Class of February 2019 Support Thread Pt 1
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington State
Posts: 591
Well I guess I'll post some more since I have a pattern of just checking in to say I'm here, but I don't engage much with other people and don't talk a lot about myself, mainly out of fear and shame. I suppose taking a different approach would be a good idea at this point.
So where to start? I'm in my 40s, single, never married, no kids, have been in active addiction most of my life since I was 17 years old, and have essentially wanted to quit & have tried in some form or another to quit for over 20 years now. I originally started as a daily marijuana smoker but switched to alcohol when I turned 21 and was an almost daily drinker for about 5 years before my first trip through rehab. I stayed off alcohol for almost 3 years after that but started smoking pot again after the first year. When I did finally fall off the wagon with alcohol again my pattern switched to binge drinking where I'd drink for a few days, then stop for a few days, over and over again. I went through rehab again after a few years of that and only stayed sober 90 days.
Since then I've gotten about a year sober again a couple of times.The last time was basically all of 2014. I started a new relationship at 9 months and relapsed at 11 months, lost the person I'd fallen in love with and have basically been lost since then for most of the last 4 years.
In that time I've gotten back to 1-2 months sober several times including during an outpatient program in 2015 and with a few different classes on this site, but never made it past that. I've noticed that now that I'm in my 40s this addicted life is getting more and more depressing as I feel like I've lost so much time including kind of my prime adult years in my 20s and 30s, and I think this is making it harder to build up and maintain motivation to live sober - part of me feels like 'whats the point?', but at the same time I know I've possibly got a lot of time left and want to see if I can find happiness in this life with the time I have left.
I've also mostly used marijuana instead of alcohol for the last 4 years because its legal to buy in the stores in my state now, and its easier to use and still be able to make it into work the next day. I have occasional drinking binges too but they are on the order of more or less monthly (including the last 2 days - I'm very hungover this morning). I think mostly using marijuana has made it harder to quit and the consequences and frankly pain are lower (so far) with weed than alcohol, but its a trap because it just keeps my life extremely small, and I'm not really living life when I'm high on weed either.
Additionally I've come to realize in the last few years that I have some co-occuring psychological issues which can trigger me to relapse if I'm not careful so I've been seeing a therapist most of the last 2 years to help with that.
Anyway, I didn't mean to write a novel but just wanted to tell a bit more of my story as like I mentioned I have a tendency to want to isolate and not let anyone into my world, which isn't a healthy approach to life or recovery
So where to start? I'm in my 40s, single, never married, no kids, have been in active addiction most of my life since I was 17 years old, and have essentially wanted to quit & have tried in some form or another to quit for over 20 years now. I originally started as a daily marijuana smoker but switched to alcohol when I turned 21 and was an almost daily drinker for about 5 years before my first trip through rehab. I stayed off alcohol for almost 3 years after that but started smoking pot again after the first year. When I did finally fall off the wagon with alcohol again my pattern switched to binge drinking where I'd drink for a few days, then stop for a few days, over and over again. I went through rehab again after a few years of that and only stayed sober 90 days.
Since then I've gotten about a year sober again a couple of times.The last time was basically all of 2014. I started a new relationship at 9 months and relapsed at 11 months, lost the person I'd fallen in love with and have basically been lost since then for most of the last 4 years.
In that time I've gotten back to 1-2 months sober several times including during an outpatient program in 2015 and with a few different classes on this site, but never made it past that. I've noticed that now that I'm in my 40s this addicted life is getting more and more depressing as I feel like I've lost so much time including kind of my prime adult years in my 20s and 30s, and I think this is making it harder to build up and maintain motivation to live sober - part of me feels like 'whats the point?', but at the same time I know I've possibly got a lot of time left and want to see if I can find happiness in this life with the time I have left.
I've also mostly used marijuana instead of alcohol for the last 4 years because its legal to buy in the stores in my state now, and its easier to use and still be able to make it into work the next day. I have occasional drinking binges too but they are on the order of more or less monthly (including the last 2 days - I'm very hungover this morning). I think mostly using marijuana has made it harder to quit and the consequences and frankly pain are lower (so far) with weed than alcohol, but its a trap because it just keeps my life extremely small, and I'm not really living life when I'm high on weed either.
Additionally I've come to realize in the last few years that I have some co-occuring psychological issues which can trigger me to relapse if I'm not careful so I've been seeing a therapist most of the last 2 years to help with that.
Anyway, I didn't mean to write a novel but just wanted to tell a bit more of my story as like I mentioned I have a tendency to want to isolate and not let anyone into my world, which isn't a healthy approach to life or recovery
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Hi Ollie
AV is actually addictive voice - it's an all inclusive demon
Its become a bit of forum shorthand here used by all posters but if anyone wants to read up on it more its a part of the 'Rational Recovery' method and its 'AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique)'
D
AV is actually addictive voice - it's an all inclusive demon
Its become a bit of forum shorthand here used by all posters but if anyone wants to read up on it more its a part of the 'Rational Recovery' method and its 'AVRT (Addictive Voice Recognition Technique)'
D
I’m digging in on this. So it’s really cognitive disassociation from any part of your inner monologue that would have you resume or romanticize your addiction.
