rachiecando

Thanks so much, everybody. I am so encouraged. I've been managing my food addiction since I was a young teenager. I have developed many coping strategies over the years but always I have dealt with all on my own. I had no idea I had such a need to hear these word of encouragement and understanding.

rachiecando

I'm ashamed to admit this and it might just sound totally obvious but I'm just going to put it out there. Not being able (or willing) to binge is making me sad. It's not food itself that I'm missing. I wouldn't say that I'm even all that hungry. Aside from trigger foods, I'm eating normally. It's over-eating that I'm missing. As unhealthy and unethical as it is too waste all of that extra food by gorging myself on it, it's the familiarity and comforting numbness of being completely and utterly full that I'm missing. Somehow quitting this destructive habit feels as if a relative, with whom I've had a close and complicated relationship, has died and I have to figure out how to say Good-bye. Or like I've been wearing the wrong size of shoes all my life and suddenly somebody has handed me a new pair that actually fits me properly and I have to learn how to walk correctly. It's strange. Obviously I'm better off not binge-eating but it's going to take a bit of getting used to.

Gettingcloser

It's almost like being in an abusive relationship where the abuser has you convinced that you can't live without them. The relationship is toxic and unhealthy yet you have been in it so long that it is apart of you.
I think it would really help to talk to a professional. Someone who could explain what is going on with your addiction and put it out in the open.
You have been dealing with this for so long that it feels very familiar to you and it shouldn't. It really is time to break free of this "normalization" of your addiction and break the cycle.
That is why I believe that a professional would be able to help you with this.

rascalwhiteoak

Hi Ranchiecando. There will be a lot of feelings following the loss of a coping mechanism, but every time you successfully move past it, you become a bit stronger.

Reading this post reminds me of how much addicted people have in common, regardless of the addiction. I hope you'll stick with us; SR is a supportive and informative place.

rachiecando

I have a very busy morning. I have been working on an intense project for the last two weeks. It's due tomorrow so I have to put it to bed today. I rush around getting it all in order. I complete the online component and submit it, then I scoot over to the Post Office to express-post the contract and the cheques. By noon I'm all finished. Hands on hips, I blow out a big breath and look around. Suddenly I have nothing left to do for the rest of the day. I have an afternoon off. Guess what I do with my free time?
Ya, that's right...
As so often is the case, the morning, eating-wise has gone well. In fact, it's been a good week so far. I'm feeling healthy and clean. I sit down to eat a well-balanced lunch and then I say to myself, "I've really been on the ball for the past few days. I've got it under control. I think I should celebrate with a bit of dessert today. I mean, you can't deny yourself all the time and I have been working really hard..." (From some of the reading I've done on SR I think this might be what is sometimes referred to as the AV?) It starts with one bowl of vanilla ice cream topped with crunched up salty pretzels and maple syrup. Then another bowl because I'm celebrating and I deserve to relax a bit. And then another bowl because the carton is almost empty anyway. I shouldn't put it back in the freezer like that...and then the guilt and the futility set in. I reach for some cheesy crackers and then some butterscotch pudding cups (which I actually hate because they taste like the plastic they're packaged in but I'm beyond actually tasting anything at this point) and then a bowl of fruit (it doesn't count if it's healthy for you...roll my eyes at myself) and next an entire bag of microwave popcorn and...down the rabbit hole I go...

On the upside, I registered for professional counselling today. It's via email through my husband's work. (I'm comfortable expressing myself through my writing so I think this might be an effective format for me.) Apparently it's a very popular program so I have to wait until next week before I can expect a response but at least I've got the ball rolling. Thanks for the suggestion, GettingCloser.

Mango212

On the upside, I registered for professional counselling today.

This is big. It's a very good, healthy action.

One day at a time.

rachiecando

I've been reading lots of SR posts and I've just had a long conversation with my sister and it has finally dawned on me that this is going to be hard work. Have I been waiting for an easy way? Does some part of me think recovery is like a magic trick that some people just seem to have figured out?
I think I've been looking at this all wrong...like there's some mystery I need to uncover before I can find the path to success.
I have realized that the recurring theme throughout posts from sober members is that you are working hard at your sobriety. You have made a commitment. You are pushing back and standing firm against your addiction.
I see now that I am going to have to get my head in the game.
I am ready to make a plan and make a change.

P.S. "Sobriety" probably isn't the best term to use in my situation but I can't think of a better one.

