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Old 02-04-2019, 04:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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I did not go to the liquor store today


I have always been a binge drinker; I am 38. But in the last year and half I went from weekend drinking, to weeknight drinking, to drinking during the day and evening, to drinking in the morning.... its just been escalating. I can drink an entire full bottle of tequila in one day! I went from some, to half, to all! I have said things I don't remember. I have done things I don't remember. Fortunately I drink at home or I would have long since had a DWI. I have trouble sleeping. My anxiety is high once the alcohol has worn off. I have treatment now for my anxiety, but the drinking has become a habit I can't seem to break.

Spent half a day yesterday having cold sweats, half asleep/half awake, telling myself over and over "I will quit drinking!" I didn't drink yesterday.

Last night I slept horribly, more cold sweats and anxiety. I spent most of the night repeating "I am not who I was. I am not who I was. I am not who I was." until I could fall asleep for a short time. Then I would have weird dreams and wake up with a fast heart beat.

Today I told myself "if I do nothing else this week besides not drink , even if I stay in bed all day... If I do nothing at all, as long as I don't drink, I had a successful week!"

I made it past the liquor store today. When I got home, I gave my daughter my keys and told her to hang on to them until after 9pm when the store closes incase I got anxious. I tend to watch the clock and as it gets closer to 9pm, I will feel the need to head to the store. NOT TODAY. TODAY I WILL NOT!

I can't kill myself drinking. Its taking its toll on my body. I know I have to be dehydrated; my skin is dry. My pancreas only faintly hurts anymore (I had pain in my gallbladder/pancreas area for over a year), so I am scared I killed it. I have fallen many times and mostly won't remember how I got certain bruises. I am going to end up really hurting myself one day if I don't stop. Its not even about not drinking anymore and more about not wanting to die because of drinking.

I have embarrassed myself and my family. I have sad mean things I don't remember. I have done things I don't remember. That is not the way a wife and mother acts. My family supports me. They love me any way. I am lucky for that. But a lot of times I feel like I don't deserve them. I feel like a failure and I am better than this. I am better than what I let myself become.

So today... today I did not go to the liquor store and tomorrow I will not either. I am trying. I have to give myself a chance to be sober.

I am super anxious right now. That "you can start tomorrow" always creeps in. I will not go to the liquor store today. I WILL NOT! I am not the person I was. I am not the person I was.
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Old 02-04-2019, 04:39 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR! Removing the alcohol from the house was big for me. If I didn't have it readily available, it made it harder for me to obtain it when the craving hit (liquor stores close early near me) Sounds like you have your family's support which is a great thing to have. I progressed the same was as you and didn't get to the morning drinking yet, but was getting close. Heart palpitations and anxiety constantly. Keep staying sober and you will look better, feel better and have more clarity. Not saying it is easy, but once you have a few days or weeks sober, you will notice the difference.
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Old 02-04-2019, 04:57 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Hello and welcome. You'll find a lot of support here.
You made a big step by coming here, that's a great start.
I drank all day, too, at the end. I didn't have anyone to answer to, so I would stay drunk all day and all night until I passed out. Then the anxiety, remorse and promise 'I won't drink today' only to fail again.

If it takes staying in bed for a week do it. I spent what seems like a quarter of my adult life in bed recovering.
It may not be easy, but you can quit drinking.
And I drank like you for the last ten years of my drinking career. I now have ten years sober.
I understand how you feel.

There is help available. Here, AA and other programs of recovery.
No matter how low we've sunk, recovery is possible.

Best to you and I hope you stick around. You're not alone.
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Old 02-04-2019, 05:13 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Welcome to the family. You'll find lots of support here and I hope you'll use that support to help you get sober for good.
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Old 02-04-2019, 05:13 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thank you for your post, Liesinthesun. I feel very similar to this often times.
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Old 02-04-2019, 05:15 PM   #6 (permalink)
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It's a hard thing to realize one is an alcoholic and to take steps into recovery. Going through the withdrawal can be unpleasant, so if you find you need the rest now, take it. When I started going to AA meetings as an entry point to getting on the recovery I was told to take it easy and to be kind to myself, and I felt better knowing that others understood how I was feeling physically and mentally. The resources and people here on SR can be a great place for you to find your way now.

Kudos on skipping the liquor store and taking the precaution of surrendering your keys for the evening, and for sharing here. What you do for yourself over the coming days will be highlighted with the care of every person here as you take on this opportunity. Continue to do what you need to do to avoid picking back up. There is a way out of the place that you have found yourself if you really want it.
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Old 02-04-2019, 05:30 PM   #7 (permalink)
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It's so good to have you join us, Lies. This place helped me find the courage to quit a 30 year drinking habit. I'm very glad you realize you can't continue on that way.

Reading and posting here meant everything to me - especially in the early days. It calms our anxiety down a bit - just to know someone understands. You'll never regret taking this step - you'll be saving yourself so much pain and grief. Welcome!
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Old 02-04-2019, 05:33 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Your story sounds a lot like mine!! I have almost 9 months behind me and went from a binge drinker to a few nights a week drinking to excess in my last year and a half, I hit it hard!! I was starting to feel unwell most of the time and was sure I was slowly killing myself! At 35, I quit FOR GOOD!! You are still young and it’s amazing how your body can heal once the poisoning stops!! Stick with it, “one day at a time”, and now that every day, every hour, every minute, your mind and body are healing!! I still have rough days and some paws symptoms from time to time, but man it feels great to wake up sober and hangover free every day. You will NEVER regret this decision to get sober!! Please stay with us and stay strong!! You can do this!!
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Old 02-04-2019, 08:17 PM   #9 (permalink)
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very pleased to have you join us liesinthesun

great changes come from small decisions - you're on your way!

