Am I helping or enabling?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 16
Am I helping or enabling?
Hi
I found this site in desperation and I’m not sure if I am in the correct place to be posting..I guess my question is more “alanon” related but I’d prefer to hear opinions from all of you sober/recovering/struggling victims of alcohol. I am not an alcoholic myself, but I admire all of you.
I am 31, my father has been an alcoholic since I was born with small periods of sobriety inbetween so this illness is nothing new to me. This past summer my dad went through a tough time and made a friend at one of his A.A. meetings and he was the greatest person I ever met. I fell Inlove unexpectedly.
He is 45 and was sober when we met. He was there for me and my family during a difficult time and I couldn’t believe how genuine and pure his heart was.
We started dating and he had slipped up once in the summer. I didn’t pry too much into his past because the man I met and currently knew was amazing, recovering and going to 2 meetings a day. I figured if/ when he wanted to share he would.
A month after that he slipped up again and his parents made him leave. Of course I told him he could stay with me (back in late August/early September) and this is when I really saw how bad it actually was. I was finding hidden pint bottles of vodka all over my house. He was sleeping all day. He was drinking while taking his anxiety meds and sometimes drinking 2 pints a day. He was different. Stopped eating. It truly broke my heart.
He ended up staying at my dads for a couple of weeks and kept drinking (all while promising to quit) his family was devastated telling him that he’s going to die, begging him to go to rehab. I learned that this was a pattern with him and has been an issue the last 3 years. He wants to stop. He prays to stop. He just can’t handle the withdrawal, vomiting especially. It wasn’t a good situation with him living with my dad and I was getting ready to move into my new place and I told him he could stay with me if he wasn’t drinking and made it very clear. The day I moved he stopped and detoxed on his own and was great and sober up until Thanksgiving. He slipped up again. Same patterns. I told him he had to leave and he cried that he’s stupid and wants to stop. He went to the hospital to detox and relapsed the very next day (this was only last week!) I told him to leave in the morning and he drove drunk to a hotel at 2am. Called me crying that he’s coming back the next day and that he will stop. He came back the next day and was even worse. I am getting no sleep, he’s drinking his life away, crashing into things in the night. Falling all over the place and I have to try and carry him. I tell him this is my apartment and he needs to respect me because I have thin walls and neighbors.
He said 2 days ago he was going to rehab and I said ok you have to be out in the morning and he left but instead of rehab he went to a hotel for 2 days. Who was there each day checking on him making sure he was still alive? Me. He called me last night at 4am that he was going to the hospital for his head and then I let him come back here. He was sober all day but he was throwing up and eventually gave into the liquor and now he’s sleeping. I don’t know what to do. It’s killing me emotionally and I know I brought this on myself. I hate to give up on him because he’s such an amazing person when he is sober. I know I can’t make him stop but what do I do? Am I enabling? Am I wrong to kick him out? Advice/tips.. please. I’m desperate.
-Danielle
I found this site in desperation and I’m not sure if I am in the correct place to be posting..I guess my question is more “alanon” related but I’d prefer to hear opinions from all of you sober/recovering/struggling victims of alcohol. I am not an alcoholic myself, but I admire all of you.
I am 31, my father has been an alcoholic since I was born with small periods of sobriety inbetween so this illness is nothing new to me. This past summer my dad went through a tough time and made a friend at one of his A.A. meetings and he was the greatest person I ever met. I fell Inlove unexpectedly.
He is 45 and was sober when we met. He was there for me and my family during a difficult time and I couldn’t believe how genuine and pure his heart was.
We started dating and he had slipped up once in the summer. I didn’t pry too much into his past because the man I met and currently knew was amazing, recovering and going to 2 meetings a day. I figured if/ when he wanted to share he would.
A month after that he slipped up again and his parents made him leave. Of course I told him he could stay with me (back in late August/early September) and this is when I really saw how bad it actually was. I was finding hidden pint bottles of vodka all over my house. He was sleeping all day. He was drinking while taking his anxiety meds and sometimes drinking 2 pints a day. He was different. Stopped eating. It truly broke my heart.
He ended up staying at my dads for a couple of weeks and kept drinking (all while promising to quit) his family was devastated telling him that he’s going to die, begging him to go to rehab. I learned that this was a pattern with him and has been an issue the last 3 years. He wants to stop. He prays to stop. He just can’t handle the withdrawal, vomiting especially. It wasn’t a good situation with him living with my dad and I was getting ready to move into my new place and I told him he could stay with me if he wasn’t drinking and made it very clear. The day I moved he stopped and detoxed on his own and was great and sober up until Thanksgiving. He slipped up again. Same patterns. I told him he had to leave and he cried that he’s stupid and wants to stop. He went to the hospital to detox and relapsed the very next day (this was only last week!) I told him to leave in the morning and he drove drunk to a hotel at 2am. Called me crying that he’s coming back the next day and that he will stop. He came back the next day and was even worse. I am getting no sleep, he’s drinking his life away, crashing into things in the night. Falling all over the place and I have to try and carry him. I tell him this is my apartment and he needs to respect me because I have thin walls and neighbors.
