Liesinthesun

I am embarrassed. I typically didn't do this drinking liquor the past year or more, but last week, twice I had also went to the store less than a mile from my house and bought some beer. Apparently last Friday I was more drunk than I thought. I remember when I left I didn't feel overly intoxicated or I wouldn't have left, but looking back on it today I don't really remember what happened. I know alcohol would make me go through memory lapses and I only remember a man being really mad at me at the store, but other than that, I don't remember anything.
My husband came home last night and told me the clerk told him (since we live so close we go there almost every day so they know us well) that last week a man was yelling at me, that I had stopped at the stop sign and didn't move and he had to honk and go around me and that I shouldn't be driving in my condition, etc. The clerk said I didn't say anything to the man, bought my beer and left. I don't remember any of that.
I am so embarrassed! This is a small town. If the man wanted to take my license plate and blast it all over the local town facebook page, I couldn't stop him.
At first I got mad at my husband. I was upset that he was telling me something I didn't want to hear and I was already taking steps to be sober so I didn't want a lecture. Later I told him I was sorry for getting mad. He simply told me "I want you to be careful. What if something happened to you? You could go to jail. What if that man followed you home? This is a small town, everyone tells everyone everything. You could get in a lot of trouble." I felt so ashamed. I told him "I am trying." and he said "I know its hard."
My husband quit drinking end of last year. Last night he told me "Do you know why I quit drinking? Because two drunk people can't be together... all they do is fight. You can drink, but take care of yourself, you can't lose your mind like you have been." I felt more ashamed and could only look away.

I was worse than I thought. What if I got a DWI? What if that was a police behind me and not some angry man? I was fortunate. My husband thinks I quit drinking because of that incident but honestly I don't even remember it for it to have affected my decision, because I drank the following day as well. My heart hurts, because even knowing all this, I still kinda want a drink today.

Yesterday went ok. We went to dinner for my daughter's birthday. When we came back into town, we passed the liquor store. It was 8:48. I think the kids thought we were going there, but I was going to the grocery store for a birthday cake. The liquor store is across the street from the grocery store that I go to like 4 times a week...sigh.

This is an addiction. This is not a habit. When you know something is bad for you, really bad, and you do it anyway, you want it anyway... that's addiction.

I write all this and I still want a drink. I am embarrassed and ashamed... I scared my husband and myself.... and I still want a drink. I could have lost my whole life... and I still want a drink. That's addiction.

I feel sad. I feel really really sad right now. I thought I was a stronger person. I thought I had a habit... I have an addiction

Today is day 4 and I will not drink. I want to though and that makes me sad.

I slept in today. For no particular reason other than I didn't want to be part of the day. Took the kids to school and went back to bed until 1:30pm. Now I need to do some shipping. Drop at the PO. Drive right past the liquor store and get the kids from school. meh

ChloeRose63

Glad that you are ok. Really glad that you didn't have to learn your lesson the hard way. Your situation could be much worse.
Time to really put together a plan.
Hope you feel better soon. Stay with us for support.
You will get through this.

WhoDeyPI

Yikes, a DWI would be quite the wake up call, but also be glad you didn't crash and kill yourself or someone else. I was always a "home drinker", and when I did go out, Uber was my best friend. Not placing judgement, just have to be careful!

Congrats on day 4. Try to keep your mind on other things. I know it's hard, but it DOES get easier. Day 166 for me, and my biggest struggle now is telling myself not to stop at Taco Bell for dinner.

ReadyAtLast

hitting bottom would have been killing soneone whilst driving drunk. A Dui would be a minor inconvenience in comparison.

I am not judging you as have a conviction. But looking back i was worried about the embarrassment and shame of conviction. I really should have been grateful i didn't kill anyone.

I hope you can get a good plan to stay sober so you're never in this position again. The shame and memories will fade so a positive plan is required.

Liesinthesun

There is no Uber here or delivery service. I don't typically drive anywhere when I have been drinking, but I guess I felt I was fine. I WAS NOT! SO yes it was a huge wakeup call and I am glad I got the warning. I can literally see the store from my house, its 0.2 miles from my house. NOT that the distance makes it better or is an excuse. It is not by any means. Its more of a fact that no matter how close the store, its NEVER ok to drive there if you aren't sober.

