I Absolutely Cannot Fail This Time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 120
I Absolutely Cannot Fail This Time
I am embarrassingly crawling back after two epically failed attempts to stop drinking. This time though, I am sick. Pretty sure I have a stomach ulcer on top my ridiculously high blood pressure and other ongoing intestinal issues. I feel like total **** most days. I need some mental health treatment as well. My husband ignores my closet alcohol abuse, but I have made some poor choices that detrimentally affected our lives. After losing 2 jobs from not being to keep my **** together, I took one that is lower pay and responsibility that I actually like and am good at. I do not want to stay this low level forever though. I have chronic back problems that have affected my quality of life adding to my already debilitating depression. There are days I honestly do not care if I die. There are days I wish I had enough courage just to be done with it. So I just drink until I pass out and wake up the next morning not even remembering what I watched on TV the night before.
The sneaking around is terrible and I am living one big lie. Not a single person on this planet knows how bad it really is. I just turned 50. I will be dead in 5 years if I do not stop. I know I have to deal with this depression. I HATE the medication though. I have PTSD from some previous trauma I also need to deal with. I cannot do that drunk. It seems like so insurmountable work that I start to have anxiety just thinking about dealing with it. I know that my problems are MUCH deeper than the booze. There are people I keep out of my life who are just waiting for me to have the final fall on my face. I do not want to give them that satisfaction. Happiness is the best revenge.
The first step in my getting better is to just stop drinking. I know that. I want to be happy again. I want to be healthy. I am sick and tired of always being sick and tired. If I have not hit my bottom yet, I am terrified of what that bottom will look like when I get there.
Today is the last day I ever want to wake up with a hangover.
The sneaking around is terrible and I am living one big lie. Not a single person on this planet knows how bad it really is. I just turned 50. I will be dead in 5 years if I do not stop. I know I have to deal with this depression. I HATE the medication though. I have PTSD from some previous trauma I also need to deal with. I cannot do that drunk. It seems like so insurmountable work that I start to have anxiety just thinking about dealing with it. I know that my problems are MUCH deeper than the booze. There are people I keep out of my life who are just waiting for me to have the final fall on my face. I do not want to give them that satisfaction. Happiness is the best revenge.
The first step in my getting better is to just stop drinking. I know that. I want to be happy again. I want to be healthy. I am sick and tired of always being sick and tired. If I have not hit my bottom yet, I am terrified of what that bottom will look like when I get there.
Today is the last day I ever want to wake up with a hangover.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,501
Welcome back, and yes, the first step in getting better is to stop drinking. And, I agree with you that the sneaking around and lying is so horrible.
Many of us have underlying issues that we need to deal with in order to recover. It sounds like you're ready to do that.
Many of us have underlying issues that we need to deal with in order to recover. It sounds like you're ready to do that.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
Yes, the first step is to admit there's a problem. You're already on your way. Start by staying sober and then you can begin to work out the rest.
Do you have a plan for staying sober and healing? What can you try to do differently?
Wishing you the best.
Do you have a plan for staying sober and healing? What can you try to do differently?
Wishing you the best.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2016
Posts: 120
I am seeking medical and psychological help. I have never done that before. I have not been honest with my new doctor, who I really like. I wasn't even honest with my therapist years ago. She saw me for an entire year and I never told her. I had one specialist for my back years ago who I told and he wrote a letter and sent it to my primary care behind my back. I have not been very trusting since then. I have a list of projects to work on and plan on throwing my stress into exercise. I like exercise when I do it. It does help.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,563
Hi Usta - Thank you for the heartfelt post.
I felt just the same way when I found SR after drinking for decades. I knew I was looking death in the eye. I was absolutely saturated with alcohol - completely dependent on it. In the end, I was drinking all day. I had lost everyone's respect & my credibility. I didn't expect to stay here all these years, but my SR family has helped me find the strength & courage to get free. Knowing we're never alone means everything. Your life is about to get so much less chaotic - you can do this.
I felt just the same way when I found SR after drinking for decades. I knew I was looking death in the eye. I was absolutely saturated with alcohol - completely dependent on it. In the end, I was drinking all day. I had lost everyone's respect & my credibility. I didn't expect to stay here all these years, but my SR family has helped me find the strength & courage to get free. Knowing we're never alone means everything. Your life is about to get so much less chaotic - you can do this.
Life is good
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Originally Posted by Ustacallmelola 
I am seeking medical and psychological help. I have never done that before. I have not been honest with my new doctor, who I really like. I wasn't even honest with my therapist years ago. She saw me for an entire year and I never told her. I had one specialist for my back years ago who I told and he wrote a letter and sent it to my primary care behind my back. I have not been very trusting since then. I have a list of projects to work on and plan on throwing my stress into exercise. I like exercise when I do it. It does help.
Happy Monday! I'm glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 453
That's fantastic that you're trying new things. It can get so much better.
I'm about to turn 50 and I can say that because I'm sober and have focused on health, I feel younger and happier than I did 10 years ago when I was drinking. I wish the same for you.
