sweetichick

My mother is a total wreck when I told her I was developing liver failure. My drinking has been going on for years. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. For Christmas she expects nothing except that I turn up on the day. I started again last night over my daughter's birthday in 2 days. They still want nothing to do with me. Thistime last year I tried to kill myself on Christmas Eve due to breaking up with my ex. I have enough alcohol to get through this day. Tomorrow I will try again due to my mother. Thanks for reading.

Dee74

Hi sweetichick.

Think about this logically for a second.

Wouldn't NOT drinking today be the wise choice?

It would be good for you.
It would be good for your liver.
It would even be good for you mum to know you're not making the problem worse.

Its only going to make your guilt and shame worse to drink today.

It's not going to make you feel any better about your estrangement from your daughter.

You'll feel the same tomorrow, and the day after. You;'ll have to face it sober eventually..

Why not try to face it sober today?

Not drinking might just be the start of a long journey to reconcilliation for you and your kids?

I've said it before but you really need to start playing the long game here sweetichick - dealing with sad stuff sucks...but if your only response to anything difficult is to drink, how are you going to stop drinking?

how are you going to change?

I really believe that if you faced things sober, using the support you have here and in other places, you'd be amazed at how competent you are in dealing with life

Give it a go. Today
D

least

If I were your mother, I'd be worried too.

Anna

Dee is right, Sweeti. The problems with your mother, with your daughter and with your health, are not going to go away. At some point, you will have to face things. I hope that today is the day that you decide to change your life.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear you are drinking again Sweetichick. It's somewhat ironic and sad that you'd say the you have enough alcohol to "get through the day" when indeed it's alcohol that is the reason you can't get through the day.

Why not give yourself a gift this holiday and go to rehab? At this point there's probably not too many other options left I"m afraid.

sweetichick

I am on the waiting list. Unfortunately I don't have health insurance otherwise I would have gone a year ago. This is so hard especially now when my mother is in tears.

ReadyAtLast

It makes no sense to keep drinking. You need to do this for you though. You've known for months that you have serious health issues and drinking will kill you. There will always be another reason/excuse to pick up. What is going to be different tomorrow ?

maybe time to stop coming up with reasons why you can't stop drinking and focus on what you can do . I know it's really hard but something different has to be done. If we don't do something different the results won't be any different

Helianthus

l would really like an answer to this question instead of it being ignored, why didn't you come here before you started drinking?

ScottFromWI

I am asking this as a legitimate question : You seem to have the ability to see a doctor on a pretty regular basis as you keep sharing news about things they've diagnosed you with. How are you a able to keep seeing them if you don't have insurance? And could you not ask them to at least help you find a low cost or cost-free detox or rehab facility? Or at least a counselor that could help? I don't understand the laws about insurance there, but I now Dee's suggested some resources that you would have access to.

Bottom line though, every single problem you have in your life is a direct result of your decision to keep drinking. Including all the problems you face today. You have the power to change that.

sweetichick

Sorry Hell. The desire to drink was just overwhelming. My ex-husband cut his phone number off so I can't even leave a message for my youngest daughter. I think now it was just an excuse to drink. I am feeling happy and excited about seeing my nephew's and niece. I haven't seen them for years. Focusing on the positive

sweetichick

General GP or doctor care is free in Australia if you are low income. You even get free glasses. Unfortunately rehab is high cost and has a huge waiting list. Of course nowhere near as expensive as private. It is all run by charity or institution so not part of the government. I think I need to stop before waiting for rehab. I won't last that long.

Helianthus

Thanks for answering Sweeti, a positive mental attitude will definitely get you far. l know this time of year is tough for lots of reasons l hope that you can put some coping mechanisms into place to help.

DontRemember

Why are you not upset about your liver test results enough to not drink any longer? Do you want the drink to kill ya? That's what it'll be if you don't quit. Just saying. It's your choice,obviously, just as it's always been.

Meraviglioso

Sweeti, l understand the wait, it is so unfortunate but the free cost care is often this way. I do believe that these wait list are flexible though. Consider that the list has people like you, who desperately need the care, and others who maybe presented with less catastrophic circumstances but were put on the list as kind of a preventative measure. If you are not pushing, calling and stating your case for just how important this is you might get shifted to the "less urgent" section of the list. You need to regularly call and inquire about where you are on the list, make it clear that this is a critical need for you and update them on your medical condition and problems that are arising due to your alcohol abuse.

Of course your mother is upset and worried about you. I imagine others close to you feel the same way. I know many of us here on the internet feel the same way. But all the upset people in the world cannot change you, only you can do that for yourself.

