Canuckleman45

I have been gone for awhile, but back on again. I have had a few tiny relapses i guess you could call them. one or two beer here and there. Nothing big but i can see some old habits creeping back in. I never thought in a million years this would be easy, and sobriety would be a cinch. But I never thought it would be this hard. I'm terrified, totally terrified of a big relapse. The big one if you will. I would rather die than go back to my old life. I left SR in the first place to work on myself. Thought I had it undercontrol. Sadly I think I'm teetering on the brink of a full blown relapse. My support system is wonderful, but at the end of the day its up to me..HELP

dafunbra

Reach out, like you did here. Talk to people. Keep yourself busy. Remember vividly how bad it was. I know the one thing in this life I do NOT want to do is go back to the way I was. Read on here and in other sources how recovery is possible and the good things that come with it. Pray. Take care of you and cut yourself some slack over the past so the the shame doesn't become unbearable. You can do this, Canuckleman. I know you don't want to go back to the old life again. Remember, this, too shall pass.

Canuckleman45

The old life is not an option. Thanks for the reply and pep talk. One day at a time as the old saying goes.

dafunbra

Yes, sir. One day at a time. I've been to the point of literally going in 5 minute increments at a time. It passes, and with each day sober I have behind me my sense of pride, accomplishment and self-worth increases. I CAN do this. And if I can do it, you can do it. You're not alone. Make the journey with the rest of us making a strong go at sobriety and recovery. I had to make the decision and mean it that no matter what happens, taking a drink is not an option for me.

doggonecarl

You've been using language that seems to have excused your drinking... words and phrases like "tiny," "nothing big," "a beer here or there." But all that does is open the door to your addiction, which will keep moving the bar on what's a "BIG" relapse.

Take drinking off the table completely. Recovery wise, return to what worked. And for now, stay close to SR.

Canuckleman45

thats true carl. I have opened the door, and let in my addiction. very discouraging that i went for so long without a drop. then one day i let my guard down and was weak. back at it though i should never have stopped coming here either. SR is wonderful for support.

D122y

Can,

From what i have learned, i must continue to keep the horrors of active addiction fresh in my mind. Otherwise, the av strengthens and slowly lures me into a slip.

There may be clean addicts that live forever clean without coming here, aa, therapy etc, but i am called here. I sort of feel like the reason i come here is boredom, but who cares.

I want to stay clean forever by any means.

I hear what i want to hear and many successful forever sober folks keep the horrors of active addiction fresh in their mind.

By any means necessary.

Thanks.

fini

Canuckleman, it might help to reframe it as not a matter of weakness and strength but more that you have not found yet the "way" that works, for you.

ScottFromWI

Welcome back Canuckleman. It's really not about weakness - we all have the necessary strength inside us to be sober. It does have everything to do with being vigilant and taking action though. I too dropped my guard down after some good periods of sobriety and thought I was"better or cured. Of course having "just a couple" turned back into everday/all day binge drinking within a matter of weeks/days every time.

It's also about acceptance, at least it was for me. I had to unconditionally accept that I simply cannot drink alcohol without consequence. Something is fundamentally different about how my body/mind reacts once I start drinking - some call it Alcoholism, some call it addiction, but whatever it is I can't drink "Normally". And I can never change whatever that is about me either - i'm that way forever. Accepting those concepts as fact really helped me start moving on/up/forward.

Canuckleman45

i know im not cured. never thought i was. just curious? maybe? or perhaps thinking that one or two wouldnt hurt. turns out nothing is better than ZERO.

Canuckleman45

As usual. posting on SR has brought the anxiety level down big time. I sure have missed being on here lately. thank you everyone.

Bobbieka

Glad you're back, C. This is the place to be.

Anna

I'm glad you're back here and seeking support. That's a good thing.

Canuckleman45

yes it is. I'm glad to be back i need this

Dee74

As long as you accept that, believe it, and let your actions always reflect that belief you can't go far wrong canuckleman

D

Canuckleman45

Thanks Dee