I absolutely love it. I can’t believe I’ve never thought to so this before.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by StartingOverNW
Anyway, I didn't mean to write a novel but just wanted to tell a bit more of my story as like I mentioned I have a tendency to want to isolate and not let anyone into my world, which isn't a healthy approach to life or recovery
Marijuana helped me with physical harm reduction in early stages of recovery and attempts to “moderate.” It worked for months on end, until it didn’t. Any presence of alchohol, for me, eventually will snowball into worse and worse relapse over time.
And, in my experience, marijuana could never “replace” my drug of choice, alcohol. My AV would even push me to drink because I knew I could “cap it off” with a small amount of marijuana and get to sleep before it snowballed.
That’s not control.
False sense of security. For me — not worth it. And glad you’re part of Feb class!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 174
Welcome, StartingoverNW and thanks for sharing your story! This forum is an amazing place for support and acceptance. Keep reading and posting.
Canuck, you have come so far in 9 days, keep up the great work you’re doing!
Addy, thank you!
Day 10 for me and feeling better everyday.
Canuck, you have come so far in 9 days, keep up the great work you’re doing!
Addy, thank you!
Day 10 for me and feeling better everyday.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2016
Location: Washington State
Posts: 591
Thanks Ollie & Blue - its good to be here with you. I'm looking forward to getting to know you all as time goes on
Ollie - I agree. Moderation doesn't work for me at all. Marijuana is basically my drug of choice though really its not just the weed, its essentially a means to dissociate out of reality to the point I forget that I exist for awhile (usually the pot is combined with video games or sometimes movies/tv - something that distracts me from my own existence). I've come to believe I qualify as having avoidant personality disorder at this point in my life, so the weed is essentially a way for me to completely avoid my life for a short period of time. Of course when I do come back to reality (usually by waking up the next morning slumped over my laptop in bed with the light still on from the night before) I've only succeeded in making myself more depressed and anxious.
Blue - congrats on 10 days (and congrats to everyone else counting days too)
Ollie - I agree. Moderation doesn't work for me at all. Marijuana is basically my drug of choice though really its not just the weed, its essentially a means to dissociate out of reality to the point I forget that I exist for awhile (usually the pot is combined with video games or sometimes movies/tv - something that distracts me from my own existence). I've come to believe I qualify as having avoidant personality disorder at this point in my life, so the weed is essentially a way for me to completely avoid my life for a short period of time. Of course when I do come back to reality (usually by waking up the next morning slumped over my laptop in bed with the light still on from the night before) I've only succeeded in making myself more depressed and anxious.
Blue - congrats on 10 days
(and congrats to everyone else counting days too)
Duck Duck Goose!
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 325
Thanks for introducing yourself, startingover. We should probably all do that. I think I will later on today.
As for the symphony, it was awesome. Detroit has a world-class orchestra.
I did have a glass of wine during intermission. I’m not sure why I did it, except that I didn’t let any self-talk happen whatsoever. I just said yes, I’ll have a pino noir. Like on autopilot. It’s not like the people I was with would have looked askance at me if I had ordered a fizzy water, either. They wouldn’t.
So this is what I noticed about the experience. First, the wine really didn’t taste as good as it did last time I had it there - and I remember telling the bartender how good I thought it was then. So the Naked Mind was right. Second, it was a packed house, and I’d say probably 80-90% of the people there did NOT have a cocktail at intermission. It’s not a necessary part of the experience. Third, that simple glass of wine made me think about having more all the way home. Like I’d get anything good out of that at midnight. Fortunately, that one was fairly easy to talk myself out of, even though the local party store was still open.
Today I plan on working on our income taxes. Ugh.
ETA: Thanks for the shout out Addy. Yes, quitting smoking was very hard and an accomplishment of which I am proud.
As for the symphony, it was awesome. Detroit has a world-class orchestra.
I did have a glass of wine during intermission. I’m not sure why I did it, except that I didn’t let any self-talk happen whatsoever. I just said yes, I’ll have a pino noir. Like on autopilot. It’s not like the people I was with would have looked askance at me if I had ordered a fizzy water, either. They wouldn’t.
So this is what I noticed about the experience. First, the wine really didn’t taste as good as it did last time I had it there - and I remember telling the bartender how good I thought it was then. So the Naked Mind was right. Second, it was a packed house, and I’d say probably 80-90% of the people there did NOT have a cocktail at intermission. It’s not a necessary part of the experience. Third, that simple glass of wine made me think about having more all the way home. Like I’d get anything good out of that at midnight. Fortunately, that one was fairly easy to talk myself out of, even though the local party store was still open.
Today I plan on working on our income taxes. Ugh.
