Please help me not to drink at a funeral
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Originally Posted by LunaBlue 
I am so sorry about the sudden loss of your sister.
I went to my boyfriend’s funeral drunk 9 years ago and the shameful memory still lives in me today. It is one of the saddest things I could have done to him, his family, and myself. I beat myself up tremendously over that for a long time and became almost suicidal. I was asked to leave the funeral because I was so drunk and being obnoxious and telling people inappropriate stories and whatnot. Many friends did reach out to me over the next days and even months to tell me that they were surprised and saddened that I was asked to leave and that it was obvious I was grieving terribly. Several said they didn’t think I was “that bad” ....it didn’t really matter though, the damage was done, by me, and to me. I was devastated. His family forgave me. But I don’t know that I have forgiven myself. I don’t think about that day as often now, but when I do, there is still a big ball of pain. I’ll never forget how I went to an AA meeting several days later and sobbed through the entire meeting to a group of complete strangers and when it came to be my turn, and I told them what I had done, they were so kind. Some had similar experiences.
We are here for you! Check in! Big hugs to you.
I went to my boyfriend’s funeral drunk 9 years ago and the shameful memory still lives in me today. It is one of the saddest things I could have done to him, his family, and myself. I beat myself up tremendously over that for a long time and became almost suicidal. I was asked to leave the funeral because I was so drunk and being obnoxious and telling people inappropriate stories and whatnot. Many friends did reach out to me over the next days and even months to tell me that they were surprised and saddened that I was asked to leave and that it was obvious I was grieving terribly. Several said they didn’t think I was “that bad” ....it didn’t really matter though, the damage was done, by me, and to me. I was devastated. His family forgave me. But I don’t know that I have forgiven myself. I don’t think about that day as often now, but when I do, there is still a big ball of pain. I’ll never forget how I went to an AA meeting several days later and sobbed through the entire meeting to a group of complete strangers and when it came to be my turn, and I told them what I had done, they were so kind. Some had similar experiences.
We are here for you! Check in! Big hugs to you.
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Originally Posted by Rose7788
If you don’t drink at the funeral, you will look back and be so proud. Post here if you can and just plan for a short walk or deep breathing away from the situation if needed. Go in the WC or the lobby, a quiet place if needed.
Do you have sentimental memento of your sisters? Hold it. Hold it tight. I really hope you remain sober and I’m so sorry for your loss. This is life testing you. Hugs
Do you have sentimental memento of your sisters? Hold it. Hold it tight. I really hope you remain sober and I’m so sorry for your loss. This is life testing you. Hugs
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Originally Posted by Bonniefloyd
RAL, I have a sister too, and I can’t imagine how I’d feel if I lost her. I know this is going to be painful for you, but you will be so glad when you get through it sober. I really believe that sobriety will help you find peace and healing in the long run. Thinking of you. ❤️
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Originally Posted by Hopeful528
I'm sorry for your loss and pain RAL. It is the hardest thing to lose a loved one.
What I know is, that grief and sadness can be really hard sometimes, but you either do it now, or its waiting for you later anyway.
Hugs and love to you and I'm very sorry for the loss of your sister.
Can you make a exit plan for after so many hours if you are not feeling well? Do you find relief from herbal calming teas or lavender oil or anything like that?
What I know is, that grief and sadness can be really hard sometimes, but you either do it now, or its waiting for you later anyway.
Hugs and love to you and I'm very sorry for the loss of your sister.
Can you make a exit plan for after so many hours if you are not feeling well? Do you find relief from herbal calming teas or lavender oil or anything like that?
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Originally Posted by Zevin
I'm so sorry for your loss. Your list of reasons to not drink are perfect.
Lots of great advice from others here. I really like the idea of honoring your sister by staying sober. Can you share your concern with your husband? And leave early if necessary?
Prayers for you to stay strong. You can do this.
It's what your sister would want.
Z
Lots of great advice from others here. I really like the idea of honoring your sister by staying sober. Can you share your concern with your husband? And leave early if necessary?
Prayers for you to stay strong. You can do this.
It's what your sister would want.
Z
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Originally Posted by Delilah1
Hi RAL,
I'm so glad you came here and posted. I lost my mom the day after Christmas, and the wake and funeral were very emotional. I cried a lot, i was extremely sad, and it was a very difficult few days, but I am so glad I allowed myself to feel everything I did sober.
I stayed at my mom's house, and my brother, who is an addict lives with her. He has struggled with drugs since he was a teenager, and he was using during the few days I was back for the funeral. I can share that some of the things he said out loud to family made me cringe. I couldn't leave fast enough the day after the funeral because he was making me crazy. His comments were thoughtless and self centered, I know I cannot say that is fully because he was under the influence, but it certainly contributed.
