Talking about not drinking
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
When I initially quit drinking (years ago), I finally realized that if I looked around (in a restaurant, on an airplane, etc.), a LOT of people were not drinking.....certainly not as much as I did. I drank to get drunk....no doubt about it. After I had been sober awhile, I would just order something non-alcoholic, and nobody even questioned it. (Everyone knew I was a drunk , I guess, but me). Even with new people, though, I would just say something like "I don't drink" or "I've drank enough to last a lifetime".....if the conversation persisted.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I know this only because the last time she was over my house, she opened up a bottle of wine with my wife but didn't even offer me a glass.
I thought for sure that when I quit drinking it would be on the 6:00 news, turns out it wasn't near as newsworthy as I thought it was.
Just like normies never wonder if they have a problem with drinking, they also never pay attention to someone's non-consumption of alcohol. It is not a high priority with them
The only people who pay attention to someone's non-consumption of alcohol are those to whom alcohol is a huge priority. So when I start the process of making personal decisions about present actions and future consequences, I don't weigh their opinions very heavily.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Originally Posted by lessgravity 
It's a level of discomfort for me in that it's not completely open, the fact that I no longer drink. Like a Band-Aid being pulled off, I guess I want that to be out in the open and finally established for everyone.
Everyone's different, but I don't publicly talk about being a recovered alcoholic except in very rare circumstances. But I'm very open and comfortable about being a non-drinker. It's way more normal than I had ever realized, hahaha!
Well done on getting through the dinner! I hope you have many more good times with friends, sans alcohol!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,964
Originally Posted by DriGuy
I kind of know what you're saying (maybe). There were times when I wanted to explain why I wasn't drinking in a group, but didn't want to bring it up, even though it would be nice to have an open discussion about it.
I think we blow this so called discomfort out of proportion, however. In spite of the importance of sobriety to us, it's just not that big of a deal to others unless they are recovering alcoholics also. A typical response to "I don't drink anymore," generally generates less interest than "I'm thinking about buying some new shoes."
This is why we have meetings and forums for recovering alcoholics. It's a specialized environment that does not exist in public. It's an environment where we can share an experience which is such a vital part of our lives that few others can really understand.
I think we blow this so called discomfort out of proportion, however. In spite of the importance of sobriety to us, it's just not that big of a deal to others unless they are recovering alcoholics also. A typical response to "I don't drink anymore," generally generates less interest than "I'm thinking about buying some new shoes."
This is why we have meetings and forums for recovering alcoholics. It's a specialized environment that does not exist in public. It's an environment where we can share an experience which is such a vital part of our lives that few others can really understand.
Spot on, Driguy! Thanks!
waking down
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 4,641
I usually start with a simple, "No thanks; I'm good."
I prefer to use humor. If asked directly, I often respond with:
"I drank more than my lifetime's supply before age 50, so..."
This gets a laugh and shuts them up.
The longer I'm sober the easier it is. I'm a musician and perform regularly in bars and venues with alcohol. People often want to buy me drinks between sets, and sometimes drinks are delivered to the stage. They just sit there, or a band member drinks them (although the drummer is not allowed, that animal).
Some family kind of avoid me because they drink and my sobriety and subsequent success (career, financial, joy) causes them some painful self reflection, I suspect. It is what it is.
I get not wanting to address it head on with people in early sobriety. For me, it was lack of confidence that I would remain sober, as well as shame for feeling I had to quit and that moderation had proven a non-option.
After a few years, my sobriety became of source of pride rather than shame. People have told me it's awesome that I don't drink and I don't judge those who do. In early sobriety I found being around people drinking kind of annoying, but now it doesn't bother me. Plus, I can be silly and hang with a drinking or stoner crowd, and then wake up the next morning and do yoga and have plenty of energy.
I think once I stopped judging myself for not drinking I stopped worrying about what others think about me not drinking. If folks don't want to hang with me, that' fine, cuz I'm fine with or without them.
I prefer to use humor. If asked directly, I often respond with:
"I drank more than my lifetime's supply before age 50, so..."
