Bought wine and booze for a dinner party tonight
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Bought wine and booze for a dinner party tonight
Nothing for me, of course.
But it was the first time I've been in a liquor store in a long time, guess almost 8 months, first time buying wine and booze since I've been sober. I had a dinner party for some friends at my place tonight so had to run some errands, including the liquor store, after work.
It was a funny feeling to walk those familiar aisles. I had the old wistful nostalgia come over me a couple times - just a lost, faded feeling of that neglected longing for alcohol that coursed through me and then left just the same. I had a moment of surprise at just how many different varieties and colors the poison comes in! Wow what a selection, what an array of means of obliterating meaning, purpose and vitality.
I bought a couple bottles of wine and a bottle of scotch. Good to have on hand if someone wants I figured. Walked home with them as I would gifts for someone else - nothing to do with me.
We had a really nice night. Everyone drank besides me. When it was time for an initial toast, I raised my can of seltzer. One friend, who I think wanted to ask me previously, looked at me quizzically and asked "Don't drink?" I made a joke and then said, "No not for me." His wife, who ended up having a bit more than anyone else tonight, and more than was good for her story-telling clarity, said "Cool", in a very genuine and sweet way.
Anyhow that was that. They all left and I cleaned up. Cleared away the dirty dishes, tossed the unfinished glasses of wine in the sink, stuck a cork in a bottle and put it in the fridge.
I'm left with a vision of my sobriety - like a huge powerful ship, an ocean tanker, speeding over choppy, turgid waters, slamming into and crushing through sheets of ice - regardless of what silly memories my AV wants to summon forth with its false retellings, regardless of how I might feel separate from others or on the outside or awkward at times, no matter who where how what when - my why is strong as the bow of that ship - I do not drink . I am sober.
Oh and I may have snuck a couple extra bites of the dessert. Sue me.
But it was the first time I've been in a liquor store in a long time, guess almost 8 months, first time buying wine and booze since I've been sober. I had a dinner party for some friends at my place tonight so had to run some errands, including the liquor store, after work.
It was a funny feeling to walk those familiar aisles. I had the old wistful nostalgia come over me a couple times - just a lost, faded feeling of that neglected longing for alcohol that coursed through me and then left just the same. I had a moment of surprise at just how many different varieties and colors the poison comes in! Wow what a selection, what an array of means of obliterating meaning, purpose and vitality.
I bought a couple bottles of wine and a bottle of scotch. Good to have on hand if someone wants I figured. Walked home with them as I would gifts for someone else - nothing to do with me.
We had a really nice night. Everyone drank besides me. When it was time for an initial toast, I raised my can of seltzer. One friend, who I think wanted to ask me previously, looked at me quizzically and asked "Don't drink?" I made a joke and then said, "No not for me." His wife, who ended up having a bit more than anyone else tonight, and more than was good for her story-telling clarity, said "Cool", in a very genuine and sweet way.
Anyhow that was that. They all left and I cleaned up. Cleared away the dirty dishes, tossed the unfinished glasses of wine in the sink, stuck a cork in a bottle and put it in the fridge.
I'm left with a vision of my sobriety - like a huge powerful ship, an ocean tanker, speeding over choppy, turgid waters, slamming into and crushing through sheets of ice - regardless of what silly memories my AV wants to summon forth with its false retellings, regardless of how I might feel separate from others or on the outside or awkward at times, no matter who where how what when - my why is strong as the bow of that ship - I do not drink . I am sober.
Oh and I may have snuck a couple extra bites of the dessert. Sue me.
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I needed cash back a few weeks ago and there was liquor store where I was so I went in and bought a single can of beer for my boyfriend and got some cash back from the cashier.... it was surreal buying beer again.... but then I actually forgot all about the beer in my backpack and carried it around with me for several days before I remembered and put it in the fridge. That would never have happened before! I had to laugh of myself when I realized I'd been carrying a can of beer around with me for days, I thought, "Wow I've really changed!"
