Wife asked if I'd like a glass of wine
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Wife asked if I'd like a glass of wine
It's pretty amazing, the human mind and our ability of willing forgetfulness.
Things have been good but have had a lot on my plate as of late. Been burning the candle at both ends. Working extremely hard on a new career endeavor, lots going on with my kids, some health issues with a very serious back injury. No real rest for the weary. It's definitely been a lot of all work and no play. I brought that up to my wife yesterday after work. She's had a number of social occasions lately that I was somewhat jealous of. A bachelorette weekend, some drinks with friends here and there, dinner and a brunch. I haven't had much release and mindless fun as of late. I get to the gym, have some stuff I've been reading and maybe I watch a little basketball or catch up on Netflix before I fall asleep. Without drinking, if I'm being honest, it hasn't been as easy to catch up with old friends or to make new ones. All that said I haven't had even the slightest thought of consuming any alcohol.
So I was talking about all of that last night with my wife, and she was sympathetic. Sympathetic to the fact that I haven't done anything that can be classified as purely just fun the past many months. So after we had dinner and put the kids to sleep, settling in to watch a movie, she said to me would I ever want to have a glass of wine? Could I just have one with her? Our neighbors had come by earlier and given us a really nice bottle of my favorite red...
It was a suggestion that came from a place of sympathy of a kind. It was almost sweet, so naieve, slightly hopeful. She said it with a knowing in her voice, that of course I couldn't.
I was happy with my response - I didn't get angry at her for the suggestion, I didn't consider it in the moment - No, I said, I can't. And that was that.
It was interesting for me to listen to my AV though. I heard the motherless Beast rumble in its cage - ooooh, it said, you hear that?? Permission! An excuse! We can use this, maybe we can have a drink or two in the future or sooner or...
And just the same I laughed in its face. F that. I don't need permission to mess my life up again.
It was a helpful reminder for me that at its essence my sobriety is just that - mine, and mine alone. Screw off Beast, no one came to save me, I saved myself.
Things have been good but have had a lot on my plate as of late. Been burning the candle at both ends. Working extremely hard on a new career endeavor, lots going on with my kids, some health issues with a very serious back injury. No real rest for the weary. It's definitely been a lot of all work and no play. I brought that up to my wife yesterday after work. She's had a number of social occasions lately that I was somewhat jealous of. A bachelorette weekend, some drinks with friends here and there, dinner and a brunch. I haven't had much release and mindless fun as of late. I get to the gym, have some stuff I've been reading and maybe I watch a little basketball or catch up on Netflix before I fall asleep. Without drinking, if I'm being honest, it hasn't been as easy to catch up with old friends or to make new ones. All that said I haven't had even the slightest thought of consuming any alcohol.
So I was talking about all of that last night with my wife, and she was sympathetic. Sympathetic to the fact that I haven't done anything that can be classified as purely just fun the past many months. So after we had dinner and put the kids to sleep, settling in to watch a movie, she said to me would I ever want to have a glass of wine? Could I just have one with her? Our neighbors had come by earlier and given us a really nice bottle of my favorite red...
It was a suggestion that came from a place of sympathy of a kind. It was almost sweet, so naieve, slightly hopeful. She said it with a knowing in her voice, that of course I couldn't.
I was happy with my response - I didn't get angry at her for the suggestion, I didn't consider it in the moment - No, I said, I can't. And that was that.
It was interesting for me to listen to my AV though. I heard the motherless Beast rumble in its cage - ooooh, it said, you hear that?? Permission! An excuse! We can use this, maybe we can have a drink or two in the future or sooner or...
And just the same I laughed in its face. F that. I don't need permission to mess my life up again.
It was a helpful reminder for me that at its essence my sobriety is just that - mine, and mine alone. Screw off Beast, no one came to save me, I saved myself.
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Hey LG
I do see a theme in your posts. The all work, no play, no outlet theme. That sort of next phase thing moving toward you of not just not drinking, but figuring out the new you that isn't defined by not drinking. That isn't defined by work and family.
I can't say I have the answers as I honestly haven't really figured this out myself. Exercise is great but its not really a true outlet.
