Visiting relatives tomorrow-husband says I “have to drink a little”
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Sorry to hear all this Howlihoot. To be honest I'd tell him that staying sober right now is very important to you - much more important that appeasing any of his relatives or "keeping up appearances". It does sound like he's an abusive person and I'm sorry you have to be part of that - remember that you have a say in the relationship too. To me anyone that says I "have to" drink would not be someone I would care to associate with. I understand marriage is a whole different dynamic, but remember you can set boundaries as you see fit.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 33
last night, I did not drink, but had some gravy that was deglazed with red wine.
I have not drank anything in over three years, but although it was organic wine, and the alcohol was cooked out of it, my lips and eyes swole up. I called the hostess of the dinner and asked if there was anything else (salad dressing, spices) that were served that may have contributed to this. not blaming, just trying to nail it down.
I believe I am allergic to whatever was going on in the gravy.
although that ahole might call you out in front of everyone, you could always claim to have similar issues...?
I have not drank anything in over three years, but although it was organic wine, and the alcohol was cooked out of it, my lips and eyes swole up. I called the hostess of the dinner and asked if there was anything else (salad dressing, spices) that were served that may have contributed to this. not blaming, just trying to nail it down.
I believe I am allergic to whatever was going on in the gravy.
although that ahole might call you out in front of everyone, you could always claim to have similar issues...?
No Dogma Please
Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: SoCal
Posts: 2,562
So glad you're not going. Please let us know how it went.
What's more important to you, your sobriety or keeping your husband, relatives and whomever else happy?
They'll get over it. If they don't, you might have to distance yourself, at least for a while.
What's more important to you, your sobriety or keeping your husband, relatives and whomever else happy?
They'll get over it. If they don't, you might have to distance yourself, at least for a while.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
Its 2018 not 1818 Hootowl - you can do what you want, not what your spouse bids you to do.
I'm sorry your husband thinks like that and that he speaks to you that way.
It makes me sad.
Your husband clearly does not understand that one drink is not an option for we alcoholics. He doesn't understand the mental change that occurs and why drinking one and declining a second is like a fairytale to most of us.
But he doesn't have to understand - you do,
You know what happens when you drink.
Don't drink
D
I'm sorry your husband thinks like that and that he speaks to you that way.
It makes me sad.
Your husband clearly does not understand that one drink is not an option for we alcoholics. He doesn't understand the mental change that occurs and why drinking one and declining a second is like a fairytale to most of us.
But he doesn't have to understand - you do,
You know what happens when you drink.
Don't drink
D
Member
Join Date: Dec 2017
Location: United States
Posts: 2,547
Clearly, he doesn't get it and doesn't seem too interested in trying to anyway. It's OK. Go to the event (if you absolutely must) and when offered wine, just say "you know, I actually need some caffeine, I think wine will put me to sleep." If they persist, say "no really, I'm good." Smile. Keep the interaction simple and between you and the host. It will get much easier over time. You know that old saying, all you can control is yourself, not another person. Keep posting here, we are here for you and understand how hard it is. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Okay. What your husband says is not what you have to do.
Sorry that he is not supportive of your desire to stay sober.
Just take a breath. Decide how you want to proceed.
And do it.
I say make excuses if you have to.
I am on medication. My stomach is upset. I have a terrible headache and drink will make it worse.
This is a great time for you to flex your sober muscles, which are powerful things once they get going.
Don’t let anyone bully you into doing something you don’t want to do.
You are better than that, stronger than that.
you can do it.
Sorry that he is not supportive of your desire to stay sober.
Just take a breath. Decide how you want to proceed.
And do it.
I say make excuses if you have to.
I am on medication. My stomach is upset. I have a terrible headache and drink will make it worse.
This is a great time for you to flex your sober muscles, which are powerful things once they get going.
Don’t let anyone bully you into doing something you don’t want to do.
You are better than that, stronger than that.
you can do it.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Thinking of you this morning - i hope you stick with your plan to just not drink and get through the day - THAT will be enough to make it a stellar success of a Christmas day. Please let us know how it goes and how you are - remember that we are here to support you and help, and many of us get some or all parts of your situation. No judgment here - just that support.
Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 379
Originally Posted by Hootowlhoot 
Going to my husbands relstives tomorrow. He said I “have to drink a little and don’t slam it down like always”. But I don’t want to drink! I don’t want to restart my days. And I know by drinking it may lead to a total relapse (this is what happened about s month ago. I was sober for a good month or so, had sa drink and kept drinking and buying more booze for weeks after)
I’m so frustrated because I know this will cause a fight with him now. When I drink it causes a fight, if I say I don’t want to st a social event we fight. I’m at a loss...
I’m so frustrated because I know this will cause a fight with him now. When I drink it causes a fight, if I say I don’t want to st a social event we fight. I’m at a loss...
If my partner told me I had to drink I would refuse to go and tell her parents the reason why. Infact, I'd probably walk out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 119
Thank you all and merry Christmas. We got in a bit of a tiff this morning because our little one was up early so he was grumpy. He did get up but then I felt like he wasn’t being very kind to me (just gets attitude about little things) and called him out on it but he always blames everyone else. He said he is being nice and I’m being the crazy one this morning. Sigh. At least I am 100% sober and not hungover!
last night he had left his bottle of whiskey on the counter and I was clearing the counter to make more cookies with our daughter. I said can you please put this away (he keeps it in a high cabinet, I am only 5 foot 1) and he goes “just because you have a drinking problem doesn’t mean you can make everyone else miserable” I said no I just need be counter cleared, you know I like to clear it before I cook/bake. I think he is feeling insecure? He always acts like this when I get sober (this time I plan to stay that way)
getting ready to go to the Christmas get together at the relatives. I think when she offers the wine I’ll say “maybe later, may I please have some (insert whatever non alcoholic drink she has here). And obviously when later comes just say I’m good thanks!
