OceanGuy

Whatever you do, please don't pick up again, man! It'll just start over again and you'll end up even worse. I'm saying this about myself because I tried picking up again recently and things really went downhill fast.
You've got this...we've got this. Never drink that poison again.

RedAndy

I get what you are saying but that’s where the problem lay i had got myself back at it, I was working the steps and felt I had changed - was told that by the CEO and other colleagues was also told that I needed to be able to socialise with clients, something I felt too uncomfortable to do in sobriety because of knowing where it could potentially lead, don’t feel comfortable and that was something that was held against me.

This is where it really confuses me as the person I see I need to be in sobriety is a million miles from the one I am - most of the people who have known me don’t want the chaos of the old me but don’t want the changed version either. My default setting is a rather loud / larger than life / opinionated - I really have to work at it to get to what I feel is a good person and that shift is huge - it is two completely different people others liked the other who was still fun and on the same page we had always been - I feel it wrong to be who I was as it doesn’t fit with who I see I need to be - not sure if that makes any sense.

Have no idea anymore what I am good at / what I can do, confidence in myself has gone and this has been hugely apparent in both stints of sobriety with heightened anxiety and going into blind panic at the slightest thing, I rapidly start thinking that everything / my life is just utterly pointless anymore.

August252015

Andy- glad you are here and still sharing. How many sober days so far?

One thing I REALLY had to work on was what other people thought or judged or [ ] about me. It basically came down to me getting over what I thought was fair or not about their opinions or decisions (yep, including about losing jobs). All that kept me focused on resentment toward them - and/or worrying about what I'd done to them (here, I'd note your wife, whom you've certainly got reason to worry about - but it won't help you right now).

You've done step 4 before - one thing I have heard over and over is that it's gotta be complete....and it's what actually trips people up down the line, even once we get to a more solid place in recovery. Many people share how in retrospect, a year or more in or whatever, they see that they really didn't do 4/5 completely. For me, I'd been planning to do the steps all over again in my fourth year (provided I keep doing what I do, I will have 3 on Feb 21) - and, to put it succinctly, decided this past week I needed to do another step 4 NOW. I had a very rocky Dec from an emotional standpoint- and my emotional sobriety and balance is my barometer for everything else, ultimately my physical sobriety- and I just couldn't get some stuff and people out of my head. I found, again like others said, that some diff stuff came up than in my first (which I did about 4 mo in), some things had been taken through Step 9 and settled, and others needed further action as living amends to keep that good progress. That new stuff needs my current attention, if you will.

Less has an excellent point too - adding things beyond my AA program has been essential. I think of it as putting as many "tools" as possible into my life in recovery. Do you read stuff that corresponds or encourages you to challenge or grow in your relationship with a HP? I have grown a lot in an evolving kind of spirituality through readings by Friar Richard Rohr of the CAC- he uses all sorts of wisdom traditions and modern concepts and programs including AA to support his over-arching message of love and acceptance.

Also, and I say this gently yet honestly - I don't believe we get infinite chances to start over. I know I don't have another start in me, certainly not the kind of life I have built in recovery - and I cannot take chance on it. Perhaps other people aren't at a mental acceptance of life or death like that, but none of us know when that one drink or one drive or one....will be the last stop in our lives.

On a practical note- is your sponsor still on holiday? What about getting a temporary or even a new one and working the steps externally with another person? doing 90/90?

Wishing you good choices and actions- today.

RedAndy

Hi August,

Thanks for taking the time and the input, today is day 5.

I was doing plenty of reading last time but nothing since I stopped and just started with my BB again, have the 12 & 12 and some other literature but will also take a look at what you mention soon, I’m trying to switch my brain back to it as it feels like I put the shutters up somewhat but with persistence an open mind / willingness and doing as suggested will start to feel I am getting back on track. I know the good side is there and now it’s trying to push through.

That’s the huge leap for me the normal side is very much if I’m honest quite hate filled and bigoted I need to really push that away which is extremely difficult but I know it is possible and I really do like the other side much more once I get there.

I wasn’t a bad person as a kid but found the mask I used for many years as a form of protection- full of fear - without doubt but could never show it until things got too much.

Trying to concentrate on something my sponsor told me (who is back this weekend)

STOP COMPARING
STOP BEING JUDGMENTAL
STOP MIND READING
STOP OVER THINKING

Hope you have a good day to August and thanks again.

saoutchik

Congratulations on 5 days Andy!

One of the more insidious aspects of alcohol is that it insinuates that it is required for us to be confident and interesting but in truth intoxicated confidence is misplaced and anyone who has ever listened to drunk people conversing will know just how boring they are.

Personally I am not really fond of super confident people, much though I would like to have some of that attitude. They are often rather uncaring people as well.

RedAndy

End of day 8 for me,

At another of my old regular meetings this morning and was packed, some great words of support and so many familiar faces / friends there, one who I got close too and helped out with lifts / kept company last time was 34 years sober today, in his 80’s and a real character and inspiration, others advising I’d been in their prayers for a safe return to the rooms, as they say so many don’t make it back once they go out again.

Another meeting yesterday - only a small one I found on the meetings list last year when I decided I was going to do 90/90 (a year ago today to be exact) good few miles from where I live but was the first of the week Monday at 1030 hrs so got my self along and attended every week for the next 7 months - same sort of welcome back there too and at all the others I was regular at that I’ve been to in the last week. Definitely know I am back in the right place.

Certainly made my week so much easier than it could have been - also attended couples counselling for depression this evening that we’ve been attending for the last 3 months but not been since early December where things have really hit the fan since - much of what we had been working on was hindered by the fact I was in denial about my alcohol problems / not being at all honest and sneaking / deceiving etc which wasn’t helping anyone especially me having to deal with it all in my own head - felt much better to actually be able to be honest this evening and lay my cards on the table.

Hevyn

8 days - wonderful news, Andy. Very proud of you.

August252015

Great going Andy! Thanks for updating us and do stick around. Have you looked at the Class of Jan 2019 thread? Good stuff to find a group of folks quitting the same time as you. My Feb 2016 group was awesome and we still keep in touch.

RedAndy

Hi August, thanks for replying, yes I have jumped on the Jan class, Nov 15 class was instrumental in my first stint at sobriety.

Thanks Hevyn appreciate that.

least

Eight days sober is a great start to a better life.

Dee74

keep it going Andy - great progress so far

D