you are going through 
.
As Hope suggests, Al-anon is a good place for this.
I don’t have easy answers. I have struggled with codependency, so I understand. We can’t save others, though. We can only save ourselves.
Wishing you strength during this time
. As Hope suggests, Al-anon is a good place for this.
I don’t have easy answers. I have struggled with codependency, so I understand. We can’t save others, though. We can only save ourselves.
Wishing you strength during this time
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 985
I'm sorry for what you're going through...I'm sorry for the pain that alcoholism causes...It's not your fault. I'm not an expert but I have read a lot of similar stories on the "Friends and Family of Alcoholics Thread." Also, yes, Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I'm alcoholic and have a mental illness, so I can understand a little.
No one could have helped me when I was drinking (It's been ten years since I had a drink) so don't blame yourself. I'm an adult, like your boyfriend, and am responsible for my ow actions. I am responsible not any one else.
There's nothing any one could have done to help me help myself, including a multitude of girlfriends I went through, close friends or family.
I had to do it myself. First I sought help for my mental illness. Once that was under control, I started work on sobriety.
Mind you, this all took years. It took a few years to find the right medications and it took years to get sober.
No one was responsible for my actions except me. And I was wild and reckless.
I'm grateful for those who stuck with me, my true friends whom I have to this
day. But no serious girlfriend could ever have helped me. And some tried, I'm thankful for that, but I can't blame them for leaving. I was beyond their help.
My point being, please don't feel guilty. You did what you could. I'm afraid your now ex- boyfriend is responsible for his own actions.
He's an adult. He was getting the help I never got. I had to do it alone. No sober living, no wonderful girlfriend like yourself. Alone.
And I guess that's the way I wanted the way I blew off girlfriends.
I'm responsible for that.
Don't be hard on yourself. He had every opportunity available and blew it. That's his fault not yours.
I've been in his shoes is why I can be so frank. I blew it many times, too.
And I don't know of any of my ex-girlfriends who could have helped me.
It was me. They were my problems I got myself into some messes and I had to get myself out.
I had to seek help myself.
It took a long time, but I'm stable now. I have had serious relationships that didn't end in chaos as before.
So, please don't blame yourself or feel guilty. He had a great chance and the support of a great woman. It's his fault, as much as I hate to say that, he's an adult and as responsible for his behavior as much as I am.
Bless your heart for sticking with him as long as you did. I've been there on the other side so I know of what I speak.
It's not your fault.
No one could have helped me when I was drinking (It's been ten years since I had a drink) so don't blame yourself. I'm an adult, like your boyfriend, and am responsible for my ow actions. I am responsible not any one else.
There's nothing any one could have done to help me help myself, including a multitude of girlfriends I went through, close friends or family.
I had to do it myself. First I sought help for my mental illness. Once that was under control, I started work on sobriety.
Mind you, this all took years. It took a few years to find the right medications and it took years to get sober.
No one was responsible for my actions except me. And I was wild and reckless.
I'm grateful for those who stuck with me, my true friends whom I have to this
day. But no serious girlfriend could ever have helped me. And some tried, I'm thankful for that, but I can't blame them for leaving. I was beyond their help.
My point being, please don't feel guilty. You did what you could. I'm afraid your now ex- boyfriend is responsible for his own actions.
He's an adult. He was getting the help I never got. I had to do it alone. No sober living, no wonderful girlfriend like yourself. Alone.
And I guess that's the way I wanted the way I blew off girlfriends.
I'm responsible for that.
Don't be hard on yourself. He had every opportunity available and blew it. That's his fault not yours.
I've been in his shoes is why I can be so frank. I blew it many times, too.
And I don't know of any of my ex-girlfriends who could have helped me.
It was me. They were my problems I got myself into some messes and I had to get myself out.
I had to seek help myself.
It took a long time, but I'm stable now. I have had serious relationships that didn't end in chaos as before.
So, please don't blame yourself or feel guilty. He had a great chance and the support of a great woman. It's his fault, as much as I hate to say that, he's an adult and as responsible for his behavior as much as I am.
Bless your heart for sticking with him as long as you did. I've been there on the other side so I know of what I speak.
It's not your fault.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Hi and welcome Angel 
Like Ghostlight says, I was not listening to reason when I was in active addiction - noone could have stopped me until I decided to stop myself.
I'm really sorry for what brings you here but SR is a place of great support and strength and understanding
D
Like Ghostlight says, I was not listening to reason when I was in active addiction - noone could have stopped me until I decided to stop myself.
I'm really sorry for what brings you here but SR is a place of great support and strength and understanding
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,631
Hi Angel, sorry for what brings you here but glad you found SR.
As a few have mentioned, we do have a Friends and Family forum here and you might find a lot of threads there that you can relate to:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
There is also a stickies section at the top with plenty of threads that you might want to look at as well:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Feel free to post too, of course!
As a few have mentioned, we do have a Friends and Family forum here and you might find a lot of threads there that you can relate to:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
There is also a stickies section at the top with plenty of threads that you might want to look at as well:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Feel free to post too, of course!
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