I've never made it past 2 years and think this next phase stuff is where I get all tripped up. Who am I outside of my work as a parent, provider, caregiver and person that doesn't drink. I dunno. But I'm pretty sure I need to find out.
I do see a theme in your posts. The all work, no play, no outlet theme. That sort of next phase thing moving toward you of not just not drinking, but figuring out the new you that isn't defined by not drinking. That isn't defined by work and family.
I can't say I have the answers as I honestly haven't really figured this out myself. Exercise is great but its not really a true outlet.
I've never made it past 2 years and think this next phase stuff is where I get all tripped up. Who am I outside of my work as a parent, provider, caregiver and person that doesn't drink. I dunno. But I'm pretty sure I need to find out.
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Originally Posted by Frickaflip233 
Hey LG
I do see a theme in your posts. The all work, no play, no outlet theme. That sort of next phase thing moving toward you of not just not drinking, but figuring out the new you that isn't defined by not drinking. That isn't defined by work and family.
I can't say I have the answers as I honestly haven't really figured this out myself. Exercise is great but its not really a true outlet.
I've never made it past 2 years and think this next phase stuff is where I get all tripped up. Who am I outside of my work as a parent, provider, caregiver and person that doesn't drink. I dunno. But I'm pretty sure I need to find out.
I do see a theme in your posts. The all work, no play, no outlet theme. That sort of next phase thing moving toward you of not just not drinking, but figuring out the new you that isn't defined by not drinking. That isn't defined by work and family.
I can't say I have the answers as I honestly haven't really figured this out myself. Exercise is great but its not really a true outlet.
I've never made it past 2 years and think this next phase stuff is where I get all tripped up. Who am I outside of my work as a parent, provider, caregiver and person that doesn't drink. I dunno. But I'm pretty sure I need to find out.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
Anhedonia
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
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For other uses, see Anhedonia (disambiguation).
Anhedonia
Pronunciation
/ˌænhiˈdoʊniə/ AN-hee-DOH-nee-ə
Specialty Psychiatry
Anhedonia is a diverse array of deficits in hedonic function, including reduced motivation or ability to experience pleasure.[1] While earlier definitions of anhedonia emphasized the inability to experience pleasure, anhedonia is used by researchers to refer to reduced motivation, reduced anticipatory pleasure (wanting), reduced consummatory pleasure (liking), and deficits in reinforcement learning.[2][3][4] In the DSM-V, anhedonia is a component of depressive disorders, substance related disorders, psychotic disorders, and personality disorders, where it is defined by either a reduced ability to experience pleasure, or a diminished interest in engaging in pleasurable activities.[5][6] While the ICD-10 does not explicitly mention anhedonia, the depressive symptom analogous to anhedonia as described in the DSM-V is a loss of interest or pleasure.[7]
I suffer ^^^
Not sure what the answer is, for me, but I fight this on a daily basis. I completely understand (or "over"stand as my cousin would say!)
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Jump to navigationJump to search
For other uses, see Anhedonia (disambiguation).
Anhedonia
Pronunciation
/ˌænhiˈdoʊniə/ AN-hee-DOH-nee-ə
Specialty Psychiatry
Anhedonia is a diverse array of deficits in hedonic function, including reduced motivation or ability to experience pleasure.[1] While earlier definitions of anhedonia emphasized the inability to experience pleasure, anhedonia is used by researchers to refer to reduced motivation, reduced anticipatory pleasure (wanting), reduced consummatory pleasure (liking), and deficits in reinforcement learning.[2][3][4] In the DSM-V, anhedonia is a component of depressive disorders, substance related disorders, psychotic disorders, and personality disorders, where it is defined by either a reduced ability to experience pleasure, or a diminished interest in engaging in pleasurable activities.[5][6] While the ICD-10 does not explicitly mention anhedonia, the depressive symptom analogous to anhedonia as described in the DSM-V is a loss of interest or pleasure.[7]
I suffer ^^^
Not sure what the answer is, for me, but I fight this on a daily basis. I completely understand (or "over"stand as my cousin would say!)