This gets a laugh and shuts them up.
The longer I'm sober the easier it is. I'm a musician and perform regularly in bars and venues with alcohol. People often want to buy me drinks between sets, and sometimes drinks are delivered to the stage. They just sit there, or a band member drinks them (although the drummer is not allowed, that animal).
Some family kind of avoid me because they drink and my sobriety and subsequent success (career, financial, joy) causes them some painful self reflection, I suspect. It is what it is.
I get not wanting to address it head on with people in early sobriety. For me, it was lack of confidence that I would remain sober, as well as shame for feeling I had to quit and that moderation had proven a non-option.
After a few years, my sobriety became of source of pride rather than shame. People have told me it's awesome that I don't drink and I don't judge those who do. In early sobriety I found being around people drinking kind of annoying, but now it doesn't bother me. Plus, I can be silly and hang with a drinking or stoner crowd, and then wake up the next morning and do yoga and have plenty of energy.
I think once I stopped judging myself for not drinking I stopped worrying about what others think about me not drinking. If folks don't want to hang with me, that' fine, cuz I'm fine with or without them.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,364
so the problems not so much people asking you but you wanting to tell them, less?
I told every one when quit. I think I might have been a little like my well meaning vegan friends who manage to shoe horn veganism into every discussion
I was proud of what I was doing, and to be honest, my re awakening ego wanted the attaboys.
The reality is most peoples eyes will glaze over.
What I drink or don't drink just not a topic of interest to 99% of people.
I learned that the hard way and I also learned there were very few attaboys too.
Its hard for non alcoholics to appreciate the travails of the journey.
One of my particularly blunt mates said no one gets a parade for doing what they should have all along.
Harsh, but honestly? true, as hard as it was to hear that.....
Over time I lost what I see now as a need for external validation and I gained so much more from being sober that this ceased to be a problem for me.
I hope it will be for you too Less
D
I told every one when quit. I think I might have been a little like my well meaning vegan friends who manage to shoe horn veganism into every discussion
I was proud of what I was doing, and to be honest, my re awakening ego wanted the attaboys.
The reality is most peoples eyes will glaze over.
What I drink or don't drink just not a topic of interest to 99% of people.
I learned that the hard way and I also learned there were very few attaboys too.
Its hard for non alcoholics to appreciate the travails of the journey.
One of my particularly blunt mates said no one gets a parade for doing what they should have all along.
Harsh, but honestly? true, as hard as it was to hear that.....
Over time I lost what I see now as a need for external validation and I gained so much more from being sober that this ceased to be a problem for me.
I hope it will be for you too Less
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Originally Posted by Dee74
so the problems not so much people asking you but you wanting to tell them, less?
I told every one when quit. I think I might have been a little like my well meaning vegan friends who manage to shoe horn veganism into every discussion
I was proud of what I was doing, and to be honest, my re awakening ego wanted the attaboys.
The reality is most peoples eyes will glaze over.
What I drink or don't drink just not a topic of interest to 99% of people.
I learned that the hard way and I also learned there were very few attaboys too.
Its hard for non alcoholics to appreciate the travails of the journey.
One of my particularly blunt mates said no one gets a parade for doing what they should have all along.
Harsh, but honestly? true, as hard as it was to hear that.....
Over time I lost what I see now as a need for external validation and I gained so much more from being sober that this ceased to be a problem for me.
I hope it will be for you too Less
D
I told every one when quit. I think I might have been a little like my well meaning vegan friends who manage to shoe horn veganism into every discussion
I was proud of what I was doing, and to be honest, my re awakening ego wanted the attaboys.
The reality is most peoples eyes will glaze over.
What I drink or don't drink just not a topic of interest to 99% of people.
I learned that the hard way and I also learned there were very few attaboys too.
Its hard for non alcoholics to appreciate the travails of the journey.
One of my particularly blunt mates said no one gets a parade for doing what they should have all along.
Harsh, but honestly? true, as hard as it was to hear that.....
