Spouse drove drunk - not sure what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 83
Spouse drove drunk - not sure what to do
Well, I'm feeling pretty good about my sobriety, at about a month and a week. As I've said before, this isn't new territory as I've gotten to six months before, so I'm cautious to be too excited there. But this post isn't really about that...
Last night my spouse had to go out with a client and co-workers for a schmooze fest or whatever you call it. This is something new for him in a new-ish role. I asked him to please not drink and drive before he went. He's been staying sober with me, for the most part, which I haven't asked of him, but he does of his own accord. However, I feel like he drank more than he's admitting to me, which is the part that aggravates me, along with the driving.
So I'm very upset, thinking of all the things that could have happened to him, wondering what happened in the last hours before he came home. He said he didn't think it was as bad as I'm thinking, but there were some tell-tale signs that he was definitely drunk. I'll talk to him more later, because who knows how much of this registered during the very few words we had before I left for work.
But the other thing that gets to me is, I feel like I am, or come off as, a hypocrite. Like, so I decided that I'm going to be sober (for the millionth time) that now I'm acting like a nag or something, even though I know that's not the case. And I know that even when I've been drinking in recent years I've been much more cognizant of getting an Uber or cab or literally anything but drive drunk, but there are probably still some instances in recent enough history where I was closer to the limit than I should have been. And all that makes me feel like I'm in the wrong to be upset.
It also makes me reflect on all the awful stuff I've done or said while I've been drunk and since he's always been there for me and supportive of me that I can't be upset now. But I am.
Last night my spouse had to go out with a client and co-workers for a schmooze fest or whatever you call it. This is something new for him in a new-ish role. I asked him to please not drink and drive before he went. He's been staying sober with me, for the most part, which I haven't asked of him, but he does of his own accord. However, I feel like he drank more than he's admitting to me, which is the part that aggravates me, along with the driving.
So I'm very upset, thinking of all the things that could have happened to him, wondering what happened in the last hours before he came home. He said he didn't think it was as bad as I'm thinking, but there were some tell-tale signs that he was definitely drunk. I'll talk to him more later, because who knows how much of this registered during the very few words we had before I left for work.
But the other thing that gets to me is, I feel like I am, or come off as, a hypocrite. Like, so I decided that I'm going to be sober (for the millionth time) that now I'm acting like a nag or something, even though I know that's not the case. And I know that even when I've been drinking in recent years I've been much more cognizant of getting an Uber or cab or literally anything but drive drunk, but there are probably still some instances in recent enough history where I was closer to the limit than I should have been. And all that makes me feel like I'm in the wrong to be upset.
It also makes me reflect on all the awful stuff I've done or said while I've been drunk and since he's always been there for me and supportive of me that I can't be upset now. But I am.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
Without being married, there is little advice I can give, but I'll just give my "2 cents". If you feel like he is directly lying to your face, that's definitely an issue on its own. As far as drinking goes....your sobriety is yours and yours alone. He has to decide and make his own choices when it comes to alcohol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 83
Yes, and I'm definitely not trying to make any decisions for him on his sobriety. I've been clear about that to him. It's not my place and, honestly, it's enough for me right now to worry about myself. It's the driving and the lying that I'm upset about. I'll be interested to see what he says later today or tomorrow, since my guess is his head was still foggy this morning. He's not the type to lie to me about things, but if he's feeling guilty and hungover, he might downplay the situation.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: Northwest U.S.
Posts: 778
I don't think you should worry much about being a hypocrite. Drinking and driving is a serious problem. What's more, your spouse engaging in such a dangerous activity potentially has a big impact on you. If he hurts someone, you will feel his job loss and you will most definitely feel the lawsuit that will come. You do have a direct interest in your spouse's decision to drink and drive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
First off, don't minimize what you're feeling. Driving under the influence of alcohol is serious -- anyone who regulars this forum knows how destructive that can be, not just to your family but to others on the road. You have a right to be worried and upset. This affects you, too.
I obviously can't speak to your larger relationship or the details, but on your next talk -- try to have a conversation from a place of calm and in a way that doesn't immediately put him on the defensive. Frame it in with your own journey, your hope/desire for open and honest communication, and how much you care about him and his/your family's safety. Even "tipsy" drinking puts all of that at serious risk. That's a game of roulette you'd rather not take with your family.
When I was drinking ("moderating my alcohol") I regularly lied about how much I'd had or omitted facts about my drinking. Lying about drinking is not the behavior of someone who has a "normal" relationship with alcohol. That may be another discussion for another day, if you and him are open to it.
And I'm a big believer in counseling, family or otherwise, if there are continued breakdowns in communication.
Good luck and God bless!
I obviously can't speak to your larger relationship or the details, but on your next talk -- try to have a conversation from a place of calm and in a way that doesn't immediately put him on the defensive. Frame it in with your own journey, your hope/desire for open and honest communication, and how much you care about him and his/your family's safety. Even "tipsy" drinking puts all of that at serious risk. That's a game of roulette you'd rather not take with your family.
When I was drinking ("moderating my alcohol") I regularly lied about how much I'd had or omitted facts about my drinking. Lying about drinking is not the behavior of someone who has a "normal" relationship with alcohol. That may be another discussion for another day, if you and him are open to it.
And I'm a big believer in counseling, family or otherwise, if there are continued breakdowns in communication.
Good luck and God bless!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,496
Obviously drinking and driving is very serious and very dangerous. But, you've talked to your husband about this, and there isn't a lot more you can do. Above all, focus on your own recovery. I do hope your husband decides to stop drinking.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
As others have said there's not a lot you can do at this point other than share your thoughts on what's already transpired. If he's lying about his drinking that's a problem too, but again not one that you have much control over.
Having said that, drunk driving is a potentially fatal decision and a colossally selfish one. If you are in his presence when you know he's drunk and he attempts to drive, I think it's acceptable to at least suggest that he does not drive or take away the keys. And if it's a habitual thing I think it's perfectly acceptable to call the authorities and notify them that he's out there. A hefty fine and an ignition interlock can sometimes be a good deterrent.
Having said that, drunk driving is a potentially fatal decision and a colossally selfish one. If you are in his presence when you know he's drunk and he attempts to drive, I think it's acceptable to at least suggest that he does not drive or take away the keys. And if it's a habitual thing I think it's perfectly acceptable to call the authorities and notify them that he's out there. A hefty fine and an ignition interlock can sometimes be a good deterrent.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