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A friend of mine owns the package store that I frequented for many years. Haven’t been in months until I got a call at 430 am a few days ago. Someone smashed a window and grabbed a bunch of booze. I had to board up the store. As I walked through the empty store I had mixed feelings. Sad about all the money wasted there over the years and happy for not having that a god awful crutch any longer. Guess the guy that broke in really needed a drink even more than I ever did.
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Your ship metaphor reminded me of one of my favorite quotes less--
I too am flushed with a past-past I cannot and will not revive.
Not just the drink, but the friends lost to the present are ghosts my mental aisle.
One in particular who nursed his last bottle of whiskey and then shot himself in his driveway and bled out his blood alcohol.
Not trying for drama, but this has been the truth of my life with addicts and addiction.
It is a final grim story for some of us, while others sip with impunity,
safe within their net of blood chemistry and good decisions.
It seems as I get older, time and space conjoin with distance, to minus present moments with increasing velocity towards the past:
Stellar Friendship
We were friends, and have become strangers to each other. But perhaps this is as it ought to be - and we do not want either to conceal or obscure the fact as if we had to be ashamed. We are two ships each of which has its own goal and course. Our paths may cross and we may celebrate a feast together, as we did – and then the good ships rested so quietly in one harbor and in one sunshine that it may have looked as if they had reached their goal and as if they had but one goal. But then the almighty force of our tasks drove us apart again into different seas and sunny zones. Perhaps we shall never see one another again, or perhaps we may meet again but fail to recognize one another: our exposure to different seas and suns has altered us! That we had to become strangers to one another is the law above us – by the same token we should also become more sacred to each other and the memory of our former friendship more sacred. There is probably a tremendous but invisible stellar orbit in which our very different ways and goals may be included as small parts of this path – let us rise up to this thought. But our life is too short and the power of our vision too limited for us to be more than friends in the sense of this sublime possibility. Let us then believe in our stellar friendship, though we should have to be terrestrial enemies to one another.
Friedrich Nietzsche
From
ie fröhliche Wissenschaft
(First published in 1882)
I too am flushed with a past-past I cannot and will not revive.
Not just the drink, but the friends lost to the present are ghosts my mental aisle.
One in particular who nursed his last bottle of whiskey and then shot himself in his driveway and bled out his blood alcohol.
Not trying for drama, but this has been the truth of my life with addicts and addiction.
It is a final grim story for some of us, while others sip with impunity,
safe within their net of blood chemistry and good decisions.
It seems as I get older, time and space conjoin with distance, to minus present moments with increasing velocity towards the past:
Stellar Friendship
We were friends, and have become strangers to each other. But perhaps this is as it ought to be - and we do not want either to conceal or obscure the fact as if we had to be ashamed. We are two ships each of which has its own goal and course. Our paths may cross and we may celebrate a feast together, as we did – and then the good ships rested so quietly in one harbor and in one sunshine that it may have looked as if they had reached their goal and as if they had but one goal. But then the almighty force of our tasks drove us apart again into different seas and sunny zones. Perhaps we shall never see one another again, or perhaps we may meet again but fail to recognize one another: our exposure to different seas and suns has altered us! That we had to become strangers to one another is the law above us – by the same token we should also become more sacred to each other and the memory of our former friendship more sacred. There is probably a tremendous but invisible stellar orbit in which our very different ways and goals may be included as small parts of this path – let us rise up to this thought. But our life is too short and the power of our vision too limited for us to be more than friends in the sense of this sublime possibility. Let us then believe in our stellar friendship, though we should have to be terrestrial enemies to one another.
Friedrich Nietzsche
From
ie fröhliche Wissenschaft(First published in 1882)
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((((Hawkeye))))
Thank you for your post, less. Good to reflect on this stuff. You sound so strong!