He said 2 days ago he was going to rehab and I said ok you have to be out in the morning and he left but instead of rehab he went to a hotel for 2 days. Who was there each day checking on him making sure he was still alive? Me. He called me last night at 4am that he was going to the hospital for his head and then I let him come back here. He was sober all day but he was throwing up and eventually gave into the liquor and now he’s sleeping. I don’t know what to do. It’s killing me emotionally and I know I brought this on myself. I hate to give up on him because he’s such an amazing person when he is sober. I know I can’t make him stop but what do I do? Am I enabling? Am I wrong to kick him out? Advice/tips.. please. I’m desperate.
-Danielle
No, you're not wrong to kick him out. There is a saying in the Friends and Family forums: Let go or be dragged. If I were in your shoes, I'd let go. 
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,913
I definitely don’t think you’re wrong to kick him out. Keeping him protected at your place isn’t going to stop him from drinking. More likely makes it easier. I am very sorry you are going through this. It sounds extremely difficult. Hugs.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 16
Thank you all!
I just discovered the friends and families threads and it seems they all say kick out. I just hate to give up on somebody, especially somebody I love. I also feel like if I kick him out (and god forbid something bad happens to him) I would continuously blame myself although it’s not my fault. I don’t know. It’s just so hard. I pray that he stops. I miss the man I met this summer.
I just discovered the friends and families threads and it seems they all say kick out. I just hate to give up on somebody, especially somebody I love. I also feel like if I kick him out (and god forbid something bad happens to him) I would continuously blame myself although it’s not my fault. I don’t know. It’s just so hard. I pray that he stops. I miss the man I met this summer.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
I'm sorry for your situation.
I have known two alcoholics just like your boyfriend. They drank more than I did, and I drank a LOT. It actually scared me how much they drank.
One went through three wives. The other had a beautiful girlfriend he was living with. Beautiful home. All he they both could ask for.
Thing was, they were amazing, talented guys when sober. But they ruined everything in their lives.
Many times.
One drank himself to death. The other is on his way.
I'm very sad as I write this.
I had to cut them out of my life. And I was an alcoholic, too. Still drinking. That's how bad they were.
I knew them both very well. I got them jobs. I let them stay with me.
They couldn't stay sober and both tried every thing.
My point is, no one was enabling them. They made their own choices.
Call it bad genes call it obsession. Neither could, or even had the desire to, change their behavior.
I don't think you're enabling him. It's a hard fact, but some of us are beyond help.
That's all I can write. I just know, for them, no matter where they were, there they were. Always with the same behavior.
Best to you.
I have known two alcoholics just like your boyfriend. They drank more than I did, and I drank a LOT. It actually scared me how much they drank.
One went through three wives. The other had a beautiful girlfriend he was living with. Beautiful home. All he they both could ask for.
Thing was, they were amazing, talented guys when sober. But they ruined everything in their lives.
Many times.
One drank himself to death. The other is on his way.
I'm very sad as I write this.
I had to cut them out of my life. And I was an alcoholic, too. Still drinking. That's how bad they were.
I knew them both very well. I got them jobs. I let them stay with me.
They couldn't stay sober and both tried every thing.
My point is, no one was enabling them. They made their own choices.
Call it bad genes call it obsession. Neither could, or even had the desire to, change their behavior.
I don't think you're enabling him. It's a hard fact, but some of us are beyond help.
That's all I can write. I just know, for them, no matter where they were, there they were. Always with the same behavior.
Best to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
I'm so sorry, Danielle. I think you should not take him into your home any more. He needs to straighten up and he needs to get into rehab. Only he can make himself do it though.
Maybe he will be encouraged enough to do it if he knows your relationship is on the line. But maybe he won't. Whichever it is, you should let him make up his own mind. Recovery is an inside job. Only he can decide.
The relationship is quite young, just a few months old. It's a risk to get into a relationship with an alcoholic who is struggling to get sober.
One thing that is positive is at least he knows he has a problem, has been down the AA road and so isn't an alcoholic in denial about his problem. But in the same breath I would say, please don't hang your hat on that hope. You have to protect yourself here.
Maybe he will be encouraged enough to do it if he knows your relationship is on the line. But maybe he won't. Whichever it is, you should let him make up his own mind. Recovery is an inside job. Only he can decide.
The relationship is quite young, just a few months old. It's a risk to get into a relationship with an alcoholic who is struggling to get sober.
