Fear and Hopelessness
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 51
Fear and Hopelessness
Hi All.. checking in at a very tough time.
I was doing well and had a major relapse and kind of hit rock bottom over the Christmas period.. now drinking just to be able to get through the day/evening. I have been in the situation many times, climbed out, went to meetings, posted here and the cycle keeps repeating.
What I noticed lately is... I'm scared of what to try next, because it might not work. I'm scared to try AA again. I'm scared to try out a psychiatrist again. I'm clinging on to all I have left and cant just seem to take the plunge and accept the basic fact that I need to full immerse myself in recovery.
I put other things in front (usually as soon as I get a bit of sober time and feel better, I lose focus on recovery).. I even got to the point where I'm not sure I want to seek help cause i'm not sure I want to worry anyone... just isolate.
Wondering if this is familiar to any of you. Thanks for letting me share.
I was doing well and had a major relapse and kind of hit rock bottom over the Christmas period.. now drinking just to be able to get through the day/evening. I have been in the situation many times, climbed out, went to meetings, posted here and the cycle keeps repeating.
What I noticed lately is... I'm scared of what to try next, because it might not work. I'm scared to try AA again. I'm scared to try out a psychiatrist again. I'm clinging on to all I have left and cant just seem to take the plunge and accept the basic fact that I need to full immerse myself in recovery.
I put other things in front (usually as soon as I get a bit of sober time and feel better, I lose focus on recovery).. I even got to the point where I'm not sure I want to seek help cause i'm not sure I want to worry anyone... just isolate.
Wondering if this is familiar to any of you. Thanks for letting me share.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Sorry to hear you decided to drink again.
Nothing is going to work for you - you do the work. It is a one-time decision I made to stop drinking. Everything that follows is me backing up that decision.
Yeah, I understand the desire to be alone. I went to meetings for three months and in the end decided AA wasn't for me, but I still recovered. You know how? I did not pick up a drink.
I posted here every day. I read here every day. I researched and read about ways to cope with my anxiety and fears. I prayed. I exercised and I ate well and I didn't pick up a drink.
Your hand. Your mouth. Learn to say no.
Nothing is going to work for you - you do the work. It is a one-time decision I made to stop drinking. Everything that follows is me backing up that decision.
Yeah, I understand the desire to be alone. I went to meetings for three months and in the end decided AA wasn't for me, but I still recovered. You know how? I did not pick up a drink.
I posted here every day. I read here every day. I researched and read about ways to cope with my anxiety and fears. I prayed. I exercised and I ate well and I didn't pick up a drink.
Your hand. Your mouth. Learn to say no.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I feel very much the same. I don't have much family around. Friends are there for me but they have their lives to live. I tried therapy but my alcoholism gets in the way. I am mistrustful of people I don't know (for a very solid reason) so it is hard to immerse myself in AA completely. I spend 99 percent of my time alone. Guess Im used to it. I don't expect to live very long for some reason so I am not too worried about my future like I was before. Life isn't fair. What happens, happens.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,386
I hope both you guys find a way to face your fear and move forward.
Its a leap of faith sure but honestly it's not a very risky one or as scary as we think - there's hundreds of stories here of people whose lives have improved beyond measure since they found recovery.
No one has any reason at all to lie to you about that
D
Its a leap of faith sure but honestly it's not a very risky one or as scary as we think - there's hundreds of stories here of people whose lives have improved beyond measure since they found recovery.
No one has any reason at all to lie to you about that
D
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Hi Lone Wolf - glad you are sharing and yep, I was terrified and lonely and despondent before I finally quit. The last six months of my drinking, I knew some kind of an end was coming (I've realized that specifically for various reasons, and finally saw that my join date - hence the user name- was almost exactly six months before Iquit).
I finally decided I was DONE drinking. I started AA. It was my last resort after railing against it for no good reason other than I wanted to keep drinking. I was very VERY sick when I quit so at the start, just getting well and just going to meetings and absorbing was what I did. I also had a good team of drs and my excellent psych was finally a great resource bc I was sober to get therapy and to have the right meds be effective.