I'm about to turn 50 and I can say that because I'm sober and have focused on health, I feel younger and happier than I did 10 years ago when I was drinking. I wish the same for you.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 97
Hi Ustacallmelola. You can do this. As to your observation that not a single person on this planet knows how bad it really is - unfortunately, so so so many of us know all too well how bad it really is. We have all walked in your shoes. But now you get to be free. You never have to feel terrible and unhealthy again and now you can live your life healthy and clear-headed.
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
My journey is similar. I was 56 and entered a horrible phase of my alcoholism and drug abuse, habits which I'd nurtured for years and kept it JUST together enough to continue living and drinking/using. But at that time it got completely out of control.
Your "ulcer" and other intestinal issues may completely resolve after you've quit drinking for some time, mine did within 2 weeks. About 4 months after quitting I started an intense diet and exercise program and my untreatable high blood pressure responded to mild medication and may well have gone away completely. The mental health issues are practically impossible to deal with either through psychotherapy or medication while you're in active and heavy addiction. Successful treatment can start once the addictive substances are removed. You will also be able to make and maintain successful and fulfilling career choices more effectively when sober.
My journey (now 19 months sober) started with my primary care physician. We tried to get me off of booze through several avenues including a librium taper, and failed. She finally said she would no longer treat me until I'd had a psych consult with the dual diagnosis clinic (addiction and mood disorder). The psychiatrist told me there in no uncertain terms that the only recommended treatment was medical detox followed by at least 30 days of inpatient rehab. I said no way, but after getting home and taking some shots of booze to stop the shaking and sweats and feeling of doom, I surrendered and went in two days later. I followed inpatient therapy with some 12 Step work, outpatient therapy and individual psychotherapy with a therapist who has been in successful recovery for over 15 years.
What's your plan for getting and remaining sober?
I suggest you stop lying to those who can help you. Ultimately there's nothing to be ashamed of. You have a substance abuse problem. Acknowledge and take care of it. Lying to your doctors is doing nothing to help you get sober, and in fact may well be a way for you to keep drinking/using rather than recovering. "Not a single person on the planet knows how bad it is" described myself as well, and many other addicts. It's a horrific burden and that kind of secrecy and shame is a huge barrier to recovery.
Complete and total honesty may be too difficult to deal with, but start with your doctors, and listen to what they have to say as far as treatment goes. You can get out of this, but merely acknowledging how bad it is and wishing you could stop is only the first step, which rarely works unless you actually start on a journey towards a healthy life.
You've admitted to us how bad it is, that's a great start. Take the next step. My sober life is a million times better than my using one, and the only thing that truly stood in my way to getting here was myself, my pride and my lies.
Your "ulcer" and other intestinal issues may completely resolve after you've quit drinking for some time, mine did within 2 weeks. About 4 months after quitting I started an intense diet and exercise program and my untreatable high blood pressure responded to mild medication and may well have gone away completely. The mental health issues are practically impossible to deal with either through psychotherapy or medication while you're in active and heavy addiction. Successful treatment can start once the addictive substances are removed. You will also be able to make and maintain successful and fulfilling career choices more effectively when sober.
My journey (now 19 months sober) started with my primary care physician. We tried to get me off of booze through several avenues including a librium taper, and failed. She finally said she would no longer treat me until I'd had a psych consult with the dual diagnosis clinic (addiction and mood disorder). The psychiatrist told me there in no uncertain terms that the only recommended treatment was medical detox followed by at least 30 days of inpatient rehab. I said no way, but after getting home and taking some shots of booze to stop the shaking and sweats and feeling of doom, I surrendered and went in two days later. I followed inpatient therapy with some 12 Step work, outpatient therapy and individual psychotherapy with a therapist who has been in successful recovery for over 15 years.
What's your plan for getting and remaining sober?
I suggest you stop lying to those who can help you. Ultimately there's nothing to be ashamed of. You have a substance abuse problem. Acknowledge and take care of it. Lying to your doctors is doing nothing to help you get sober, and in fact may well be a way for you to keep drinking/using rather than recovering. "Not a single person on the planet knows how bad it is" described myself as well, and many other addicts. It's a horrific burden and that kind of secrecy and shame is a huge barrier to recovery.
Complete and total honesty may be too difficult to deal with, but start with your doctors, and listen to what they have to say as far as treatment goes. You can get out of this, but merely acknowledging how bad it is and wishing you could stop is only the first step, which rarely works unless you actually start on a journey towards a healthy life.
You've admitted to us how bad it is, that's a great start. Take the next step. My sober life is a million times better than my using one, and the only thing that truly stood in my way to getting here was myself, my pride and my lies.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 241
Your post was so honest, and I relate to it very much. The sneaking, and hiding, and lying were almost as bad as the drinking. And your absolutely right, it all starts with quitting drinking. I thought I had a long long list of mental health, and health concerns to deal with once I sobered up. Turns out drinking was causing every single one of them. Good luck to you, this is a great place to be.
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