Learning To Set Boundaries In Sobriety
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Join Date: Dec 2018
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Learning To Set Boundaries In Sobriety
Before I stopped drinking I always had difficulty asserting my personal boundaries. I wouldn't let people outright rob me blind or anything like that but if somebody overstepped their bounds with me just a little bit I would just let it slide.
The reason for that is twofold. One is that I didn't love myself nor care about myself when I was drinking so I didn't see the point in correcting minor infractions. The other is because I couldn't bear to have people upset at me, even if they were upset that they wouldn't be able to take advantage of me. I didn't love myself so I wanted other people to validate me.
About two and a half months into my sobriety (third round for me) I was working my program with discipline unlike before. While in the process of facing my demons and practicing forgiveness I noticed a strange feeling somewhere in the pit of my stomach. For several minutes my brain was trying to process the feeling until it tentatively gave me feedback:
"WeThinkNot....I believe this feeling is...........happiness?"
Imagine that. It took nearly forty years of existence on this planet before I felt inner happiness for the first time in my life. I quickly learned that having a lax attitude towards boundaries was not going to cut it if I wanted to maintain my sobriety and happiness. So I wanted to discuss personal boundaries to help those that might be early in their own journeys.
The first thing to know about my personal boundaries: it is not a democracy. US federal laws do not apply in my boundaries and the Constitution is not recognized. I am the supreme dictator of my boundaries and I will enforce them regardless of who you are or what history we may have together.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm a benevolent dictator. Until I have reason to believe otherwise I'll always approach others with consideration and kindness and be respectful of their boundaries. However if somebody violates my boundaries I will give them a stern reminder ONCE only to stay in their lane. A repeat offense results in complete banishment from my life and my recovery.
Just a head's up to those early in recovery...this will make some people in your life very angry. People you thought were your "friends" but were only around because they expected you to act the fool. They'll try to gaslight you..."WeThinkNot why are you being unreasonable? What's gotten into you?" NO. I don't answer any of your questions, you've repeatedly violated my boundaries, now allow me the courtesy of showing you where the emergency exit door from my life is located.
The road to achieve sobriety is always paved with lots of pain and tears. You've earned your happiness. Always love yourself first above others and never let anybody compromise who you are.
The reason for that is twofold. One is that I didn't love myself nor care about myself when I was drinking so I didn't see the point in correcting minor infractions. The other is because I couldn't bear to have people upset at me, even if they were upset that they wouldn't be able to take advantage of me. I didn't love myself so I wanted other people to validate me.
About two and a half months into my sobriety (third round for me) I was working my program with discipline unlike before. While in the process of facing my demons and practicing forgiveness I noticed a strange feeling somewhere in the pit of my stomach. For several minutes my brain was trying to process the feeling until it tentatively gave me feedback:
"WeThinkNot....I believe this feeling is...........happiness?"
Imagine that. It took nearly forty years of existence on this planet before I felt inner happiness for the first time in my life. I quickly learned that having a lax attitude towards boundaries was not going to cut it if I wanted to maintain my sobriety and happiness. So I wanted to discuss personal boundaries to help those that might be early in their own journeys.
The first thing to know about my personal boundaries: it is not a democracy. US federal laws do not apply in my boundaries and the Constitution is not recognized. I am the supreme dictator of my boundaries and I will enforce them regardless of who you are or what history we may have together.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm a benevolent dictator. Until I have reason to believe otherwise I'll always approach others with consideration and kindness and be respectful of their boundaries. However if somebody violates my boundaries I will give them a stern reminder ONCE only to stay in their lane. A repeat offense results in complete banishment from my life and my recovery.
Just a head's up to those early in recovery...this will make some people in your life very angry. People you thought were your "friends" but were only around because they expected you to act the fool. They'll try to gaslight you..."WeThinkNot why are you being unreasonable? What's gotten into you?" NO. I don't answer any of your questions, you've repeatedly violated my boundaries, now allow me the courtesy of showing you where the emergency exit door from my life is located.
The road to achieve sobriety is always paved with lots of pain and tears. You've earned your happiness. Always love yourself first above others and never let anybody compromise who you are.
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Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
I have also had problems setting boundaries in my life, as I was seeking acceptance and affirmation from others as the source of my self-esteem. While I was drinking it was easier to cross my own personal boundaries for myself, all the time. I've learned to say at least, not this time a lot more.
Still, I think we have to be mindful of how we set boundaries for ourselves. It doesn't mean, to me, that if you don't do what I expect you to do that you have crossed a line. I don't think we can construct a realm of happiness by establishing personal laws that enforce how we relate to others situationally as enforcers of what is good for us.
