A Reach for Help with the - (Original Story and My Final Try to Understand Prior to ‘Checking Out’)
 

Hi fellow posters, I tried to intodice myself in the ‘Into Sticky’ which was closed. So I’ll do it here along with my this inquiry for understanding, advice, and help which would me much appreciated.

I am a 24 year old alcoholic male who has struggled with alcohol for the last 6 years. I have been to detox a few times, the longest I’ve stayed sober was a month in those 6 years.

The rest will be in point form to save time as I seem to go on and on.

-On medications for diff. problems I’ll list some quick in case helps.
Methadone maintenance therapy (was addicted and using hardcore opiates in big doses for a while, haven’t since July 28th, 2013), major depression disorder, PTSD, G.A.D- general anxiety disorder, ADHD, alcoholism (runs in mom’s side of family)

-What made me wanna come here and get advice and inquire about what really happened/ is happening is when my ex girlfriend gave me a few chances to meet up. Of course it was for a drink, I got drunk both times.

-She is the same age, very mature and independent, but also struggles from mental health. I lived with her for a few months and everyday I’d get drunk. She drinks too and would get drunk ocassinally.

-Her mom lives with her and obviously also picked up that I’m an alcoholic as she did. I told her before she had to see it for herself. She still stood by me.

-A lot of arguements and fights with her few close friends which ruined that aspect. Her mom eventually had enough and started to give me the cold shoulder but accepted her daughter loved me as I loved her but this disease ruined so much.

-It got to the point where she had enough, but I was more on the side of being desperate and needy so I ended it before it became worse. 6 days later she asked me for another chance. I didn’t agree at first and wanted to know how her stance on me could change in less than a week.

-She explained (and it made sense), that living together and seeing eachother for almost the entire day minus her few shifts on her part tome job, and sleep- which we did little of... didn’t give us space to miss not see eachother for who we are.

-She asked for a chance and I gave it to her. Bought us tickets to a big event in our city, and she acted like we were together on that “date”. Went in for a kiss after, I hesitated, etc. Eventually I felt the same (the day of) and said told her I loved her and wanted her as long as this didn’t happen again. She agreed and we were happy.

-By this time I was back at my home (this time being before I took her back obviously), and I didn’t move back in with her but we would see eachother once a week at minimum and I would stay over for a few days. She saw me at my worst.

-HERE is where it all changed and how it is now. She started acting way more distant when I took her back. More independent. Made plans with friends, never did before, would cancel our dates on the day of - excuses being her meds, her sick, her mom being sick, etc. THIS is the point where I got more needy and desperate and would tell her to come chill, we had plans, (most times she would, this is because she got the valid point of not cancelling a date the day of a couple hours before. The first time was out of jealousy because I went with a friend of mine that’s a girl to get a manicure lol. She called me during but I couldnt talk, she was upbeat happy for our date that night etc. I called her after and she acted down, all of a sudden her mom was sick.

-She was acting more independent. We would talk on the phone ALMOST every night for A WHILE, this stopped. I brought it up and she said she’s more of a texting person... yet before I broke up with her she’d call and text every hour. We’d talk for hours on the phone. It was obvious she was loosing attraction which led me to act more needy and like the loser I am. Which turned her off more (I guess?) she NEVER said of brought up that fact.

-She EVENTUALLY ended it, I begged and pleaded and looked more desperate. We didn’t talk for a month.

-I messaged her after that month and asked if we could get together. She was hesitant but agreed. I said coffee because booze was the MAIN problem. It led to problems which led to other problems. IT WAS AND IS THE CATALYST. I said let’s get a drink, it’ll be okay. I got drunk both times, I had recorded a video of us and watched it sober. I can SEE why she doesn’t want anything to do with me again. This she said yesterday over the phone. Our get together was Wednesday and was the second one in 2 weeks.

-She said. I gave you a chance. It always ends the same way. I told her I’d respect her space after explaining I’m going to go to detox, gonna fix my life, and respect her space. SHE SAID, “I don’t know. I have to see. I need space.” (She said that after I kept explaining that the sober me and her would be great, and I couldn’t let an opportunity like that be left unknown or it’s haunt me forever. I told her how much I cared and how I know I ****** up etc.