I've added a lot to my sober practice since I started, and that's been critical for me. Starting and repeating that sober choice every day is hard - living sober does become normal, but it takes awhile.
You have to decide what you are willing to do this time. An AA phrase I finally GOT was "to any lengths, at any costs." I know I don't have relapse and subsequent recovery like the one I have built in me.
Glad you are here.
I finally decided I was DONE drinking. I started AA. It was my last resort after railing against it for no good reason other than I wanted to keep drinking. I was very VERY sick when I quit so at the start, just getting well and just going to meetings and absorbing was what I did. I also had a good team of drs and my excellent psych was finally a great resource bc I was sober to get therapy and to have the right meds be effective.
I've added a lot to my sober practice since I started, and that's been critical for me. Starting and repeating that sober choice every day is hard - living sober does become normal, but it takes awhile.
You have to decide what you are willing to do this time. An AA phrase I finally GOT was "to any lengths, at any costs." I know I don't have relapse and subsequent recovery like the one I have built in me.
Glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
I've been on the recovery track before and failed to see it through to completion. I'm on the train again, but why do I think it's working better for me now than in the past? It really does come down to the point where you have to decide that the drinking is over, has to be done with, and that the reward system that it skewed toward alcoholic behavior is a complete failure for how to live.
I wasn't driven so much by fear, as I hate the idea of being driven by my primal instincts. Perhaps therein lies the root for me, I became sick and tired of the control that alcohol can have over me. I'm definitely not a control freak when it comes to things, but to live in suffering was becoming just too much -- the booze was driving everything.
Ultimately we do have volition to decide not to pour the drink down our gullets, and that is needed.
What is there to fear about trying again? Really nothing. Coming back into the fold of abstinence when things weren't working long term does mean a lot of other things have to be addressed, for me. Drinking distorts our value systems for alcoholics, and it leads to lots of subsequent consequences. I felt that I was losing the last things that I liked about me.
You do have to say no, first and foremost, and work on the other things along the way. It requires a lot of attention, discipline, and the realization that it takes time for most people. Very few people go into recovery programs and come out being okay just because they attended meetings and were not drinking for a while, at least I certainly did not. But I did learn some things, and I continue to benefit from constant exposure to the profits that come from not drinking, mainly by engaging in my mental health, using CBT, and coming to SR every day.
You know a very simple thing that I do here is to check in on the 24 hour thread. I don't have to drink today is something that I can relate to as being achievable. My class that adopted me, as I came to SR with some time under my belt, is wonderful, and we share about what's going on in our lives regularly. I also have resources locally that I can turn to if things require some F2F work.
You have to create the space in your life for recovery to work and work the plan that you have set for yourself.
A funny thing just popped into my head, that goes back to a friend of mine. When I was not listening to something that he was trying to tell me, he used to mimic the PA system from airports in a funny voice, blurting out, "Information, information, your attention, please ..." and would continue with what he was expressing. I usually stopped my own voice and heard him out, after I finished chuckling.
I could go on about how I'm trying to introduce substitutions of thought into my own plan, but what's more important than that is that I hope you realize that you can do this.
Don't let your fears paralyze you.
I wasn't driven so much by fear, as I hate the idea of being driven by my primal instincts. Perhaps therein lies the root for me, I became sick and tired of the control that alcohol can have over me. I'm definitely not a control freak when it comes to things, but to live in suffering was becoming just too much -- the booze was driving everything.
Ultimately we do have volition to decide not to pour the drink down our gullets, and that is needed.
What is there to fear about trying again? Really nothing. Coming back into the fold of abstinence when things weren't working long term does mean a lot of other things have to be addressed, for me. Drinking distorts our value systems for alcoholics, and it leads to lots of subsequent consequences. I felt that I was losing the last things that I liked about me.
You do have to say no, first and foremost, and work on the other things along the way. It requires a lot of attention, discipline, and the realization that it takes time for most people. Very few people go into recovery programs and come out being okay just because they attended meetings and were not drinking for a while, at least I certainly did not. But I did learn some things, and I continue to benefit from constant exposure to the profits that come from not drinking, mainly by engaging in my mental health, using CBT, and coming to SR every day.