Its 4pm now and its my typical time to be at the liquor store in 15 minutes. I have got to figure out a way to get my mind away from the habitual movements and thoughts. Because right now my addiction (I corrected that from brain) is telling me "well maybe this time you can just have a few drinks and not lose yourself"... LIES. LIES. LIES. Today is hard. Today my skin crawls. Today I feel antsy. Today is not my best day.

I know how disappointed my daughter would be and my husband, if they saw me taking shots. The disappointment in their face is all that holds me back. I can tell you if I was without family, I would be taking shots right now. Deep breath.

ChloeRose63

Take another deep breath. I know it is hard right now but, it will get better. Do you have any calming tea in your house? Try to relax. Maybe take a bath, get into some comfy jammies and watch a good movie, read a book or listen to music. Drinking is not an option so find another way to spend your evening. Start writing down your plan.

Liesinthesun

Thank you and yes I need to get my mind on something else entirely. I need to plan my life as a sober person. What does sober me do on a Wednesday night?
I remember back a couple times when I quit drinking before just for weight/health reasons, before I was a full blown alcoholic, I couldn't figure out what to do for date nights. Hubby and I would always go to the same place and laugh and drink margaritas for hours... so what were we supposed to do then if I wasn't drinking? I didn't know how to be sober.
Maybe we will make a craft. I own a cricut. Maybe we will make valentines gifts for my daughter's friends. Since I have an extra $28 I didn't spend on tequila....
I know your comment seemed simple, but it flipped a switch in my thoughts. Instead of sitting here thinking about how much I want to drink, I need to sit here instead and plan what I want to actually do with my time. I have plenty to do instead of sitting here whining about how "hard this is". Sober me... what does sober me do? Drinking is not entertainment and it is not a hobby. I need a hobby!

Thank you!

Dee74

that the insanity of alcoholism - the answer to shame from drinking...is drinking...

The madness hangs around for a little when we quit...we've lived with it for years...but I hope that soon you'll be staying sober for yourself - because you deserve it

D

Verdantia

Congratulations on day 4, Liesinthesun! Quitting drink is a decision you will never regret, and it's fabulous that you didn't have to hit bottom to make it. At first it was hard for me to realize that sobriety is a beautiful way of life, not a sentence or deprivation and that I'm not missing out on anything by walking around with a clear head and no shame. I find that volunteering is a way for me to get away from my own issues and help others and I've become active in my church, playing bass in the contemporary music service. I hope you stick around here and post often; SR was and remains a vital part of my recovery. I wish you all the best on your sober journey.

duane1

Ghostlight1

Hi I'm glad you're here.
It almost sounds like you have hit bottom. How low do you think you would need to go?
I hit bottom many times and bounced. I, too, was addicted to alcohol.
I was in three accidents I caused while drunk, and walked away from them all without a D.U. I..
Don't ask me how, I don't know why I wasn't arrested.

My bottom was finally doing shooters of whiskey at 8am on the two block walk home from the liquor store.
Of course I didn't have a car then I needed the money for booze.
Then I would drink all day until I passed out only to start all over again.
I lived and drank alone so I had no one to answer to.
I lived like that for ten years. At the end it was a nightmare.

Alcoholism is a chronic, relapsing and progressive disease. Without help, we are for the most part helpless against it.
Do what you have to do. Save yourself. And your family.

Do you and your family a favor and stop drinking now.
You've got four days, and that was the hard one for me, but it will get easier as time passes. We're each different, so there's no telling when that will be, but it will happen if you stay sober.

I can't imagine drinking the way I did with a family. There are such unfortunates, though.
You don't have to be one of them.

Best to you in sobriety.

Jim1958

Count yourself lucky that you did not get a DUI. I think that became my biggest fear. Destroying myself was one thing, but destroying another person and family was going to be too much to bear. I got to the point where I would get plenty of booze, even extra and keep it in the garage. Anything so I would not run out and be tempted to drive. I certainly deserved a DUI because I drove when I should not have. I look back and I am ashamed I did. Hang in there. You can do it. You can be a sober person. Just take things one day at a time.

Unshackled

Hang in there you have 4 days down. Days 4 and 5 and the first weekend were always the roughest for me. After that first week it got alot easier. You really need to find a new daily routine or new hobby to help take your mind off drinking. Keep your guard up the beast is a cunning liar and it does not like you being in control.

PurpleKnight

Draw a line under it . . . you don't need to go through any of that ever again or any of the insanity that addiction has to over . . . instead you can enjoy all that Sobriety brings to the table.

Keep pushing through . . . onwards to Day 5!!