Going through the motions
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Going through the motions
Hi beloved SR family
I wish you all well.
I need to post because I have come to the realisation that I am depressed and merely going through the motions.
Its taken Christmas to realise, although I probably have been feeling like this for over 6 months.
Maybe longer.
Until it was pointed out to me, I had no idea.
I knew I was not happy, but I had no idea how bad it has become. Or a better way to say it how bad I have become.
I take antidepressants already and have done for a number of years. I'm 45 now. I started treatment with them when I was in my 20's.
I work full time.
I have a 9 year old who is wonderful and hard work in equal measures. I am a single mum, but my daughter does spend time with her dad.
I have very few friends, because thats how it has become. I guess being a mum, working, school, homework etc etc means I have little spare time.
I have a very strained relationship with my family.
Its my choice to not be in touch more.
They live a couple of minutes drive away.
I truly do go through the motions with them.
This christmas was a shining example of this.
We visited, we sat in silence, we opened presents, made stilted conversation.
All I want to do is sleep.
Everything is hard work - cooking, cleaning, entertaining, the school run, birthdays, christmas, whatever.
I just want to be out of the way and asleep if possible.
I have no longing to drink but I have no longing for anything other than sleep.
I'm sorry xx
I wish you all well.
I need to post because I have come to the realisation that I am depressed and merely going through the motions.
Its taken Christmas to realise, although I probably have been feeling like this for over 6 months.
Maybe longer.
Until it was pointed out to me, I had no idea.
I knew I was not happy, but I had no idea how bad it has become. Or a better way to say it how bad I have become.
I take antidepressants already and have done for a number of years. I'm 45 now. I started treatment with them when I was in my 20's.
I work full time.
I have a 9 year old who is wonderful and hard work in equal measures. I am a single mum, but my daughter does spend time with her dad.
I have very few friends, because thats how it has become. I guess being a mum, working, school, homework etc etc means I have little spare time.
I have a very strained relationship with my family.
Its my choice to not be in touch more.
They live a couple of minutes drive away.
I truly do go through the motions with them.
This christmas was a shining example of this.
We visited, we sat in silence, we opened presents, made stilted conversation.
All I want to do is sleep.
Everything is hard work - cooking, cleaning, entertaining, the school run, birthdays, christmas, whatever.
I just want to be out of the way and asleep if possible.
I have no longing to drink but I have no longing for anything other than sleep.
I'm sorry xx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
How long have you been sober? I definitely experienced what you described, I thought of it as a kind of "purgatory," where you can't return to your old life of drinking, but haven't fully engaged in sobriety/recovery, either. I think it's very wise of you to recognize this and post, but go easy on yourself. If you want to sleep, do it! Have treats, don't beat yourself up, take note of any small thing that you're grateful for. We're here for you. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,229
As I was reading your post Sasha, you mentioned
that you have been antidepressants since your 20's
and now you are 45.
You know, as we get older so does our inside
too. Sometimes we need to have a good complete
physical and check up to make sure everything
inside is ticking properly.
Maybe those meds need changing because
over that many yrs, your body has become
accustomed to them.
Just a thought to pass on to you.
So dont be too discouraged at how you are
feeling right now because there is help waiting
for you get your everything sorted out so
you can achieve a healthier, happier mind
and body for the New Year as you move
forward in your life.
Stay strong and positive and stay connected
to SR, a lifeline in recovery and life to hold on
tight to. We are here for you.
that you have been antidepressants since your 20's
and now you are 45.
You know, as we get older so does our inside
too. Sometimes we need to have a good complete
physical and check up to make sure everything
inside is ticking properly.
Maybe those meds need changing because
over that many yrs, your body has become
accustomed to them.
Just a thought to pass on to you.
So dont be too discouraged at how you are
feeling right now because there is help waiting
for you get your everything sorted out so
you can achieve a healthier, happier mind
and body for the New Year as you move
forward in your life.
Stay strong and positive and stay connected
to SR, a lifeline in recovery and life to hold on
tight to. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm with Sharon, Sasha.
There are many newer medications that act differently with people. It sounds like it's time to see a doctor and or therapist. Wanting to sleep all the time isn't right and it could be something simple and easily treated like thyroid and/or nutrient deficiency. I had both of those issues and with treatment I'm back in life.
I did have to face up to my personal issues and make peace with my past, too.
There is a way out. I've been where you are and I'm not there any more. Keep searching!
There are many newer medications that act differently with people. It sounds like it's time to see a doctor and or therapist. Wanting to sleep all the time isn't right and it could be something simple and easily treated like thyroid and/or nutrient deficiency. I had both of those issues and with treatment I'm back in life.
I did have to face up to my personal issues and make peace with my past, too.
There is a way out. I've been where you are and I'm not there any more. Keep searching!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
I guess the other important bit of information is that my partner (also in AA but still drinking) has revealed my status as an alcoholic to my parents, by text.
He claims he did it to help me with they way I am now.
However I feel I can never ever forgive him for this.
Im devastated.
I never told anyone, apart from those in AA, as I saw it as my battle to fight as I saw fit which is quietly and in my own way.