One thing that is positive is at least he knows he has a problem, has been down the AA road and so isn't an alcoholic in denial about his problem. But in the same breath I would say, please don't hang your hat on that hope. You have to protect yourself here.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Hi and welcome Ditaliano 
The other side of the coin is - I couldn't have gotten sober if someone kept cleaning up my mess.
What happens to your bf or ex bf is entirely down to the choices he makes - not down to you or your desire to kick him out or or anything you might do or say.
I don't know if you've looked into Melody Beattie at all but her Book CoDependent No More was a real eye opener for me.
D
Originally Posted by Ditaliano16 
Thank you all!
I just discovered the friends and families threads and it seems they all say kick out. I just hate to give up on somebody, especially somebody I love. I also feel like if I kick him out (and god forbid something bad happens to him) I would continuously blame myself although it’s not my fault. I don’t know. It’s just so hard. I pray that he stops. I miss the man I met this summer.
I just discovered the friends and families threads and it seems they all say kick out. I just hate to give up on somebody, especially somebody I love. I also feel like if I kick him out (and god forbid something bad happens to him) I would continuously blame myself although it’s not my fault. I don’t know. It’s just so hard. I pray that he stops. I miss the man I met this summer.
What happens to your bf or ex bf is entirely down to the choices he makes - not down to you or your desire to kick him out or or anything you might do or say.
I don't know if you've looked into Melody Beattie at all but her Book CoDependent No More was a real eye opener for me.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 16
I’m not sure how to individually reply to each comment yet (I’m new, lol!) but thank you all!!
Ghostlight1- Thank you for sharing, and that is a good point that you make.. but my heart breaks reading that. It’s my exact fear. I am truly sorry and you are in my prayers. <3
MissPerfumado- You are completely correct. I can only help that he values our relationship enough to want to make that change, most importantly I hope he values his own life. And yes, this relationship is new.. the crazy thing is what when I met him I was in a relationship (unhappy) with somebody else. I walked away from a 7 year relationship. It would have ended anyway and I wasn’t looking for anything but that’s how special this guy is. It’s really a shame.
Dee74- His parents have kicked him out in the past and he lived in a hotel for 2 years!!! He finally has a chance for a new start. Wish he would have learned back then. I’ll check out that book. Thanks!!
Ghostlight1- Thank you for sharing, and that is a good point that you make.. but my heart breaks reading that. It’s my exact fear. I am truly sorry and you are in my prayers. <3
MissPerfumado- You are completely correct. I can only help that he values our relationship enough to want to make that change, most importantly I hope he values his own life. And yes, this relationship is new.. the crazy thing is what when I met him I was in a relationship (unhappy) with somebody else. I walked away from a 7 year relationship. It would have ended anyway and I wasn’t looking for anything but that’s how special this guy is. It’s really a shame.
Dee74- His parents have kicked him out in the past and he lived in a hotel for 2 years!!! He finally has a chance for a new start. Wish he would have learned back then. I’ll check out that book. Thanks!!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,778
but that’s how special this guy is. It’s really a shame.
Let go or be dragged. I was the alcoholic and I put my kids thru hell. I would not want you going thru that heartache.
Let him get sober for a substantial period of time, and then, if you still feel the same, get back together.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
OP - While I am sure the F&F forum is helpful, I think you are smart to go directly to the source so to speak by posting here. I am quoting from another thread posted recently by someone who is concerned about another drinker:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...m-drinker.html (Alcoholic or problem drinker?)
For me at least this really hits home.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...m-drinker.html (Alcoholic or problem drinker?)
Originally Posted by Eddiebuckle
One very hard lesson I have learned in recovery is that when I care more about someone else's sobriety than they do, I am of no use to them and I am choosing to make myself an emotional slave to their choices. In other words, it's a lose - lose proposition.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Gosh - so many of us relate and I am glad you are in our area, too.
I agree with plenty of the stuff above - and whether you use the word enabling or not (let's put it aside for a sec), making a choice for YOU is ultimately the question. What's this doing, worth, valuable for and to YOUR life? That's tough - I say this as a now going on 3 yr sober alcoholic whose parents never gave up (my 30s were a disaster and involved much financial and other assistance despite their grave doubts and plenty of folks telling them to cut me off). NOW, all of us are grateful they didn't.
BUT. I never stopped til I stopped. Til the day in that drs office when I was DONE. Somehow, for some reason (this time) I heard and GOT the message when he told me I had a year, 18 mo if I kept going. I decided then I didn't want to die.
That's what it takes for many of us - and only a few people I have heard with genuine, continuous, long term sobriety (I'd rarely say anyone has "permanent" rather we seek to maintain that) stopped drinking for someone else and didn't shift that to for themselves pretty fast.
Whatever you decide- take care of you and do your best to make these decisions YOURS.