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
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Yes anhedonia sucks. But that's not exactly what I'm experiencing.
For me its purpose. A purpose not defined by something external. And maybe this is the existential stuff that all humans, addict or not, deal with. Duh? Its just I learned to drink through this quest, as opposed to embarking on the quest. And its easy, at least for me, to allow external 'stuff' to be my purpose. A child, a partner, a job, a role (mother, wife, caregiver) a mask of my own design? Expectations that I perceive from society or family that I feel I must fulfill.
As I face a child going off to college the last vestiges of my purpose are evaporating. I may be going to take care of my folks (yay, instant purpose) but that's really just avoiding the inevitable. Eventually I'm going to be left with me. And the whole, what next question?
So it's not lack of pleasure. I have no answers but I'm going to be facing stuff over the next few months for sure.
Of course, I guess defining that internal purpose, pleasure, hobby, connection (and I think much lies in that little experience....connection) happens in conjunction with all that 'externally' defined purpose. But since I hate connecting internally....I tend to put the whole thing off as long as there's enough to distract and define me externally.
But then that builds and frustrates, because its not really about 'me'. And then I lay myself open to the escape of alcohol. Ok, hope that made sense.
For me its purpose. A purpose not defined by something external. And maybe this is the existential stuff that all humans, addict or not, deal with. Duh? Its just I learned to drink through this quest, as opposed to embarking on the quest. And its easy, at least for me, to allow external 'stuff' to be my purpose. A child, a partner, a job, a role (mother, wife, caregiver) a mask of my own design? Expectations that I perceive from society or family that I feel I must fulfill.
As I face a child going off to college the last vestiges of my purpose are evaporating. I may be going to take care of my folks (yay, instant purpose) but that's really just avoiding the inevitable. Eventually I'm going to be left with me. And the whole, what next question?
So it's not lack of pleasure. I have no answers but I'm going to be facing stuff over the next few months for sure.
Of course, I guess defining that internal purpose, pleasure, hobby, connection (and I think much lies in that little experience....connection) happens in conjunction with all that 'externally' defined purpose. But since I hate connecting internally....I tend to put the whole thing off as long as there's enough to distract and define me externally.
But then that builds and frustrates, because its not really about 'me'. And then I lay myself open to the escape of alcohol. Ok, hope that made sense.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi LG,
My husband did that in the beginning as well, but I think he sees how much better it is for me, and everyone that I do not drink at all.
I have found other outlets. I work full time, and have three kids with busy schedules, but I manage to fit in a walk while waiting for a practice to end most days, and that really helps clear my head. Once dinner and homework is done I find some time to either take a bath, read, or binge watch a Netflix series. My husband still drinks, and in the beginning I couldn't be around him at night because it was hard, but with three years of sobriety there is nothing I miss about drinking.
What do you enjoy doing? Can you schedule a little time for whatever it is each day?
My husband did that in the beginning as well, but I think he sees how much better it is for me, and everyone that I do not drink at all.
I have found other outlets. I work full time, and have three kids with busy schedules, but I manage to fit in a walk while waiting for a practice to end most days, and that really helps clear my head. Once dinner and homework is done I find some time to either take a bath, read, or binge watch a Netflix series. My husband still drinks, and in the beginning I couldn't be around him at night because it was hard, but with three years of sobriety there is nothing I miss about drinking.
What do you enjoy doing? Can you schedule a little time for whatever it is each day?
You have taken bqck control and know your weaknesses; that's strength right there.
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Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,912
I guess we all read others’ posts through the lens of our own experience, which is exactly how I read yours...I say this because I am unsure how much of this is projection of my own thoughts but I will say what particularly resonated with me was the lack of an outlet. I regularly feel that my life is a never ending parade of stress. When I drank I didn’t just spend time drinking. I drank through my life. I incorporated it into my daily business with all the Midwestern Protestant work ethic that was instilled in me early on. I did so many of the same things I do now but I was able to dial down the intensity by layering on a thick buzz.