ETA: Thanks for the shout out Addy. Yes, quitting smoking was very hard and an accomplishment of which I am proud.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
Good for you NW! Join the crowd! Foie hang in there...I have been there and done that. The first time I slipped was on a cruise, and when the waiter came over, the words "vodka tonic" came out of my mouth, without me even giving it a second thought....and I had been sober for 9 years at the time! Needless to say, that ONE vodka tonic turned into a full on relapse that lasted a few years! Glad you didn't stop for more! You should be proud of yourself for not stopping at the store!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by trudgingagain
Good for you NW! Join the crowd! Foie hang in there...I have been there and done that. The first time I slipped was on a cruise, and when the waiter came over, the words "vodka tonic" came out of my mouth, without me even giving it a second thought....and I had been sober for 9 years at the time! Needless to say, that ONE vodka tonic turned into a full on relapse that lasted a few years! Glad you didn't stop for more! You should be proud of yourself for not stopping at the store!
Even after 6 months I did something similar. Someone offered me a beer and I reflexively said “yes.” I remember being disappointed by it, it gave me a headache.
That, of course, as anyone here would hardly be surprised — turned into several more.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 33
Canuck - I can relate about the work & dating. In the past, I have definitely fallen into a bad pattern of increased drinking to either socialize with coworkers or deal with the actual working part. Also have always had to use alcohol to date all due to my anxiety. So for now I am not doing either, as I am lucky to have help from family & focus on just taking care of my kids & the time I have left with them.
Today is 14 days. I’m pretty proud of myself. Never reached this far before. I’m surprised I’m not having cravings or really miss drinking. Then again, to think that 2 weeks ago I was throwing up a good amount of blood has kept me from wanting to so far. However, I am struggling with all the sobering thoughts & memories. It’s as if all at once I am remembering all the times I have embarrassed myself, gotten in trouble, lost my moral compass, friends, and just ashamed of all I can not remember. And there’s a ton of that. It’s scary to think of all I have done & said that I have no recollection of. But I know happened because of looking at my phone the next day. Or someone telling me. Even people telling me they have video of me or voice recordings. So I just cut them out. Out of embarrassment. But just thinking that those things are out there about me...forever...has been upsetting.
Thats not the real me. And this shame game isn’t fun. Also really mad at myself for how far I have let myself go. But that’s a whole other topic.
Today is 14 days. I’m pretty proud of myself. Never reached this far before. I’m surprised I’m not having cravings or really miss drinking. Then again, to think that 2 weeks ago I was throwing up a good amount of blood has kept me from wanting to so far. However, I am struggling with all the sobering thoughts & memories. It’s as if all at once I am remembering all the times I have embarrassed myself, gotten in trouble, lost my moral compass, friends, and just ashamed of all I can not remember. And there’s a ton of that. It’s scary to think of all I have done & said that I have no recollection of. But I know happened because of looking at my phone the next day. Or someone telling me. Even people telling me they have video of me or voice recordings. So I just cut them out. Out of embarrassment. But just thinking that those things are out there about me...forever...has been upsetting.
Thats not the real me. And this shame game isn’t fun. Also really mad at myself for how far I have let myself go. But that’s a whole other topic.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 1,443
NotMe2....I think most of us have regrets over our behaviors, once we get sober. After a while in sobriety, though, I think we all have to own our embarrassing calls, texts, behaviors, etc. and face them head-on. I don't want to "close the door on the past", but I do want to get some relief from the guilt, embarrassment, etc. I think that by STAYING sober, I can experience at least some sort of relief, and begin to apologize.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 246
Hi everyone. Checking in on day 6. I’m CRANKY today! The time I usually say “F it” and drink is approaching but I am NOT getting back on the merry go round of hell! I’m going to my daughters basketball game & to a meeting after. Have a good day everyone!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 141
Originally Posted by Addy47
Hi everyone. Checking in on day 6. I’m CRANKY today! The time I usually say “F it” and drink is approaching but I am NOT getting back on the merry go round of hell! I’m going to my daughters basketball game & to a meeting after. Have a good day everyone!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
Originally Posted by Addy47
Hi everyone. Checking in on day 6. I’m CRANKY today! The time I usually say “F it” and drink is approaching but I am NOT getting back on the merry go round of hell! I’m going to my daughters basketball game & to a meeting after. Have a good day everyone!
Duck Duck Goose!
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 325
Can I just pop in to say that I hate doing income taxes?! Although with all the changes, I’m glad to only owe $136. Not only did they change the tax law, but our son graduated college in 2017 so this was the first year without huge tuition deductions. I think we ended up ok with the tax law changes. Hard to tell because I’m not comparing apples to apples.
In keeping with this thread, I’m happy to report that I did not do my taxes under the influence of anything besides Sanders Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramels. In past years I can guarantee there were several adult beverages involved in the process.
In keeping with this thread, I’m happy to report that I did not do my taxes under the influence of anything besides Sanders Dark Chocolate Sea Salt Caramels. In past years I can guarantee there were several adult beverages involved in the process.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 246
Thanks Canuck. Yeah I do NOT want to do this part over again. It really sucks! Sunday afternoons are hard for me for some reason. I am not sure why? And I am soooo tired. Are you tired? Do you feel better today than you did on day 6?
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