Lonewolf22

So I haven't been on here lately. I just knew I wasn't capable of stopping drinking. I had kind of given into it hoping I would get sick of it. Well today I feel I am at that stage of feeling fed up of it.

Tonight is first night I haven't went to shop for beers since my last withdrawal, a few weeks ago. So hopefully tomorrow will be a sober day for me.

I'm certainly not feel positive today not great about myself. I feel strangely kind of humbled today. I've had that inverted realisation of thinking ****, all this time I have been so accusatory and bitter towards people and now I'm thinking I've been a terrible human being all along. I haven't shown any qualities of a decent person.

I think at this moment in time being honest with myself is more important than being positive about myself. I'm scared. I'm worried that I can't be the person I want to be.
I think there is a possibility I could become homeless over the next couple of months. Some bills, debt and rent have popped up. Some unexpectedly and others unexpectedly. I need to deal with these and hopefully get the advice I need.

I missed my appointment today for an assessment for benefits. So along with debt and bills, I might not have anything to live on. Strangely, this doesn't worry me as much as worrying about whether I can ever be happy and decent. I just know drinking only leads me down one road and it doesn't resolve anything.

Marsalie

Lonewolf, I'm sending you a hug. Wish I could give a real one because I know words aren't as good.

I too am in financial straights, and what's worse is if I don't get my **** together, not only will I end up homeless, but so will my mom who depends on me financially. I figure I've got another 3-4 months of daily drinking to go from successful to shelter, and that's not an exaggeration. The only reason I'm telling you this is so you know you're not alone and someone understands that horrible feeling of debt.

Drinking is directly related. Something I'm already gaining in just a lousy four days of not drinking is that feeling of helplessness is going away. I'm becoming motivated to figure this out.

Weirdly enough, as my energy is returning, so is the random idea of "just one more fun night before I hang it up" and I'm using every tool I've found so far to tell it to go to hell. I'm finding out the urges rise, almost to a roar, but then they..go away.

I truly believe you can be happy and decent, and so can I. But we've got to quit drinking, for real, for good. If I have that "one more night" who knows how long it'll take to get quit again? Or what the consequences might be. Please keep trying.

least

I hope this can be the time you achieve lasting sobriety.

Lonewolf22

Thank you Marsalie, I am really grateful for your message. Kind of emotional at the moment so got a lump in my throat reading it.
Yep, I'm trying to keep things simple too. I am apprehensive about having them tempting thoughts as you do. I also keep thinking 'what on earth am I going to do with my life?' I just can't think like that. I bring my focus into closer proximity to what is practical for me. I haven't even got the energy to be positive at the moment. I know that is going to take effort and support.
So at the moment I'm just thinking, forget whether I'm happy or not now, deal with the drink, the debts and basic self care.

Great to hear you are doing well. And again thank you for the message it gave me some strength

Lonewolf22

Thank you least I'm hoping so too.

Wastinglife

Hi Lonewolf. I was going through withdrawal the same time as you a couple weeks ago. I posted on your thread. I stuck with it but am still feeling miserable on day 14. Sleep is inconsistent and I have been quite depressed. I hate everything about my life right now but the recent death of my alcoholic mother has given me the resolve not to drink. I will probably jump off a bridge if I continue drinking because my mental health is in serious decline.

Don't give up yet. Try again before you are homeless (which is probably my fate in the not too distant future).

Lonewolf22

Hi wasting life. I'm really glad you aren't drinking because as commonly as it is said, drinking just makes it all worse.
I was getting to a point over the last few days where I was drinking and not even getting drunk. I was drinking slowly because my stomach has been so bloated and gassy that it hurt to drink. I began considering to buy spirits just so I could drink with out getting more bloated.

I feel in a similar state of mind to you and I'm worried about how I am going to deal with that once I'm sober. Now that this accumulation of debt and bills has raised it s ugly head, it will be difficult to afford to get the help I was planning on drinking. I am going to give this a good go though.

How come you may be homeless in the near future?

noaddedsugar

Hopefully it won't get to that point for you. Can you go to citizens advice for help? Were you just not well enough to go to your benefits assessment? My Mum who's agoraphobic missed one and they stopped her money completely.. it was rough. Focusing on your future and coming up with a plan to quit drinking is a good start.

My drinking was getting me into quite a bit of debt and I'd never been in debt in my life. Hardly surprising when I would think nothing of spending over a tenner a day on vodka, sometimes 15 and ridiculous amounts if I went out (not that I went out much, all of my drinking was mostly done alone in the house) The more I worried about my money problems, the more I drank to forget the worry.. not logical in the slighest.

Luckily I came into some money and put it straight into a savings account. Fingers crossed things will turn around for you.

