looking for advice and experience
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 10
looking for advice and experience
Hi all, I am new to this, stumbled upon the site while searching for answers to the endless questions I have.
My story...started dating a woman 7 years ago, who had recently divorced a man who was abusive, both physically and emotionally, was an alcoholic and user. She "partied" too, but no where to the same extent. During the marriage and divorce, she did drink excessiveley, and when I met her she did like to have some drinks although it didn't alarm me. During the onset of our relationship, we did drink and spend plenty of time together with and without drinks. As the relationship grew, i saw signs that her drinking was different than mine. Around 3 years ago, I propose and she gladly accepts. And then more signs...outrage while drunk, flase accusations directed towards me, fighting about nothings, physical towards me. The actions towards others in the house began to deteriorate as well. A little over a year ago, she was fighting with me while at dinner, ended up leaving apart. She got black out drunk and ended up in some strangers house, although nothing happened. At that point, she committed to AA. One night into the program she fell off, but was back on it. At this time, our relationship did take some major changes, as it was often for us to go out to dinner and have a couple drinks, after sports activities stop at the sports bar and have a couple. In hindsight our relationship grew stale...just taking care of all the blended family things, work, chores, etc etc. This past September, she attended a HS reunion of sorts in New Orleans. She called me the second morning and told me she had a couple drinks. I was surprised, and honestly didn't know how to take it. When she returned, we talked about it and her general opinion was "**** AA, I want to have a couple drinks", basically told her sponsor off and started have a couple drinks here and there. Now I didn't know it at the time, but have since learned that this action is only the begining of the storm coming. All along this time, she has been also seeeing a therapist. In October, she comes home with the revelation that her therapist helped her see....she has never been alone and needs to live life alone for awhile (she met her husband when she was 14). OK, thats a shock. I will summise the next two months....we co-habitate for a bit, I move out over Thanksgiving to a hotel, she tells me after a couple days to just come home, its foolish. Meanwhile she is still drinking, albeit it not excessively. Second weekend in December, she takes off with a couple friends to a professional game, and I believe ends up drinking and sleeping with some guy. Comes back, I confront her after finding a couple odd pictures of a stranger on her phone, she denies but says she needs the space and out I move. Present day, we spend plenty of time over the holidays together, alone and as a family with the kids. She still says she loves me, but needs to get healthy before she can have any chance at us. Told me the other day she fessed up to her sponsor. So my question, what does a relapse really do to the mind. I get the fact this could just simply be the dieing actions of a woman for the relationship. However I have read plenty of stories about people like myself who have experienced this type of behavior. With her starting to drink again, it all went down hill and fast. Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated. We just mutually agreed to go quiet for 30 days to see where things are than, for when we spend time together it feels so right and good, however we both know where that got us and neither of us want that again. Guess its not only a AA question, but intertwined with the relationship stuff to. Thanks for listening
My story...started dating a woman 7 years ago, who had recently divorced a man who was abusive, both physically and emotionally, was an alcoholic and user. She "partied" too, but no where to the same extent. During the marriage and divorce, she did drink excessiveley, and when I met her she did like to have some drinks although it didn't alarm me. During the onset of our relationship, we did drink and spend plenty of time together with and without drinks. As the relationship grew, i saw signs that her drinking was different than mine. Around 3 years ago, I propose and she gladly accepts. And then more signs...outrage while drunk, flase accusations directed towards me, fighting about nothings, physical towards me. The actions towards others in the house began to deteriorate as well. A little over a year ago, she was fighting with me while at dinner, ended up leaving apart. She got black out drunk and ended up in some strangers house, although nothing happened. At that point, she committed to AA. One night into the program she fell off, but was back on it. At this time, our relationship did take some major changes, as it was often for us to go out to dinner and have a couple drinks, after sports activities stop at the sports bar and have a couple. In hindsight our relationship grew stale...just taking care of all the blended family things, work, chores, etc etc. This past September, she attended a HS reunion of sorts in New Orleans. She called me the second morning and told me she had a couple drinks. I was surprised, and honestly didn't know how to take it. When she returned, we talked about it and her general opinion was "**** AA, I want to have a couple drinks", basically told her sponsor off and started have a couple drinks here and there. Now I didn't know it at the time, but have since learned that this action is only the begining of the storm coming. All along this time, she has been also seeeing a therapist. In October, she comes home with the revelation that her therapist helped her see....she has never been alone and needs to live life alone for awhile (she met her husband when she was 14). OK, thats a shock. I will summise the next two months....we co-habitate for a bit, I move out over Thanksgiving to a hotel, she tells me after a couple days to just come home, its foolish. Meanwhile she is still drinking, albeit it not excessively. Second weekend in December, she takes off with a couple friends to a professional game, and I believe ends up drinking and sleeping with some guy. Comes back, I confront her after finding a couple odd pictures of a stranger on her phone, she denies but says she needs the space and out I move. Present day, we spend plenty of time over the holidays together, alone and as a family with the kids. She still says she loves me, but needs to get healthy before she can have any chance at us. Told me the other day she fessed up to her sponsor. So my question, what does a relapse really do to the mind. I get the fact this could just simply be the dieing actions of a woman for the relationship. However I have read plenty of stories about people like myself who have experienced this type of behavior. With her starting to drink again, it all went down hill and fast. Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated. We just mutually agreed to go quiet for 30 days to see where things are than, for when we spend time together it feels so right and good, however we both know where that got us and neither of us want that again. Guess its not only a AA question, but intertwined with the relationship stuff to. Thanks for listening
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 10
I suppose I need to add a couple things after reading this. First, I admit I am far from innocent in the "relationship" issues....while I thought I was supporting the AA I suspect what I was doing was creating distance in essence. I have plenty of my own faults that I too am seeing a therapist about, albeit I started mine only a couple months ago. And my real question is about the AA part, what does relapse entail, what are common actions, etc. I have talked to a few trusted friends who have been in the program for 10+ years and they have said that it can be rough, they usually have to hit a "new low", etc.
2/2016
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Texas
Posts: 582
I hear her saying she wants to be alone. She goes off alone. She maybe sleeps with another guy. She said she still loves you but needs to get healthy for a “chance at us. “ She is showing you and telling you she is not 100% committed to “us” ...to you. How do you feel about that? You deserve so much more.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,492
Hi and Welcome,
I'm not an AA person, but I know that a relapse is always difficult to deal with. I think your girlfriend is telling you that she wants some distance right now. She has told you that she needs to be healthy to make the relationship work. Have you considered AlAnon as a support for you? It might be a good idea for you.
I'm not an AA person, but I know that a relapse is always difficult to deal with. I think your girlfriend is telling you that she wants some distance right now. She has told you that she needs to be healthy to make the relationship work. Have you considered AlAnon as a support for you? It might be a good idea for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 405
I've relapsed twice on my own journey. Each time I relapsed addiction sunk its claws deeper into my brain. The drinking increased big time. My body was aching much more. My actions became more shameful and disgraceful. Each time I relapsed I became drunk me x100.
In regards to the relationship, your wife/gf not only has her demons but she has repeatedly shown that she has no respect for you. It is up to you to determine if that is the life you want for yourself.
In regards to the relationship, your wife/gf not only has her demons but she has repeatedly shown that she has no respect for you. It is up to you to determine if that is the life you want for yourself.
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