I also visited the liquor store about a week ago to buy a bottle of wine for a “normie” friend with a birthday. I asked for a recommendation since it’s been a while and I’m no longer a wine aficionado (or snob). The retail guy suggested a particular blend that just happened to be part of their buy one, get the second for a nickel sale. For a hot second, I thought about what I could do with that second bottle. I wouldn’t even call it an inner struggle, which I would have had a year ago. I still went for the deal because after all I never pass up a bargain, and I still have plenty of normie friends, including my husband, to give that second bottle too.
Before my purchase, the guy also asked if I’d be interested in doing some tasting, which they were having at the back of the store. I just said Nah, I’ve got errands to run then I’m going for a run.
So many opportunities to drink and yet no push-pull dance. I notice my perspective on others has also changed. Earlier on in my sobriety I had two feelings about others drinking. I assumed everyone who drank had a problem like me, or I hated them for being able to moderate. I accept now that there really are normies out there, and I respect them.
As I was in the check-out line, the woman in front of me was buying a standard size bottle of vodka and a couple of minis. As she left, I saw her slip the minis in her purse. Who knows for sure what that was all about. But I saw a flashback of myself in that moment I’ve done that very thing! I felt for her. She looked worn and maybe a bit older than her true age. I wondered about her story.
It is great to feel sober strong!
Thank you for your post, less. Good to reflect on this stuff. You sound so strong!
I also visited the liquor store about a week ago to buy a bottle of wine for a “normie” friend with a birthday. I asked for a recommendation since it’s been a while and I’m no longer a wine aficionado (or snob). The retail guy suggested a particular blend that just happened to be part of their buy one, get the second for a nickel sale. For a hot second, I thought about what I could do with that second bottle. I wouldn’t even call it an inner struggle, which I would have had a year ago. I still went for the deal because after all I never pass up a bargain, and I still have plenty of normie friends, including my husband, to give that second bottle too.
Before my purchase, the guy also asked if I’d be interested in doing some tasting, which they were having at the back of the store. I just said Nah, I’ve got errands to run then I’m going for a run.
So many opportunities to drink and yet no push-pull dance. I notice my perspective on others has also changed. Earlier on in my sobriety I had two feelings about others drinking. I assumed everyone who drank had a problem like me, or I hated them for being able to moderate. I accept now that there really are normies out there, and I respect them.
As I was in the check-out line, the woman in front of me was buying a standard size bottle of vodka and a couple of minis. As she left, I saw her slip the minis in her purse. Who knows for sure what that was all about. But I saw a flashback of myself in that moment I’ve done that very thing! I felt for her. She looked worn and maybe a bit older than her true age. I wondered about her story.
It is great to feel sober strong!
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I'll be the Devils' Advocate, as I usually am ;-) It seems to me that this may be a form of "testing" your resolve lessG - which could indeed be your AV flaring up a bit in a sneaky way. I used to do that too - testing the waters by hanging out at bars I used to hang out at, or otherwise intentionally putting myself in harms way just to see if I could do it.
The one phrase that would really concern me is that you just bought the wine and scotch because it would be "Good to have on hand in case someone wanted it you figured". And that's right after you specifically called it "poison" in the previous paragraph. Why on earth would you think it would be a good idea to just grab some poison and have it around your house "in case someone wanted it"? Don't forget that there's someone living inside your head that could be that person who wants it ;-)
The one phrase that would really concern me is that you just bought the wine and scotch because it would be "Good to have on hand in case someone wanted it you figured". And that's right after you specifically called it "poison" in the previous paragraph. Why on earth would you think it would be a good idea to just grab some poison and have it around your house "in case someone wanted it"? Don't forget that there's someone living inside your head that could be that person who wants it ;-)
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I second what Anna said, both parts.
I am really glad it worked out for you and you feel good and strong. I know a lot of people can buy and serve and feel confident. My mom is one of those people.
I also like Anna have made my home alcohol free. I don't buy or serve alcohol. I have made exceptions for very special events or holidays, but ask that any drinkers bring their own and take any leftovers with them when they go. I relapsed over alcohol bought for a dinner or that left in my house after a dinner.
