I am a mess
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
I am a mess
Out running errands today. Driving from one to the next flooded with emotions—bad decisions, ruined relationship with the only person to date who loved me for me (cannot be repaired or ever make amends, he moved on and sadly then passed away) —started crying in the middle of store. Left. Crying and have to pick up my toddler son in 30 minutes. What a f*cking mess I am and created. Drinking was my first thought. But I want to stop these thoughts and crying. Came here. Wrote this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Suzie - I'm glad you posted - it helps ease our anxiety to share these thoughts.
I went through the same phase when newly sober. I had a very long list of regrets. It was hard getting over the emotional hurdles - but we do. The pain & self-doubt doesn't last forever. As you heal & adjust to your new, sober life - things won't seem so dismal. Let the feelings flow for now - it's normal. Please be kind & patient with yourself - try not to reflect on the bad old days - look to the new life you have ahead of you.
I went through the same phase when newly sober. I had a very long list of regrets. It was hard getting over the emotional hurdles - but we do. The pain & self-doubt doesn't last forever. As you heal & adjust to your new, sober life - things won't seem so dismal. Let the feelings flow for now - it's normal. Please be kind & patient with yourself - try not to reflect on the bad old days - look to the new life you have ahead of you.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Coming here was a good idea Suzie. And crying is a perfectly OK thing to do...letting it our is much healthier than trying to hold it all in or push it off til later. Drinking would be the absolute worst possible decision you could make now so I'm very glad you decided not to...you can get through this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,408
I don't know if this works for anyone else but when I am going through something like this I try to give myself permission to feel as bad as I want.
I usually find that helps get through it.
edited to add: it should go without saying that I am still responsible for my own feelings, choices, etc etc no matter how hard it may be
I usually find that helps get through it.
edited to add: it should go without saying that I am still responsible for my own feelings, choices, etc etc no matter how hard it may be
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,159
Suzieq17:
One day toward the end of my drinking, I went home and just started to cry without anything setting it off. I was sober at the time, and more than anything, I just needed to cry. In the back of my mind there was this vague sense that I had become a drunk and had made a mess out of my life.
The odd thing is, I'm not a crier. I've done my share of whining from time to time, but never an outright cry over something I couldn't quite put my finger on. It was one of a few things that surprised me in what had become a quickly accelerating downward spiral. One time I fell down in my house. I didn't trip on something. I just fell on the floor and thought to myself, without much fear or emotion, "I've got a problem going on here." Once I drank myself to sleep and woke up at 3:00AM with still a third of a quart bottle of whiskey. I decided to finish off the bottle, and go back to sleep. This was at my bottom, and things were getting weird, sometimes weird enough that I won't bring them up here. I was doing things that I could not understand and made no sense to me.
I fixed it by quitting alcohol. Things are good now. Usually, I compare myself now to my life as a heavy drinker the way most of my alcoholic life was. I'm better now, but you have made me look back at that downward spiral. I usually don't go there. It was a brief period in my life, but it was as close to insanity as I have ever come. It was starting to feel like I was living in a Salvador Dali painting.
Recovering alcoholics often say alcohol would have eventually killed them. I have no way of knowing if it would have killed me, but my first guess in playing out those last days of my drinking is that I would have ended up institutionalized. I get this spooky feeling as I write this, knowing that I'm capable of destroying my life, even though it's the last thing I want. I also know how to stop that from happening, but just knowing that I can actually choose to drink again and let it happen is frightening.
One day toward the end of my drinking, I went home and just started to cry without anything setting it off. I was sober at the time, and more than anything, I just needed to cry. In the back of my mind there was this vague sense that I had become a drunk and had made a mess out of my life.
The odd thing is, I'm not a crier. I've done my share of whining from time to time, but never an outright cry over something I couldn't quite put my finger on. It was one of a few things that surprised me in what had become a quickly accelerating downward spiral. One time I fell down in my house. I didn't trip on something. I just fell on the floor and thought to myself, without much fear or emotion, "I've got a problem going on here." Once I drank myself to sleep and woke up at 3:00AM with still a third of a quart bottle of whiskey. I decided to finish off the bottle, and go back to sleep. This was at my bottom, and things were getting weird, sometimes weird enough that I won't bring them up here. I was doing things that I could not understand and made no sense to me.
