So Lost and Depressed
Musician
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: In The Swamp
Posts: 49
So Lost and Depressed
Hello all,
I have not posted in over a month. I relapsed again and again. I get so depressed and i just need to use. I lost the love of my life a month ago.She said i too "Self Destructive" ! We were only together for 4 months, but i knew her for 20 years. I would be drinking everyday and doing coke when i could afford it. She has 2 kids and has had 2 bad marriages. The past husbands were also addicts. I just could not stop.she came to the realizatiion that i was just a drunk. You see, i am still responsible able to maintain a job as a Graphic Designer. Just so much deep seated self-hatred. I never thought i was good enough and wanted to die. I cannot believe i actually connected with this person and now she is forever gone, wanting nothing to do with me. Another thing is that i have a 4 year old from my previous marriage and i feel like i'm screwing up with the partying again. I have tried the meetings , even got a sponser. just nothing works. hand me a bag of coke and that's it. everything is so screwed up. I can try to fake it that i am getting over her, but i am not. I actually had a good friend just tell me how much i screwed up wit her. I really lost a good caring person, a great catch. now, i just have myself and my addiction. I have all of this creative talent, be it music, writing, graphics... nothing works as inspiration, all of my creativity is blocked and feel like a fake, a loser. a person with nothing to offer anyone except pain. god , i sound pathetic. I wish i had more faith in god.. but there is nothing.. this sucks..
I have not posted in over a month. I relapsed again and again. I get so depressed and i just need to use. I lost the love of my life a month ago.She said i too "Self Destructive" ! We were only together for 4 months, but i knew her for 20 years. I would be drinking everyday and doing coke when i could afford it. She has 2 kids and has had 2 bad marriages. The past husbands were also addicts. I just could not stop.she came to the realizatiion that i was just a drunk. You see, i am still responsible able to maintain a job as a Graphic Designer. Just so much deep seated self-hatred. I never thought i was good enough and wanted to die. I cannot believe i actually connected with this person and now she is forever gone, wanting nothing to do with me. Another thing is that i have a 4 year old from my previous marriage and i feel like i'm screwing up with the partying again. I have tried the meetings , even got a sponser. just nothing works. hand me a bag of coke and that's it. everything is so screwed up. I can try to fake it that i am getting over her, but i am not. I actually had a good friend just tell me how much i screwed up wit her. I really lost a good caring person, a great catch. now, i just have myself and my addiction. I have all of this creative talent, be it music, writing, graphics... nothing works as inspiration, all of my creativity is blocked and feel like a fake, a loser. a person with nothing to offer anyone except pain. god , i sound pathetic. I wish i had more faith in god.. but there is nothing.. this sucks..
Swampy, glad ur back! I know how hard it is to break free, hang in there its worth it!
Myself I tried to quit my vises many times, over & over again but it never worked.
And it seemed that everytime i was 'quitting' there was always some kind of 'crisis' going on. Finally fed up! I'd (praying daily) decided to quit 'em one at a time
1st on deck/ Vicoden, over 1yr. gone. #2/ Nicotine, c/t over 8mths. gone. #3/Mr buddyweiser & Mr Jack, 24 days gone. The payoff beats the mild cravings everyday!
God bless
mikee
Myself I tried to quit my vises many times, over & over again but it never worked.
And it seemed that everytime i was 'quitting' there was always some kind of 'crisis' going on. Finally fed up! I'd (praying daily) decided to quit 'em one at a time
1st on deck/ Vicoden, over 1yr. gone. #2/ Nicotine, c/t over 8mths. gone. #3/Mr buddyweiser & Mr Jack, 24 days gone. The payoff beats the mild cravings everyday!
God bless
mikee
Welcome back swampy.
Reading your post, it's pretty obvious that you know what your first problem is: drugs (and alcohol is a drug). Until you are ready to accept this in your heart and surrender, that "one bag of coke", that "one bottle of wine", that "one joint to take the edge off" will always stand in your way of being who you really want to be and finding happiness that lasts longer than the current buzz. Did you really think that a woman who had two unsuccessful marriages with addicts was going to want another long term relationship with a third?