I am really glad it worked out for you and you feel good and strong. I know a lot of people can buy and serve and feel confident. My mom is one of those people.
I also like Anna have made my home alcohol free. I don't buy or serve alcohol. I have made exceptions for very special events or holidays, but ask that any drinkers bring their own and take any leftovers with them when they go. I relapsed over alcohol bought for a dinner or that left in my house after a dinner.
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I see what you are saying Scott, and I know you have been sober a very long time. However, I think Less needs to do what he thinks works for him. I remember a few weeks after I quit smoking a friend forgot a pack of cigarettes at my house. As soon as I saw it I broke the cigarettes, ran water on them, and threw them away. Six months later when the same friend left his cigarettes there I put them on the shelf to return the next time he came over.
Also, I am only 54 days in but I do want to test my resolve sometimes. I cant hind under a rock my whole life, although I pretty much did the first month. For example I usually watch football at my neighbor's house on Sundays. Always lots of alcohol and some drinking to excess. For the 1st four weeks I stayed home and watched football. A couple weeks ago I decided to go back over. The first time, just for half a game, then I decided I should go home. The next time I stayed for one full game. I found I can enjoy the company and not drink and I plan to go back again this Sunday.
Also, I am only 54 days in but I do want to test my resolve sometimes. I cant hind under a rock my whole life, although I pretty much did the first month. For example I usually watch football at my neighbor's house on Sundays. Always lots of alcohol and some drinking to excess. For the 1st four weeks I stayed home and watched football. A couple weeks ago I decided to go back over. The first time, just for half a game, then I decided I should go home. The next time I stayed for one full game. I found I can enjoy the company and not drink and I plan to go back again this Sunday.
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Originally Posted by Rd2quit 
I see what you are saying Scott, and I know you have been sober a very long time. However, I think Less needs to do what he thinks works for him.
I am quite certain the OP will do whatever works best for him, just like others here on the forum. We are all just offering our suggestions and sharing our experiences.
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As as always, I appreciate all the comments, thoughts and insight. I definitely believe that someone's sobriety is their own. It's like a personality or a religious belief. You have to discover it and nurture it in its own unique way.
For me, my sobriety has gone against many of the common suggestions and AA type tropes. I got married, had a new baby and started my own business all within the last year-and-a-half. There's no question that all those things have been challenging, but they both fortifymy sobriety and my sobriety fortifies them. I have no desire to have an alcohol-free house. I certainly understand and respect those who need or just want that as part of their life.
I see alcohol as a poison in relationship to my chemistry. I don't see it as a poison for each and every person I know in my life. I know many people who drink responsibly. I know others who are killing themselves slowly. Nonetheless having alcohol at my house or around me in social gatherings is not going to do anything in regards to my choice to never pick up again. I don't drink, and I never will.
For me, my sobriety has gone against many of the common suggestions and AA type tropes. I got married, had a new baby and started my own business all within the last year-and-a-half. There's no question that all those things have been challenging, but they both fortifymy sobriety and my sobriety fortifies them. I have no desire to have an alcohol-free house. I certainly understand and respect those who need or just want that as part of their life.
I see alcohol as a poison in relationship to my chemistry. I don't see it as a poison for each and every person I know in my life. I know many people who drink responsibly. I know others who are killing themselves slowly. Nonetheless having alcohol at my house or around me in social gatherings is not going to do anything in regards to my choice to never pick up again. I don't drink, and I never will.
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Great post lessgravity! I find myself sneaking an absurd amount of dessert in these days
In response to other comments, situations really are different for different people. I have a close friend who is a drinker, but doesn't keep alcohol in his house because if he did, he said he'd drink all of it. He drinks heavily when we socialize.
I gave up a few months ago, but in a house FULL of rum, vodka, wine etc. I still go to bars with friends, I host parties with alcohol, I get a rum and coke for my husband if I'm getting myself a cola, but I don't drink. I don't see this as me testing myself, I just think I was at a stage where I could give up knowing I wouldn't be tempted by the alcohol around me. I have a fully stocked bar and don't even think to look at it. It's for my husband and guests. I know plenty of people who are like this and plenty who aren't. We are all different. I can live in a house with alcohol, but I know I can't live a normal life if I decide to drink any of it.