Thanks for all all the tips and advice everyone
thank you for all of your support and concern. It is so nice to just come here and spill it all. I don’t have anyone to talk to.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!
last night he had left his bottle of whiskey on the counter and I was clearing the counter to make more cookies with our daughter. I said can you please put this away (he keeps it in a high cabinet, I am only 5 foot 1) and he goes “just because you have a drinking problem doesn’t mean you can make everyone else miserable” I said no I just need be counter cleared, you know I like to clear it before I cook/bake. I think he is feeling insecure? He always acts like this when I get sober (this time I plan to stay that way)
getting ready to go to the Christmas get together at the relatives. I think when she offers the wine I’ll say “maybe later, may I please have some (insert whatever non alcoholic drink she has here). And obviously when later comes just say I’m good thanks!
Thanks for all all the tips and advice everyone
thank you for all of your support and concern. It is so nice to just come here and spill it all. I don’t have anyone to talk to.
I hope you all have a wonderful holiday!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 119
Made it through christmas sober !!
I did it everyone!! Thank you for all your support.
in the car down he brought it up again ahout me having to drink. In the end we agreed I would take the glass, pretend to do the cheers and he would drink my glass when she stepped out of the room. We did this and I didn’t have a single drop of alcohol!! I’m so proud of myself.
on the way home, I repeated what some of you told me. I don’t HAVE to do anything unless it’s for the safety and well-being of myself and my family and I certainly don’t have to put something into my body that I’m essentially allergic to. Would you force someone with a peanut allergy to eat peanuts to keep up appearances and be polite? No! In the end he actually agreed with this and said he was wrong to have said and thought that way. If you knew him, this is HUGE. He very very very rarely admits he is wrong.
he received 2 bottles of booze for gifts and now they are sitting in our house. A part of me last night thought about taking some. But instead I did an exercise video and went to bed sober and woke up feeling great (other than the full belly from eating probably too much!)
thank you you for this community. I honestly couldn’t have gotten thru without you. I am so glad I finally posted. This sober time around feels like the real deal
in the car down he brought it up again ahout me having to drink. In the end we agreed I would take the glass, pretend to do the cheers and he would drink my glass when she stepped out of the room. We did this and I didn’t have a single drop of alcohol!! I’m so proud of myself.
on the way home, I repeated what some of you told me. I don’t HAVE to do anything unless it’s for the safety and well-being of myself and my family and I certainly don’t have to put something into my body that I’m essentially allergic to. Would you force someone with a peanut allergy to eat peanuts to keep up appearances and be polite? No! In the end he actually agreed with this and said he was wrong to have said and thought that way. If you knew him, this is HUGE. He very very very rarely admits he is wrong.
he received 2 bottles of booze for gifts and now they are sitting in our house. A part of me last night thought about taking some. But instead I did an exercise video and went to bed sober and woke up feeling great (other than the full belly from eating probably too much!)
thank you you for this community. I honestly couldn’t have gotten thru without you. I am so glad I finally posted. This sober time around feels like the real deal
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Well done.
It's common for people to be worried about "appearances" and it sounds like that was one of his concerns. Like he had some embarrassment about your drinking problem and was trying to make it magically go away so he would not feel uncomfortable. That's his issue. He'll get over it.
You handled it. Maybe next time he won't feel a need to jump through all those hoops just to save face in his own head
Because truly - no one cares if I drink or not. They may make a comment, but so what? What other people think about me is none of my concern. They're gonna think what they're gonna think. I don't elaborate on my not drinking.
It's common for people to be worried about "appearances" and it sounds like that was one of his concerns. Like he had some embarrassment about your drinking problem and was trying to make it magically go away so he would not feel uncomfortable. That's his issue. He'll get over it.
You handled it. Maybe next time he won't feel a need to jump through all those hoops just to save face in his own head
Because truly - no one cares if I drink or not. They may make a comment, but so what? What other people think about me is none of my concern. They're gonna think what they're gonna think. I don't elaborate on my not drinking.
Ocean Lover!
Join Date: Apr 2018
Location: You know nothing Jon Snow - UK
Posts: 2,604
That is great news Owl!! So proud of you!! Xx
I think it’s also a wonderful lesson in setting boundaries and sticking to them. I know I have struggled to set clear boundaries in the past and catastrophised what I thought the other persons response would be to me setting that boundary, that they would be mad at me and not understand. I hope that with him realising his mistake (which you mention is a miracle itself) you can see that setting a boundary and standing by your guns and not giving in has ended up really positive for you both.
Go Owl! You rock xx
I think it’s also a wonderful lesson in setting boundaries and sticking to them. I know I have struggled to set clear boundaries in the past and catastrophised what I thought the other persons response would be to me setting that boundary, that they would be mad at me and not understand. I hope that with him realising his mistake (which you mention is a miracle itself) you can see that setting a boundary and standing by your guns and not giving in has ended up really positive for you both.
Go Owl! You rock xx
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