Taking a temporary break from a parent - AGAIN
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Taking a temporary break from a parent - AGAIN
Hey guys,
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and is enjoying their time off! Mine was nice although i'm navigating a cold which isn't fun. Spent a nice relaxing day with my girlfriend yesterday.
I know that the subject of family this time of year can be tricky. Mine live out of state so i don't see them much which is definately a bummer especially during the holidays. It is nice to be able to use social media to video chat though.
So the reason for my post is the above and to vent about the relationship with my mother. It is very much a love/hate relationship and i'm afraid we're on another break. The anniversary of my brothers death is this month and my sister and I both posted something really nice in remembrance of him. I tried to lighten the mood by telling a story about my brother and how we used to fight to sit in this old, burnt orange kind of ragged looking but very comfortable rocking chair that we used to have. We all got a laugh except my mother she took offense to the post and sent me some nasty texts a few days before Christmas. She made the post about her and eluded that my post was about how she didn't do a good job providing for us. Good grief. She is totally self absorbed.
A little background on my mother. She has battled mental illness i think most of her life and has been verbally abusive to many of us through the years so my sister and I keep our distance. I'm just bummed but also a little relieved that i decided we needed a break. Honestly staying in touch with her even over the phone is exhausting. She is a very resentful and mean spirited person and i feel this is for the best. I feel like she is still dealing with my brothers passing and maybe has some guilt over not coming to the funeral. Who knows? Not my job though. (Serenity Prayer) Anyway, just thought i'd share to see if anyone else has a similar experience? Hope everyone has a Happy and Healthy holiday season!
Garrison
I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and is enjoying their time off! Mine was nice although i'm navigating a cold which isn't fun. Spent a nice relaxing day with my girlfriend yesterday.
I know that the subject of family this time of year can be tricky. Mine live out of state so i don't see them much which is definately a bummer especially during the holidays. It is nice to be able to use social media to video chat though.
So the reason for my post is the above and to vent about the relationship with my mother. It is very much a love/hate relationship and i'm afraid we're on another break. The anniversary of my brothers death is this month and my sister and I both posted something really nice in remembrance of him. I tried to lighten the mood by telling a story about my brother and how we used to fight to sit in this old, burnt orange kind of ragged looking but very comfortable rocking chair that we used to have. We all got a laugh except my mother she took offense to the post and sent me some nasty texts a few days before Christmas. She made the post about her and eluded that my post was about how she didn't do a good job providing for us. Good grief. She is totally self absorbed.
A little background on my mother. She has battled mental illness i think most of her life and has been verbally abusive to many of us through the years so my sister and I keep our distance. I'm just bummed but also a little relieved that i decided we needed a break. Honestly staying in touch with her even over the phone is exhausting. She is a very resentful and mean spirited person and i feel this is for the best. I feel like she is still dealing with my brothers passing and maybe has some guilt over not coming to the funeral. Who knows? Not my job though. (Serenity Prayer) Anyway, just thought i'd share to see if anyone else has a similar experience? Hope everyone has a Happy and Healthy holiday season!
Garrison
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New England
Posts: 1,224
Yes. My relationship with my father is very similar. I just tell myself and him, "dad, I love you, but you're a jerk".
3 daughters and 2sons. The girls can do no wrong. Somehow, he resents me. Doesn't speak to my brother, but most of us don't. He's the blacksheep of the family.
It's difficult especially as they are getting much older to be distant from them. I think that's all you can do is accept that it's not on you. I get the sense that you are a good man and a good brother and son. (I've read a lot of your posts over the years). Just know in your heart that you are and resentment from a family member is probably irrational.
3 daughters and 2sons. The girls can do no wrong. Somehow, he resents me. Doesn't speak to my brother, but most of us don't. He's the blacksheep of the family.
It's difficult especially as they are getting much older to be distant from them. I think that's all you can do is accept that it's not on you. I get the sense that you are a good man and a good brother and son. (I've read a lot of your posts over the years). Just know in your heart that you are and resentment from a family member is probably irrational.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 771
Just because someone is family doesn’t mean you have to deal with their nonsense. I havent spoken to my brother since I was 18 — almost 30 years ago — and I have no regrets. (I’ve looked him up. His arrest record indicates he hasn’t changed.)