He might not see it as the best way or his way, but its worked for me.
I now have nearly 7 years.
He claims he did it to help me with they way I am now.
However I feel I can never ever forgive him for this.
Im devastated.
I never told anyone, apart from those in AA, as I saw it as my battle to fight as I saw fit which is quietly and in my own way.
He might not see it as the best way or his way, but its worked for me.
I now have nearly 7 years.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I hope you are able to find some relief. When you said all you want to do is sleep, it hit home. I was depressed back in the late 90's for period of time and all I did was sleep. Had no idea it was depression.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well Sasha, of course your partner over-stepped but it's done now.
If you believe it's nature and nurture with alcoholism then your family of origin is part of your drinking story and whether it was influenced by genetics, a dysfunctional upbringing, past traumas or a combination of all the above - there is still a way for you to find and create a whole healthy life.
Personally I couldn't be in an intimate relationship with an alcoholic who still drinks - but that isn't your main concern is it?
I told my immediate family I am an alcoholic. It didn't change anything. They still continued to offer me drinks until they died. It was like I never said it. I just ignored their inability to deal with my reality.
If you believe it's nature and nurture with alcoholism then your family of origin is part of your drinking story and whether it was influenced by genetics, a dysfunctional upbringing, past traumas or a combination of all the above - there is still a way for you to find and create a whole healthy life.
Personally I couldn't be in an intimate relationship with an alcoholic who still drinks - but that isn't your main concern is it?
I told my immediate family I am an alcoholic. It didn't change anything. They still continued to offer me drinks until they died. It was like I never said it. I just ignored their inability to deal with my reality.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,229
As biminblue said.....
"there is still a way for you to find and
create a whole healthy life."
And I have to agree with that myself because
in order to be successful in recovery and life,
there had to be some healthy changes, even
if it meant pulling away from my family.
First of all I have to commend you on your
7 yrs of sobriety incorporating the tools and
knowledge you learned from the AA program
of recovery.
Like many of us, we continue to grow and
learn all along the way in our quest to achieve
a healthier, happier, honest way of life.
From what have shared so far, I sense that
you are strong and that you will do whatever
you need to do to protect your recovery
and sobriety while applying the steps as your
guideline to each situation that includes
people, places and things in your everyday
life.
"there is still a way for you to find and
create a whole healthy life."
And I have to agree with that myself because
in order to be successful in recovery and life,
there had to be some healthy changes, even
if it meant pulling away from my family.
First of all I have to commend you on your
7 yrs of sobriety incorporating the tools and
knowledge you learned from the AA program
of recovery.
Like many of us, we continue to grow and
learn all along the way in our quest to achieve
a healthier, happier, honest way of life.
From what have shared so far, I sense that
you are strong and that you will do whatever
you need to do to protect your recovery
and sobriety while applying the steps as your
guideline to each situation that includes
people, places and things in your everyday
life.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 635
Hi Shana,
I know exactly like you feel. I have been on and off meds for depression and i also didn't know what was wrong i was/am drinking and going thru the motions.
No relationship with my family either.
All i can say there is not shame in being an alcoholic especially if you are sober for 7 years now.
I wish you all the best in 2019
I know exactly like you feel. I have been on and off meds for depression and i also didn't know what was wrong i was/am drinking and going thru the motions.
No relationship with my family either.
All i can say there is not shame in being an alcoholic especially if you are sober for 7 years now.
I wish you all the best in 2019
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
I understand you being angry with your partner for telling your family that you were in recovery. It's a very personal journey and it should be up to you as to who you talk to about it.
I'd really recommend talking to your about your depression. It could be that changing the medication you are on, or the dosage, would make a difference.
I'd really recommend talking to your about your depression. It could be that changing the medication you are on, or the dosage, would make a difference.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,313
I'm glad to hear from you Sasha but I'm sorry you're feeling low and I'm sorry your partner abused your trust and privacy like that.
Life's not mean to be endured, Sasha.
Antidepressants have been a godsend to me, but over time, like any long term drug, a particular drug may lose its effectiveness.
I hope you'll see a doctor about this long lasting depression.
There may be new, or at least other, meds that can help you more effectively?
D
Life's not mean to be endured, Sasha.
Antidepressants have been a godsend to me, but over time, like any long term drug, a particular drug may lose its effectiveness.
I hope you'll see a doctor about this long lasting depression.
There may be new, or at least other, meds that can help you more effectively?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Gosh - if there ever was a good time to go to a meeting it was this evening after posting on here.......
Dee you are so right in that recently I have come to endure life.
One lady member said tonight 'I feel disengaged from friends, family, celebrations........' and it was like a wake up moment for me.
I felt relief that not just me felt like that.
I shared that i felt disconnected too.
That everything was an effort.
That all I wanted to do was sleep.
That nothing was enjoyable, it was a drag, a hard task or something that needed to be done.
At the end of the meeting many members came up to me and said they were proud of me for admitting how I felt and they felt similar.
I shared that someone had asked me if I had a nice Christmas and I didn't know what to say.
Not that it was bad, just that I forgot to notice if I had enjoyed it.