As an alcoholic, I do have to abide by some absolute rules like not picking up a drink. If I break that boundary I am going to cause harm to myself and possibly to others. But that applies to me only, and I'm unlikely to banish somebody from my space for, say, repeatedly offering me a drink. I think I would handle that type of situation by explaining to the person how it makes me feel when the act of offering me alcohol applies. The risk of concrete boundaries is that we can become judgmental of others, I think.
These are just my personal reflections on how boundaries work for *me*.
Still, I think we have to be mindful of how we set boundaries for ourselves. It doesn't mean, to me, that if you don't do what I expect you to do that you have crossed a line. I don't think we can construct a realm of happiness by establishing personal laws that enforce how we relate to others situationally as enforcers of what is good for us.
As an alcoholic, I do have to abide by some absolute rules like not picking up a drink. If I break that boundary I am going to cause harm to myself and possibly to others. But that applies to me only, and I'm unlikely to banish somebody from my space for, say, repeatedly offering me a drink. I think I would handle that type of situation by explaining to the person how it makes me feel when the act of offering me alcohol applies. The risk of concrete boundaries is that we can become judgmental of others, I think.
These are just my personal reflections on how boundaries work for *me*.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,327
Just a head's up to those early in recovery...this will make some people in your life very angry. People you thought were your "friends" but were only around because they expected you to act the fool. They'll try to gaslight you..."WeThinkNot why are you being unreasonable? What's gotten into you?" NO. I don't answer any of your questions, you've repeatedly violated my boundaries, now allow me the courtesy of showing you where the emergency exit door from my life is located.
The road to achieve sobriety is always paved with lots of pain and tears. You've earned your happiness. Always love yourself first above others and never let anybody compromise who you are.
Excellent!!!
Thank you so much. You have no idea what a gift you gave me.
The road to achieve sobriety is always paved with lots of pain and tears. You've earned your happiness. Always love yourself first above others and never let anybody compromise who you are.
Excellent!!!
Thank you so much. You have no idea what a gift you gave me.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Thanks, WeThinkNot!! Even a little further along the path in recovery, I have to remember to set - REset - boundaries sometimes. It's so important.
Keep going - "WeThinkNot" is an awesome part of the program indeed!!
Keep going - "WeThinkNot" is an awesome part of the program indeed!!
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
The part I had trouble with is letting go of my hope that I could change people's behavior (other than my own). I was misusing what I thought were boundaries to that end. What I eventually learned was:
You need to stop doing xyz is not a boundary.
If you do xyz, then I will abc is a boundary.
You aren't dictating anyone's behavior but your own. The other people are free to choose whatever they want to do, but now they know there will be consequences. You have to tell them in advance. You have to be calm and clear. Then you have to actually DO abc when the boundary is violated.
It's hard, but ultimately it makes life easier!
Well done!
You need to stop doing xyz is not a boundary.
If you do xyz, then I will abc is a boundary.
You aren't dictating anyone's behavior but your own. The other people are free to choose whatever they want to do, but now they know there will be consequences. You have to tell them in advance. You have to be calm and clear. Then you have to actually DO abc when the boundary is violated.
It's hard, but ultimately it makes life easier!
Well done!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 14,899
I think that setting boundaries is related to being assertive, and I'm still working on improving my technique.
In the home I grew up in, it was safer to be quiet and blend into the drapes to avoid my sometimes volatile father. So I didn't develop some skills early on.
When I was a young man I learned to become assertive, and consider myself very assertive today.
However, I'm not real smooth at it. If you measure assertive behavior on a scale from 1 - 10, with 1 being gentle reminders and 10 being all out aggression, I go from 1 , 2 or 3 directly to levels 8 or 9. I have trouble with the more nuanced steps of 4, 5, 6 and 7. (My wife might describe this as being a nice guy who flips to being an a-hole too quickly).
In the home I grew up in, it was safer to be quiet and blend into the drapes to avoid my sometimes volatile father. So I didn't develop some skills early on.
When I was a young man I learned to become assertive, and consider myself very assertive today.
However, I'm not real smooth at it. If you measure assertive behavior on a scale from 1 - 10, with 1 being gentle reminders and 10 being all out aggression, I go from 1 , 2 or 3 directly to levels 8 or 9. I have trouble with the more nuanced steps of 4, 5, 6 and 7. (My wife might describe this as being a nice guy who flips to being an a-hole too quickly).
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