Horatio48

After four sober months - characterized by discipline, hard work and commitment - I crashed badly. A major and unexpected professional set back was the trigger. I went into a "what's the point" and "nothing really matters in the end" mode. Started drinking, couldn't stop. Got on a plane. Drunk. Travelled half way across the world (drunk) and checked myself into a rehab facility. One week of inpatient rehab (first time) with intense group therapy (first time). Then one week of one-on-one counselling with my therapist.

One month sober now. Very depressed. So am seeing what I can do about that. Trying various drugs. Working out. But am spiritually in a bad place and mentally very down.

I know I should be grateful for what I have. But it's hard at the moment.

Focused on staying sober. And I know that it will probably get easier with time. For the moment I am in a place where I cannot see how I will ever attach meaning to things anymore.

Season's greetings to everyone. Enjoy the holidays.

doggonecarl

Relapses take a greater toll every time you succumb to one. I hope rehab has given you some coping tools to get through the "F-it" moments that are bound to arise.

The key to sobriety? You said it yourself...discipline, hard work and commitment.

Good luck.

Ekohe

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a rough go, but from my perspective you should be proud of yourself, for the tenacity you're showing and that you've made it to one month. Just keep going at it.

Anna

Be proud of yourself for what you've done to get back on track. You're doing well and getting more tools to deal with recovery.

CupofJoe

Maybe it's good to feel whatever it is you're feeling at the moment and don't worry about what you "should" be feeling. Don't wallow, but acknowledge your feelings and respect them. Sometimes that can be healthy.

It's fantastic that you didn't give up. You did what you needed to get sober again and that's really admirable. Congratulations on one month.

And the quote from Hamlet is appreciated. That's one of my favorite plays.

Finalround

The one month mark seems to be a bump in the road for many, myself included. Sudden onset of depression and lack of energy etc. the initial momentum has worn off and we start to realize the enormity of what's ahead.

Try to keep things simple for now. Quiet the big thoughts. Focus on the moment. If your hungry, then eat. If you are tired, then rest. The more complex things will be there when your ready.

Hot chocolate was the simplest stimulus I would indulge at that time. Something about that first sip that made everything else fade into the background.

Stay strong. You can get through.

Dee74

I'm glad to hear from you and to hear you're sober again Horatio. I hope, with time, you'll feel less and less depressed.

D

Hope1989

Getting into that plane shows that you have love for yourself and the desire to get better.

Don't beat yourself up. And to be honest life continues and time passes, you'll feel better, I mean it will come, it's unavoidable.

Great work.

Horatio48

Thank you - my SR friends. Felt much better after reading your thoughtful responses. Although I still feel a bit like the melancholic Danish Prince ("how weary, stale, flat and unprofitable seem to me all the uses of this world") - and events always appear to be conspiring to make things look worse when you are in this frame of mind - I am trying just to "be" for a while. That's no way to live. But I hope the drugs start to work and with the passage of time I feel better and more positive.

Numblady

Rooting for you. And hoping you may find some slight solace in the simplicity of the fact that no amount of alcohol will aid in lifting depression. I hope the medication helps, that time helps, that we help, and that you find your way back to something beyond mere existence. I believe you will.

Horatio48

Struggling spiritually. Feeling abandoned. Trying not to think about the bigger issues. Repeating the Serenity Prayer. No danger of drinking. But down in the dumps. If this goes on for much longer I may think the drinking days were better. At least there was the drama of relapse and recovery. Ho-hum. Bring on 2019.

Dee74

I think depression is part of most peoples journey - either it was there before, or its there now due to the tumult of chemicals in the recovering brain.

Things will get better - you know this, I think
Don't let despair drive your actions, Horatio.

D

Horatio48

Had a new round of bloodwork done. All is fine - including liver enzymes and tests which were elevated after the binge. Only test out of whack is a pancreatic enzyme (amylase) which is still high - double what it should be. The other pancreatic test (lipase) is normal. Amylase was more than three times the upper limit on the last test three weeks ago. So things are moving in the right direction. I hope as my body physically heal, my mind will also find a new equilibrium. I still have negative thoughts. They are less overwhelming. I can see a small ray of light at the end of the tunnel. But this is just the beginning. A start of a new and better way to live. God, make me accept what I have and what happens. Make me never give up. Help me rise again from the depth of despair. Amen.

CupofJoe

Glad your blood work is ok.

Depression and anxiety are awful to deal with. If you stay sober, you have a better chance at actually healing. Drinking while depressed is like throwing gasoline on a fire.

I struggled with depression for years-it was so much worse while drinking, even if I mistakenly thought drinking was helping. (I was also drawn to the drama of relapsing, so I get that.) It was making it worse. I didn't get better right away after getting sober, but I made better progress with therapy once I sobered up.

I can say without reservation that things are better after getting sober and dealing with life, instead of drinking it away.

I hope you'll stay sober and continue to heal. Please don't let the ugly specter of drinking lure you back into its grips. It lies.

Best wishes to you.

Ayers

Hi Horatio

I think you were incredibly strong to up and leave and check into rehab.
Thinking of you and hoping you start to see the light soon.

Don't give up . Hang on and stay hanging on no matter what.

Ladysadie

Horatio, what gets my moods elevated is to get grounded outdoors. Literally taking my shoes off and standing on the earth, breathing and meditating. The connection we have with our earth can be very powerful. Try some good old fashioned Nature Therapy for healing (google that), where ever you are in the world. It will likely help lift any dark mood.

I often go for walks "up" a hill until I am fatigued and out of breath. Then the walk "down" the hill is its own reward. My drive home always gives me reflection on the wondrous feeling I get being alive and healthy. I also live around pines and juniper, sometimes I crush some needles in my hand and breathe in their scent for an added bonus. In the summer I grow herbals for this very reason: lemon balm, mint, rosemary, lavender.

Sending you positive thoughts as you start your new year = new beginnings.

Horatio48

Happy New Year to everyone.

May 2019 be a wonderful year for all of us.

My NY's Eve was uneventful. I exercised, cooked, had an early dinner with some friends and watched TV. Last year, I got quite drunk and had a very good time at a party. Because of withdrawals, I was drinking again the morning of 1st January 2018. Today, I am at work and focused. For whatever that is worth.

Struggling spiritually. Still fighting an unwinnable battle with my Higher Power. Still have my moments of thinking 'nothing much matters'. Was reading Walt Whitman's poem this morning, "O Me! O Life!".

"That the powerful play goes on, and you may contribute a verse."

Here's to 2019. And to contributing a verse.

JK130

Besides a new year, I think you should celebrate your power to reflect and act on self care. You know yourself - that will be a huge asset as your mind and body heals from your crash with alcohol. I wish you well

Horatio48

Still going through the motions. Joyless. In a bad place mentally. I will speak to my therapist about adjusting my anti-depressant or maybe adding another one. I do think about drinking - at least a couple of times a day. I do not crave it. I thought for a moment today that I should stop being so black and white about everything. That rather than giving up completely I should try moderation or weekend drinking. Insanity. But the thought did cross my mind.

One small step at a time. Still sober. And committed to staying that way.

loulou1981

Hi Horatio, u seem less low, deffinately look into upping/changing meds, could do u the world of good. Well done for ignoring the AV, im having a fight with mine right now!! We never learn do we!!!