Over time I lost what I see now as a need for external validation and I gained so much more from being sober that this ceased to be a problem for me.
I hope it will be for you too Less
D
And in terms of your friend's comment, the one that I really like best is - nobody gets credit for running out of a burning house.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,364
Fair enough - I'm not sure you can wrangle people tho Less - they're a lot like cats...ornery ones
I found when I made my peace over what and who I was, what others said thought or did mattered a lot less?
D
I found when I made my peace over what and who I was, what others said thought or did mattered a lot less?
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 635
Drinking responsibly umm what does that mean?
Thank you for your post LG but there is no way to drink responsibly. norms think there is but is a lie.
Alcohol is a toxin and a depressant and no matter how low levels or social you are with it is affecting your health.
The big C , your brain your liver your emotional being its all being affecting no matter how responsible you are. this believe makes me very angry because yes i had become unresponsively with my drinking but no i started thinking i could drink responsibly and look at me now.
alcohol is a drug and i way dangerous one we let the public believe . we let ethanol into our lives our thumps and demises and it lets us think its a friend.
well look at me now... i will probably died from this... it all started by drinking responsibly.
don't go back you are in the right path everyone else are drinking the cooley.
Thank you for your post LG but there is no way to drink responsibly. norms think there is but is a lie.
Alcohol is a toxin and a depressant and no matter how low levels or social you are with it is affecting your health.
The big C , your brain your liver your emotional being its all being affecting no matter how responsible you are. this believe makes me very angry because yes i had become unresponsively with my drinking but no i started thinking i could drink responsibly and look at me now.
alcohol is a drug and i way dangerous one we let the public believe . we let ethanol into our lives our thumps and demises and it lets us think its a friend.
well look at me now... i will probably died from this... it all started by drinking responsibly.
don't go back you are in the right path everyone else are drinking the cooley.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by Healthyandsober
Drinking responsibly umm what does that mean?
Thank you for your post LG but there is no way to drink responsibly. norms think there is but is a lie.
Alcohol is a toxin and a depressant and no matter how low levels or social you are with it is affecting your health.
The big C , your brain your liver your emotional being its all being affecting no matter how responsible you are. this believe makes me very angry because yes i had become unresponsively with my drinking but no i started thinking i could drink responsibly and look at me now.
alcohol is a drug and i way dangerous one we let the public believe . we let ethanol into our lives our thumps and demises and it lets us think its a friend.
well look at me now... i will probably died from this... it all started by drinking responsibly.
don't go back you are in the right path everyone else are drinking the cooley.
Thank you for your post LG but there is no way to drink responsibly. norms think there is but is a lie.
Alcohol is a toxin and a depressant and no matter how low levels or social you are with it is affecting your health.
The big C , your brain your liver your emotional being its all being affecting no matter how responsible you are. this believe makes me very angry because yes i had become unresponsively with my drinking but no i started thinking i could drink responsibly and look at me now.
alcohol is a drug and i way dangerous one we let the public believe . we let ethanol into our lives our thumps and demises and it lets us think its a friend.
well look at me now... i will probably died from this... it all started by drinking responsibly.
don't go back you are in the right path everyone else are drinking the cooley.
But I also know it can be consumed responsibility and enjoyed by many people in moderation. My wife can enjoy a single glass of white wine but never has more than that — I have never seen her drunk. When I told her I was having difficulty with alcohol, it gave her no difficulty whatsoever to give it up in solidarity. I’ve never experienced alcohol the way she does, where it’s just “no big deal.” I was hooked from my first drink at 19 years old.
For me personally, it would do me no good to snub my nose at people who can and do enjoy alcohol. But they are no more “normal” than me.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Yesterday a friend came over and brought us some lunch for helping him with his homeowners' insurance claim. Right before he was leaving, he said "I'm sorry I didn't bring you any beer (to my husband), but I thought you two might have quit drinking"....I was so proud to say "We did"! Of course, he has known me forever.....sober and drinking, and he knows of my struggles with alcohol, so it wasn't hard to tell him, or for him to say that. Then he told me how much better I looked, and it's only been 3 days....so that was a motivator too...even though it's also my ego!
