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Old 01-22-2019, 06:36 PM
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Possibly back

Hey. I've been drinking again the last couple of weeks. And a lot has gone wrong in that very short space of time. Scarily so (but predictably so). On the plus side an old (now over a year sober) drinking buddy has reached out to me privately via social media speaking of potentially joining her for an AA meeting. I was drunk and an idiot when I read it and basically just said 'Oh so now you wanna help me' or some such rubbish.

I hope the offer may still be available but in the bigger picture I still struggle with maybe if I wasn't so lonely I wouldn't drink like an alcoholic. How can you disprove the theory when, as in my case, you've been single for eight years (I'm 33)? I don't wanna be hosting a self-pity party or whatever but how can I know? Do I drink like an alcoholic because I'm lonely? Am I lonely because I drink like an alcoholic? Or am I just, plain and simple, an alcoholic?

Also sorry for writing under the influence (mildly now, more so when I last posted, a week ago or whenever it was. And sorry for whatever I wrote out of anger then. I think I wrote something out of anger on some thread or other, basically. And my god I'm getting sick of not remembering the things I've done. This past fortnight that has been the theme - two blackouts leading to two weeks of anxiety/shame/embarrassment etc.)
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Old 01-22-2019, 06:44 PM
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It’s good you’ve come back and I hope the support here can help you get sober. I will say it seems like alcoholism is a shape shifter. Lonely? It’s there. Life full of people? It’s there. I don’t think it causes the loneliness but it certainly doesn’t help, particularly with isolation being a major facet of most peoples’ drinking if they are alcoholic. It certainly doesn’t seem like it would hurt to take the booze out of the equation. I can’t say I always feel good now but with a year sober I can say I wallow less and handle more.

I hope you will stay and I hope you will reach out to your friend or maybe just hit a meeting on your own two feet. Rooting for you!
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Old 01-22-2019, 06:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Numblady View Post
Lonely? It’s there. Life full of people? It’s there.
Thanks for this. If I'm truly honest with myself I know it. Wherever my life is I'm gonna wanna drink. And then drink drink drink. But when the chips are down for some reason you don't wanna believe it. And eight years is a long time. I even wrote a novel a couple of years ago (not to sell or anything) hypothesising that real, requited love might get you out of the pit. I just have yet to have had that experience in my life, so I always have this doubt (or - most probably - my AV takes aim and feeds on this doubt).
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Old 01-22-2019, 06:52 PM
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I was lonely when I was drinking. I'm not lonely now that I'm sober. I live with my dog and three cats and no other people, yet I never feel alone. When I was drinking, I always felt alone. It's because I hated myself and didn't like to be alone with myself.

Sober, I like myself just fine and am content with my own company, and the company of my dog and cats. My dad used to tell us; at least, when you're alone, you know you're in good company.
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Old 01-22-2019, 06:55 PM
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Hey Tetrax it can help so much to just put a end to the merry go round and not drink starting today? Can you try? Can you try to replace drinking with a meeting or two and getting out to meet more people? Its easier said than done I get that. I went to my first AA meeting today in years and while its uncomfortable at first, it feels like an achievement. Hoping you can be back here for keeps.
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Old 01-22-2019, 07:11 PM
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I doubt your year plus sober friend cares what you said while drunk. Kind of comes with the territory. I’d say check out a meeting with her!

The nice thing about AA is you won’t be lonely and you won’t have to drink either. I know it seems kind of silly but you’ll probably find out life’s better without the alcohol.
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Old 01-22-2019, 07:31 PM
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Welcome back, Tetrax!

You may be over thinking. While loneliness can be a reason, we all started drinking for different reasons. Regardless, it became a habit, and it’s addiction. I tried to explain my drinking too. But after a while, I kept drinking no matter what my circumstances were.

Can you think of a plan to help you stay sober for good?

Hope to see more of you here.
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Old 01-22-2019, 08:38 PM
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Welcome back Tetrax! I'm so glad you posted. You can get lots of support on this site, and joining the January of 2019 class, and the 25 hour thread would be a great place to start to know other members. That may help you start to feel a little more connected, and also a little less lonely.

Do you have any hobbies? Maybe you can take a class at a local community college, or join a walking/running group. It would help you get to know people and not feel so lonely.
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Old 01-22-2019, 09:13 PM
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I love how I still question the extent of my drinking problem. It's now gone 5am here in the UK and I'm just finishing my second bottle of wine - and still feeling, as I would describe, pretty sober - and basically just wondering why isn't the rest of the world up with me drinking? The fools!

This is insane. I mean, this is INSANE. Now I'm just anxious that obviously it's time for bed and I will try to go to sleep but I've shot myself in the foot by drinking too much. I often try to use wine as a sedative, think I can control it thus. But it often ends up acting as more of a stimulant.

Anyway sorry again to write under the influence, I guess I just hope posts like these will put off Future Me or anyone reading who still drinks, you know, not to even go there.

How do I never learn???
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Old 01-22-2019, 09:31 PM
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Hi Tetrax,

First of all , it's great that you are back on SR. I'm sorry that you have to go through this alone.
But, just remember, even people living with others have to go it alone. Sure they may have a spouse's support , and that helps, but I kept my sobriety a secret for a while and walked the first couple of miles alone. Ultimately the journey is yours, and yours alone.

Also even having a husband and children - I FELT alone.