You know a very simple thing that I do here is to check in on the 24 hour thread. I don't have to drink today is something that I can relate to as being achievable. My class that adopted me, as I came to SR with some time under my belt, is wonderful, and we share about what's going on in our lives regularly. I also have resources locally that I can turn to if things require some F2F work.
You have to create the space in your life for recovery to work and work the plan that you have set for yourself.
A funny thing just popped into my head, that goes back to a friend of mine. When I was not listening to something that he was trying to tell me, he used to mimic the PA system from airports in a funny voice, blurting out, "Information, information, your attention, please ..." and would continue with what he was expressing. I usually stopped my own voice and heard him out, after I finished chuckling.
I could go on about how I'm trying to introduce substitutions of thought into my own plan, but what's more important than that is that I hope you realize that you can do this.
Don't let your fears paralyze you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 449
Yes, the hopelessness of our situation seems to drive that sort of thinking. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. I mean I remember the last time I was visiting a recovery service. I was super anxious and depressed at that time. I would go in and I would sit watching people so bubbly and positive and I felt more downcast. I started thinking I can do it on my own instead, then I did for a short while but the next drink would be catastrophic and I'd lose a partner and then finances would start going downhill, and it just has that knock on effect. Not drinking, sitting bored and hopeless, trying to stop drinking feeling just as hopeless.
It is an absolute riddle to get through I think wolf! I am in similar position.
I will keep plugging away though! Seem whatever help I can!
It is an absolute riddle to get through I think wolf! I am in similar position.
I will keep plugging away though! Seem whatever help I can!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 449
Just sharing a thought process I had just now Lone wolf of you don't mind?
I think it gives an example of how we become stuck and susceptible to picking up a drink.
Today I was messaging my sister on Facebook. She knows I'm struggling at the moment. Anyway, she asked if I wanted to go over next week for a meal and see my niece and nephew, and I said I couldn't because still feeling symptoms of withdrawal, I'd probably hesitant to go anyway because of social anxiety.
So I thought just say I got to a point where I built up the courage to go and wasn't drinking. I would go and then after about an hour start feeling worthless because I can't connect very well with my niece and nephew. I'd have little conversation and would feel anxious as hell. And feel even more ridiculous for the fact I can't even function socially. This brought to me the thought that I can try and stop drinking, and I want to but I have countless times where I would come to a point, like this scenario, where I would become stuck again and revert to thinking what is the point. Then fall into dark despair and sadness. I know many people would say, well you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, but then that would dishearten me even more because then I'd think, god, I can't even do that. Then where is the only options to go? Sit and be depressed and get bored, or self medicate.
So I think my point is I'm realising if I don't address these and can't get myself unstuck from situations or life challenges, I will always be verging on drinking myself mad.
So, for time being I have no resource to do that but I think I need to find a good therapist. There is a good saying, never use a therapist you are more insightful or intelligent than. So with that in mind, I think my best bet is to seek a therapist I trust and is compatible with me and my mental health problems so I can work through this cluster in my mind. Who can then give me small steps to take to get me on my feet.
I think when we isolate we just end up in incredible confusion about what to do, who we are and what we want and what our problems are.
I think it gives an example of how we become stuck and susceptible to picking up a drink.
Today I was messaging my sister on Facebook. She knows I'm struggling at the moment. Anyway, she asked if I wanted to go over next week for a meal and see my niece and nephew, and I said I couldn't because still feeling symptoms of withdrawal, I'd probably hesitant to go anyway because of social anxiety.
So I thought just say I got to a point where I built up the courage to go and wasn't drinking. I would go and then after about an hour start feeling worthless because I can't connect very well with my niece and nephew. I'd have little conversation and would feel anxious as hell. And feel even more ridiculous for the fact I can't even function socially. This brought to me the thought that I can try and stop drinking, and I want to but I have countless times where I would come to a point, like this scenario, where I would become stuck again and revert to thinking what is the point. Then fall into dark despair and sadness. I know many people would say, well you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself, but then that would dishearten me even more because then I'd think, god, I can't even do that. Then where is the only options to go? Sit and be depressed and get bored, or self medicate.