It must be harder taking a break from your mom than it would be a sibling, but if she only brings negativity into your life, you do what you have to do.
It must be harder taking a break from your mom than it would be a sibling, but if she only brings negativity into your life, you do what you have to do.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I know what you mean.
I have recently decided to step away from my mother and brother--they live together--because something occurred, won't bore you with details, that finally, irretrievably demonstrated their enmeshed, co-dependent relationship.
My role here is less than, despite the fact that I help her a lot as she has dementia, has difficulty getting around, and requires a daily medication reminder.
So...I help her as much as is needed, but, for my own serenity, I have drawn a boundary.
I have recently decided to step away from my mother and brother--they live together--because something occurred, won't bore you with details, that finally, irretrievably demonstrated their enmeshed, co-dependent relationship.
My role here is less than, despite the fact that I help her a lot as she has dementia, has difficulty getting around, and requires a daily medication reminder.
So...I help her as much as is needed, but, for my own serenity, I have drawn a boundary.
I hope it brings you some peace of mind. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Boulder, CO
Posts: 419
Thanks for all the great advice! I've decided to take a break from contact and honestly i feel like a weight has been lifted off of me. I'm torn because she is my Mom but the fact is that she is abusive and has a difficult time controlling her emotions. Both my sister and I both believe that she needs to get some help. She refuses to so until then i have to protect myself.
I was out of town with my girlfriend and i did find an old message on Facebook from my other sister who is close to 30 and lives with my Mother and Stepfather. The email basically lambasted me for being a "worthless piece of ###". Why she called me this i don't think i'll ever know but i did do an amends last January to my Mother and Stepfather. I don't why doing that would ilicit such an email. I know that abuse can be passed down and i believe that she's also become abusive. Kind of sad because i remember my sister Cassandra as this sweet little girl. Oh well as i said above i'm doing what i can to protect myself from people that just want to abuse and cause chaos. I gotta say that i'm pretty proud of myself with how i responded to my mothers accusations and rant. Just Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. If i had been drinking i probably would have had the cops at my place..lol. Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2019 is the best one yet for everyone out there!
Garrison
I was out of town with my girlfriend and i did find an old message on Facebook from my other sister who is close to 30 and lives with my Mother and Stepfather. The email basically lambasted me for being a "worthless piece of ###". Why she called me this i don't think i'll ever know but i did do an amends last January to my Mother and Stepfather. I don't why doing that would ilicit such an email. I know that abuse can be passed down and i believe that she's also become abusive. Kind of sad because i remember my sister Cassandra as this sweet little girl. Oh well as i said above i'm doing what i can to protect myself from people that just want to abuse and cause chaos. I gotta say that i'm pretty proud of myself with how i responded to my mothers accusations and rant. Just Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. If i had been drinking i probably would have had the cops at my place..lol. Happy New Year everyone. I hope 2019 is the best one yet for everyone out there!
Garrison
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: New England
Posts: 1,224
Haha. Not funny but I have been here before too. Keep in mind also, your sisters perspective is going to be one sided. I too have been judged by my peers after they listened to a distortion of the truth (actually a complete fabrication) by my father without even questioning me about any of it.
Something I learned on my own and a valuable quality I teach my sons. "Character". Definition: it's what you do and who you are when nobody is looking.
i know who I am. My wife and sons know who I am. That's good enough for me. I suspect there is a bit of jealousy involved for you and I garrison. What do you think?
I'm proud of you too for handling it the way you did. Happy New Year to you.
Something I learned on my own and a valuable quality I teach my sons. "Character". Definition: it's what you do and who you are when nobody is looking.
i know who I am. My wife and sons know who I am. That's good enough for me. I suspect there is a bit of jealousy involved for you and I garrison. What do you think?
I'm proud of you too for handling it the way you did. Happy New Year to you.
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