I agree with plenty of the stuff above - and whether you use the word enabling or not (let's put it aside for a sec), making a choice for YOU is ultimately the question. What's this doing, worth, valuable for and to YOUR life? That's tough - I say this as a now going on 3 yr sober alcoholic whose parents never gave up (my 30s were a disaster and involved much financial and other assistance despite their grave doubts and plenty of folks telling them to cut me off). NOW, all of us are grateful they didn't.
BUT. I never stopped til I stopped. Til the day in that drs office when I was DONE. Somehow, for some reason (this time) I heard and GOT the message when he told me I had a year, 18 mo if I kept going. I decided then I didn't want to die.
That's what it takes for many of us - and only a few people I have heard with genuine, continuous, long term sobriety (I'd rarely say anyone has "permanent" rather we seek to maintain that) stopped drinking for someone else and didn't shift that to for themselves pretty fast.
Whatever you decide- take care of you and do your best to make these decisions YOURS.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by August252015
Gosh - so many of us relate and I am glad you are in our area, too.
I agree with plenty of the stuff above - and whether you use the word enabling or not (let's put it aside for a sec), making a choice for YOU is ultimately the question. What's this doing, worth, valuable for and to YOUR life? That's tough - I say this as a now going on 3 yr sober alcoholic whose parents never gave up (my 30s were a disaster and involved much financial and other assistance despite their grave doubts and plenty of folks telling them to cut me off). NOW, all of us are grateful they didn't.
BUT. I never stopped til I stopped. Til the day in that drs office when I was DONE. Somehow, for some reason (this time) I heard and GOT the message when he told me I had a year, 18 mo if I kept going. I decided then I didn't want to die.
That's what it takes for many of us - and only a few people I have heard with genuine, continuous, long term sobriety (I'd rarely say anyone has "permanent" rather we seek to maintain that) stopped drinking for someone else and didn't shift that to for themselves pretty fast.
Whatever you decide- take care of you and do your best to make these decisions YOURS.
I agree with plenty of the stuff above - and whether you use the word enabling or not (let's put it aside for a sec), making a choice for YOU is ultimately the question. What's this doing, worth, valuable for and to YOUR life? That's tough - I say this as a now going on 3 yr sober alcoholic whose parents never gave up (my 30s were a disaster and involved much financial and other assistance despite their grave doubts and plenty of folks telling them to cut me off). NOW, all of us are grateful they didn't.
BUT. I never stopped til I stopped. Til the day in that drs office when I was DONE. Somehow, for some reason (this time) I heard and GOT the message when he told me I had a year, 18 mo if I kept going. I decided then I didn't want to die.
That's what it takes for many of us - and only a few people I have heard with genuine, continuous, long term sobriety (I'd rarely say anyone has "permanent" rather we seek to maintain that) stopped drinking for someone else and didn't shift that to for themselves pretty fast.
Whatever you decide- take care of you and do your best to make these decisions YOURS.
Congratulations on 3 years! Your parents love you and want what’s best for you and I’m glad it was a happy ending. Thank you for your words!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2018
Posts: 16
Originally Posted by AAPJ
OP - While I am sure the F&F forum is helpful, I think you are smart to go directly to the source so to speak by posting here. I am quoting from another thread posted recently by someone who is concerned about another drinker:
For me at least this really hits home.
For me at least this really hits home.
i agree and that is very well said and relatable to my situation as well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: here, now.
Posts: 1,236
When I think back to when I was drinking it’s like I was a different person.
Except I wasn’t. It was me. Same name, same frame, same social security number,
The guy you met last summer is the same guy who is hiding bottles, lying, and showing up at your door.
We don’t have multiple personality disorder, we’re alcoholics. You can have both but one doesn’t equal the other.
We are power-less from alcohol. Alcohol isn’t powerful over us. If I get drunk and run over a child, I’ve committed vehicular homicide because I chose to get drunk and operate a deadly machine. That nice man you met last summer has chosen to behave this way. Yes he’s powerless but he’s chosen to make the booze powerful by drinking it when he knows he’s powerless.
Kick him out, lose his number, and move on.
Grateful for this post.
bexxed
Except I wasn’t. It was me. Same name, same frame, same social security number,
The guy you met last summer is the same guy who is hiding bottles, lying, and showing up at your door.
We don’t have multiple personality disorder, we’re alcoholics. You can have both but one doesn’t equal the other.
We are power-less from alcohol. Alcohol isn’t powerful over us. If I get drunk and run over a child, I’ve committed vehicular homicide because I chose to get drunk and operate a deadly machine. That nice man you met last summer has chosen to behave this way. Yes he’s powerless but he’s chosen to make the booze powerful by drinking it when he knows he’s powerless.
Kick him out, lose his number, and move on.
Grateful for this post.
bexxed
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