-The call ended with her saying that ^, “I’ll see. I don’t know. I need space and time to find myself and you do to. I have to think about it.” She said that because I told her I was gonna fix my life, get sober and told her to sleep on it and that I’d respect her space. BEFORE that though I made sure SHE KNEW that she wasn’t perfect and she caused problems too. She did cause a few big ones, and I told her that after admitting I ****** up and I should’ve done different. I told her the truth. I had my guard up and it’s down now and I do love her. I was not 100% when we first got close.

-We made out both times we went on our dates or “get together a” to see if I changed. She is very confusing at times so I don’t know if she means that she will think about it or she said it to end the call.

-I have been with my fair share of girls. This one. I told my friends and family if I lost her... I couldn’t go on. Not to be cliche or dramatic.

-A HUGE point and maybe it’ll help the readers is our relationship was exactly like the newest remake of, “A Star is Born”. Minus me being a rockstar. Especially the ending if you know what I mean.

- I can’t live without her after I know there’s a woman like her there, who I had, who loved me, who I love. Who I stopped drinking last night alone for. Today is day 2, and Monday I go into detox followed by rehab. I messed up so bad and that guilt added to the loss, added to me not knowing if she is gonna move on added to all my disorders- I just can’t.

Please guys. Any understanding to this will help. I know I need to get clean and turn my life around for me, but I’m also doing it for her. I just need to understand, get help and advice. I CAN’T lose her.

Welcome,

Sorry for what brings you here. Sounds like a bumpy ride you have been on.

When I refocused my energy into ME and focused on ME I was able to see a lot clearer.
I was able to see toxicity for what it was.
I was able to move on
I was able to recover and start a life for me because without me my life doesn't exist and I am here for a reason far greater than I am aware of, just like you are! Don't cut yourself short. There is so much more life in front of you if you grab SOBRIETY by the horns and do the work, its hard but so worth it.

I wish you the best.

Please remeber you are WORTH it to be the best YOU for YOU

Takes,

Get it out.

Thanks.

Welcome.
Focus on your sobriety and recovery plan.
Everything else will follow.
Be patient.
Do it for you.

Take it easy Takes’

I feel for you. I think you’re doing the right thing regardless of the reason. Go to meetings listen to other alcoholics step-by-step don’t be yourself up this is a journey.

When we are drunk we feel that we know our own mind and then we talk and act.

When we are in early recovery we are partially sober as we flush out toxins and we then THINK we know our own mind and talk and act.

Then we become totally toxin free and believe “that’s it - I now KNOW my real self!” And then we talk and act...

All three ‘people’ and ways of talking, feeling and acting are different. I know that from my own experience. I’m pretty sure that the way we feel, act and talk is even more different if you’re very long term sober (I’ve never got there).

I guess my point is that you should follow your plan. Go into rehab. Come out much cleaner. And THEN see if you feel differently about all that you posted? If not then fine - see where she’s at. If you feel different then - deal with whatever you believe your outlook is then.

In the meantime - rehab is ALL you should focus in on.

Love and Support,

JT

Thanks a lot for the help, was the first reply I read....and it was eye opening like the others.

Like the subconscious? Makes a lot of sense. I’m far from being sober with alcohol although sober has a bigger meaning. I think just because I got sober with a certain drug doesn’t make me sober if I’m struggling with Alcohol.

Thank you all.

Takes, I too lost an amazing woman primarily over my drinking. I firmly believe God put her into my life to show me that love she bore for me, to show me a living example of how I should be conducting my life, and then took her away to get me sober. It sucks. It's painful. I know that for the rest of my life, barring some miracle that I don't see coming, I will look at other women and compare them to her, and find them wanting. I'm having to come to grips with all of that and live in sobriety and healthy recovery. The best form of apology is changed behavior. And I really owe her a debt of apology.

Having said that, I would also add that you can't be sober for her, at least in my opinion. You HAVE to be doing it for you. At least I had to. Good luck, man. I believe things will get better and work out for me the way they are supposed to if I can simply not drink and live with gratitude.