So I think my point is I'm realising if I don't address these and can't get myself unstuck from situations or life challenges, I will always be verging on drinking myself mad.
So, for time being I have no resource to do that but I think I need to find a good therapist. There is a good saying, never use a therapist you are more insightful or intelligent than. So with that in mind, I think my best bet is to seek a therapist I trust and is compatible with me and my mental health problems so I can work through this cluster in my mind. Who can then give me small steps to take to get me on my feet.
I think when we isolate we just end up in incredible confusion about what to do, who we are and what we want and what our problems are.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 449
So long story short, if I just aim to stop drinking, then I'm missing all that baggage that propels me to drink.
I think if I have a set date for therapy and know it is in seeing distance, I have a reason to hold out on the alcohol. Whereas if the support of the idea of my situation changing seems miles away, I will struggle to deal with the despair and feeling that everything I do is futile.
I think if I have a set date for therapy and know it is in seeing distance, I have a reason to hold out on the alcohol. Whereas if the support of the idea of my situation changing seems miles away, I will struggle to deal with the despair and feeling that everything I do is futile.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 51
Yeah I can relate.. from what I think you are mentioning - I struggle with the AA mantra 'One day at a time'.. although it does make perfect sense. But sometimes when i'm struggling and/or with relapse, I need some kind of goal to shoot for which gives me a sense of hope for the future. Yet at times like these I can barely get through the day without drinking to ease the pain and anxiety. Yet excessive goal-setting for the future easily becomes overwhelming to me and I choose to drink to ease that anxiety.
Anyway I guess what I'm trying to get at... i need some kind of structure to get me to stop and stay stopped and yet I can shoot too far or too intensely with many plans for the future... and 'just dont drink for today' sometimes doesnt help as I want a more tangible solution going forward, not just for today.
Anyway I guess what I'm trying to get at... i need some kind of structure to get me to stop and stay stopped and yet I can shoot too far or too intensely with many plans for the future... and 'just dont drink for today' sometimes doesnt help as I want a more tangible solution going forward, not just for today.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Can relate to so much that has been written in this thread - in the same boat at present and could have written the opening post myself.
I’m 2 days back through the doors of AA and glad I walked back through them - support on here is great but F2F and someone to call is invaluable to me albeit something I must do even more this time when things are getting difficult/ I start isolating.
It’s listening to my own head that is the worst thing I can do and sure it’s the same for others too.
I’m 2 days back through the doors of AA and glad I walked back through them - support on here is great but F2F and someone to call is invaluable to me albeit something I must do even more this time when things are getting difficult/ I start isolating.
It’s listening to my own head that is the worst thing I can do and sure it’s the same for others too.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 449
Yes, that mantra is very helpful at certain times but it is not an absolute like many take it to be, is it?
Yeah same here, it is getting out of the rug isn't it? Like I have been in situation for years now. No job, disillusioned with mental health services and alcohol services. No relationship, no friends. Find it difficult to enjoy anything. And my mental health. I quite honestly feel some of us need an intervention. It would take a miracle for some of us to be like right ok, I will stop drinking when there is literally no place to turn and nothing to do, and as you say no future that seems hopeful.
Yep I agree, there needs to be a comprehensive approach to recovery and it is very hard to come by, especially in the UK.
Are you in the UK too?
Yeah same here, it is getting out of the rug isn't it? Like I have been in situation for years now. No job, disillusioned with mental health services and alcohol services. No relationship, no friends. Find it difficult to enjoy anything. And my mental health. I quite honestly feel some of us need an intervention. It would take a miracle for some of us to be like right ok, I will stop drinking when there is literally no place to turn and nothing to do, and as you say no future that seems hopeful.
