Has it come to this?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Uk
Posts: 564
Originally Posted by Hopingwishing 
Drinking a bottle of wine in the morning because I feel ashamed of myself.
What has happened to me? Will I ever feel good again? How do I do this? How do I even start?
Been lurking on here for a while. You guys are my inspiration.
What has happened to me? Will I ever feel good again? How do I do this? How do I even start?
Been lurking on here for a while. You guys are my inspiration.
Heyyyy I'm just wondering how you are 😀
And to remind you your not alone 🙏💖
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Uk
Posts: 564
Originally Posted by Hopingwishing
Trying to sleep and rest up, hoping the anxiety will go. It just won't. I am so scared of everything at the moment. Scared I will have ruined my prospects at work by calling in sick..again.
A big trigger for me is travelling for work. I had meetings in London earlier this week and it was on the train back that I decided to get some drinks. How stupid. I can't ever just have a couple. I drink to blackout, lose my purse or phone, have to get one of my family to pick me up from the train station. The next day I spend with the fear, cringing reading the rubbish I have texted people, worrying who knows that I was just drunk. I can't keep living like this, hating this big dark secret that I've hidden away from everyone: I'm an alcoholic. And it feels like I'm a failure because of that fact.
I know that this is a rather rant-y message but I just need to get this out of my head. Everything feels so hard and I'm so scared I can't sort myself out. But enough is enough.
A big trigger for me is travelling for work. I had meetings in London earlier this week and it was on the train back that I decided to get some drinks. How stupid. I can't ever just have a couple. I drink to blackout, lose my purse or phone, have to get one of my family to pick me up from the train station. The next day I spend with the fear, cringing reading the rubbish I have texted people, worrying who knows that I was just drunk. I can't keep living like this, hating this big dark secret that I've hidden away from everyone: I'm an alcoholic. And it feels like I'm a failure because of that fact.
I know that this is a rather rant-y message but I just need to get this out of my head. Everything feels so hard and I'm so scared I can't sort myself out. But enough is enough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 218
Thanks yinzer, thomas, biminiblue and Doris. It means a lot to actually hear that someone else thinks I can do it and that I'm not alone. I guess I'm about 28 hours without a drink and the anxiety is still bad. Trying to sleep but making no progress on that front. Just tossing, turning, reading posts on here obsessively.
I'm really tempted to go and get more wine so I can sleep but that's a laughable suggestion from my silly brain. I can't envisage having to go through this again so I'm just riding the craving wave.
Will it get better? Will I ever be able to trust myself again? I've got a trip next week half way round the world to see one of my best friends. I've told her about my current relationship with alcohol and that it's off the table. Feeling a lot more relieved that I've let the cat out of the bag so to speak. But that flight on my own is going to be tough. I'm planning to stick close to here when I can and to just get an easy book to read on the plane.
Everything feels so hard at the moment. When did you notice the sharpness of the anxiety subsiding?
I'm really tempted to go and get more wine so I can sleep but that's a laughable suggestion from my silly brain. I can't envisage having to go through this again so I'm just riding the craving wave.
Will it get better? Will I ever be able to trust myself again? I've got a trip next week half way round the world to see one of my best friends. I've told her about my current relationship with alcohol and that it's off the table. Feeling a lot more relieved that I've let the cat out of the bag so to speak. But that flight on my own is going to be tough. I'm planning to stick close to here when I can and to just get an easy book to read on the plane.
Everything feels so hard at the moment. When did you notice the sharpness of the anxiety subsiding?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Uk
Posts: 564
Originally Posted by Hopingwishing
Thanks yinzer, thomas, biminiblue and Doris. It means a lot to actually hear that someone else thinks I can do it and that I'm not alone. I guess I'm about 28 hours without a drink and the anxiety is still bad. Trying to sleep but making no progress on that front. Just tossing, turning, reading posts on here obsessively.
I'm really tempted to go and get more wine so I can sleep but that's a laughable suggestion from my silly brain. I can't envisage having to go through this again so I'm just riding the craving wave.
Will it get better? Will I ever be able to trust myself again? I've got a trip next week half way round the world to see one of my best friends. I've told her about my current relationship with alcohol and that it's off the table. Feeling a lot more relieved that I've let the cat out of the bag so to speak. But that flight on my own is going to be tough. I'm planning to stick close to here when I can and to just get an easy book to read on the plane.
Everything feels so hard at the moment. When did you notice the sharpness of the anxiety subsiding?
I'm really tempted to go and get more wine so I can sleep but that's a laughable suggestion from my silly brain. I can't envisage having to go through this again so I'm just riding the craving wave.
Will it get better? Will I ever be able to trust myself again? I've got a trip next week half way round the world to see one of my best friends. I've told her about my current relationship with alcohol and that it's off the table. Feeling a lot more relieved that I've let the cat out of the bag so to speak. But that flight on my own is going to be tough. I'm planning to stick close to here when I can and to just get an easy book to read on the plane.
Everything feels so hard at the moment. When did you notice the sharpness of the anxiety subsiding?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,060
Try not to focus on your anxiety Hope, not easy when it is raging I know. It does pass.
