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Weekend away (Stag do)

Old 01-22-2019, 05:57 AM
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Weekend away (Stag do)

I have a weekend away coming up, it's one of my closest friends stag weekends. We are going to Spain in March.

It's going to be a complete drunken weekend of debauchery basically. I don't want to go, even though I know it would be a fun weekend as we don't really see one another as a group much at all anymore, once or twice a year as everyone does their own thing.

However I know that if I go, I will end up relapsing.

I decided to quit in April last year and have done pretty well, although I have relapses periodically, it's never been planned.

My last drink was 23rd December and my plan is to stay sober throughout 2019.

The thing is, my friend knows I have quit drinking, but he knows I have relapsed occasionally too, so he is of the opinion that if I have had a drink so recently, why not just go on his stag do, have a weekend, then quit straight again after.

Obviously, it's not that simple. For me there is a huge difference between a spur of the moment relapse, which is what has happened to me in the past, and actually PLANNING to drink. Which is essentially what I will be doing if I go on this weekend, I will be accepting I will be drinking and that doesn't sit well with me.

I know exactly what will happen, I'll start drinking at the airport. I'll pass out drunk the first night, wake up and start drinking again, drink all the way through till I come home again and likely carry on drinking when I get home.


I haven't actually been overseas since I quit, and I also get bad anxiety when flying etc, which is even more reason for me to drink. I'm still so early in recovery, and this isn't going to be a nice relaxing break where I can easily avoid drinking.

I guess I feel bad that I'll be missing out, and my social life is quiet enough as it is, to then miss out on weekends away is a shame, but I guess it's something I need to do.

I guess, what I'm asking is, there is only one option isn't there? Don't go.
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Old 01-22-2019, 06:13 AM
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Hello Primativo,
IF... you are alcoholic as I am... OF COURSE you KNOW you will drink. You also 'probably' know what will happen when drunk??? That's the problem with extreme (normal) drunkenness, and especially those damn BLACKOUTS. 'Will' you just regret it and start over??? Maybe maim or kill someone ... or make such an ass of yourself you get you and/or your friends in irreversible legal trouble ... or ... ???

Early Sobriety MUST BE PROTECTED. like a newly planted flower that needs to take root. However, in AA, our Big Book tells us that when we are maintaining fit spiritual condition, we can go anywhere, if there is good cause - and a sound motive.

I consider myself to be in the leper class of alcoholics. However, after working the Steps thoroughly, and thru continual pursuit of living this awesome Sober Life, I was able to go an a NASCAR race weekend with a group of guys from our construction office. Bars, continual drinking, strip bars, etc, etc.

I thoroughly enjoyed the entire weekend, was interactive with everyone, and it was a JOY to be the Sober guy. When asked numerous times by the Contractor that was funding the trip if I needed a drink (or other ...) I was confident when I said, "No Thanks, I'm Good".

Could, or 'should' I have done this in early sobriety? NO.

If I can be of any help, please reply,
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous amd FREE ... and I KNOW U can B 2
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Old 01-22-2019, 06:30 AM
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You'll do what you want.

I don't have any big-drinking friends any more. Turns out it was all about drinking with them. Not fun to be around.

I hope you do the right thing.
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Old 01-22-2019, 06:57 AM
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It IS that simple. Don't go. The details really don't matter if you know it's the choice between staying sober and not. What do you REALLY want for 2019?
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Old 01-22-2019, 07:18 AM
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I think that your friend's opinion that you can drink again is irrelevant. You are the person whose opinion matters and you know that you can't drink. Stay home and enjoy your sobriety.
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Old 01-22-2019, 07:45 AM
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I think you are doing the right thing by taking a pass. Good for you on remaining resolute.
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Old 01-22-2019, 07:53 AM
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Sounds to me like your decision is made, it's accepting your changes in life that is difficult. Friends change as we change. There are many friends I don't have anymore because my family and sobriety is more important.

With growth, comes sacrifice. We don't get it both ways. I hope you can find peace with saying No, and being comfortable with that choice.

