Breaking up with friends
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Breaking up with friends
When I stopped drinking, I knew it would affect some of my friendships. And it has. I had a whole circle of partying friends, three girls who are no longer in my life. I’m fine being around others drinking moderately. However, it makes me uncomfortable when others are getting slammed around me. It’s not that I want to get slammed with them. It’s just not my life anymore and frankly, I’m disgusted by middle age women getting wasted. I also believe my lack of drinking made them uncomfortable with their own drinking.
Anyway, I have a friend with long term sobriety who’s been in my life for about 20 years. She was sober long before I got sober. When I stopped drinking, I thought it was great that I already had her as a sober friend. Except now I realize that I really can’t stand her! I never could. In fact, I think just being around her made me want to drink! She has the most intense aggressive personality. I feel criticized and demeaned by her. She is strongly opinionated about everything. She is superficial.
Since sobering up,I’ve become more assertive. I’ve told her how bad I feel when she makes certain comments. It doesn’t change anything though. She is who she is. I am who I am. I just can’t bare to be around her anymore.
I feel guilty because we’ve been through a lot together, and I feel that I should be friends with everyone who is sober because I’m sober. Thinking this through, it just seems silly now. Life doesn’t work that way. Being sober isn’t the only thing that defines us. If someone has such negative energy and it makes me feel like crap, I shouldn’t be around them period.
Maybe I’m just growing up in my sobriety.
Thanks for listening.
Anyway, I have a friend with long term sobriety who’s been in my life for about 20 years. She was sober long before I got sober. When I stopped drinking, I thought it was great that I already had her as a sober friend. Except now I realize that I really can’t stand her! I never could. In fact, I think just being around her made me want to drink! She has the most intense aggressive personality. I feel criticized and demeaned by her. She is strongly opinionated about everything. She is superficial.
Since sobering up,I’ve become more assertive. I’ve told her how bad I feel when she makes certain comments. It doesn’t change anything though. She is who she is. I am who I am. I just can’t bare to be around her anymore.
I feel guilty because we’ve been through a lot together, and I feel that I should be friends with everyone who is sober because I’m sober. Thinking this through, it just seems silly now. Life doesn’t work that way. Being sober isn’t the only thing that defines us. If someone has such negative energy and it makes me feel like crap, I shouldn’t be around them period.
Maybe I’m just growing up in my sobriety.
Thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 356
A bit different but an old friend lost here too
I had an old friend, known him 40 years. When I stopped drinking it really put an end to the friendship. He wanted me to party with him and got mad when I did not. I tried to get him to go to a doctor but he refused. I think he is on the path to drinking himself to death. It is sad to admit that many of my friends were fellow drinkers and drug takers. Leaving those people behind is not easy.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Yes, breaking up with old friends can be hard and complicated.
I feel for you with your sober friend. But you're right, you've got to do what's best for you. And if she makes you feel bad that's kind of a toxic relationship.
Personally, as you describe it, I think I would put this person out of my life.
But that's just me.
Do what's best for you. And best to you in sobriety.
I feel for you with your sober friend. But you're right, you've got to do what's best for you. And if she makes you feel bad that's kind of a toxic relationship.
Personally, as you describe it, I think I would put this person out of my life.
But that's just me.
Do what's best for you. And best to you in sobriety.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
I can empathize as well! Like Jim I have a friend who I fear will lose his struggle with alcohol. I have very little contact with him now - our life trajectories are just too different.
Breaking up with friends is hard- even though I have learned that sometimes there is a reason or twenty, and sometimes it's just...what happens....
Ditto the above to take care of yourself and YOUR sobriety.
Breaking up with friends is hard- even though I have learned that sometimes there is a reason or twenty, and sometimes it's just...what happens....
Ditto the above to take care of yourself and YOUR sobriety.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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Fearless, I found that I looked at my relationships in a different light when I was sober. And, yes, there is no room for anyone with negative energy in my life. There is no need to feel guilty. 
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 177
"Maybe I'm just growing up in soberity" I think i am too. I think it's natural to distance ourselves from heavy drinker s etc but people we know a long time is different, cos we may while drinking let a lot of things fly with these people, but now we're sober , we're different people , were no longer sick and poisoned and just going along , now with sober eyes were reassessing these people and going What the hell was I thinking, this guy is a jerk or she s as mean as whatever, This has to be all good though. We are sharpening up I believe, getting back to old selves.
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Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,163
Fearless,
So good to see your post -- always nice to see you.
I will save you the details but i have a friend just like your friend, but she is also a total drunk. She lost her son who was one of the best people I have ever known at 25 to a drug overdose in her own home, none of us even knew he was using anything. His younger 20 YO bro is shattered and now trying to self destruct through alcohol and drugs -- suspended from uni etc. and now coming home to a mother who drinks herself to oblivion every day of his life. I am so scared what that boy is going to do, what they all are going to do. The father is around but in total denial about the boy's problems and my friend refuses to acknowledge on any level that she is part of the problem.
The amount of disfucntion is hard to describe. But we have been friends for more than 50 years and I feel like I can't desert her. But the negative energy and critisism is hard to bear.
I learned from living too long in an awful marriage what toxic does to you, if you can, be stronger than me and walk away. Kindly. My therapist always tells me if I dont like someone they dont like me either, so no need to even feel bad, you are doing both of you a favor. But it aint easy.
So good to see you.
So good to see your post -- always nice to see you.
I will save you the details but i have a friend just like your friend, but she is also a total drunk. She lost her son who was one of the best people I have ever known at 25 to a drug overdose in her own home, none of us even knew he was using anything. His younger 20 YO bro is shattered and now trying to self destruct through alcohol and drugs -- suspended from uni etc. and now coming home to a mother who drinks herself to oblivion every day of his life. I am so scared what that boy is going to do, what they all are going to do. The father is around but in total denial about the boy's problems and my friend refuses to acknowledge on any level that she is part of the problem.
The amount of disfucntion is hard to describe. But we have been friends for more than 50 years and I feel like I can't desert her. But the negative energy and critisism is hard to bear.
I learned from living too long in an awful marriage what toxic does to you, if you can, be stronger than me and walk away. Kindly. My therapist always tells me if I dont like someone they dont like me either, so no need to even feel bad, you are doing both of you a favor. But it aint easy.
So good to see you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 64
Fearless, I have found that how I spend my time and my energy has changed drastically now that I don't drink. I welcome all positive energy with open arms. If the feelings I get from others are not positive, I walk in the opposite direction.
I have wasted too much time and want what time I have left to be meaningful. You are a good person who deserves positive energy from your friends. Be good to yourself and move on. Trust yourself and your feelings. Peace to you.
I have wasted too much time and want what time I have left to be meaningful. You are a good person who deserves positive energy from your friends. