Absolutely and utterly disgusted with myself
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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Absolutely and utterly disgusted with myself
im posting here because im too ashamed and disgusted to ever speak these words out loud and I am at my breaking point. My alcoholism is a dirty little secret that if people saw, they would be utterly disgusted by. I am living a complete lie. I work my good paying career Monday to Friday, go to the gym Monday to Friday as well and am a “stand up citizen” during those days. But when Friday and Saturday come I drink and drink and drink in my apartment by myself. God forbid I go out. When I go out...honestly I am too disgusted with myself to even type out the things I do. I live for Friday’s and Saturday’s. At this point those two days are the only reason I am living. I’m so lost and confused and I can’t handle this. I’m so so so so ashamed. That Friday/Saturday girl isn’t me. I need help. I don’t like being sober. I don’t want to be sober. I’m so lost god someone help me
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Washington
Posts: 241
I can relate Dontgotthis. I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore, I lived in self loathing, disgust, and self pity. I would spend so much time pretending to be this upstanding women, who dressed nice, and had nice things. But underneath it all I was hiding my disgusting vodka habit, well, until I couldn’t hide it anymore. I had to hit a total rock bottom, after years of secret and not so secret alcoholism. I scrapped myself off the floor and went to a women’s A.A. meeting. That was 5 months ago, and I’m living such a different better life now. I’ve met people who understand me, who I have told some of my darkest moments too, and they don’t judge me, they understand. I can look at myself in the mirror now, and know that I am living a life now where I am slowly getting rid of my secrets instead of adding to them. SR has helped me so much too. I log in every night. You can do this. It takes work, but it is so so so worth it.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 7,097
I promise you when you stop drinking the fear and self loathing reduces. It is hard at first btu if you are sober Monday to Thursday then that's a great starts.
Although you say you don't want to be sober you obviously do as are here
Have a look at AVRT Rational Recovery - this explains how we seem to want to get sober and stay drinking.
Although you say you don't want to be sober you obviously do as are here
Have a look at AVRT Rational Recovery - this explains how we seem to want to get sober and stay drinking.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 4
I tried AA. I was sober for a month. And while I felt good mentally and physically, I was always just thinking and wishing I could have a drink. It was all I thought of. I was bored. Had nothing to look forward to during the week. I got depressed because I felt like I had this brick over my head that kept telling me “you can’t drink drink, you can’t drink. And if you drink this brick will come smashing down.”
i dont wamt my recovery to be like that. I don’t want any of this. I just want to be normal. I went out last night and did some shameful things. I dont even want to live with myself thinking about the things I did. I don’t know what to do. I’m shaking because I have been drinking for three days straight as it is a long weekend in the country I am in. I can’t do this anymore. I go through the week fine but the weekend hits and I NEED a drink. Why???? I need a drink right now because I am shaking. But I have to work tomorrow. I’m freaking out
i dont wamt my recovery to be like that. I don’t want any of this. I just want to be normal. I went out last night and did some shameful things. I dont even want to live with myself thinking about the things I did. I don’t know what to do. I’m shaking because I have been drinking for three days straight as it is a long weekend in the country I am in. I can’t do this anymore. I go through the week fine but the weekend hits and I NEED a drink. Why???? I need a drink right now because I am shaking. But I have to work tomorrow. I’m freaking out
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by Dontgotthis 
im posting here because im too ashamed and disgusted to ever speak these words out loud and I am at my breaking point. My alcoholism is a dirty little secret that if people saw, they would be utterly disgusted by. I am living a complete lie. I work my good paying career Monday to Friday, go to the gym Monday to Friday as well and am a “stand up citizen” during those days. But when Friday and Saturday come I drink and drink and drink in my apartment by myself. God forbid I go out. When I go out...honestly I am too disgusted with myself to even type out the things I do. I live for Friday’s and Saturday’s. At this point those two days are the only reason I am living. I’m so lost and confused and I can’t handle this. I’m so so so so ashamed. That Friday/Saturday girl isn’t me. I need help. I don’t like being sober. I don’t want to be sober. I’m so lost god someone help me
I want to address one line in particular up there, this fear of sobriety.
I had the same thing, but I was associating “sobriety” with only the negatives of short-term abstinence from alcohol. Sobriety was the crushing feeling on Monday morning knowing I “overdid it.” Sobriety meant headaches, anxiety, the crushing realization that there are things in my life I’m ignoring — my finances, my relationships, my guilt or grief over past drinking.
I wasn’t scared of sobriety, I was scared of withdrawals. I was scared of doing hard things, and rebuilding a life outside of my workaholism.
Actual sobriety, on the other hand, is actually freaking glorious — and a better “high” than any amount of poison could ever deliver. Once you feel that, you may find that is the feeling you’re chasing... and not an alcoholic buzz.
Good luck, you can definitely do this. You’re already white-knuckling M-F, a good start for you may be to start a new responsibility or weekend hobby that requires you to be sober. CrossFit Saturdays? Hiking? Clubs?
Good luck
. Keep posting.
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Originally Posted by Dontgotthis
I tried AA. I was sober for a month. And while I felt good mentally and physically, I was always just thinking and wishing I could have a drink. It was all I thought of. I was bored. Had nothing to look forward to during the week. I got depressed because I felt like I had this brick over my head that kept telling me “you can’t drink drink, you can’t drink. And if you drink this brick will come smashing down.”
i dont wamt my recovery to be like that. I don’t want any of this. I just want to be normal. I went out last night and did some shameful things. I dont even want to live with myself thinking about the things I did. I don’t know what to do. I’m shaking because I have been drinking for three days straight as it is a long weekend in the country I am in. I can’t do this anymore. I go through the week fine but the weekend hits and I NEED a drink. Why???? I need a drink right now because I am shaking. But I have to work tomorrow. I’m freaking out
i dont wamt my recovery to be like that. I don’t want any of this. I just want to be normal. I went out last night and did some shameful things. I dont even want to live with myself thinking about the things I did. I don’t know what to do. I’m shaking because I have been drinking for three days straight as it is a long weekend in the country I am in. I can’t do this anymore. I go through the week fine but the weekend hits and I NEED a drink. Why???? I need a drink right now because I am shaking. But I have to work tomorrow. I’m freaking out
If you think about it - how ridiculously boring is drinking oursleves into oblivion every night in the house? Or going out and doing stupid, shameful crazy things. Drinking is boring. It dulls everything and stops us getting opportunities.
Life sober is NOT boring. Of course it means finding new habits/hobbies and plans but there's a while wide world out there. Going out and doing the same thing but just not drinking won't work,
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You were sober for a month and you said you weren't happy. I think it's important to remember that stopping drinking is just the beginning. I had to change pretty much everything about my life, including friends and activities. Early recovery is hard because it involves making some tough choices, but it will be worth it because you will be able to enjoy your recovery.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
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That’s the thing. I’m a long distance runner currently training for a marathon. So when I do my training during the week I “reward” myself with my binge drinking on the weekend. I pop three Tylenol’s and chug water before bed on Friday when I’m laying wasted on my couch, feel fine in the morning. If im having a good day I won’t take a few shots of vodka when I wake up. I’ll go for a run and then “treat myself” to brunch which includes at least three mimosas and two glasses of wine. I live in the city so it doesn’t help. I have isolated myself from people because I don’t want them to see me drunk on a Saturday afternoon. I drink alone. And then go out alone. Which gets me into trouble and potentially dangerous situations. I recently broke up with my boyfriend because he doesn’t drink and I couldn’t hide my alcohol use from him anymore. I know I can stop drinking. I’ve done it before. I just enjoy coming home on Friday or Saturday after a long run and having a drink. The only thing is I don’t enjoy having one or two or even three glasss of wine. I just want to get D R U N K. I’m sorry. I have to get this all out. Damn it feels good.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 68
I seriously can relate to this so much. I too don't drink during the week but Friday - Sunday it's game on. I don't remember the last weekend I was sober. And I too do stupid, hurtful things drunk. I too am ashamed 
Just saying, we are not alone in this, and at least that is somewhat comforting. Can you imagine if the pain you are feeling right now, you were the ONLY one who felt and understood it? That would suck even worse... So let's do this.
Just saying, we are not alone in this, and at least that is somewhat comforting. Can you imagine if the pain you are feeling right now, you were the ONLY one who felt and understood it? That would suck even worse... So let's do this.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 4
Thank you everyone for your kind words. For
me I drink alone. I LOVE drinking alone. I buy my two bottles of wine, throw on a tv show or movie and drink myself to oblivion. Its so relaxing. I love it. Usually I just wake up in the morning on my couch no problems. But I have the days where I drink and feel like going out. So I go out. And it gets bad. Like really bad. Last night I consumed a lot of drugs and I’m not sure what they were or who I even got them from because I blacked out. I don’t even remember coming home. And that scares me to the point where I think I should seek help. From a therapist, AA, I don’t know. No one knew where I was. I didn’t tell anyone. And this has happened before. I’m scared for myself. Once I cross a certain line, it’s over. I become a different person. And I’m starting to struggle with my identity. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be me.
me I drink alone. I LOVE drinking alone. I buy my two bottles of wine, throw on a tv show or movie and drink myself to oblivion. Its so relaxing. I love it. Usually I just wake up in the morning on my couch no problems. But I have the days where I drink and feel like going out. So I go out. And it gets bad. Like really bad. Last night I consumed a lot of drugs and I’m not sure what they were or who I even got them from because I blacked out. I don’t even remember coming home. And that scares me to the point where I think I should seek help. From a therapist, AA, I don’t know. No one knew where I was. I didn’t tell anyone. And this has happened before. I’m scared for myself. Once I cross a certain line, it’s over. I become a different person. And I’m starting to struggle with my identity. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be me.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome, Dontgotthis. I'm so glad you unburdened yourself & talked about what's going on. That really helped me with the anxiety when I first came here.
Drinking was once fun & relaxing for me & I refused to admit it when the problems started. You are doing that - so be glad you're being honest with yourself. I kept going, trying to moderate - until my weekend drinking turned into all day/every day drinking. I was even taking it to work or I'd shake & be sick. I never dreamed I'd allow it to get to that point. Please be careful with your precious life if you're becoming reckless. Drinking is taking you to a dangerous & unpredictable place. I hope you'll consider quitting & give yourself chance to get free of it. It takes time to get used to our 'new normal' but you'll be taking back control of your life.
Good to meet you.
Drinking was once fun & relaxing for me & I refused to admit it when the problems started. You are doing that - so be glad you're being honest with yourself. I kept going, trying to moderate - until my weekend drinking turned into all day/every day drinking. I was even taking it to work or I'd shake & be sick. I never dreamed I'd allow it to get to that point. Please be careful with your precious life if you're becoming reckless. Drinking is taking you to a dangerous & unpredictable place. I hope you'll consider quitting & give yourself chance to get free of it. It takes time to get used to our 'new normal' but you'll be taking back control of your life.
Good to meet you.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 83
I can totally relate to much of what you’re feeling and understand “not wanting sobriety.” I’ve felt that for a long time, even though I know that I simply don’t enjoy moderate drinking. Most recently I was just so sick of myself and sick of being sick of myself that I wanted out entirely. I also am a fit person with a good job and people wouldn’t call me an alcoholic, but I am. And I don’t even care any more.
Today, you seem anxious, the same as I’ve been in those situations. You’ve got to let your body recover. Drink water and tea, eat some healthy food, stay awake all day so you’ll sleep better tonight, and start formulating a game plan. What can you look forward to next weekend without drinking? Do you have any friends who don’t drink that you can make plans with? Especially since you prefer to drink alone, having a plan to stay busy might help. Because you’ll feel physically, emotionally better after a few sober days this week, so get a plan together for next weekend when you might forget how you feel right now.
Much love, though. I can relate so hard it hurts, but I’m truly enjoying my sobriety now. I’m still early in it, so I’m being cautious, but I don’t miss feeling the way you’re feeling and I know that’s all drinking leads to for me. I hope you feel better soon.
Today, you seem anxious, the same as I’ve been in those situations. You’ve got to let your body recover. Drink water and tea, eat some healthy food, stay awake all day so you’ll sleep better tonight, and start formulating a game plan. What can you look forward to next weekend without drinking? Do you have any friends who don’t drink that you can make plans with? Especially since you prefer to drink alone, having a plan to stay busy might help. Because you’ll feel physically, emotionally better after a few sober days this week, so get a plan together for next weekend when you might forget how you feel right now.
Much love, though. I can relate so hard it hurts, but I’m truly enjoying my sobriety now. I’m still early in it, so I’m being cautious, but I don’t miss feeling the way you’re feeling and I know that’s all drinking leads to for me. I hope you feel better soon.
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Join Date: Jan 2019
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 500
I can relate. I was, and am, a model citizen and employee during the week. I'm "the boss" at work, so even if I do show up smelling like alcohol (from the night before) no one would mention it. I lived for the weekend as well.
When I got off Friday at 5, I would buy 1.75L of vodka, plus 350ml sometimes because God forbid I'd run out when they're closed Sunday. I would then go to the grocery and get a bunch of non-healthy food that I can easily heat up when drunk. This way, when I got home with my binge supplies, I wouldn't have to step foot outside my house until Monday morning for work. How pathetic. I would look forward to the weekend where I can be drunk and blacked out the entire time....simply disgusting and PATHETIC. What a waste of life I was.
When I got off Friday at 5, I would buy 1.75L of vodka, plus 350ml sometimes because God forbid I'd run out when they're closed Sunday. I would then go to the grocery and get a bunch of non-healthy food that I can easily heat up when drunk. This way, when I got home with my binge supplies, I wouldn't have to step foot outside my house until Monday morning for work. How pathetic. I would look forward to the weekend where I can be drunk and blacked out the entire time....simply disgusting and PATHETIC. What a waste of life I was.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 268
I can certainly relate. I discovered that drinking is even more enjoyable when done alone. No one to scrutinize you and no witnesses to abhorrent behaviour. I am like you. I can drink at home or go out alone in a big city. I often don't remember what I did or where I was. Will buy drugs randomly. I can spend ridiculous amounts of money and have nothing to show for it except hazy memories. I have spent days holed up inside my apartment binge-watching TV shows while drinking. However, when I sober up, I can't remember what happened in the 10 episodes I watched the day before....
It is madness. It is alcoholism and it will kill us. I am only 17 days sober. Never stop trying!
It is madness. It is alcoholism and it will kill us. I am only 17 days sober. Never stop trying!
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Join Date: Mar 2018
Location: NY
Posts: 327
It’s a lot of work living up to that image of the person who works everyday has the illusion that their life is “so together”. Working out during the week, running training. And the only thought in our head is I can’t wait for oblivion this weekend.
I was there , except my weekend ran from Thursday to Sunday. Then Tuesday to Sunday then screw it everyday. My reward for anything was a drink, failure also.
When I finally put the drink down physically I felt god awful but that passed . Then came the restlessness, discontentment , self pity why can I be normal( if there really is a normal person) I wanted to drink this is so boring. It was a fight but I didn’t pick up.
Everything has change , your perception of things your reward system for yourself a drink is not it,as u said it’s 1 drink leads to bottles . It’s a compulsion 1 is too many and 20is not enough. Give AA a try again or another program . Keep yourself busy on the weekend, do not ISOLATE, alcohol wants you alone.
I was there , except my weekend ran from Thursday to Sunday. Then Tuesday to Sunday then screw it everyday. My reward for anything was a drink, failure also.
When I finally put the drink down physically I felt god awful but that passed . Then came the restlessness, discontentment , self pity why can I be normal( if there really is a normal person) I wanted to drink this is so boring. It was a fight but I didn’t pick up.
Everything has change , your perception of things your reward system for yourself a drink is not it,as u said it’s 1 drink leads to bottles . It’s a compulsion 1 is too many and 20is not enough. Give AA a try again or another program . Keep yourself busy on the weekend, do not ISOLATE, alcohol wants you alone.
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Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
Originally Posted by Kdon853
It’s a lot of work living up to that image of the person who works everyday has the illusion that their life is “so together”. Working out during the week, running training. And the only thought in our head is I can’t wait for oblivion this weekend.
I was there , except my weekend ran from Thursday to Sunday. Then Tuesday to Sunday then screw it everyday. My reward for anything was a drink, failure also.
When I finally put the drink down physically I felt god awful but that passed . Then came the restlessness, discontentment , self pity why can I be normal( if there really is a normal person) I wanted to drink this is so boring. It was a fight but I didn’t pick up.
Everything has change , your perception of things your reward system for yourself a drink is not it,as u said it’s 1 drink leads to bottles . It’s a compulsion 1 is too many and 20is not enough. Give AA a try again or another program . Keep yourself busy on the weekend, do not ISOLATE, alcohol wants you alone.
I was there , except my weekend ran from Thursday to Sunday. Then Tuesday to Sunday then screw it everyday. My reward for anything was a drink, failure also.
When I finally put the drink down physically I felt god awful but that passed . Then came the restlessness, discontentment , self pity why can I be normal( if there really is a normal person) I wanted to drink this is so boring. It was a fight but I didn’t pick up.
Everything has change , your perception of things your reward system for yourself a drink is not it,as u said it’s 1 drink leads to bottles . It’s a compulsion 1 is too many and 20is not enough. Give AA a try again or another program . Keep yourself busy on the weekend, do not ISOLATE, alcohol wants you alone.
What a great line. So true. The *only* reason I started to forcibly “moderate” my drinking was because I got into a serious relationship where I couldn’t hide it easily anymore.
Gosh if I still lived alone I can only imagine the state I would be in right now as I decide to quit for good.
Hope you are doing somewhat better today, DontGotThis. And hope this chat is helping you to develop a plan for today, tomorrow, and onward like it’s done for me.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Hi and welcome Dontgotthis
Your recovery doesn't have to be one of denial and your life need not be joyless
A lot of people are miserable when they quit drinking because they stop drinking but stay living a drinkers life.
Drinking was my fun, my reward, my problem solvet, my medicine - that had to change.
You needn't sit at home with the curtains drawn either. There;'s a million things to do that don;t involve drinking. If you're current friends need to drink to have fun, maybe you need to consider new friends?
doesn't sound like much of a reward when you factor in the consequences.
I was convinced I loved drinking too - what I loved was the break from stress, from responsibility and angst. I was a pretty wound up guy.
It never occurred to me I was drinking at the symptoms rather than the actual problem.
It's not an easy task but there are healthy ways to find balance and self-nourishment without courting oblivion.
I can't tell you how wonderful it was to rediscover a me I'd forgotten about. It made all the effort worthwhile.
I'm glad you're with us dontgotthis
D
Originally Posted by Dontgotthis
I tried AA. I was sober for a month. And while I felt good mentally and physically, I was always just thinking and wishing I could have a drink. It was all I thought of. I was bored. Had nothing to look forward to during the week. I got depressed because I felt like I had this brick over my head that kept telling me “you can’t drink drink, you can’t drink. And if you drink this brick will come smashing down.”
i dont wamt my recovery to be like that. I don’t want any of this. I just want to be normal. I went out last night and did some shameful things. I dont even want to live with myself thinking about the things I did. I don’t know what to do. I’m shaking because I have been drinking for three days straight as it is a long weekend in the country I am in. I can’t do this anymore. I go through the week fine but the weekend hits and I NEED a drink. Why???? I need a drink right now because I am shaking. But I have to work tomorrow. I’m freaking out
i dont wamt my recovery to be like that. I don’t want any of this. I just want to be normal. I went out last night and did some shameful things. I dont even want to live with myself thinking about the things I did. I don’t know what to do. I’m shaking because I have been drinking for three days straight as it is a long weekend in the country I am in. I can’t do this anymore. I go through the week fine but the weekend hits and I NEED a drink. Why???? I need a drink right now because I am shaking. But I have to work tomorrow. I’m freaking out
A lot of people are miserable when they quit drinking because they stop drinking but stay living a drinkers life.
Drinking was my fun, my reward, my problem solvet, my medicine - that had to change.
You needn't sit at home with the curtains drawn either. There;'s a million things to do that don;t involve drinking. If you're current friends need to drink to have fun, maybe you need to consider new friends?
Originally Posted by Dontgotthis
That’s the thing. I’m a long distance runner currently training for a marathon. So when I do my training during the week I “reward” myself with my binge drinking on the weekend.
For me I drink alone. I LOVE drinking alone. I buy my two bottles of wine, throw on a tv show or movie and drink myself to oblivion. Its so relaxing. I love it. Usually I just wake up in the morning on my couch no problems. But I have the days where I drink and feel like going out. So I go out. And it gets bad. Like really bad. Last night I consumed a lot of drugs and I’m not sure what they were or who I even got them from because I blacked out. I don’t even remember coming home. And that scares me to the point where I think I should seek help. From a therapist, AA, I don’t know. No one knew where I was. I didn’t tell anyone. And this has happened before. I’m scared for myself.
For me I drink alone. I LOVE drinking alone. I buy my two bottles of wine, throw on a tv show or movie and drink myself to oblivion. Its so relaxing. I love it. Usually I just wake up in the morning on my couch no problems. But I have the days where I drink and feel like going out. So I go out. And it gets bad. Like really bad. Last night I consumed a lot of drugs and I’m not sure what they were or who I even got them from because I blacked out. I don’t even remember coming home. And that scares me to the point where I think I should seek help. From a therapist, AA, I don’t know. No one knew where I was. I didn’t tell anyone. And this has happened before. I’m scared for myself.
I was convinced I loved drinking too - what I loved was the break from stress, from responsibility and angst. I was a pretty wound up guy.
It never occurred to me I was drinking at the symptoms rather than the actual problem.
It's not an easy task but there are healthy ways to find balance and self-nourishment without courting oblivion.
Once I cross a certain line, it’s over. I become a different person. And I’m starting to struggle with my identity. I don’t want to be that person. I want to be me.
I'm glad you're with us dontgotthis
D
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