Hemispheres

Just read your heading post Lonewolf22
Withdrawels are terrible, Had them over last 12 months worst ive ever had BUT whats openend my eyes tonight is reading ...... I'm scared. I'm worried that I can't be the person I want to be.....!!! Thats me to....!! but watch touches my heart and makes me feel so so lucky is reading about your benifits?. I was morgage free at the ov age 44( im 48 now )and i have everything , Im a TOP Class poultry breeder and judge over 25 years ) have 3 cars , Married only last august and NO Dets at all and in work. Makes me feel so LUCKY i am. But in one way im in the same boat with alcohol. 30 years now Kestral super controlled my life, Last night wet the bed again . Just never no what each day brings when wake up in the morning, 1 day arrested and another day can be lying on a hospital bed or on a street corner drunk, Best hope is that ive gone to work, tonight im on here :-) Wish you luck my Friend

Lonewolf22

Thank you noaddedsugar
Well I woke up feeling really rough this morning before my appointment. My appointment was at 8:55 am. It takes about an hour to get there from where I live (not including changing bus). I had 15 quid left in my pocket and was feeling super anxious. So I was sipping (and downing) some cans deliberating what I was going to do. I eventually decided to get the bus there regardless and felt a bit better after 2 or 3 cans. And unbelievably as I went out to walk towards the bus stop, the bus was pulling away! I thought bloody typical that is!
I haven't even got a phone (lost it when drinking) so wasn't able to inform them. So a woman who provides support for people on benefits, well I emailed her and supposedly they are going to call them tomorrow.

I was working with CAB and they are partly to blame for my current debt. But nevermind, need to start taking things into my own hands.

How is your recovery going?

Hevyn

Lonewolf, I'm so thankful you decided to try again. You sound disgusted, & that's how I was just before quitting for good. I knew in my heart I couldn't continue on the way I was. You can get free. Glad you are here!

Lonewolf22

I think the difficulty with unemployment (and in my case, mental health) is that it is, or feels like, a constant struggle. It for me often feels like trying to climb a wall of ivy. When it comes to drink though, you haven't the money to sustain it. So in a way, that is or can be a positive which you don't have if you have everything in place. I sometimes think God it is good job I don't have plenty of money or I'd find so many reasons as to drink and relish the fact I can afford it. So yeah, it is not easy either way.

Happy to hear you are making some steps anyway. It is horribly discouraging when everything seems futile and pointless. I hope you find some reason that will make it easier for you to improve your situation. Though it isn't easy when so used using it as a means of getting through the day. I'm just thinking to myself get through these few days and clear my head. And then deal with the urges when I come to it. Don't even want to think of that now!

All the best to you too buddy!

noaddedsugar

Oh that is so typical that you actually decided to go as well! I really don't think enough support is provided for anxiety sufferers that are on benefits to still be expected to attend allsorts of appointments. Wish they were more understanding. I was out of work for a while due to anxiety but I didn't even go down the road of applying for disability or whatever it is these days cos I knew I'd be worse off due to how strict they are. So I'd go to the job centre every 2 weeks with a list of made up jobs I'd applied for haha.

It's going great thankyou for asking only 2 weeks in but feeling pretty positive.. Longest time I've been sober in 3 years!

Lonewolf22

Thank Hevelyn disgusted is more than appropriate description of how I feel, about myself, and the way my life has turned out, and the drinking. It's just one big 'aaaaaarrrrrrgggghh (followed by lots of swear words lol)'

It's funny you know you hear people tell you countless times it's not worth it, and yet sometimes we can't really hear it until we really feel it ourselves. I've made that mistake again. If I didn't pick up a drink in december/ or early January when people on here were saying not to I probably wouldn't be in as bad a situation as I am now. But maybe that is sometimes what it takes.

Lonewolf22

Ah, so pleased you are on your second week noaddedsugar. I read through your threads and noticed that you had been back and forth with sobriety. So chuffed to hear that

Well the guy from CAB told me he was taking me to the assessment, and on Friday he then tells me he isn't available on that day. So as you do with drink, I just sunk my head in to getting drunk and didn't consider how long it would take to get there and how little time I had to get a bus until early hours of the morning.

I just have to deal the cards that will be dealt. It is all I can do really, and keep off the drink

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back lonewolf

I'd at least phone the benefits people tomorrow - you may feel apathetic about it now but any stress you have nip in the bud right now is a good thing to do.

D

WaterOx

Well for what it’s worth, you struck me as a very nice person in chat

That terrible drop in self esteem goes with the territory in alcohol withdrawl. It usually hits me like a ton of bricks within the first week and subsides within a day or so.

Lonewolf22

Thank you Dee yes hoping to resolve most things over the coming weeks as much as I can to avoid anything too drastic happening. I haven't got a phone I lost it. Waiting for an advisor to get back to me via email. I was told they would be phoned this morning but heard absolutely nothing back. Once I get back on my feet I am going to try my best to keep on top of these things because relying on others has put me in a lot of unnecessary difficulty the past few weeks.

Lonewolf22

Yeah, when I was trying to sleep last night. I kept getting sudden panics about death and I kept jumping up to shake it off.
Today the usual regrets, shame and self-disgust have popped up but I've done quite well to keep it at bay by distracting myself and just keeping focus. I

Thank you for saying that waterOx