In response to other comments, situations really are different for different people. I have a close friend who is a drinker, but doesn't keep alcohol in his house because if he did, he said he'd drink all of it. He drinks heavily when we socialize.
I gave up a few months ago, but in a house FULL of rum, vodka, wine etc. I still go to bars with friends, I host parties with alcohol, I get a rum and coke for my husband if I'm getting myself a cola, but I don't drink. I don't see this as me testing myself, I just think I was at a stage where I could give up knowing I wouldn't be tempted by the alcohol around me. I have a fully stocked bar and don't even think to look at it. It's for my husband and guests. I know plenty of people who are like this and plenty who aren't. We are all different. I can live in a house with alcohol, but I know I can't live a normal life if I decide to drink any of it.
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Thanks for the post LG. It is wonderful to hear the freedom you have reached.
I try and keep alcohol out of the house because I haven't reached a point where I am 100 percent sure of my resolve not to drink. I can see that if I was truly sure then it wouldn't matter what situation I was in, I wouldn't drink.
I try and keep alcohol out of the house because I haven't reached a point where I am 100 percent sure of my resolve not to drink. I can see that if I was truly sure then it wouldn't matter what situation I was in, I wouldn't drink.
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Yesterday I made my yearly trip to the liquor store for ingredients for holiday baking and ugh. First I feel guilty just being in the store. Then I see stuff that I enjoyed and a lot of memories whirl through my mind.
I did what I came for. Went home and baked. The leftovers will go to my daughter or friends who drink responsibly.
It's the memories that get me. I don't know why, I mean I can remember people, places and good times and not have to drink to enjoy a memory. I think some still stupid part of me thinks...yeah, it will never be like that again....sigh.
Then I remember the big picture and I'm like, whew! It will NEVER be like that again! Awesome!
I'm thinking that this will be the last year I'll do boozy baking. I'm passing that baton and I'll stick to the treats I can enjoy.
I did what I came for. Went home and baked. The leftovers will go to my daughter or friends who drink responsibly.
It's the memories that get me. I don't know why, I mean I can remember people, places and good times and not have to drink to enjoy a memory. I think some still stupid part of me thinks...yeah, it will never be like that again....sigh.
Then I remember the big picture and I'm like, whew! It will NEVER be like that again! Awesome!
I'm thinking that this will be the last year I'll do boozy baking. I'm passing that baton and I'll stick to the treats I can enjoy.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
I'll be the Devils' Advocate, as I usually am ;-) It seems to me that this may be a form of "testing" your resolve lessG - which could indeed be your AV flaring up a bit in a sneaky way. I used to do that too - testing the waters by hanging out at bars I used to hang out at, or otherwise intentionally putting myself in harms way just to see if I could do it.
The one phrase that would really concern me is that you just bought the wine and scotch because it would be "Good to have on hand in case someone wanted it you figured". And that's right after you specifically called it "poison" in the previous paragraph. Why on earth would you think it would be a good idea to just grab some poison and have it around your house "in case someone wanted it"? Don't forget that there's someone living inside your head that could be that person who wants it ;-)
The one phrase that would really concern me is that you just bought the wine and scotch because it would be "Good to have on hand in case someone wanted it you figured". And that's right after you specifically called it "poison" in the previous paragraph. Why on earth would you think it would be a good idea to just grab some poison and have it around your house "in case someone wanted it"? Don't forget that there's someone living inside your head that could be that person who wants it ;-)
I just don't need to go to a liquor store. Ever. Like Anna said, we don't have alcohol in our house- why would we? Didn't serve it t our wedding either. We spend time with both sober people and normies- and for exactly those reasons, no one expects alcohol with us .... or even thinks about it. When we eat out, totally fine w us if someone drinks.