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
lg, i think i get it.
and know the feeling.
what helps me, and, i hope, others at such gatherings who know but don't say, is to make a joke about it occasionally...poke some fun at my former drinking self, so to speak, in company i trust. and though they don't "get" or understand, it does loosen up the topic if anyone else wanted to ask something.
i don't do this often, but a little one-liner can help diffuse the "suppression" if i feel there might be stuff we are tiptoeing around. the tiptoe is tense and work, so if i feel it among trusted people, i try to open it up without making it the topic.
and know the feeling.
what helps me, and, i hope, others at such gatherings who know but don't say, is to make a joke about it occasionally...poke some fun at my former drinking self, so to speak, in company i trust. and though they don't "get" or understand, it does loosen up the topic if anyone else wanted to ask something.
i don't do this often, but a little one-liner can help diffuse the "suppression" if i feel there might be stuff we are tiptoeing around. the tiptoe is tense and work, so if i feel it among trusted people, i try to open it up without making it the topic.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: 45th Parallel, Michigan
Posts: 816
I know you're not looking to be congratulated, less; more like standing out in a crowd, wishing the elephant in the room could go away. I totally get that.
I agree with fini: a quick, toss-away one-liner works for me. My standard: "Oh, I don't drink any more, I had more than my share over the years...waaaay more than my share." It's always met with some chuckles and nodding heads; never once did it become, "oooh, you're an alkie? Let's discuss!"
I agree with fini: a quick, toss-away one-liner works for me. My standard: "Oh, I don't drink any more, I had more than my share over the years...waaaay more than my share." It's always met with some chuckles and nodding heads; never once did it become, "oooh, you're an alkie? Let's discuss!"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,278
After going through a few months of having to explain to my friends that I wasn't drinking and then answering the questions about WHY I wasn't drinking - I found just this past Saturday at a b'day lunch that it wasn't even an issue anymore with them . It has only been 5+ months, but it seems they have now also accepted it as "normal"
Also , I never pass on the offered wine glass - I prefer having my sodawater and lemon in a wineglass. Some of my friends even order the sliced lemon for me in advance now.
It used to be a difficult situation for me - but it has calmed down and has now become a non issue. When they have pre dinner cocktails - I have juice or something - But in the same pretty glasses as theirs.
Also , I never pass on the offered wine glass - I prefer having my sodawater and lemon in a wineglass. Some of my friends even order the sliced lemon for me in advance now.
It used to be a difficult situation for me - but it has calmed down and has now become a non issue. When they have pre dinner cocktails - I have juice or something - But in the same pretty glasses as theirs.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I'm glad it went well, less- sounds like one of the "early" (however one defines it so for me where you are, this would have been early) situations where it went as well as possible which is better than we worried it would - and we deduced a few things.
Realizing it isn't as big a deal to people as we are worried it is- def a process.
The VERY key point of us being the only ones who really get us is dead on. The longer I have been sober - especially because recovery is the backdrop of my life, pretty literally, as I am the daily ops person, if you will, for a restaurant industry recovery group in addition to my own program....it still takes me by surprise that more people don't get it, duh. And that's ok - I've got people here and IRL who do.
Keep going - you are on a path that is working well for you!!
Realizing it isn't as big a deal to people as we are worried it is- def a process.
The VERY key point of us being the only ones who really get us is dead on. The longer I have been sober - especially because recovery is the backdrop of my life, pretty literally, as I am the daily ops person, if you will, for a restaurant industry recovery group in addition to my own program....it still takes me by surprise that more people don't get it, duh. And that's ok - I've got people here and IRL who do.
Keep going - you are on a path that is working well for you!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
I agree with Ayers...about having something non-alcoholic in a wine (or pretty glass....although, sometimes (for me) it makes me think of alcohol in those "pretty" glasses and how it was "glamorized" by my parent' generation. I am not glamorous when I'm drunk....even though I thought I was when drinkinking
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