I just did what was needed.
I suppose I 'did Christmas'.
My feelings just all fell into place.
At Christmas, I wrapped presents, made my house festive, invented things that flaming elf on the shelf might do for 25 nights.
I bought after eight mints and dry roasted peanuts which we only have for special occasions and got 10 carrots for the reindeers.
I'm still searching for a nicer star than the one I have now to go on top of my christmas tree. Maybe next year!!
The point is I just did it with very little cheer or good grace.
Sadly though I 'did my birthday, my parents wedding anniversary, my friends birthdays etc etc too.
I think some of this is due to the fact that I do endure certain get togethers and parties and events, especially at work. I get through them and disappear when the heavy drinking starts.
Make no mistake this is fine by me, but not for what should be special family moments with people I love.
Its a strategy I have used since I stopped drinking.
Work events are just that now - work.
Weddings are to celebrate love not to tip buckets of champagne down my neck.
I put up with the just 1 drink, are you driving, are you ill badgering, until I can disappear and no-one notices.
I do endure and I am happy to endure.
However, it seems that this approach has blanketed every single moment in life now and thats not good.
I realise that I have had a really hard few months and that yes being around an active drinker is not working for me.
I need to protect myself and my daughter.
I did not get sober to then introduce more drunken drama into my life.
I am going to go to my GP and ask for my medication to be reviewed.
I guess i am often reluctant to do this as I am petrified they will stop my tablets after so many years, but thats silly of me to assume that.
I want to say thank you to you all, especially Dee.
I know we are not supposed to have favourites, but you are mine Dee!!
I wish you all the best xx
Dee you are so right in that recently I have come to endure life.
One lady member said tonight 'I feel disengaged from friends, family, celebrations........' and it was like a wake up moment for me.
I felt relief that not just me felt like that.
I shared that i felt disconnected too.
That everything was an effort.
That all I wanted to do was sleep.
That nothing was enjoyable, it was a drag, a hard task or something that needed to be done.
At the end of the meeting many members came up to me and said they were proud of me for admitting how I felt and they felt similar.
I shared that someone had asked me if I had a nice Christmas and I didn't know what to say.
Not that it was bad, just that I forgot to notice if I had enjoyed it.
I just did what was needed.
I suppose I 'did Christmas'.
My feelings just all fell into place.
At Christmas, I wrapped presents, made my house festive, invented things that flaming elf on the shelf might do for 25 nights.
I bought after eight mints and dry roasted peanuts which we only have for special occasions and got 10 carrots for the reindeers.
I'm still searching for a nicer star than the one I have now to go on top of my christmas tree. Maybe next year!!
The point is I just did it with very little cheer or good grace.
Sadly though I 'did my birthday, my parents wedding anniversary, my friends birthdays etc etc too.
I think some of this is due to the fact that I do endure certain get togethers and parties and events, especially at work. I get through them and disappear when the heavy drinking starts.
Make no mistake this is fine by me, but not for what should be special family moments with people I love.
Its a strategy I have used since I stopped drinking.
Work events are just that now - work.
Weddings are to celebrate love not to tip buckets of champagne down my neck.
I put up with the just 1 drink, are you driving, are you ill badgering, until I can disappear and no-one notices.
I do endure and I am happy to endure.
However, it seems that this approach has blanketed every single moment in life now and thats not good.
I realise that I have had a really hard few months and that yes being around an active drinker is not working for me.
I need to protect myself and my daughter.
I did not get sober to then introduce more drunken drama into my life.
I am going to go to my GP and ask for my medication to be reviewed.
I guess i am often reluctant to do this as I am petrified they will stop my tablets after so many years, but thats silly of me to assume that.
I want to say thank you to you all, especially Dee.
I know we are not supposed to have favourites, but you are mine Dee!!
I wish you all the best xx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 108
Not sure if I can offer any help but let you know I have been feeling the same way recently. Work all day, get home, eat, watch tv, sleep. Christmas felt the same for me as well. Rinse, repeat. I had a natural high when I first quit, but now am coming to the realization that there is much more to life than just not drinking. Maybe it’s the weather, who knows. I’d rather be depressed sober than drunk. Sorry that this probably doesn’t make you feel any better but it’s good to know that I’m not the only one. Happy new year and congrats on 7 years.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
Sasha, I am so glad to know that you found some relief from your feeling stuck and alone in where you have found yourself.
It's not easy to think about changing medication, but doing to inquire about what may be more effective for you now is a grand decision.
I concur with Dee, that sometimes we all are just going through motions to get by, in many facets of living.
You remind me that we have to be listening carefully to ourselves, and sometimes to others, to catch the message that might be lost upon us otherwise. You have self-awareness, and that is a real feather to carry. Thank you for sharing your feelings here.
It's not easy to think about changing medication, but doing to inquire about what may be more effective for you now is a grand decision.
I concur with Dee, that sometimes we all are just going through motions to get by, in many facets of living.
You remind me that we have to be listening carefully to ourselves, and sometimes to others, to catch the message that might be lost upon us otherwise. You have self-awareness, and that is a real feather to carry. Thank you for sharing your feelings here.
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