Chaz22

Hello again! I'm newer at this sobriety thing and have been trying for the past few months while engaged to a wonderful woman. Well unfortunately that resulted in a couple relapses and breaking trust. She's always said call me when you think about drinking. All three times I slipped I never thought of calling her...told her after disregarding her feelings, messing up her trust in me, etc.

I've spent time tonight asking myself why I drank and I why I didn't call her first? My rookie rationale tonight is the following....

1) I underestimated the power of this addiction and never thought it could be this strong...almost powerless until I've researched SR so much today.

2) I also didn't tell her about my craving because I felt I was strong enough to beat it AND I was embarrassed to tell her I was having them and would rather come across as a strong man. I felt disgusted with myself both before and after the craving and relapse. It felt humiliating that something so legal can control my mind that way.

I'm learning many of these choices in regards to slipping up feel more disease like and less about conscious and rationale thinking.

Am I tracking right here? I'd love any feedback and similar stories. I'm home alone and this is all I can think about...

Ghostlight1

Hello and welcome.
I had options before I drank. I could have came here, I could have called AA and I could have known in my addicted brain not to drink.
But I failed time and time again.
I believe alcoholism to be a disease. A chronic, relapsing and progressive disease.
Without help, the alcoholic has little chance of not drinking. Although some manage to stop on their own. I'm not one of them.

Pride got in my way. I thought I could beat it myself. The old suck it up and try again only to fail again.
You're here. There's support here. If you can't call your girlfriend about your craving, maybe you can come here and read the stories of others trying to quit, or those of us who have found sobriety.
Maybe you need the help of this support group or AA. Have you thought of trying AA?
I think it just might earn you more respect from your girlfriend by putting forth the effort to quit not just for yourself, but for her, too.

Glad you're here. Don't let pride get in the way of leaning on us for support, as you're doing now.
We're here to help.

fini

Chaz, i hear you on the control stuff and wanting to come across as a strong person.
took me forever to really accept that strength alone was not the fix. because i was convinced that it was, i kept not planning on anything other than willpower, and kept going back to drinking in a lot of bewilderment.
adding daily engagement with others and “sobriety stuff” was a really helpful change.

Bekindalways

Welcome. I'm glad you found SR.

I've heard Addiction/alcoholism called a disease of choice. That seems about right to me. We don't get to choose that the substance has a huge power over us but we can choose moment by moment actions to get sober and stay sober. The actions we have to choose might not be what we want but they are still possible to choose.

I long time boyfriend of mine became addicted to Meth. I so so wanted to help him but it wasn't my place to do it. The situation needed professionals not a girlfriend. Also he needed to get sober in his own way on his own time not in a way that I wanted/needed. It took me awhile to figure it out.

This is so a fight worth figuring out how to win. I wish you courage, strength and probably most importantly, humility.

Zevin

I never called anyone when I wanted to relapse either, despite having many people in my life who would have been very supportive and helpful.

I think it's because a "few drinks" just sounded...FUN. Our brain blocks out the facts of what will eventually happen---the shame, the embarassment, the hangover, the lies we will tell and etc. etc. etc.
And I wanted that buzz (that turned into a drunk or a blackout) more than anything.
The words "cunning and baffling" are perfect to describe my brain when I wanted to drink.
We have to re-train our minds to remember the HORRIBLE and not glorify the very brief moments of "fun" that drinking brings.

Hevyn

Welcome, Chaz - this is a great place to talk things over. You never have to feel alone - or that you're unique. We're all familiar with the emotions you're experiencing.
I had plenty of people to turn to, but never did. It defies logic. Life is so much better when we're free of it. You can do this.

Snowydelrico

Welcome chaz.
I learned that I could no longer trust my feelings.
Logical Actions are what counted for everything I have now.

I have since learned to live with and enjoy lots of my new sober feelings.


I had to realise even one drink was not possible for me and never do the action of drinking booze.

You can do the same, it’s entirely possible.
You can live a life that you didn’t imagine could be so good.
No more lies
No more let downs
No more misery
No more sneaking ( if you’re not at that point it always sneaks in)
No more planning around the booze
The list goes on and on.

Treat yourself and everyone you know by quitting.
Watch yourself blossom as you put the sober time in.

Good luck

Lonewolf22

I think that is when recovery becomes possible Chaz, when we are hit with reality and we become realistic about what we can and can't do, and understand that takes some responsibility on our behalf. It's seeing clearly where the path of drinking is going to take you (in my personal experience it only leads to a dead-end) and realising what you have abandoned whilst drinking, and what you will gain by staying sober.

Once you are honest with your weaknesses or vulnerabilities you can begin to see what leaves you at risk of drinking and what support or action or attitude you need to help with that.

When I was in rehab I used to get so fed up of people saying 'one day at a time', it used to annoy the crap out of me but they actually have a point. Thinking too far ahead is too much to carry when we are still struggling with sobriety. And half the things we worry about don't even happen and they certainly don't exist right now. So I think being realistic with a drop of optimism is a healthy attitude to have

D122y

Chaz,

When i was a drunk, i thought i was doing great if i drank every other day.

There are folks that believe this actually increases the brain damage.

Sometime I would go several days without drinking, then ramp up, then repeat.

For me, quitting turned out to be the best answer.

I was slowly wasting away. I had hellish times getting well that i pray stay branded in my mind blocking any real desire to ever drink again.

God help me.

Thanks.

Derringer

People say we have a choice and that's true, but the intention behind the choice is what really counts.

Over a 10 year period or so, when I was trying to control it and prove I wasn't alcoholic .... I built a mountain of evidence that I would drink too much, feel physically horrible the next day as well as emotionally wracked with guilt and remorse and that I would get exactly that result 99 times out of 100, but then I would repeat the desperate experiment again and again, because I was convinced that "it WILL be different this time" and so I made that choice on the back of a severely deluded line of reasoning.

If I hadn't been suffering this delusion so badly, my choice would have been different ... but that's where the core of the problem lies .... deluded thinking that resides in my mind and prevents me from making a rational choice so far as alcohol is concerned.

So IMO, you cannot really pin "choice" on alcoholic drinking when

a) the drinker is badly deluded in their ability to make a rational choice concerning drink
b) the drinker is not even faintly aware of ^^ a)

BUT ... eventually that fact has to be faced and it sounds like you are facing up to it now, so keep up the good work

Hawkeye13

I think that when I chose to not ask for support when I was craving was because deep down I wanted to drink more than to be accountable for staying sober.

I had plenty of justification like "staying strong" and "beating it myself" but that was BS and a cover.

Look deep and be honest with yourself because you have to get to the bottom of your own heart and impulses to get sober for good.
All else is illusion.

JustTony

You didn't call her because you didn't want her to stop you drinking.

You wanted to drink.

I'm not hating on you one little bit. I've been there.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Chazz - some insightful comments here

Disease or not, choice or not, I do believe there are things we can do to never drink again.

Reaching out for support before we drink, and making changes in our life to reflect our desire to stay sober are really the two major steps of any recovery plan IMO

hope to see you round

D