I was what many would consider exceedingly and extendedly cautious about where I went and with whom I spent time, in early sobriety. Which truthfully, I only began to stop considering myself around the two yr mark. I have 2 yr almost 10 mo now.
At first I didn't go these places - I soon found I didn't want to.
Just my $0.02 and program.
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Your ship metaphor reminded me of one of my favorite quotes less--
I too am flushed with a past-past I cannot and will not revive.
Not just the drink, but the friends lost to the present are ghosts my mental aisle.
One in particular who nursed his last bottle of whiskey and then shot himself in his driveway and bled out his blood alcohol.
Not trying for drama, but this has been the truth of my life with addicts and addiction.
It is a final grim story for some of us, while others sip with impunity,
safe within their net of blood chemistry and good decisions.
It seems as I get older, time and space conjoin with distance, to minus present moments with increasing velocity towards the past:
Stellar Friendship
We were friends, and have become strangers to each other. But perhaps this is as it ought to be - and we do not want either to conceal or obscure the fact as if we had to be ashamed. We are two ships each of which has its own goal and course. Our paths may cross and we may celebrate a feast together, as we did – and then the good ships rested so quietly in one harbor and in one sunshine that it may have looked as if they had reached their goal and as if they had but one goal. But then the almighty force of our tasks drove us apart again into different seas and sunny zones. Perhaps we shall never see one another again, or perhaps we may meet again but fail to recognize one another: our exposure to different seas and suns has altered us! That we had to become strangers to one another is the law above us – by the same token we should also become more sacred to each other and the memory of our former friendship more sacred. There is probably a tremendous but invisible stellar orbit in which our very different ways and goals may be included as small parts of this path – let us rise up to this thought. But our life is too short and the power of our vision too limited for us to be more than friends in the sense of this sublime possibility. Let us then believe in our stellar friendship, though we should have to be terrestrial enemies to one another.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Fromie fröhliche Wissenschaft
(First published in 1882)
I too am flushed with a past-past I cannot and will not revive.
Not just the drink, but the friends lost to the present are ghosts my mental aisle.
One in particular who nursed his last bottle of whiskey and then shot himself in his driveway and bled out his blood alcohol.
Not trying for drama, but this has been the truth of my life with addicts and addiction.
It is a final grim story for some of us, while others sip with impunity,
safe within their net of blood chemistry and good decisions.
It seems as I get older, time and space conjoin with distance, to minus present moments with increasing velocity towards the past:
Stellar Friendship
We were friends, and have become strangers to each other. But perhaps this is as it ought to be - and we do not want either to conceal or obscure the fact as if we had to be ashamed. We are two ships each of which has its own goal and course. Our paths may cross and we may celebrate a feast together, as we did – and then the good ships rested so quietly in one harbor and in one sunshine that it may have looked as if they had reached their goal and as if they had but one goal. But then the almighty force of our tasks drove us apart again into different seas and sunny zones. Perhaps we shall never see one another again, or perhaps we may meet again but fail to recognize one another: our exposure to different seas and suns has altered us! That we had to become strangers to one another is the law above us – by the same token we should also become more sacred to each other and the memory of our former friendship more sacred. There is probably a tremendous but invisible stellar orbit in which our very different ways and goals may be included as small parts of this path – let us rise up to this thought. But our life is too short and the power of our vision too limited for us to be more than friends in the sense of this sublime possibility. Let us then believe in our stellar friendship, though we should have to be terrestrial enemies to one another.
Friedrich Nietzsche
From
ie fröhliche Wissenschaft(First published in 1882)
And I appreciate it of course everyone's thoughts on this matter. I think it's important to share different perspectives, as becoming part of society who drinks or who has alcohol around is going to be a part of many of our lives. Whether we choose to to what I've chosen to do or something more similar to which Scott or August has done, it's just up to each individual person. I don't have a bone of temptation in my body. I know I don't drink. So it's okay. For others I understand that's not the smartest thing. We all have each path that we must walk.
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