Lying awake. The fear
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 30
Lying awake. The fear
Lying awake for hours in the middle of the night thinking about all the awful and shameful things I have done . I have drank every day this December and it has made me make poor choices, sleep with colleagues, put my self in danger, black outs. I’m broke and don’t know how I’ll make it through January.
Fear and dread grips my heart. I’m so ashamed.
taken a few codiene tablets to try and help me back to sleep.
Fear and dread grips my heart. I’m so ashamed.
taken a few codiene tablets to try and help me back to sleep.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I am pretty much in the same situation. Going through witjdrawal and been awake for over 48 hours. Hsd a massive panic attack tonight. When I sober up, the anxiety over the trail of destruction I have left behind me is unbearable. I am broke and have no food because I drank it all. I have had enough of this.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Welcome back Blankspace. I can remember nights like that, dreading the fact that I’d have to start drinking again the next morning to make it through.....but it was really just a cycle of fear, there was little or no relief at all towards the end.
I can guarantee you that it’s better once you quit though. Withdrawals suck, but they are only a short/small price to pay to rid yourself of the anchor that alcoho lputs around your neck. You can do this.
I can guarantee you that it’s better once you quit though. Withdrawals suck, but they are only a short/small price to pay to rid yourself of the anchor that alcoho lputs around your neck. You can do this.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
i just so desperately want to be the confident, funny person I am after a few drinks. But not the mess I am when I can’t stop. Or the anxious fog head I am when I don’t drink.
You can't have one without the other I'm afraid,- trust me I tried.
My problem, and I suspect it might be yours too - is that I couldn't stop at that few drinks point.
In the end I settled for being sober and being me.
Sometimes I'm confident and funny (especially with old friends) and yet sometimes I'm a little intimidated with strangers and shy - I live with both scenarios....I prefer this real me to the drunk other one 1000%.
I hope you'll make the decision to at least give full recovery a try - you'll get past the anxiety and the foggy head in a little while - and you'll sleep much better too
I'd be careful of using codeine to fall asleep too - it's easy to make that a habit - - you don't want another addiction to deal with.
D
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
I know what it means to drink yourself into a dark corner, and the light of not being without the alcohol to pass into another stupor is horrifying. Reality being what it is, we just have to face up to the consequences, some of which are less dreadful than we fear, while others can be all too real. The one certain thing that can be done that can improve things is to not drink and to gradually come back into a state where one bit by bit can address what we have dealt into our hands.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 451
Sorry that you are hurting. When I have had 'the fear' in the past I have wanted to crawl into a ball and hide. Maybe try and force yourself out for a walk and soak up some nature. Exercise helps to lift your mood, at least for a while.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
I know that fear all too well. Waking up after 3 hours sleep in the middle of the night, gripped with pure fear and impending doom. Dreading the fact I knew I had to start drinking again as soon as I get out of bed to quell the dark feelings I felt. Dry wretching as I got out of bed. Downing wine and vodka at 5am like a mad man.
The thing is, the remedy is quite simple. Alcohol is what is causing those feelings, and the good news is you never have to feel that way again. Alcohol isn't your friend its your enemy.
The thing is, the remedy is quite simple. Alcohol is what is causing those feelings, and the good news is you never have to feel that way again. Alcohol isn't your friend its your enemy.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,642
BlSp87, your words resonate with me. My story is well documented so I will spare you that- save to say Xmas 2015 through to Feb 2016, I was so overwhelmed with guilt, the fatigue of pretending to care about myself- I was drinking 5L of rotgut wine a day. I lost 50kg and lost my family, home, possessions- everything.
Fear and shame came with the guilt- which dragged me down to the point that only oblivion from the world by drinking myself senseless made any sense.
There is a LOT of very good info, support and resources at SR.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I have been where you are...under the most hellish of circumstances- but I survived, got sober and turned being a victim of booze and depression to being a survivor- where now I heal and grow.
The fact is- you posted here means you have hope, which is the first thing that we need to start to heal. Join some of the newcomer's threads, such as the Class of December '18
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-2-a.html
I was linked as above to the Class of March '16, and I post there daily, mostly days and have learnt a lot (and still do). There is strength in numbers and I got to know people on that thread who I now count as close friends.
With hope comes the ability to believe in something better, something more than what we are.
Do not lose that hope.
Keep posting.
My prayers and support to you.
Fear and shame came with the guilt- which dragged me down to the point that only oblivion from the world by drinking myself senseless made any sense.
There is a LOT of very good info, support and resources at SR.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE, I have been where you are...under the most hellish of circumstances- but I survived, got sober and turned being a victim of booze and depression to being a survivor- where now I heal and grow.
The fact is- you posted here means you have hope, which is the first thing that we need to start to heal. Join some of the newcomer's threads, such as the Class of December '18
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-2-a.html
I was linked as above to the Class of March '16, and I post there daily, mostly days and have learnt a lot (and still do). There is strength in numbers and I got to know people on that thread who I now count as close friends.
With hope comes the ability to believe in something better, something more than what we are.
Do not lose that hope.
Keep posting.
My prayers and support to you.
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