DontRemember

I would say "sobriety" is the perfect terminology. I'm a little more 'lax' on my recovery from drinking than some,but I can only imagine an eating disorder having the same 'circular thinking/mindset' that those of us who've been addicted to anything have. It is hard work...for a bit,but know that it gets better and easier with time. Time and work is what it took me to get sober. Hang in there.

HankHaloperidol

I've heard this story before, could tell it myself. I've heard alcoholics admit they used a number of places to buy liquor so they would appear normal. There's a liquor store two blocks from my house and I bought all my stuff there, and it was a lot of whiskey, but when it comes to ice cream, I spread those purchases all around the neighborhood.

I've long believed that addicts are wired so that our brains are tricked into thinking that we have actual relationships with our substances.

Zevin

Hmmm, interesting about ice-cream being a trigger for you. Have you had a good medical workup done recently? Maybe your body is lacking a mineral or vitamin that ice-cream (or maple sugar?) provides.
Your husband sounds supportive of you and is probably aware of your struggle with food. I'd ask him not to bring the maple ice-cream home.
Maybe if you could just stop the ice cream....it would break the cycle. I think it's very normal to crave salty food after sweets.
It's VERY interesting the similarities between over eating and other addictions. Thanks so much for sharing and keep posting!

rachiecando

We're in the middle of a major snow storm. The kids haven't been in school since last Friday. My husband is stranded in another town with my step children and I'm home with my 13 year old son, the dog and the cat. Our dog is a very active 2 and a half year old 'Heinz-57'; a mix of Blue Healer, Hound and Australian Sheppard. Usually we walk him twice a day for an hour each time but right now it's very, very cold out. There's a wind chill factor of -29 degrees Celsius. Robbi must go out, though, if we want him to be a well-behaved dog, so I've been bundling up each morning, strapping on my snow-shoes and taking him out onto the trail. He loves it. He spins happy puppy circles in the fluffly white snow. It's up to his shoulders and he bounds along the trail, ears a-flappin'.
My son has just learned to use the snowblower. He's been having fun going out every couple of hours to clear the walk and the driveway. (It probably doesn't need to be done quite that often but it's keeping him busy...)
We've been snuggling up on the couch to watch movies and my son has been playing video games and doing a bit of homework.

I've been trying to relax. I'm trying not to do any work for the next two weeks. It's my off-season. My on-season is a manic run of nine months of often 60 hour work weeks so I try to relax when my off-season comes. It's a bit of a challenge, though. I usually use food to relax. I use it to sedate myself.
It's actually sort of a regular pattern for me to be able to resist binge-eating for about three to four days and then, wammo, I go all in for a few days. As GettingCloser pointed out, this 'normalization' of my addiction has to end.
So here I am on day number five. A crucial day. If I can push on through this day...
Last night I almost caved. I ate two oatmeal raisin cookies and then I closed the container and went downstairs to watch TV. I sat on the couch and pictured that small hill of cookies in the box, a dozen or so left. I envisioned myself eating another and another and another. Usually at that point I would tell myself "Just go ahead and eat them. It's been storming for days. You can't be expected to resist under these conditions! Nobody will notice. You can bake another batch before everybody comes home." But I knew how it would all play out. The cookies would only be the beginning. So I just sat there. I twiddled my thumbs. I squirmed and I sighed and I flipped through the channels. I said a hard 'NO' to that voice of temptation. I thought about all the kind words of support all of you have given me. I thought about all the time my sister has invested offering me a listening ear. I thought about the awful shame and discomfort I would feel in about an hour if I gave in and let it happen again. I decided that the discomfort of being empty and bored and restless was better than the discomfort of being brutally full and sad and discouraged. So I waited it out. Eventually I went to bed.
And now I have arrived at today.

dwtbd

Fantastic
The after binge will always bring the negative consequences, not indulging that desire with its associated feelings( the restlessness, boredom, temptation ect) will not always feel that way.
It ( the beast, desire) will always squirm but You are free to ignore IT and its frustration. Once you have decided the option no longer exists, that healthy rational choices are the only way forward , Its tricks of trying to foist on You Its frustration will be seen as the transparent and pathetic whinings of a once spoiled , now contained, temper tantrum throwing little brat.
Good on ya

Mango212

Envisioning sugar ants, those tiny ants that can swarm on food, has helped me with that!

Two other things that helped were praying and looking for new physicians. I went through several that all taught me something along the way. One that did testing that showed nothing wrong and minimized/trivialized what was going on with me. I learned to turn away from that and reached out to naturopathic doctors. One got me started into a new approach to medical care, two others really helped in body-balancing.

One day at a time. Awareness is a great part of recovery.