Yep I agree, there needs to be a comprehensive approach to recovery and it is very hard to come by, especially in the UK.
Are you in the UK too?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Europe
Posts: 51
Agree about the comprehensive program for recovery...
in 2018 I strung some sober time (2 months here, 1 month there and so on) and everything seemed to fall into place and i started to feel fantastic and then boom. Something comes over me and I decide to drink again. Then i was left scratching my head how to avoid that from happening. I went to AA, and after a while the meetings made me severely depressed. Psychiatrist too.. put me on some medications for anxiety. Helped me feel better but didn't stop me from drinking. Then my Sponsor told me i'm simply not ready yet to stop.
So yes... washing machine of thoughts, perhaps it needs to be brutally simple after all - alcohol has to be 100% off the table, for good. But I guess I dont have faith in that yet.. that I could pull that one off.
The problem with this idea that we will get to a magical rock bottom, like, if this or that happens then i'll finally stop due to circumstance, i do not think works. Because things which may have been unthinkable 5 years ago for instance, my alcoholic mind grows to accept and i keep pushing the boundaries..
Not in the UK - but where I live is similar. its a very small country so the AA groups are quite small which might not help
in 2018 I strung some sober time (2 months here, 1 month there and so on) and everything seemed to fall into place and i started to feel fantastic and then boom. Something comes over me and I decide to drink again. Then i was left scratching my head how to avoid that from happening. I went to AA, and after a while the meetings made me severely depressed. Psychiatrist too.. put me on some medications for anxiety. Helped me feel better but didn't stop me from drinking. Then my Sponsor told me i'm simply not ready yet to stop.
So yes... washing machine of thoughts, perhaps it needs to be brutally simple after all - alcohol has to be 100% off the table, for good. But I guess I dont have faith in that yet.. that I could pull that one off.
The problem with this idea that we will get to a magical rock bottom, like, if this or that happens then i'll finally stop due to circumstance, i do not think works. Because things which may have been unthinkable 5 years ago for instance, my alcoholic mind grows to accept and i keep pushing the boundaries..
Not in the UK - but where I live is similar. its a very small country so the AA groups are quite small which might not help
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 734
Originally Posted by LoneWolf04 
Yeah I can relate.. from what I think you are mentioning - I struggle with the AA mantra 'One day at a time'.. although it does make perfect sense. But sometimes when i'm struggling and/or with relapse, I need some kind of goal to shoot for which gives me a sense of hope for the future. Yet at times like these I can barely get through the day without drinking to ease the pain and anxiety. Yet excessive goal-setting for the future easily becomes overwhelming to me and I choose to drink to ease that anxiety.
Anyway I guess what I'm trying to get at... i need some kind of structure to get me to stop and stay stopped and yet I can shoot too far or too intensely with many plans for the future... and 'just dont drink for today' sometimes doesnt help as I want a more tangible solution going forward, not just for today.
Anyway I guess what I'm trying to get at... i need some kind of structure to get me to stop and stay stopped and yet I can shoot too far or too intensely with many plans for the future... and 'just dont drink for today' sometimes doesnt help as I want a more tangible solution going forward, not just for today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 449
Well I think people think I give AA a hard time. I do in reaction to when it is enforced on me. Like I MUST do this or else I will fail!
I have heard stories who recover with AA and that is amazing! I love to hear of anyone recovering because it is so damn bloody hard.
I just don't feel compatible with A A at all. It annoys me that a service so prevalent doesn't help me but there is only so much I can force myself to do without feeling like I'm going to explode.
Yeah, I don't feel like I can get anymore rock bottom. I am desperate for support and desperate to get my life on track. I mean the other day I even contemplated going homeless. Just getting rid of all my stuff and setting off on foot. I just felt I'm never going to survive in the modern world.
I mean I probably have loads of character flaws that cause me to drink too but I need a therapist to work through that with me.
Yeah, there is sort of having knowledge of what we need to do but it is when we feel something resonate inside that we move forward. And like you say many things make sense on paper but not in the context of our lives.
I just honestly really don't know what to think at the moment.