Soberwolf

Praying for you darling together we can all help to get through this - Don't be a statistic I don't know you personally but this echo of yours has to get louder

Go hospital imo & take someone who will vouch and willingly admit yourself until they can speed up the process even if it means still waiting you need you to save your life today hun

I'll be thinking of you and I will pray x

MantaLady

Blaming other people/situations for the reasons you drink and then only staying sober for other people isn't a solid foundation for recovery. Until you want to stay sober for yourself your recovery or drunken state is being driven by things you cannot control and that is not going to work. You have proved this to yourself time and time again.

I have no further advice to offer you Sweetie, you have tons of posts and responses from the lovely people here you could go back and re-read to develop a very robust recovery plan from. Denial is something we have all suffered from. You are still in denial and in that stage where you want to stop drinking as long as you can carry on drinking. I heard a good twist on that word being that denial stands for Don't Even kNow I Am Lying. When you stop lying to yourself you will be able to get sober and rebuild your life. xx

sweetichick

On another note my 19 year old is still going to nightclub. I think she is just rebelling and dealing with a lot of pain. It only takes one second to spike a drink. She told my mother she only goes for the dancing which I do not believe. She still wants nothing to do with me eventhough following in my footsteps. Nothing I can do except pray.

Pipefish

God bless, Sweetichick

Have often read your threads, and identified with your struggle. My list of reasons for drinking was a bottomless pit, and when one threshold of one reason was reached, another would somehow materialise, and on it went.

To get sober, I always thought you had to want to stop drinking. I'd even say, I wanted to stop drinking, and believe I meant it. What I actually wanted was for the consequences of my drinking to stop, They didn't because I am an alcoholic.

Getting sober was for no nobler reason than pure desperation, and fear. Some people call that a gift, and I think so, because I was pretty befuddled, and for that to cut through, that I would actually die from alcoholism if I did not stop drinking, somehow really got through. I recall looking in the mirror one day, and so clearly knowing I was dying. Did that make stopping easy? No, of course not, I am alcoholic, and alcoholics drink. I was floored - what on earth was I to do, when upset, depressed, happy, angry, when my response to life was to drink at it? Unlike the instant relief of addiction, that's the bit we get to learn about in recovery, how to live life under any circumstances, not only the ones I prefer or can cope with.

Landing on your knees that way is a good place to start from though, I have found. I used AA to get a routine in my day, to be of use by making tea, being part of, nothing heavy, nothing spectacular, pretty ordinary, and ordinary for me was a miracle. Keeping it going was even more miraculous. There are miracles in AA, and in addiction generally. We see people recover for whom life did not seem possible. Sadly though, there is no magic wand, and not all of us recover.

Leave you with this. I realised I didn't have to be pleased about not drinking, but what I did have to do was find another way to live & stick with it no matter what. I found that through AA. I know from reading your threads you have tried AA, but it could be worth another go......

It sounds like your mother loves you very much. I hope you are able to enjoy Christmas with your family.

tomsteve

sweeti,take this how ya want, but once again all talk of drama and excuses and no talk of solutions for the drinking. this is how its been for the 2 years youve been here- nothing has changed. there has been a thousand excuses to drink AND a thousand excuses why this,that,and the other doesnt or wont work to help you stop drinking over the last 2 years. thousands of replies with great adise about the drinking yet no action. thousands of people have reached out to help and yet...........
once again you were able to get to a store but not to AA.
im going out on a limb and say ya havent looked into the rehab options you mentioned lookin into a short time ago,too.

so- do you want to stop drinking for good?
if so, are you willing to go to ANY length to stop drinking for good?

im completely amazed still at how much drama i no longer have in my life. still have the same life happening but its no longer dramatic nor drink worthy.
im going through a time right now where 2 close friends died within the last 3 weeks, a relative is in the hospital after a suicide attempt, an uncle( my dads last living brother) in and out of the hospital for the last month, hot water heater needs to be replaced, roof decided to start leaking again,cars breaking down and its cold to be crawlin under cars to fix em, and my old body hurts.
and yet- its just life on lifes terms and nothin to drink over.
being able to live life on lifes terms is available to you,too but comin here and posting all this isnt the solution-there will be another drama trauma next week or there will be life on lifes terms next week- its your choice.
hope you choose to get into recovery.

August252015

Oh sweeti, I am so sad to hear this. Being completely honest with you? I stopped reading your threads bc it hurt so much. I think the title with liver failure in it is what made me read this one -too much of where I was headed I really hoped to hear that meant you had stopped.

It's up to you but all I can say is it sounds like quit or die time. You know what we want for you.