Liesinthesun

Wow the days have just zoomed by. Crazy how you notice that when you are counting. I feel fantastic. I am sleeping better; no more mid-night anxiety attacks or racing heart beat. Over the weekend we just watched TV, I played some games on my phone, and relaxed. I gave myself permission to do the things I normally did when I was drunk...NOTHING! I didn't try to go organize the garage or clean the kitchen or do laundry. I just sat. I sat like I let myself sit when I was drinking. And I didn't feel bad about it for one second! The nothingness was something I only felt when drunk, otherwise my mind would go through the list of things I should be doing from my to-do list. Drinking stopped the "you should go do..." thoughts. I am not saying I want to be lazy all the time, but I have had a cycle of "you should be doing..." thoughts going on in my head for years that never let me relax. Even if I was doing nothing, I felt bad about it. Never a moment of just relaxing. There came in the alcohol. So this weekend, I let myself just do nothing. I didn't feel bad about it. I didn't feel like I needed to get up and do something. I just sat. I watched TV. I did nothing. And it was GREAT!

Friday night I picked up pizzas, right next door to a liquor store. Funny thing is, I didn't even think of going in. They didn't have anything I wanted there. More and more as I look at alcohol, its really not what I want. Yes I like the buzz of a couple drinks... I do not like falling down, bruising my knees, forgetting what happened, and feeling like the walking dead. Its kind of like russian roulette. Yeah I might be able to have a couple drinks, be fine, and go on with my life. Or I might black out and forget everything that happened the night before. Its a gamble I can't take right now. Its just not worth it.

Last night I must have been sleeping good because I had a dream I was sleeping. Does that count as double sleep? Later in the night I had a couple dreams with Cardi B... odd yes. And then I had a dream I was drinking. In that dream it was 4:45am, I had drank all the tequila but wasn't crazy intoxicated and was struggling with the idea of maybe going to get another bottle. I remember my thoughts in the dream were "well you drank that whole bottle and you are still good, why not just keep it there instead of getting plastered?" Then I filled up a wine bottle with water and started drinking that. My dreams are weird, yes. Since I started taking Lexapro a couple months ago, my dreams can be pretty wild. Lexapro has been a godsend though. My anxiety is so much better now. I can't believe I spent all those years suffering and there was a medicine to help me.

So its been over a full week since I was last drunk. Wow. My husband continues to tell me he is really proud of me and how good of a job I am doing. Which is really encouraging because my kitchen a mess, I haven't worked in a week, and I forgot to pay the electric bill (dang it!). I allowed myself to just be. To just not drink. That was the goal. I had no other goal. That was my one thing on the To-Do list and I To-Do'd it!

I have gained 5 lbs. I am sure it is water replenishing itself from me being so dehydrated from alcohol. One thing I can say, my skin is so damn itchy. OMG everything, my head, back, legs, chest, hips. If I had long nails I would have scratched all my skin off. I looked it up and apparently some people start to experience super itchy skin after like days 5. I think my digestive track is recovering. I haven't gagged or threw up the first thing I eat. For the last year I have gagged every morning and the first thing I eat or drink with partially come up. Haven't had that happen in a week! I am hungry all the damn time though. Normally I don't eat in the mornings, just never been a big breakfast person. Now I am trying to pin down some foods before 10am. Small "sacrifice" for the bigger cause.

Last night I was trying to figure out what I plan to do with my days now that I am much more dependable. I had reached a point in life that I couldn't even depend on myself. If I had an appointment at 10am, it was a roll of the dice if I was gonna get there. I always have so many "I would like to..." but most of the time I didn't feel up for doing anything. I feel better now.

I told my friends that the liquor store people probably think I died. I am super social and I always used to laugh and talk with the clerks or the owner. I was in there 3-5 times a week. I have not been since two saturdays ago. They must think I went out of town :P

Well onwards to day 9. I wish you all well in your journeys.

Lipstuck

OMG. It's my day 8 and I had the most vivid dream last night that I drank and then was heartbroken and crushed that I failed at sobriety again. I was so relieved when I woke up and realized it was only a dream! I had a few teeny cravings this weekend but apparently my subconscious was being a jerk about them.
I hope things continue to get better for you!!!

WhoDeyPI

I'm so glad my itchy stage didn't last long, that was awful. Sounds like you're doing well. I struggled on my first few weekends, but now I stay so busy I don't even have time to drink even if I wanted to. I've dreamt of drinking many times, only to wake up and feel relieved that it was just a dream! .Congrats on day 9!

Ustacallmelola

I quit smoking 18 years ago and STILL dream of smoking even thought I never crave it. I am always so relieved when I wake up.

NerfThis

I quit alcohol nearly 200 days ago and still have those dreams sometimes. The other night I had a dream that I was back in my old university halls. I wasn't even drinking, but suddenly in the dream I woke up by a bush near my en-suite flat and walked back to my room, head hanging in shame and pounding from all the rum I must have had the previous night. The relief when I woke up a second time and realized it was a dream!

DriGuy

I remember the racing heart. It's nice not to have that anymore. I haven't had a drunk dream in years. I would wake up disgusted with myself, and it would take a few minutes for the emotions to subside, even when I was wide awake. They seemed like nightmares at the time, and I guess that's what they were. In retrospect they were a hoot. I never understood where they came from, and now I've heard they are common for many people.

You sound like you are on a good track. Your experiences in recovery seem normal to me. Well, at least it's about how my early recovery went. Normal? Well, at least familiar to me. I guess I'm normal.

Dee74

Congrats on 9 days liesinthesun

No offence to Freudians but I decided not to try and discern meaning from my drinking dreams.

I was securely sober when awake and I stayed that way even after the dreams stopped and faded away.

I dreamt of high school a long time after I left - didn't mean I wanted to go back there

D