Someone mentioned that feeling alone while on your own , is because you most probably don't like who you are.

Try and remember how great it felt when you stayed sober for those
6 months. Try and use that as an incentive - you can feel that way again. You can do this, you know you can.

I would reach out to that friend who asked you to join in an AA meeting. Even if you don't like the meeting, it would be great to have someone like her/him to talk to . Take the help being offered. Please.
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Old 01-22-2019, 09:47 PM
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Originally Posted by Tetrax View Post
How do I never learn???
By never trying something different from your 'norm'.

My advice= get some sleep then text your friend back(appologize if needed for being 'short') and attend a meeting with an open mind with her. I'm not an AA'er,nor a religious person,but have been to several meetings(court ordered) and credit AA and here for my sobriety( I had a couple therapy visits in there too). NO ONE ever learns anything new by doing the same damn thing all of the time.
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Old 01-22-2019, 09:58 PM
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I was lonely drunk or sober Tetrax. When I got sober for the last time I made it a priority to spend some time with myself, sober, in my own company and try to get to the bottom of why I hated spending time with myself, and why I looked for external validation from others.

to cut a long story short, I got comfortable with who I was - and that seemed to make all the difference to me socially.

I'm still not a garrulous type of guy - I'm quite shy - but I know who I am and like that person...I have friends and I'm friendly with new people.

I go out as much as I like and I have as much alone time as I like too.

Can I guarantee you'll find the same - well no, tho I expect you will find the same ... but I can guarantee you'll never find a cure for loneliness while drinking. Drinking is the ultimate self absorbed trip.

None of this 'possibly' man - this not picking a new car or a timeshare - it's the shape and nature of your life and future.

Get off the fence and nail your colours to the mast - what have you got to lose? give it 3 months, then you can reconsider.

D
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Old 01-23-2019, 03:39 AM
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Glad you are back.

To put answers to your questions in short form, I had to quit drinking to see what any "why" was that I had used as justification/victimhood/pity/"confusion" - and let go of pursuing that "why" because it would take me back to drinking.

It takes time but this stuff can resolve itself and be aided in getting resolved when we learn to focus on what keeps us sober not why we drank.

I hope you go to AA with or without that friend.
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Old 01-23-2019, 05:43 AM
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Tetrax,
I see two things in your post.

1. Struggling with the, “Am I an alcoholic?” question. I continued to drink for many a year while I pondered this mystery. I had no trouble admitting that my drinking was excessive and problematic, but never quite stepped over that line. I got sober when I realized the answer was irrelevant...my drinking was a problem and that was enough.

2. Thinking the right relationship would save me. I’ve been through divorce and a few nasty breakups that really stung. In my cups I obsessed that if I just found that special someone (or special town, or special whatever) everything else would fall into place. I finally put on my big girl pants, owned my problem, and sat right here in my house and fixed it. I take a lot of pride in that.
An unexpected consequence is that Ihave come to cherish my alone time. I’m good company. If the right relationship comes along,so be it. If not, the peace and contentment I’ve created for myself has many rewards.

Here’s the kicker...it took sustained sobriety, self care, and healing to get to this level of clarity. Best wishes as you choose your path forward.

-bora
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Old 01-23-2019, 06:08 AM
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Try to take things one step at a time. The obvious first step is to stop drinking.

Cool thing? Alcoholics can attend AA meetings...where there are lots of people that will understand you. So you don't ever have to be alone.

My experience is that no external 'thing' (ie a person) can solve my problems. I could be with someone and still be very lonely. That empty feeling is solved first internally. Only then can I healthfully connect with another person.
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Old 01-23-2019, 07:08 AM
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I think loneliness can be a vicious cycle when combined with alcoholism. We drink because we're lonely and because we're drunk, we're not the nicest people to be around, which pushes people away.

I was lonely, too, but I had to learn how to get comfortable with myself. I've always been really shy, but I have small groups of friends who like me for who I am now. I can still be lonely sometimes, but it doesn't drive me to drink.

I suspect you have a good friend who cares about you--why else would they reach out to you?

It sounds like you're looking for a reason that "causes" your drinking. But at this point, maybe the solution is for looking for a way to stop? I still don't know why I drank the way I did, except that I had an addiction to alcohol. Everything is much better now that I've quit.

I suspect the same will be for you, too.

All the best.
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Old 01-23-2019, 07:56 PM
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How are you doing today Tetrax?
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Old 01-24-2019, 06:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Delilah1 View Post
How are you doing today Tetrax?
Hey thanks for asking. I'm going to bed sober for the first time in a couple of weeks
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Old 01-24-2019, 06:53 PM
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Tetrax I drank wine alone every night for twenty years over a breakup. I basically gave up the possibility of connecting with people or a significant other because the only thing I relied on to fulfill my emotional needs was a bottle or two of wine every night. I have only recently completely stopped (24 days) but I feel so much better that even being alone is much better. Also, I'm actually relying on other people via the SR site. The good energy has made such a difference in my life. Give sobriety a try. It is not going to work if you are drinking and posting. Your feelings change when you stop drinking. The first three weeks I cried every day. I thought something was severely wrong with me. But then it stopped and every day I feel chemically more balanced. I still have a lot of work to do to straighten out my life. But you have to make a choice. Is a bottle of wine going to substitute for genuine human connection for the rest of your life? That is the choice that I saw before me.
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