As for buying wine to sleep - really? Think how you will feel when you wake up after about 4 hours alcohol induced sleep only to find your back at square one.
Your doing great, hang in there.
As for buying wine to sleep - really? Think how you will feel when you wake up after about 4 hours alcohol induced sleep only to find your back at square one.
Your doing great, hang in there.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,809
I had terrible anxiety for a couple of weeks after I stopped, but it got better after that, and really, pretty much went away. So did the depression. For me, alcohol actually CAUSED a lot of my anxiety and depression. If it didn't cause it chemically (and I'm convinced most of it was chemical), it caused it by way of my behaviors not being in line with who I really am.
It will get better. Promise.
One thing for me that was hard at the beginning was convincing myself I was WORTHY of being sober and having a better life. I had made such a mess of things and hated myself so much that it was a foreign concept to me to feel like I even deserved to have a better life. I had to be convinced. I went to AA, went to outpatient treatment, and listened and tried to believe that I was not a bad person, and that I could have a better life and eventually stop feeling so much shame. And guess what? 4 years later, the shame is mostly gone. I still have some regrets, sure. But I don't let it rule my life. I am not my mistakes.
It will get better. Promise.
One thing for me that was hard at the beginning was convincing myself I was WORTHY of being sober and having a better life. I had made such a mess of things and hated myself so much that it was a foreign concept to me to feel like I even deserved to have a better life. I had to be convinced. I went to AA, went to outpatient treatment, and listened and tried to believe that I was not a bad person, and that I could have a better life and eventually stop feeling so much shame. And guess what? 4 years later, the shame is mostly gone. I still have some regrets, sure. But I don't let it rule my life. I am not my mistakes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
Yes being worthy of sobriety is a big one....and surprise, surprise, alcohol makes that worse as well. The withdrawal often accompanies depression and which triggers things like worthlessness. I mean it literally has you thinking that way.
Have you ever had an IT help desk get permission to access your computer and then they walk you through everything on the screen? Sometimes I wish I could do that with people's brains.
Have you ever had an IT help desk get permission to access your computer and then they walk you through everything on the screen? Sometimes I wish I could do that with people's brains.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 218
Great words MLD and WaterOx. I certainly don't feel worthy of anything good in my life today. But I've kept sober today and just heading off to bed so very glad for staying sober. This is so tough. My head is fried!
Your signature words really spoke to me MLD: A few bad chapters does not mean your story is over. This is me starting a new, better chapter.
Your signature words really spoke to me MLD: A few bad chapters does not mean your story is over. This is me starting a new, better chapter.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
When I stopped drinking - 0900, buy 5L of rotgut wine- drink until reach oblivion- repeat.
I NEED daily support- here and meetings.
Also professional support- GO, counsellor.
Prayers and support to you.
I NEED daily support- here and meetings.
Also professional support- GO, counsellor.
Prayers and support to you.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,565
Late to welcome you, but hello hopingwishing. We're so glad you joined us.
Talking things over with those who understand makes all the difference. You can get free & have a great life.
Talking things over with those who understand makes all the difference. You can get free & have a great life.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 780
Things will get better!
Do NOT sit in the bar at the airport. Take a lot of books, podcasts, music. Read these forums at the airport. Don’t drink caffeine on the flight. Maybe melatonin?
You told your friend alcohol is off the table, so stick to that.
You can do it!
Do NOT sit in the bar at the airport. Take a lot of books, podcasts, music. Read these forums at the airport. Don’t drink caffeine on the flight. Maybe melatonin?
You told your friend alcohol is off the table, so stick to that.
You can do it!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,934
I remember drinking a couple of beers with my Egg McMuffin before work to stop the shakes and get on with my workday.
That was near the end of my drinking career and fortunately I was able to stop before I started losing things.
I’ve been sober almost 9 years now, you can do it too. Becoming a daily, active participant on this website is a good start.
That was near the end of my drinking career and fortunately I was able to stop before I started losing things.
I’ve been sober almost 9 years now, you can do it too. Becoming a daily, active participant on this website is a good start.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 218
Originally Posted by Dee74
It can be for a while - but ride it out Hopingwishing - it gets better
D
D
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
I am almost 48 hours sober. No sleep and very anxious. Sense of doom and hopelessness. It's dark and freezing out. I am alone all the time, unemployed, just miserable. I spend my money on booze so here I am sober with stale bread and water. Hate this so much
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
The answer is yes. Yes you will feel good again. Do whatever it takes to beat this debilitating addiction. Throw yourself into recovery. I have been where you are. Drinking wine in the morning. Hating myself. I wanted to die every single day. I am 9 months sober now with the help of SR and AA. I don't feel like that anymore.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 2,583
Originally Posted by Canuck76
I am almost 48 hours sober. No sleep and very anxious. Sense of doom and hopelessness. It's dark and freezing out. I am alone all the time, unemployed, just miserable. I spend my money on booze so here I am sober with stale bread and water. Hate this so much
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