By yourself, you are not a loser, a bad person, or a person with nothing to offer. It takes the drugs to make all of that a reality. If you really want
to be free, you can be free. But you've got to want it more than anything else and you have to act to achieve it every single freakin' day. Guess what? At first, the drugs will always seem easier but every time you take that "easier" way, you take one step further down the path away from where you want to be and you and your addiction remain all alone. Guess what? That's exactly how your addiction wants it to be. You think your addiction wants you to get better?
You don't have to do it all by yourself though. Let other people into your life who know where you are and where you want to be. Let them help you get there. There are no bonus points for doing this thing all by yourself. What was it about going to meetings and getting a sponsor that didn't work for you? The program works. (<--- period) Perhaps your addiction is afraid of that simple fact and is providing you will all kinds of "reasons" why the program just isn't for you. There are other ways over the moutain besides N.A. and A.A., Rational Recovery is one, other people on SR can suggest others.
Reading your post, it's pretty obvious that you know what your first problem is: drugs (and alcohol is a drug). Until you are ready to accept this in your heart and surrender, that "one bag of coke", that "one bottle of wine", that "one joint to take the edge off" will always stand in your way of being who you really want to be and finding happiness that lasts longer than the current buzz. Did you really think that a woman who had two unsuccessful marriages with addicts was going to want another long term relationship with a third?
By yourself, you are not a loser, a bad person, or a person with nothing to offer. It takes the drugs to make all of that a reality. If you really want
to be free, you can be free. But you've got to want it more than anything else and you have to act to achieve it every single freakin' day. Guess what? At first, the drugs will always seem easier but every time you take that "easier" way, you take one step further down the path away from where you want to be and you and your addiction remain all alone. Guess what? That's exactly how your addiction wants it to be. You think your addiction wants you to get better?
You don't have to do it all by yourself though. Let other people into your life who know where you are and where you want to be. Let them help you get there. There are no bonus points for doing this thing all by yourself. What was it about going to meetings and getting a sponsor that didn't work for you? The program works. (<--- period) Perhaps your addiction is afraid of that simple fact and is providing you will all kinds of "reasons" why the program just isn't for you. There are other ways over the moutain besides N.A. and A.A., Rational Recovery is one, other people on SR can suggest others.
Let them all pass all their dirty remarks (One love)
There is one question I'd really love to ask (One heart)
Is there a place for the hopeless sinner
Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own?
Believe me
One love, one heart
Let's get together and feel all right
As it was in the beginning (One love)
So shall it be in the end (One heart)
Alright, "Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right."
"Let's get together and feel all right."
Bob Marley - "One Love"
Jah Bless
There is one question I'd really love to ask (One heart)
Is there a place for the hopeless sinner
Who has hurt all mankind just to save his own?
Believe me
One love, one heart
Let's get together and feel all right
As it was in the beginning (One love)
So shall it be in the end (One heart)
Alright, "Give thanks and praise to the Lord and I will feel all right."
"Let's get together and feel all right."
Bob Marley - "One Love"
You Can Do It - Just Want It
You do sound Beaten by it though dont you - Are YOU??? Cause I AM! Its funny really! How much to we have to loose, to jeopardise before we WAKE UP. Recovery and Life and Wonder are at your doorstep. The handle may seem toO high to reach up to open it - so get a stool to help you. SR, Meetings can be this. You have to really really want it.
I was at where you are, only over a week or so ago. On a pathway to self destruction, self sabboteur extraordinaire!!!! Wish we could get prises for it!
I am a week sober today. I had been going to meetings for over a year and a half, and in truth was there in body only. Deep inside I just refused to accept that I am an alcoholic. Alcoholism or what ever drug, is a physical allergy! Its down to our biochemistries. Simple! Just as if one is allergic to nuts for example! YOU DONT TOUCH THINGS YOU ARE ALLERGIC TOO! Unlike a nut allergy however, there is the physcological side to it. That is why we need help and to stick together and embrace Recovery rather than see it as being restrictive.
You can do it. It is within our own mindsets to change. Each one of us has the choice to say Yes or No to the first drink. Either way, we know if we Use, that the outcome curiously enough is ALWAYS ALWAYS the same!!!!!!!!