So when I stopped drinking and I saw all these posts about what to do with your time and how to care for yourself, I was like what is this extra time thing of which you speak? That part of my life was unchanged and I live with a very heavy daily drinker who does support the theory of sobriety but wistfully asks if I might ever return to having an occasional drink. Honestly I can’t blame him since we shared so many good times getting loaded together.
I started writing this and I’m not sure where I’m going with it except to say I’m trying to realize that it’s not anyone else’s fault that I’ve built a life that allows a very razor thin amount of down time. I found myself resenting people as I was rushing furiously from meeting to meeting or down to the capitol or whatever. Anyone who looked like they were not in a hurry drew my irritation. It really is only after a full year of sobriety that it has dawned on me, THEY didn’t do this to me. I did. There are some things outside my control like my kids are f-ing intense and I don’t know how to make them stop being f-ing intense and super loud (but also awesome at turns). And I can’t not work. But within those constraints I do have a pretty wide amount of volition.
It sounds like you are working on something with your career. I know you are also an attorney and for me the job is probably my single biggest source of stress/robber of relaxation. I know your post was probably more about the fleeting temptation and moving past it. I guess I just think it’s also about finding some way to experience joy more often. And to have just some breathing room. At least at this point your rational mind knows that doesn’t actually come from booze. I guess a lot of us are working to figure out where else to find it. This rambling post is long enough already I guess the only other thing I would say is that posting and reading in the gratitude list has been a huge source of joyful moments for me.
I am glad you observed the AV rather than listening to it. It’s a ruse. A pitiful attempt at distraction from addict brain. Very glad you caught it for what it is. Hope you can find some other source of down time. It’s got to be out there. At least, I believe it is and I’m going to keep working on my life until I can get there.
So when I stopped drinking and I saw all these posts about what to do with your time and how to care for yourself, I was like what is this extra time thing of which you speak? That part of my life was unchanged and I live with a very heavy daily drinker who does support the theory of sobriety but wistfully asks if I might ever return to having an occasional drink. Honestly I can’t blame him since we shared so many good times getting loaded together.
I started writing this and I’m not sure where I’m going with it except to say I’m trying to realize that it’s not anyone else’s fault that I’ve built a life that allows a very razor thin amount of down time. I found myself resenting people as I was rushing furiously from meeting to meeting or down to the capitol or whatever. Anyone who looked like they were not in a hurry drew my irritation. It really is only after a full year of sobriety that it has dawned on me, THEY didn’t do this to me. I did. There are some things outside my control like my kids are f-ing intense and I don’t know how to make them stop being f-ing intense and super loud (but also awesome at turns). And I can’t not work. But within those constraints I do have a pretty wide amount of volition.
It sounds like you are working on something with your career. I know you are also an attorney and for me the job is probably my single biggest source of stress/robber of relaxation. I know your post was probably more about the fleeting temptation and moving past it. I guess I just think it’s also about finding some way to experience joy more often. And to have just some breathing room. At least at this point your rational mind knows that doesn’t actually come from booze. I guess a lot of us are working to figure out where else to find it. This rambling post is long enough already I guess the only other thing I would say is that posting and reading in the gratitude list has been a huge source of joyful moments for me.
I am glad you observed the AV rather than listening to it. It’s a ruse. A pitiful attempt at distraction from addict brain. Very glad you caught it for what it is. Hope you can find some other source of down time. It’s got to be out there. At least, I believe it is and I’m going to keep working on my life until I can get there.
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Originally Posted by Numblady
I guess we all read others’ posts through the lens of our own experience, which is exactly how I read yours...I say this because I am unsure how much of this is projection of my own thoughts but I will say what particularly resonated with me was the lack of an outlet. I regularly feel that my life is a never ending parade of stress. When I drank I didn’t just spend time drinking. I drank through my life. I incorporated it into my daily business with all the Midwestern Protestant work ethic that was instilled in me early on. I did so many of the same things I do now but I was able to dial down the intensity by layering on a thick buzz.
So when I stopped drinking and I saw all these posts about what to do with your time and how to care for yourself, I was like what is this extra time thing of which you speak? That part of my life was unchanged and I live with a very heavy daily drinker who does support the theory of sobriety but wistfully asks if I might ever return to having an occasional drink. Honestly I can’t blame him since we shared so many good times getting loaded together.