Good luck.
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Old 01-22-2019, 04:09 PM
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However I know that if I go, I will end up relapsing.
this is the bottomline I think. If you're convinced of this now, this far out, don't go.
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Old 01-22-2019, 07:04 PM
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It would be cool if you could have your own time with your buddy after the debauchery of stag party has ended. Maybe a thing that you two or more of you like to do that requires fun and activity? I dunno sport fishing comes to mind randomly lol or something that you all like that doesn't set off any of those triggers to drink?
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Old 01-22-2019, 07:47 PM
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That’s such a tough decision from an emotional point of view but the choice is pretty clear. You have to do what’s best for you right now. I was invited on a Vegas vacation for a friend’s birthday last weekend and had to turn it down (bring on all the guilt, anger, bargaining, etc). I 100% knew that a vacation to Vegas would lead to relapse and that’s not what I want. Hang in there...and take care of yourself.
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Old 01-22-2019, 07:50 PM
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Think of it as a matter of life or death. Drinking to blackout is like putting a loaded gun to your head, how many times can you pull the trigger and get the empty chamber. Most of us have had our fair share of luck as far as not killing ourselves or others and the nice thing about maintaining sobriety is we quit before that luck ran out.
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Old 01-22-2019, 08:12 PM
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I think not going is definitely the smart move, and it's great that you're thinking ahead. Think how awful you will feel waking up that morning after you started drinking at the airport the day before.

Why don't you plan a lunch or dinner to celebrate your friend's upcoming wedding. I know it's not quite the same.

You've got this!!!
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Old 01-22-2019, 10:17 PM
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Nope. I just would not put myself in that danger. It's the same as considering going into a pool of crocodiles and "hoping" you won't get eaten.

Also, if you go and join in the drinking fun at the stag party, what's going to stop you saying you may as well continue till after the actual wedding? And then some.

I personally wouldn't go. And if your friend is a real friend with your best interest at heart, he would understand completely.
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Old 01-23-2019, 10:37 AM
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I was chatting to my brother in law before Xmas about his stag weekend that happened about 10 years ago, and I was there.

What surprised me was how little of that weekend he remembered, who was on it, the activities we got involved in, it is now resigned to the past, superseded by his marriage to my sister, the birth of my niece and the many other chapters written in his life since that have eclipsed that "social event".

Boil it all down and you're not missing out on anything, as many years from now, most won't remember you weren't there, or the weekend itself, and trust me you'll feel super proud when you look back and see you didn't compromise on your Sobriety!!
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Old 01-23-2019, 04:59 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
this is the bottomline I think. If you're convinced of this now, this far out, don't go.

Yes I know I'll drink if I go. It will be in my face 24/7 for two days.

I'm going to give it a miss.
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Old 01-23-2019, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Ayers View Post
Nope. I just would not put myself in that danger. It's the same as considering going into a pool of crocodiles and "hoping" you won't get eaten.

Also, if you go and join in the drinking fun at the stag party, what's going to stop you saying you may as well continue till after the actual wedding? And then some.

I personally wouldn't go. And if your friend is a real friend with your best interest at heart, he would understand completely.

That is all very true. Just a part of me does think, well I could just have a weekend and then back on the wagon again afterwards. As you say though, if I give in for this, then there are always other events on the horizon where I'll be tempted to give in too.

Also, I'm worried that if I drink again, especially after a long weekend of intense drinking, there's a real possibility I could end up on a binge and not be able to stop. I mean, it's happened before. That scares the life out of me. My last binge I ended up in hospital because I literally couldn't stop drinking. I've relapsed since then and there's been no binges, but I don't want to risk it and I genuinely don't want to drink.

I guess there's like 95% of me not interested at all but like 5% is telling me "you should go, you never see your friends etc etc"

I suppose this isn't unusual in early recovery.
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Old 01-23-2019, 06:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Primativo View Post
That is all very true. Just a part of me does think, well I could just have a weekend and then back on the wagon again afterwards. As you say though, if I give in for this, then there are always other events on the horizon where I'll be tempted to give in too.

Also, I'm worried that if I drink again, especially after a long weekend of intense drinking, there's a real possibility I could end up on a binge and not be able to stop. I mean, it's happened before. That scares the life out of me. My last binge I ended up in hospital because I literally couldn't stop drinking. I've relapsed since then and there's been no binges, but I don't want to risk it and I genuinely don't want to drink.