Hope you get it sorted and I will be rooting for you Luvs Ama
I was at where you are, only over a week or so ago. On a pathway to self destruction, self sabboteur extraordinaire!!!! Wish we could get prises for it!
I am a week sober today. I had been going to meetings for over a year and a half, and in truth was there in body only. Deep inside I just refused to accept that I am an alcoholic. Alcoholism or what ever drug, is a physical allergy! Its down to our biochemistries. Simple! Just as if one is allergic to nuts for example! YOU DONT TOUCH THINGS YOU ARE ALLERGIC TOO! Unlike a nut allergy however, there is the physcological side to it. That is why we need help and to stick together and embrace Recovery rather than see it as being restrictive.
You can do it. It is within our own mindsets to change. Each one of us has the choice to say Yes or No to the first drink. Either way, we know if we Use, that the outcome curiously enough is ALWAYS ALWAYS the same!!!!!!!!
Hope you get it sorted and I will be rooting for you Luvs Ama
((((Swampy))))
How much do you have to lose before you give up? Hard question, I know, and different for everyone. I had to lose everything important to me, most important was my the marriage to the man I still love. The job, car, house, etc. was nothing compared to that. I am an addict, swampy, and it sounds like you are too. So, how long are you going to stay stuck in this addiction that is out to destroy not only your things, job and relationships, but take your life too?
There is a way out and it's available to you now. Like music says, recovery works for those who want it. May you want it now, swampy. We're all pulling for you, but only you can walk the walk.
hugs,
jojo
How much do you have to lose before you give up? Hard question, I know, and different for everyone. I had to lose everything important to me, most important was my the marriage to the man I still love. The job, car, house, etc. was nothing compared to that. I am an addict, swampy, and it sounds like you are too. So, how long are you going to stay stuck in this addiction that is out to destroy not only your things, job and relationships, but take your life too?
There is a way out and it's available to you now. Like music says, recovery works for those who want it. May you want it now, swampy. We're all pulling for you, but only you can walk the walk.
hugs,
jojo
I know what you're going through Swampy. I've lost everything too - a wife I still love, my home, everything.
This I know: I can never drink again. I cannot do this alone.
We are the only ones that know what we're going through. We can do this together.
I tried doing it on my own and it doesn't work. Even when I wasn't drinking all the same behaviors/problems were there.
I just went to my first AA meeting in a long time last night. It was great. All these people going through the same thing - all there to help each other.
Perhaps try AA again. For me it's the solution. I know that now.
Good luck, my friend.
Richard
This I know: I can never drink again. I cannot do this alone.
We are the only ones that know what we're going through. We can do this together.
I tried doing it on my own and it doesn't work. Even when I wasn't drinking all the same behaviors/problems were there.
I just went to my first AA meeting in a long time last night. It was great. All these people going through the same thing - all there to help each other.
Perhaps try AA again. For me it's the solution. I know that now.
Good luck, my friend.
Richard
live to use, use to live
"only if" , "if this", or just one more time.
in desperations that we seek help.
don't blame yourself for something you're not in control of.
Going through the same stuff. She didn't come home last night,again.
I try to take her pills away, She almost killed me this weekend.
The more I work with her the sicker she got.
I keep going back to the meetings no matter what.
Not leaving five minuts beforel the miracle happens
Took suggestion of focusing on myself
Trying to find my own happiness.
Cried alot becuase I truly love her every much
Took suggestion of writing and doing inventory.
I read chapter one in the basic text
I read chapter 16 in the big book
I can't give what I don't have
Demanding myself to be happy becuase it's last god damn thing I want
to be or do at the moment.
excercise helps.
need to clean my apt, do laundry, wash my car, go to work.
pay my bills, go shoping, work on my r/c plane, ect
hang out with friends that don't use or give me advice
or tell me how much of a bitch she is
or how much of a f-up I am for loving her.
I know it's f-up, belive me.
I pray like hell.
I don't know, don't care, don't belive.
I don't know wtf to do about it and can't do anything about it.