I started writing this and I’m not sure where I’m going with it except to say I’m trying to realize that it’s not anyone else’s fault that I’ve built a life that allows a very razor thin amount of down time. I found myself resenting people as I was rushing furiously from meeting to meeting or down to the capitol or whatever. Anyone who looked like they were not in a hurry drew my irritation. It really is only after a full year of sobriety that it has dawned on me, THEY didn’t do this to me. I did. There are some things outside my control like my kids are f-ing intense and I don’t know how to make them stop being f-ing intense and super loud (but also awesome at turns). And I can’t not work. But within those constraints I do have a pretty wide amount of volition.
It sounds like you are working on something with your career. I know you are also an attorney and for me the job is probably my single biggest source of stress/robber of relaxation. I know your post was probably more about the fleeting temptation and moving past it. I guess I just think it’s also about finding some way to experience joy more often. And to have just some breathing room. At least at this point your rational mind knows that doesn’t actually come from booze. I guess a lot of us are working to figure out where else to find it. This rambling post is long enough already I guess the only other thing I would say is that posting and reading in the gratitude list has been a huge source of joyful moments for me.
I am glad you observed the AV rather than listening to it. It’s a ruse. A pitiful attempt at distraction from addict brain. Very glad you caught it for what it is. Hope you can find some other source of down time. It’s got to be out there. At least, I believe it is and I’m going to keep working on my life until I can get there.
So when I stopped drinking and I saw all these posts about what to do with your time and how to care for yourself, I was like what is this extra time thing of which you speak? That part of my life was unchanged and I live with a very heavy daily drinker who does support the theory of sobriety but wistfully asks if I might ever return to having an occasional drink. Honestly I can’t blame him since we shared so many good times getting loaded together.
I started writing this and I’m not sure where I’m going with it except to say I’m trying to realize that it’s not anyone else’s fault that I’ve built a life that allows a very razor thin amount of down time. I found myself resenting people as I was rushing furiously from meeting to meeting or down to the capitol or whatever. Anyone who looked like they were not in a hurry drew my irritation. It really is only after a full year of sobriety that it has dawned on me, THEY didn’t do this to me. I did. There are some things outside my control like my kids are f-ing intense and I don’t know how to make them stop being f-ing intense and super loud (but also awesome at turns). And I can’t not work. But within those constraints I do have a pretty wide amount of volition.
It sounds like you are working on something with your career. I know you are also an attorney and for me the job is probably my single biggest source of stress/robber of relaxation. I know your post was probably more about the fleeting temptation and moving past it. I guess I just think it’s also about finding some way to experience joy more often. And to have just some breathing room. At least at this point your rational mind knows that doesn’t actually come from booze. I guess a lot of us are working to figure out where else to find it. This rambling post is long enough already I guess the only other thing I would say is that posting and reading in the gratitude list has been a huge source of joyful moments for me.
I am glad you observed the AV rather than listening to it. It’s a ruse. A pitiful attempt at distraction from addict brain. Very glad you caught it for what it is. Hope you can find some other source of down time. It’s got to be out there. At least, I believe it is and I’m going to keep working on my life until I can get there.
I'm lucky to have many interests and hobbies, to live in a major metropolis with endless opportunities to engage with art, sports, movies, food and all that. But the mindless stess-release, the mindless way in which unfunny jokes are funny, strangers are friends etc. I'm sure I will hear from people here that this is all my AV talking, but if I'm honest with myself I miss that instant click off of the incessant thought stream. However I've forsaken that chance and it's never an option again. Facts is facts, as they say.
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I miss it too--that's a big part of the reason I began screwing up and relapsing despite nearly two years sober and being very happy sober over 90% of the time.
I also miss the feeling part as I have anhedonia as well--booze let me let go of my intellectual distance and get earthy and engaged with emotion.
But it isn't worth the price, is it?
I also miss the feeling part as I have anhedonia as well--booze let me let go of my intellectual distance and get earthy and engaged with emotion.
But it isn't worth the price, is it?
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