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Old 12-29-2018, 05:50 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Said not to obligations I committed to....then drank red wine


I let the volunteer group I have been treasurer of for awhile know that I would no longer be able to serve in the new year. This was a step for me and for my needs but i feel SO guilty....why?

I said yes to my husband playing hockey 9pm to 10:30pm on Thursday night this past week, but why did I lay in bed weeping thinking he was attracted to one of the multiple women that play on that team?

Why do I feel so insecure in a 21 year marriage? Why is my self esteem so ******* low? What do I do to fix all of these problems that plaque me through out my life??

Feeling lost, unloved and unimportant in my life tonight....like I'm not enough for any one or any thing.

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Old 12-29-2018, 05:55 PM   #2 (permalink)
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If you're drinking, that will make you feel depressed. Alcohol is a depressant. When I was drinking, I had low self esteem and hated myself. But after a few months sober, and practicing gratitude, my feelings are mostly positive now. I no longer wake up hating myself.

I hope you'll get rid of the wine and not get anymore.

Don't feel guilty for not wanting the responsibility. You don't have to volunteer your time. That's why it's called volunteering.
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Old 12-29-2018, 06:05 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you drank, but I'm glad you're back Otterisland

My self esteem didn't come back until I was sober for quite a while.

I think it was a natural process of facing life, dealing with problems sober and getting through them without drinking.

That made me see how competent and capable I was.

Before that, I needed people to love me. External validation was the only validation I had.

That meant agreeing, no matter what, to things I didn't want to do, or want them to do, and it led directly to simmering inner resentment and eventually drinking again.

Sober I learned to love myself again, and I learned it was OK to disagree with people and ask for what I wanted - amazingly, people still loved me

Its a process - but it's a process that can only happen when we stay sober, I think?

D
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Old 12-29-2018, 06:06 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Old 12-29-2018, 06:30 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I'm sorry you drank, but I'm glad you're back Otterisland

My self esteem didn't come back until I was sober for quite a while.

I think it was a natural process of facing life, dealing with problems sober and getting through them without drinking.

That made me see how competent and capable I was.

Before that, I needed people to love me. External validation was the only validation I had.

That meant agreeing, no matter what, to things I didn't want to do, or want them to do, and it led directly to simmering inner resentment and eventually drinking again.

Sober I learned to love myself again, and I learned it was OK to disagree with people and ask for what I wanted - amazingly, people still loved me

Its a process - but it's a process that can only happen when we stay sober, I think?

D
This has been my experience as well......everything gets better when we put down the booze.
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Old 12-29-2018, 06:55 PM   #6 (permalink)
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But it feels like nothing got better....it only got worse 😢
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Old 12-29-2018, 06:58 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Glad to hear that you took a positive step on the volunteer front - assuming you needed the break. I'm sure you can help contribute in other ways if you like.

Regarding the jealousy and insecurities, have you ever spoken to a counselor about these things? It's perfectly OK to do so if you need help dealing with some of those emotions. Alcohol of course is the worst possible thing you can do in these types of situations as it makes the depression worse, I hope you can get rid of what you have.
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Old 12-29-2018, 07:39 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Wow....just wow. Have I ever spoken to a counselor?? Of course I have, ever since 2010!! And of course alcohol is the worst thing for me and I should get rid of it....but nothing shall take its place. Nothing can dull the feelings more or better....

I really am in a bad place. 😱. Too bad for me.
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Old 12-29-2018, 08:24 PM   #9 (permalink)
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But it feels like nothing got better....it only got worse ��
I think if you went back through your posts you'd see that quite a few things got better

I had to have faith so that even when it felt like things would never change, I still stayed on the right road.

Things do get better - noine would stay sober if they didn't. They may not get better immediately tho - it take more than a few weeks... I think things began to turn for me at 90 -120 days sober.

Drinking made me expect immediate gratification., I forgot the value of persistence faith and effort.

Try not to let despair overwhelm you.
Some things take time to change - but they're worth waiting for

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Nothing can dull the feelings more or better....
what if the answer is not to dull the feelings, but actively face and deal with them, engage them and move through them to a new level of happiness peace and contentment otterisland?

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Wow....just wow. Have I ever spoken to a counselor?? Of course I have, ever since 2010!!
Everyone trying to help - and none of us is clairvoyant

I really think you'll be amazed how much better things could be in 6 months if you commit to not taking a drink, no matter what, and in doing whatever it takes to be happily sober...including maybe finding a new therapist.

If things are still crap then, you have my permission to come back and smack me all around the forum

D
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Old 12-29-2018, 08:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Wow....just wow. Have I ever spoken to a counselor?? Of course I have, ever since 2010!! And of course alcohol is the worst thing for me and I should get rid of it....but nothing shall take its place. Nothing can dull the feelings more or better....

I really am in a bad place. ��. Too bad for me.
I think if you went back and read some of your posts leading up to the holidays, you'll see that you were a lot happier when you were sober. I'm sorry you are in a bad place, but alcohol put you there whether you realize it or not. Alcohol may dull your feelings temporarily but of course they will all still be there when you sober up, and they will be worse than before you drank. It's a fantastic lie that addiction tries to tell you...don't listen to it.

I have no knowledge of your past, my question about therapy was one asked in earnest. I have sought help via therapy myself and it was beneficial.
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Old 12-29-2018, 08:54 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Do they have Cognitive Behaviour Therapy programs or groups near you?
I found a lot of tools and relief with dealing with strong emotions until you get through to the other side, in learning about different grounding techniques, and in different ptsd and other trauma/strong emotion tools.
It takes time but it does get better.
Good luck to you on your journey
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Old 12-30-2018, 04:58 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Thanks for all the support. I guess you have to get beyond day 40 to experience the long term good things sobriety can bring.

ScottfromWI, my apologies for my reaction to your question about therapy. It just feels like Iíve been in therapy forever but stuck in the same spot of not knowing who I am and what makes me tick. And with my current counselor getting ready to retire and move I have to find yet a third therapist in almost 9 years.

So back to Day 1 where I never wanted to be again, but like many of us I keep falling victim to this disease. Hope my small amount of non-sober time didnít screw me up too much and I can get right back on track.

Thanks again for making me feel like it is worth saving myself ❤️
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Old 12-30-2018, 05:00 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I drank for 20 years - it took a while for me to get well again, but nothing like 20 years - the few months it took was, I think now, a pretty good deal otterisland

D
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Old 12-30-2018, 05:08 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Wow....just wow. Have I ever spoken to a counselor?? Of course I have, ever since 2010!! And of course alcohol is the worst thing for me and I should get rid of it....but nothing shall take its place. Nothing can dull the feelings more or better....

I really am in a bad place. ��. Too bad for me.
I can empathize with all of these thoughts. The only thing that could take the place of alcohol was...everything sobriety ultimately brings. It's scary and hard and, for me, I had to just take the leap that good choices like going to a therapist would ONLY help once I quit drinking.

Please stay with us. It might not seem like it now but we do understand. And, said gently because I HATED to hear it, putting myself in the role of victim, or affronted party, or not party to the drama in my life (and realizing what drama meant, even in the smallest ways) were central to my conviction it was hopeless to quit. I had to get past all that. I know how angry and resentful I was at everything though I didn't see it at the time.

Hoping you choose to get to this side of life.
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