"only if" , "if this", or just one more time.
in desperations that we seek help.
don't blame yourself for something you're not in control of.
Going through the same stuff. She didn't come home last night,again.
I try to take her pills away, She almost killed me this weekend.
The more I work with her the sicker she got.
I keep going back to the meetings no matter what.
Not leaving five minuts beforel the miracle happens
Took suggestion of focusing on myself
Trying to find my own happiness.
Cried alot becuase I truly love her every much
Took suggestion of writing and doing inventory.
I read chapter one in the basic text
I read chapter 16 in the big book
I can't give what I don't have
Demanding myself to be happy becuase it's last god damn thing I want
to be or do at the moment.
excercise helps.
need to clean my apt, do laundry, wash my car, go to work.
pay my bills, go shoping, work on my r/c plane, ect
hang out with friends that don't use or give me advice
or tell me how much of a bitch she is
or how much of a f-up I am for loving her.
I know it's f-up, belive me.
I pray like hell.
I don't know, don't care, don't belive.
I don't know wtf to do about it and can't do anything about it.
Swampy you can do this man. Orlando is awesome for recovery. I attend an NA group in Longwood called SWOI(still working on it) and we are a real tight group. They have meetings twice a day and 3 on Friday. Everyone I've met has been so supportive and it's really refreshing to be able to have friends who are just like you, trying to get clean. Feel free to come check it out man, we had 3 new people come in today, it was awesome
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Burlington, VT
Posts: 25
Believe me I hear ya.
All I can say is hang in there. Couple weeks ago I was getting drunk with a 30-40 krag pointed at my head every night, and look at me now! Er, well, not much to look at but things do get better. You know what man? Life is a bucket full of crap, but we need to get by that and realize that even though alot of stuff stinks, the little things that don't are really worth living for. The kiss of a loving(hot) woman hell petting a wonderful dog, watching a nice sunset, well, ain't gonna get that if you are dead man.
Biggest thing you can do to make yourself feel good, is show others how badass you are. No one gives a crap about a loney, sad, drunk. People love strength and stuff, so let's be strong! No one likes weakness, believe me I know.
Mill
All I can say is hang in there. Couple weeks ago I was getting drunk with a 30-40 krag pointed at my head every night, and look at me now! Er, well, not much to look at but things do get better. You know what man? Life is a bucket full of crap, but we need to get by that and realize that even though alot of stuff stinks, the little things that don't are really worth living for. The kiss of a loving(hot) woman hell petting a wonderful dog, watching a nice sunset, well, ain't gonna get that if you are dead man.
Biggest thing you can do to make yourself feel good, is show others how badass you are. No one gives a crap about a loney, sad, drunk. People love strength and stuff, so let's be strong! No one likes weakness, believe me I know.
Mill
You've just been extended a hand from someone in your area who understands, grab on to it and follow. I had to fake it till I made it the first couple of months too, if your truly ready to find yourself, open those creative talents, doing nothing isn't going to get you anywhere, and if ready, your miracle can start to.
...hand me a bag of coke and that's it...
Believe me, I know its hard. When I got paid last week I had my phone in my hand, dying to make the call. Then I started yelling (literrally) at myself for thinking that way, and started thinking of other things I should or could spend that amount on.
I think having it around you is like not intending on actually quitting, just laying off of it till you don't feel guilty doing it IMO
I hope you got through Saturday. Thats all you've gotta do, get through it JUST one day at a time. Sh*t, just an hour at a time-you can think "hey, I got through the entire morning". Be happy about the baby victories too!
Please check out a meeting, get in contact with skunkape definitely!!
Musician
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: In The Swamp
Posts: 49
Again, thanks for the kinds words, very inspirational.. I am at day 2 of complete sobriety. Today was rough at work, felt like a zombie. Feeling very empty and alone inside.Thinking alot about my ex-- who i lost, pain just kills me. I am feeling a bit pissed and am wanting to drink a beer at least, but i know i cannot do that. Why can't i just drink like a normal person. I feel like i have the strength right now to not. Went to a meeting last night and am going to one tonite. Skunkape, yes i have been to S.W.O.I , quite alot last year actually..
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