I'm still grieving, it's been a little over a month, and I feel like I just snapped out of a trance this week, but random thoughts still pop into my head daily.
You can do this sober, I know it is going to be an extremely difficult, and emotional few days. Allow yourself to cry, scream, be sad. I found escaping for a walk each day while I was back in NY was helpful, it allowed me to clear my head.
I celebrated three years of sobriety the day after her funeral, and I know she would be very proud of me for that.
Please know we are all here for you.
Sending my very deepest condolences for the loss of your sister, and lots of love your way.
❤️Delilah
I'm so glad you came here and posted. I lost my mom the day after Christmas, and the wake and funeral were very emotional. I cried a lot, i was extremely sad, and it was a very difficult few days, but I am so glad I allowed myself to feel everything I did sober.
I stayed at my mom's house, and my brother, who is an addict lives with her. He has struggled with drugs since he was a teenager, and he was using during the few days I was back for the funeral. I can share that some of the things he said out loud to family made me cringe. I couldn't leave fast enough the day after the funeral because he was making me crazy. His comments were thoughtless and self centered, I know I cannot say that is fully because he was under the influence, but it certainly contributed.
I'm still grieving, it's been a little over a month, and I feel like I just snapped out of a trance this week, but random thoughts still pop into my head daily.
You can do this sober, I know it is going to be an extremely difficult, and emotional few days. Allow yourself to cry, scream, be sad. I found escaping for a walk each day while I was back in NY was helpful, it allowed me to clear my head.
I celebrated three years of sobriety the day after her funeral, and I know she would be very proud of me for that.
Please know we are all here for you.
Sending my very deepest condolences for the loss of your sister, and lots of love your way.
❤️Delilah
I love your posts on SR. You are always so helpful and understanding, never judgmental or critical. You strike the right balance. Thanks for all you do.x
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Originally Posted by DontRemember
Sorry for your and your family's loss. Be there,sober, for your parents/siblings/other family,ect...
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ReadyAtLast, first of all, I am so sorry for your loss.
You are a seasoned sobriety warrior and you know that 15 days is a very early stage and emotions are all over the place.
And that is why I am little bit concerned about you using this list of reasons as a tool to prevent you from drinking.
As they say “People are emotional creatures masquearading to be logical ones". When we are in emotionally overwhelming situation logic, doesn't matter how strong, loses most of its power.
I once read that in important ways people often treat the future self as if it is an another person. And If people consider the future self as a stranger it’s harder to make the best choice in a given situation, especially when this choice is extremely uncomfortable.
At the funerals you will be dealing with so called situational triggers which appear to be less powerful now, when you are not immersed in the situation itself.
It’s hard to predict exactly an emotional state - everyone is different. But chances are that you will experience very tough emotional state. And then there may be the case that emotional pain of the future (I.e . The pain your future self will experience if anything from the list happens) will not be strong enough to counter the emotional pain of the present moment.
The future pain is less real, it is somewhere in the distance. While the present pain is right here, it’s raw and and unbearable, and demands to be attended to immediately.
Let alone the pressure (direct and indirect) of relatives and traditions when it’s often considered almost “inappropriate” or “disrespectful” not to raise a glass to honour memory of the person who passed away.
It’s a great idea to have SR in your pocket. Please, post and ask for help if thoughts about drinking emerge or you just need to talk. I’ll be on-line almost all day tomorrow (except for boxing workout).
I’d also suggest:
- As my therapist used to say “Let grief do its work”. Don’t hold your emotions back. Don’t think about what you should or should not feel. You are bidding final farewell to a dear person and only you know what kind of emotions to experience.
- Maybe, write the following on a piece of paper: “The best way to honor memory of my sister is to stay sober, clear-headed and brave to face the situation as it is. A glass of wine has nothing to do with it.” And put the piece of paper on your pocket where you can always feel it.
- If some of your relatives insists too much on you having “just one”, don’t hesitate to excuse yourself to get some fresh air, take a deep breath and remind yourself what really matters.
That's all I can come up to right now.
Hugs to you.
Stay strong.
Stay close to us.
You are a seasoned sobriety warrior and you know that 15 days is a very early stage and emotions are all over the place.
And that is why I am little bit concerned about you using this list of reasons as a tool to prevent you from drinking.
As they say “People are emotional creatures masquearading to be logical ones". When we are in emotionally overwhelming situation logic, doesn't matter how strong, loses most of its power.
I once read that in important ways people often treat the future self as if it is an another person. And If people consider the future self as a stranger it’s harder to make the best choice in a given situation, especially when this choice is extremely uncomfortable.