I got that with the meetings at AA too. I was in rehab at the time, I kept listening to people say just keep going and your anxiety will get better. At the time I was in rehab and I remember sitting at the back of the coach that transport is places, just sitting at the back on my own, with my head between my legs, thinking I'm screwed nothing can help me.
Is there SMART recovery in your area?
Do you get anything from AA meetings because of you do maybe mix it up with something else? Not sure what your circumstances are like though.
I have heard stories who recover with AA and that is amazing! I love to hear of anyone recovering because it is so damn bloody hard.
I just don't feel compatible with A A at all. It annoys me that a service so prevalent doesn't help me but there is only so much I can force myself to do without feeling like I'm going to explode.
Yeah, I don't feel like I can get anymore rock bottom. I am desperate for support and desperate to get my life on track. I mean the other day I even contemplated going homeless. Just getting rid of all my stuff and setting off on foot. I just felt I'm never going to survive in the modern world.
I mean I probably have loads of character flaws that cause me to drink too but I need a therapist to work through that with me.
Yeah, there is sort of having knowledge of what we need to do but it is when we feel something resonate inside that we move forward. And like you say many things make sense on paper but not in the context of our lives.
I just honestly really don't know what to think at the moment.
I got that with the meetings at AA too. I was in rehab at the time, I kept listening to people say just keep going and your anxiety will get better. At the time I was in rehab and I remember sitting at the back of the coach that transport is places, just sitting at the back on my own, with my head between my legs, thinking I'm screwed nothing can help me.
Is there SMART recovery in your area?
Do you get anything from AA meetings because of you do maybe mix it up with something else? Not sure what your circumstances are like though.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
One day at a time slowly becomes a axiom with different meanings, from one day to another. Early on? Yeah, literally, I had to not drink that today. As I have gone on in sobriety, worked my program (yes, AA) and developed a lot of other tools for a great sober life in real recovery, most days aren't that "simple" or even "limiting" in the way they sound.
Now I think of my only finish line in life is to die sober. That wasn't a conscious thought for a long time. Backing down from that, I can look to what Dee and some others call "the middle distance" - I know what I need to do today, and this week, as far as my recovery and everything else in life goes....and I can also map out what my next 6 mo or year look like, or where my husband and I want to be once our 16 yr old goes to college....because I do the stuff each day (so, yes, one day at a time because that's all I know I have) to permit me to have long range vision.
Some days? That one day at a time thing reminds me that Jeebus H it was a horrible day but you know what, I'm going to bed sober, everything can wait till tomorrow!
How you frame things, whether what you hear people say here, or in AA or from a psych or a method where you work with your AV....that's up to you to find what works and doesn't. Seize the stuff that "speaks" to you and make that lingo etc your rules for sober living.
Now I think of my only finish line in life is to die sober. That wasn't a conscious thought for a long time. Backing down from that, I can look to what Dee and some others call "the middle distance" - I know what I need to do today, and this week, as far as my recovery and everything else in life goes....and I can also map out what my next 6 mo or year look like, or where my husband and I want to be once our 16 yr old goes to college....because I do the stuff each day (so, yes, one day at a time because that's all I know I have) to permit me to have long range vision.
Some days? That one day at a time thing reminds me that Jeebus H it was a horrible day but you know what, I'm going to bed sober, everything can wait till tomorrow!
How you frame things, whether what you hear people say here, or in AA or from a psych or a method where you work with your AV....that's up to you to find what works and doesn't. Seize the stuff that "speaks" to you and make that lingo etc your rules for sober living.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,647
I did and do anything and everything I can/could to stay sober, heal and grow. The grow bit is what I did not get b4. I did a 4w INpatient rehab once- 4w, while still working as a shiftworker..and came out smelling of roses- planted in the same sh.it. A daily support routine- mainly SR now, but also psychologist, GP, counselor, meetings- AA and b4 also SMART., lots of reading and writing and journal stuff, art, walking, I even gave church a go - anything - where I was seeking to stay sober and heal is better than drinking.
Support to you.
Support to you.
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