I fixed it by quitting alcohol. Things are good now. Usually, I compare myself now to my life as a heavy drinker the way most of my alcoholic life was. I'm better now, but you have made me look back at that downward spiral. I usually don't go there. It was a brief period in my life, but it was as close to insanity as I have ever come. It was starting to feel like I was living in a Salvador Dali painting.
Recovering alcoholics often say alcohol would have eventually killed them. I have no way of knowing if it would have killed me, but my first guess in playing out those last days of my drinking is that I would have ended up institutionalized. I get this spooky feeling as I write this, knowing that I'm capable of destroying my life, even though it's the last thing I want. I also know how to stop that from happening, but just knowing that I can actually choose to drink again and let it happen is frightening.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,278
Great post Driguy. Thanks for sharing. Think many of us can relate.
(((Suzieq)) : It is going to get better. I am sorry you are hurting and dealing with painful emotions, but it is better to deal with them than not to. Actually part of your healing process. It is going to get better. Promise.
(((Suzieq)) : It is going to get better. I am sorry you are hurting and dealing with painful emotions, but it is better to deal with them than not to. Actually part of your healing process. It is going to get better. Promise.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1,535
Support To you Suzie!
Sorry to hear you are having a hard time, but not to drink is part of the solution, so you made a wise choice. I don’t know how long you’ve been sober, but my emotional state improved beyond belief once I had accumulated a bit of sober time. .
We don't mean to hijack your thread, Suzie, but thanks for the shout out Ayers! I am doing my best to avoid the news as much as possible to be honest.
Sorry to hear you are having a hard time, but not to drink is part of the solution, so you made a wise choice. I don’t know how long you’ve been sober, but my emotional state improved beyond belief once I had accumulated a bit of sober time. .
We don't mean to hijack your thread, Suzie, but thanks for the shout out Ayers! I am doing my best to avoid the news as much as possible to be honest
.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Suzie, crying is just fine and can be healing in itself. And, feeling emotional is okay, too. Glennon Doyle says 'You are not a mess. You are a feeling person in a messy world.'
Good job coming here to post rather than turning to alcohol.
Good job coming here to post rather than turning to alcohol.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
Thank you everyone for the support. My crying is still coming and going, and I’m just letting it happen and feeling it, in between doing all my Mom duties. I’d rather just go to bed, close the curtains and cry myself to sleep and pray tomorrow will be better. Sadly that’s not possible. No drinking today. Thankful to SR.
quat
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: terra (mostly)firma
Posts: 4,822
Suzieq
Sorry to hear the day it's been, I've had them and they suck.
Try and breathe .
A lot of what you said that is weighing on you about the consequences of the past are all tied up with drinking SQ , yeah?
Today and forward are going to be with a different, better, and more authentic SQ , the way things worked out in the past are first in the 'past' and second can't/won't come back in the same way , yeah?
You got this, breathe
Grab that toddler kiss'em and breathe, onward and upward , yeah ?
rootin for ya
Sorry to hear the day it's been, I've had them and they suck.
Try and breathe .
A lot of what you said that is weighing on you about the consequences of the past are all tied up with drinking SQ , yeah?
Today and forward are going to be with a different, better, and more authentic SQ
, the way things worked out in the past are first in the 'past' and second can't/won't come back in the same way , yeah?You got this, breathe
Grab that toddler kiss'em and breathe, onward and upward , yeah ?
rootin for ya
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I can appreciate your thoughts, I have felt the same thing. How did I f**k this up so badly. The hardest thing to learn is to deal with crisis without turning to drinking in my opinion. 3+ years sober and things are 100% better than before...yet not perfect. Go figure.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,964
Glad you are coming here, Suzieq! It always helps me too, when I’ve had really bad days like that. It’s been a while. I am lucky, for now. Just know that this too shall pass, like everything does! When the feelings pass and you are back to being in a happy place, just imagine how much stronger and better you will feel about yourself having gotten through this sober
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