At the funerals you will be dealing with so called situational triggers which appear to be less powerful now, when you are not immersed in the situation itself.
It’s hard to predict exactly an emotional state - everyone is different. But chances are that you will experience very tough emotional state. And then there may be the case that emotional pain of the future (I.e . The pain your future self will experience if anything from the list happens) will not be strong enough to counter the emotional pain of the present moment.
The future pain is less real, it is somewhere in the distance. While the present pain is right here, it’s raw and and unbearable, and demands to be attended to immediately.
Let alone the pressure (direct and indirect) of relatives and traditions when it’s often considered almost “inappropriate” or “disrespectful” not to raise a glass to honour memory of the person who passed away.
It’s a great idea to have SR in your pocket. Please, post and ask for help if thoughts about drinking emerge or you just need to talk. I’ll be on-line almost all day tomorrow (except for boxing workout).
I’d also suggest:
- As my therapist used to say “Let grief do its work”. Don’t hold your emotions back. Don’t think about what you should or should not feel. You are bidding final farewell to a dear person and only you know what kind of emotions to experience.
- Maybe, write the following on a piece of paper: “The best way to honor memory of my sister is to stay sober, clear-headed and brave to face the situation as it is. A glass of wine has nothing to do with it.” And put the piece of paper on your pocket where you can always feel it.
- If some of your relatives insists too much on you having “just one”, don’t hesitate to excuse yourself to get some fresh air, take a deep breath and remind yourself what really matters.
That's all I can come up to right now.
Hugs to you.
Stay strong.
Stay close to us.
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Hi RAL,
Just checking in to say good morning. I'm thinking about you and your family as you say goodbye to your sister. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. Please know we are here for you.
Check in as often as you need.
❤️Delilah
Just checking in to say good morning. I'm thinking about you and your family as you say goodbye to your sister. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. Please know we are here for you.
Check in as often as you need.
❤️Delilah
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Thanks Midnight - thanks for taking the time to write out your post. It's powerful stuff. That is what i'm most afraid of = being in the moment. I've spoken to my other sister today and told her I will not be drinking. She gets it too and understands why I won't drink.
Thanks Delilah and Darkling song too. I do feel stronger today. Whilst there will be grief and sadness and crying at the church and crematorium I am sure (from previous funerals) that when we are at the function room it will be lighter hearted and relaxed. I will have no hesitation to leave the room if it is too much. I will be checking in to SR regularly and thank you
Thanks Delilah and Darkling song too. I do feel stronger today. Whilst there will be grief and sadness and crying at the church and crematorium I am sure (from previous funerals) that when we are at the function room it will be lighter hearted and relaxed. I will have no hesitation to leave the room if it is too much. I will be checking in to SR regularly and thank you
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Originally Posted by ReadyAtLast
My sister died last week unexpectedly. I am only 11 days sober and will be 15 days sober the day of the funeral. I have not had a drink despite the terrible week. I do not want to drink at the funeral. I am one of the people on SR who always tell people to say no and avoid events, put sobriety first and say no. However, I cannot NOT go to my sister's funeral.
I plan to have a good breakfast and after the church and crematorium go to where the funeral breakfast is. I will have sparkling water with me and my car outside with a large stash of water. I will drink sparking water from the bar inside and maybe a lemonade as a treat. I will eat upon arrival. I also have cigarettes in my bag to smoke outside or in the car. It sounds strange but if I smoke I do not want to drink although I'm not a regular smoker.
My family (siblings) are all heavy drinkers at such events. Irish Catholics. I know they will be saying oh don't be boring etc etc. That doesn't worry me as much as the want/overwhelming urge which may come upon me when I am there. I am trying to plan as much as possible. I will have my car outside and SR in my pocket.
I've compiled a list of reasons NOT to drink at the funeral and will keep reading all weekend and when there. I am determined.
1. I will feel bad about myself for being weak and giving in.
2. I will not sip the wine but gulp it down.
3. After 1 glass I will be merry and a bit sillly.
4. I will keep drinking more and more wine.
5. I will start slurring my words.
6. I will start talking loudly.
7. I will say inappropriate things and tell people what I really think of them.
8. I will embarrass myself (again)
9. I will embarrass my mother and make her ashamed of me. (again)
10. People will say oh here she goes again. She was always like this.
11. People I've not seen for years will see me make a fool of myself.
12. I will possibly fall over.
13. I will cause a row.
14. I will keep drinking more and more and possibly insult people.
15. My husband will be really angry with me.
16. My son will see me behave badly.
17. I won't sleep at all.
18. If I do sleep I will wake in the early hours with a banging headache, raging thirst, sickness and sweating.
19. The following day will be full of shame.
20, I will always be remembered as the person who ruined her sister's funeral.
