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Old 01-13-2019, 02:23 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Mourning friendships


This weekend, most of our (husband and I) friends are in Vegas. I just logged into a social media and saw all the pictures of bars, and fun stuff they are out doing. Iím feeling the pangs of jealousy and sadness, that I couldnít go. Most of all, I feel like Iím mourning the friendships. We were the fun couples and families who had BBQs, parties, lake gatherings, mini getaways, all together, all alcohol fueled. The fun obviously ended for me years ago. But moving forward is hard, and letting go of who you presented yourself as when drinking, is hard too. I donít know who I am to these friends anymore.

I have made some amazing genuine friendships these last 4 months. Bonds I didnít know I could have. Just this morning I went to aa, then church with a friend, then spent real quality time with my kids. I wouldnít trade sobriety for anything. But learning and growing in this new life, does have some sadness when learning to let things go. And I donít know, if these friendships are over, but for now they are on hold until I am stronger. Thanks for listening, it feels better to get my feelings out there sometimes.
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Old 01-13-2019, 02:33 PM   #2 (permalink)
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letting go of who you presented yourself as when drinking, is hard too. I donít know who I am to these friends anymore.
Oh yes, I experienced the same feelings. I wasn't the person I had put out there, the person I thought I was. Not at all. So much falls away in recovery and then things are rebuilt differently. It's great that you are making new friends with new activities.
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Old 01-13-2019, 02:40 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Old 01-13-2019, 02:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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I understand. Beginning to see that my sober ambitions are much different.

We grow. Sometimes apart. Sometimes stronger. But always upward...I hope.
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Old 01-13-2019, 04:17 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Kiki, I totally know what you mean. This is another reason why I don’t do social media anymore either. I think that was a separate addiction perhaps and it made me more depressed and fueled my alcohol addiction. People actively engaged on social media only present what they want others to see and what they want to believe about themselves as well. I saw a lot of fake (I like to call it Fakebook now, a lot of hypocrisy, pretend lives, denial, outright lies. Of course, there are honest folks on social media too, but I don’t know how they stand all the phonies and stay active on these sites.

Sorry for the rant. I realize I completely got away from the subject

I distanced myself from some of my friends as well. Some of these friendships have been rebuilt. Some are in the past and will stay there. The ones that didn’t last were not meant to. . These people were negative energy in my life and no good for me.

Some of those friends from the past are more of a mess now than before. They have their own drinking or other addiction problems, job, marital or financial troubles. You’d never know it from social media though!

I went through a lonely phase. But Ive made new friends who are a lot deeper. My life is really different now and so much better.
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Last edited by Fearlessat50; 01-13-2019 at 04:19 PM. Reason: Typos
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Old 01-13-2019, 04:17 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Yes upward, always!
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Old 01-13-2019, 04:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Kiki, I totally know what you mean. This is another reason why I donít do social media anymore either. I think that was a separate addiction perhaps and it made me more depressed and fueled my alcohol addiction. People actively engaged on social media only present what they want others to see and what they want to believe about themselves as well. I saw a lot of fake (I like to call it Fakebook now, a lot of hypocrisy, pretend lives, denial, outright lies. Of course, there are honest folks on social media too, but I donít know how they stand all the phonies and stay active on these sites.

Sorry for the rant. I realize I completely got away from the subject

I distanced myself from some of my friends as well. Some of these friendships have been rebuilt. Some are in the past and will stay there. The ones that didnít last were not meant to. . These people were negative energy in my life and no good for me.

Some of those friends from the past are more of a mess now than before. They have their own drinking or other addiction problems, job, marital or financial troubles. Youíd never know it from social media though!

I went through a lonely phase. But Ive made new friends who are a lot deeper. My life is really different now and so much better.
I agree about social media. It seems to be something that makes me feel mostly bad about my life. Even knowing that things arenít how people present them, there are still the insecure feelings.

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Old 01-13-2019, 04:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hi, Kiki.
My opinion only, and absolutely no judgement.
If alcohol is the glue that cements the gatherings and friendships, or if it is the friendliness lubricant, then really, are they friendships?
Fear of missing out is real, I grant, but I would also consider how the happy BBQ end.
Who fell in the pool, who got in a fight with with his/her spouse because one of them was drinking too much, whose flirtation with a neighbor led to words, etc., etc.
I think of my friends as people with whom I can have authentic conversations, share happy and sad things, and, above all, laugh at my and their craziness.
Alcohol fueled gatherings are not real to me,.
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Old 01-13-2019, 05:52 PM   #9 (permalink)
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It took me a while to get used to the new sober person I was becoming. But today I feel at peace and grateful for my sobriety.
I totally agree - I just sat here and had a bowl of ice cream with my youngest daughter (something that would not have happened if I had wine tonight) and we just talked about her sleep over last night, what her friends did, what is going on in school tomorrow and it was nice, now I will tuck the kids in and say prayers - I am feeling that sense of peace and gratefulness...also disgust that I have wasted so much time.. oh well..
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Old 01-13-2019, 06:22 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi, Kiki.
My opinion only, and absolutely no judgement.
If alcohol is the glue that cements the gatherings and friendships, or if it is the friendliness lubricant, then really, are they friendships?
Fear of missing out is real, I grant, but I would also consider how the happy BBQ end.
Who fell in the pool, who got in a fight with with his/her spouse because one of them was drinking too much, whose flirtation with a neighbor led to words, etc., etc.
I think of my friends as people with whom I can have authentic conversations, share happy and sad things, and, above all, laugh at my and their craziness.
Alcohol fueled gatherings are not real to me,.
maudecat this is so true. I just went through the last few gatherings we all had. And every single time, there was some sort of incident. This is a good reminder to me, of the new happy memories I am making sober. But like anything, it is taking time to get used to my new normal.
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Old 01-14-2019, 07:35 AM   #11 (permalink)
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In my experience, FOMO (fear of missing out) is the last battle in the war with alcohol.
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Old 01-14-2019, 07:45 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Kiki,

I don't miss out. I go everwhere, including Vegas, and have a great time.

It was harder at first and now it is easier.

Many folks disagree with this, but I have made it this far so I figure I can keep going for now.

I was at a show last night. There were just a few people drinking. 95% had nothing in their hand.

As an addict for life, I notice this always. I got a front row seat to what happens to drunks last week. My Dad, who drinks, came to visit.

He stayed for a while so I got to see the effects over time. Since he was vacationing, he claimed to be drinking more than usual.

The bottom line was he would be moody until he got a drink, then he would get happy, then he would get tired. It was the same thing every day. I had to try and balance this instability every day.

It is sad to see. He would drink even with a full belly. I never could do that. Plus, drinking from a bar is expensive...$15 a drink usually. I used to always pre drink. So sad.

Eventually, he started to get sick, either from detox or from a lingering cold that kept on because booze saps the immune system.

I think suffering through anything strengthens and hardens us. It has also made me more patient and tolerant.

I put myself in different situations now that I am no longer hiding behind my addiction. I am in front and dealing with life as it comes.

Hopefully for the better.

Thanks.
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