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Old 02-05-2019, 05:28 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Hello and welcome to you. I so much relate to your post. I too went downhill in a similar fashion- first drinking too much at night, blackouts, not remembering, etc, then I went to having a beer or glass of wine at lunchtime... then earlier and earlier until I was drinking first thing in the morning when I woke up.
I am sober now and happy for it. I know you can get there too. Good for you for not going to the store and surrendering your keys. Keep up the good work.
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Old 02-05-2019, 05:33 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Nice to meet you🙂 I can really relate to what you’re saying. It will get easier though. Just give it time.
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Old 02-05-2019, 06:45 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I know how you feel. I was always an evening drinker, but would go to work the next day. Every day at work I would say "okay, today is the day I'll go straight home, and not stop at the liquor store"....and then somehow I'd end up at the liquor store. I dreaded the cold sweats withdrawal so much that I knew I "had" to drink to avoid it. I finally dealt with it, and you can to. Stay strong!
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Old 02-05-2019, 08:03 AM   #13 (permalink)
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you all are so amazing. The support here has been jaw dropping. Thank you.
My husband kept telling me "I am so proud of you. One day at a time!" last night.
I know my drinking is affecting every part of life. My business, my world, my family, everything. It dulls me. It makes me lazy. I use to lie to myself about how having a few drinks would help me with the boredom of tasks like cleaning, but I know the truth, it makes me lazy and not want to do anything at all.
I don't want to keep failing in every area of my life. Not when I know I am fully capable of success.
Last night I still didn't sleep well, but I went to bed at 10pm. I woke up many times in the night and felt restless. The cold sweats were largely gone, just every now and then I would get hot, so not as bad as yesterday.
Last night I wrote in my journal for the first time in a long time. It was nice to put my mind to rest before I turned out the light.

To another day!
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Old 02-05-2019, 08:23 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I used to tell myself "I don't need to drink but drinking would make it more fun"....turns out I was wrong about that. Imagine my frustration binging an entire Netflix show when drunk and then not remembering it the next day. What a waste of time!
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Old 02-05-2019, 11:36 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Liesinthesun View Post
I have always been a binge drinker; I am 38. But in the last year and half I went from weekend drinking, to weeknight drinking, to drinking during the day and evening, to drinking in the morning.... its just been escalating. I can drink an entire full bottle of tequila in one day! I went from some, to half, to all! I have said things I don't remember. I have done things I don't remember. Fortunately I drink at home or I would have long since had a DWI. I have trouble sleeping. My anxiety is high once the alcohol has worn off. I have treatment now for my anxiety, but the drinking has become a habit I can't seem to break.

Spent half a day yesterday having cold sweats, half asleep/half awake, telling myself over and over "I will quit drinking!" I didn't drink yesterday.

Last night I slept horribly, more cold sweats and anxiety. I spent most of the night repeating "I am not who I was. I am not who I was. I am not who I was." until I could fall asleep for a short time. Then I would have weird dreams and wake up with a fast heart beat.

Today I told myself "if I do nothing else this week besides not drink , even if I stay in bed all day... If I do nothing at all, as long as I don't drink, I had a successful week!"

I made it past the liquor store today. When I got home, I gave my daughter my keys and told her to hang on to them until after 9pm when the store closes incase I got anxious. I tend to watch the clock and as it gets closer to 9pm, I will feel the need to head to the store. NOT TODAY. TODAY I WILL NOT!

I can't kill myself drinking. Its taking its toll on my body. I know I have to be dehydrated; my skin is dry. My pancreas only faintly hurts anymore (I had pain in my gallbladder/pancreas area for over a year), so I am scared I killed it. I have fallen many times and mostly won't remember how I got certain bruises. I am going to end up really hurting myself one day if I don't stop. Its not even about not drinking anymore and more about not wanting to die because of drinking.

I have embarrassed myself and my family. I have sad mean things I don't remember. I have done things I don't remember. That is not the way a wife and mother acts. My family supports me. They love me any way. I am lucky for that. But a lot of times I feel like I don't deserve them. I feel like a failure and I am better than this. I am better than what I let myself become.

So today... today I did not go to the liquor store and tomorrow I will not either. I am trying. I have to give myself a chance to be sober.

I am super anxious right now. That "you can start tomorrow" always creeps in. I will not go to the liquor store today. I WILL NOT! I am not the person I was. I am not the person I was.
I just wanted to say, we are all here for the same reasons, I'm in early recovery, week 1, I totally get what your saying and what your going through........
The best thing I ever done was to come on here, no judgement, no shame.
Just a group of people fighting everyday, your not alone, together we are strong.
The only advice I can give, is to keep posting and keep close.
Just get through today, that's all you need to do.

Just today is all you need to think about.......
I wish you much love and strength
🙏💖
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Old 02-05-2019, 11:58 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Welcome Lies. Almost every one of us here has a similar story. I am early in my recovery 36 days all with the help of my new SR family.

In the last 36 days anytime I have had slightest of desire to drink, I would come here, either post my challenge or read posts from others, I have gotten amazing support.

You are lucky to have support of your family. Staying close to SR will be a great added bonus.

Best of luck on your sobriety journey. Only better days lay ahead.
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Old 02-05-2019, 07:06 PM   #17 (permalink)
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yay you can do this - liesinthesun

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Old 02-07-2019, 12:13 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Keep going liesinthesun! You’re doing great🙂
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Old 02-07-2019, 12:41 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Old 02-07-2019, 07:15 AM   #20 (permalink)
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How are you today?
Today is GOOD!
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