21. I will throw away 2 weeks of sobriety.
22. I will have to come back here and tell you Ive failed.
23. I will have to join yet another class.
24. I might have a meltdown and drive away and get arrested put in prison or kill someone drinking and driving.
25. I will make a total and utter fool of myself,
So the above MIGHT not all happen. But they might.
One thing is for sure - if I don't drink then NONE of the above will happen.
Please God and SR help me get through and not drink.
please feel free to add any other things I've forgotten and if anyone has advice please help me. thank you
I plan to have a good breakfast and after the church and crematorium go to where the funeral breakfast is. I will have sparkling water with me and my car outside with a large stash of water. I will drink sparking water from the bar inside and maybe a lemonade as a treat. I will eat upon arrival. I also have cigarettes in my bag to smoke outside or in the car. It sounds strange but if I smoke I do not want to drink although I'm not a regular smoker.
My family (siblings) are all heavy drinkers at such events. Irish Catholics. I know they will be saying oh don't be boring etc etc. That doesn't worry me as much as the want/overwhelming urge which may come upon me when I am there. I am trying to plan as much as possible. I will have my car outside and SR in my pocket.
I've compiled a list of reasons NOT to drink at the funeral and will keep reading all weekend and when there. I am determined.
1. I will feel bad about myself for being weak and giving in.
2. I will not sip the wine but gulp it down.
3. After 1 glass I will be merry and a bit sillly.
4. I will keep drinking more and more wine.
5. I will start slurring my words.
6. I will start talking loudly.
7. I will say inappropriate things and tell people what I really think of them.
8. I will embarrass myself (again)
9. I will embarrass my mother and make her ashamed of me. (again)
10. People will say oh here she goes again. She was always like this.
11. People I've not seen for years will see me make a fool of myself.
12. I will possibly fall over.
13. I will cause a row.
14. I will keep drinking more and more and possibly insult people.
15. My husband will be really angry with me.
16. My son will see me behave badly.
17. I won't sleep at all.
18. If I do sleep I will wake in the early hours with a banging headache, raging thirst, sickness and sweating.
19. The following day will be full of shame.
20, I will always be remembered as the person who ruined her sister's funeral.
21. I will throw away 2 weeks of sobriety.
22. I will have to come back here and tell you Ive failed.
23. I will have to join yet another class.
24. I might have a meltdown and drive away and get arrested put in prison or kill someone drinking and driving.
25. I will make a total and utter fool of myself,
So the above MIGHT not all happen. But they might.
One thing is for sure - if I don't drink then NONE of the above will happen.
Please God and SR help me get through and not drink.
please feel free to add any other things I've forgotten and if anyone has advice please help me. thank you
Secondly, I think you hit all the nails on the head in your many reasons not to drink. When my grandma died 5 years ago, my uncle (who is now also passed away) was in the worst of the worst of his alcoholism, and the majority of our family was just finding out about it. I’ll never forget him snoring away his hangover in the back of our limo following the hearse to the cemetery. It was like nails on a chalkboard to me...on the hardest day of my life. I kept looking back at him during the ride with complete disgust (I hadn’t hit my level of problem drinking back then yet, so I didn’t understand, and i was just MAD at him), completely passed out with no concern for his mother or any of us. Or hearing about how he made his daughter/my little cousin cry when they got to their hotel the night before, because he was so drunk already at like 6pm. Both of his kids ended up staying with us longer after the funeral, because they simply couldn’t endure a 3 hour drive back home with him after all that.
Speaking from experience, your family will need YOU during this time, and not the effects of drinking. They and your sister deserve it. You can do it!!!! Again, my condolences.
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Thanks citrus Rayna and less gravity . You are all very kind and thoughtful to respond.
thanks midnight for asking.
sorry I am on my phone. We came to the hotel yesterday. I was very ill yesterday morning with migraine so had an awful day travelling. Bit survived an evening at a meal in the hotel no thoughts of or desire to drink.
today we have a full day planned and I have no desire or thoughts to drink. Quite the opposite. I will do this sober. I do not drink.
thanks midnight for asking.
sorry I am on my phone. We came to the hotel yesterday. I was very ill yesterday morning with migraine so had an awful day travelling. Bit survived an evening at a meal in the hotel no thoughts of or desire to drink.
today we have a full day planned and I have no desire or thoughts to drink. Quite the opposite. I will do this sober. I do not drink.
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Hello. Just an update the fuberal was today. It's 5.30 pm here now. It was a beautiful service . Then we went for the funeral breakfast. I had water coffee and food. I drove my elderly aunt and mother home. A couple of fleeting moments of wanting a glass of wine but they went quickly. I don't drink. It's all over now. Thank you for all your support.
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