Livingonwishes

So here I am.... Coming up to my 3 weeks sober (still a long way from my personal best of 6 months but one thing and one day at a time as this time it was my choice and not by necessity!)

So 3 weeks on Saturday... How do I feel? I wish I knew. I keep forgetting about this site, I keep forgetting whether I have taken my meds and if I didn't write appointments etc in my diary I'd forget about those as well.

I decided to do this all on my own as I couldn't wait for the opportunity to arise for me to do a Detox without losing some one very important to me. But maybe 'Cold Turkey' wasn't the best choice but if I can get through it all then life will be better, well I hope.

I am living day to day... AA on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday... Addaction fortnightly with Relapse Prevention sessions in between and various appointments to be assessed for meds and whether I need counselling... Is that better than when I was drinking and not caring? Should I have waited until I could have a proper Detox at the end of February and then had the after care to help me?


There are 2 kinds of people I have spoken to regarding this.... The first kind think I am brave and have amazing will power and that I will come out of it stronger and better than I would if I had waited for detox... Then there are those that think I am playing Russian roulette with my life, that what I have done is dangerous and I could relapse or worse at any point without professional help... So confusing... And on top of all that I have suddenly discovered I have emotions.. I care about me, I love other people... I suddenly find I need to be there emotionally as well as physically....


The person I didn't want to lose may be getting feed up with me because I have had no control over my moods, although I am now taking a mood stabiliser but as it is early days I am worse than before I started taking them until I get through the first couple of weeks and I know that I am wearing her down at a time when she is tired and having to deal with kids and Christmas and all the meetings associated with wanting to be a sober member of society. I am so scared that by doing this I am losing the people and things that motivated me and mean so much me....


And how clumsy am I ? was I this bad when I was drinking?? I have crashed the car, been breathalysed (I was so happy to have that done, lol, as I knew it would be negative, Sad I know!) I have stubbed toes, broken doors, fallen over, dropped cups...Jeez, I don't think I was ever as bad when I was drunk....


So here I am... Sober.... But am wondering if my choice was right.... Should I have waited and done it all with back up and people there for me and all the meds to help.. And lost the people and things I really care about or was I right to do it all on my own? Will I be better off for doing it sooner rather than later but risking losing those people and things I care about because I am struggling without professional help?.... A friend of mine got drunk on my birthday and cried because she knew she couldn't continue that life and that she couldn't just go out and drink socially... I never cried when I was drunk but I have done so much crying since I stopped. Not because I miss the drinking but just because I have bottled everything up for so many years by retreating into the alcohol an letting it numb me and make me not feel... And to be honest I don't know what is worse.... At the moment I am watching my friend become what she was always meant to be. Something amazing and wonderful and fabulous and next to her I feel like a failure and so small and insignificant, I feel like she doesn't need me being so negative about myself and her recovery would be better served by me disappearing... Or is that just my mind coming to terms with my leaving the 'safety and comfort' of alcohol behind?

I guess I no longer know who or what I am.... At least when I was drinking I knew I was a drunk, an ******** and an alcoholic.... But who and what am I now?

The only thing I can say for certain is that I am forgetful, clumsy and struggling.....

Sorry for letting go so much, I had no intention of writing half of that, lol... But … Thank you for listening.

Anna

Congratulations on 3 weeks of sobriety, and I'm glad you're doing well. I think withdrawal from alcohol is often difficult and the main thing is that you have gotten through it.

I felt lost, too and I still remember that I wasn't sure who I was. I did know that I wasn't who I thought I was. But, slowly and surely, I began to hear the little voice inside, which would keep me on track. I began to learn things about myself.

I will just offer a bit of advice. I agree that you are not in control of the moods and feelings that you are experiencing. But, you are in control as to whether or not you express those emotions. Try to see the feelings as just feelings and allow them to come and then let them go.

TheHook210

Livingonwishes

Thanks.... Up until the middle of last year I was more of a binge drinker than a daily drinker but I went from that to a bottle of vodka a day and have been doing that ever since, well up until the 25/11.... I am just finding it hard to deal with knowing I could have waited and had more support...But as I said I would have lost someone special to me had I waited so I guess it's a catch 22, damned if I do and damned if I don't.... I am just glad there are people here that understand and even if they don't then they don't judge....

nez

I was all that and more when I was drinking. I am still all that in sobriety, but at least I know that alcohol isn't contributing to it :~) What a relief! I am just me and okay with that. Progress, not perfection.

MantaLady

If you’re not at risk for seizures or going against medical advice stopping before the detox from a physical well-being perspective then I would say why not stop now?

You’re already surrounded by and taking advantage of the support on offer, going to meetings, attending relapse prevention and getting assessed for mental health which is great. The detox only gets the alcohol out of your system from a physical perspective, it doesn’t fix your mind or addictive thinking. Counselling is very helpful but an hour or two a week, the rest of the time you have to do it yourself anyway.

There is no magic fix, or pill or single counselling session or detox that will stop you drinking. You have to want to be sober more than you want to drink and it really is as simple as that. Hard to do as all of us here understand as we’ve been there too. But, making the decision that alcohol is no longer an option as a solution to anything for you is the way to stay sober.

As for the symptoms you note, quite normal and I wouldn’t say there is anything wrong with you. I went to rehab but didn’t need a detox, I was forgetful, clumsy, emotional, confused and tired for about 6 weeks and many many of the good people here felt exactly the same way too. It’s also hard to diagnose mental health issues while someone is still drinking or in the first month or two of sobriety as many symptoms disappear or lessen after a few months, if those symptoms persist after a couple of months then they are better diagnosed at that point.

I think you are doing great and you are off to a great start! xx

Guener

I think that some of the questions that you are asking now seem to be moot, now that you've quit drinking and don't seem to be suffering any undue withdrawal symptoms. And if you have concerns about your health as it stands, you can go see a doctor for a medical opinion. Withdrawal can be a lot worse than just tripping over yourself. You also sound like you have a lot of support lined up right now to help you along.

Psychologically you are going through a lot of change, but you are asking some good questions of yourself. For quite a while I was pretty good at being a drunk, until I wasn't. You are giving up part of your self that eventually would cause you a lot more duress than you are going through now, so coming to terms with being uncomfortable for a while is a small price to pay vs. being what you were (becoming). For myself, there hasn't been a magic moment that tells me who I am now and what I will do with my new life, I am figuring it out as I go with some help here and from therapeutic advice. Give it some time, and things may begin to appear more clear to you than they are presently.

Others will begin to recognize that you are working hard to becoming a different person, and some may like it while some will want you back the way you were. I suggest associating with the former group over the latter. People go through a lot of different stages in their lives, and for you this marks one of those times.

Being here on SR is a great place to express your path with others and to learn what recovery can be all about.

Dee74

Hi livingonwishes

I'm assuming liek me you drank for years. Thats gonna take a little time for your mind and body to heal. 3 weeks is great but it's really just the beginning - it gets better

the forgetfulness - the irritability the lack of patience, the anxiety, the fear - all that is normal - you're not going through anything unusual as far as I can see.

I don't think it's because you 'did it on your own'. Some people need the professional help, others don't.

I did it on my own too -with the help of SR - and I'm doing fine.

I think support really helps tho, so when you feel down, remember we're here

D

least

Early recovery can be a bumpy ride for a while, but if you stay sober, it will get better.