I guess there's like 95% of me not interested at all but like 5% is telling me "you should go, you never see your friends etc etc"

I suppose this isn't unusual in early recovery.
My last drink and inevitable binge, was somewhat similarly planned, with a lifelong, friend at a sporting event. It was a planned relapse and ended up being the last time I paid the piper. Really it was a brutal end to a brutal run I put myself through. Nothing about making that decision do I respect or would do again. I only postponed the inevitable and suffered as a result - professionally, personally and spiritually.
All that said to the effect of - you'll do what you decide to do. Not going and not relapsing - if you make that decision, you will never regret it.
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Old 01-23-2019, 11:19 PM
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I'm glad to hear you are already thinking of this and have already decided it is best not to go.
I know it is a tough, emotional decision. The part that wants to be there with your friends celebrating this important occasion is strong. But I just want to tell you that it can be done and it will be ok.
Mid April 2016 I got out of rehab. In May of 2016 two of the most important people in my life got married, 2 days apart. My brother and my best friend. I was to be my brother's witness and I was the ONLY friend invited to my best friend's wedding. They had a small ceremony with only immediate family. Obviously before rehab I had been planning on going. Once I got out I really evaluated the situation and knew that it was just too risky for me- the international flight all on my own; two major, emotional events in a short time span; so new in recovery. I didn't go. Everyone understood. My brother is still my brother. He and his new husband even did a special photoshoot with the photographer, holding up pictures of me throughout the day. My best friend is still my best friend. They had a lovely, small ceremony, just what they wanted. I got to FaceTime with her while she was at the salon getting ready, later in the evening we spoke briefly and I spoke to her husband to say congratulations.
They were both understanding, I didn't ruin my sobriety, and I didn't ruin their special days by being there either a. uncomfortable and nervous or b. drunk and out of control.
Life does indeed go on without us!
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Old 02-25-2019, 02:39 AM
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I'm on day 62 at the moment, it's going well.

So I am still on the fence about going. I've booked my tickets and the guy organizing it still thinks I am going. The guy who is getting married knows I may not go so that's not an issue, he knows about my decision to stop drinking, but I'm so torn. On the one hand, I never see this group of people together in one place for a weekend, it just never happens that often at all, so I feel like I'll be missing out hugely. I am thinking about going back to drinking for this weekend only and then stopping again when I get back.

But I don't want to go back to day 1 again, and I know the drinking will make me feel awful, depressed and anxious and there is a chance I end up on a binge after a heavy weekend of drinking, which this will be.

When I've relapsed in the past year, it's been in a controlled environment and I've managed to get back on the sober horse easily enough just after a nights drinking, but a weekend away worries me, as I could easily let the drinking spiral out of control.

I know the sensible thing is just not to go, and it's probably what I will do, I need to text the guy organising it and let him know I will be a last minute cancellation.

Or I could just jump in a taxi on Friday and be there, but everyone will start drinking at the airport at 8am! I'm really struggling to know what to do.

One hand my brain is telling me I can do the best of both worlds, I can drink and go and have fun like everyone else, and then go back to my life as it is right now once I return on Monday, I gym, eat well, exercise, everything is going well, so I'm thinking well I could be one of those people that only drinks at big events a few times a year, then goes back to a sober lifestyle.

But I know if I go, I'll drink, and genuinely I don't want to drink. I don't want to miss out either. Everything has been work work work recently, and the one chance I get to go away with my friends and I will miss out as I don't want to drink. If only I could man up and deal with the hangovers like a normal person I'd be fine, but when I drink the next day I get an overwhelming urge to drink again to feel better, and that's where my problem continues.
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Old 02-25-2019, 03:06 AM
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I have been in similar situations where I've had a few weeks and made a conscious decision to drink for a holiday party Christmas or some other specific events. The problem is there will always be another event which will be a reason to drink.

so if you go and drink then stop chances are you'll do exactly the same thing in 1 2 3 months when x y z happens.

I suppose you have to ask the question do you really want to stop drinking or just have periods of not drinking and then drink again for a while. Tell more you keep drinking the easier it is to do again and again.

you quit for a reason. Do those reasons still exist ?
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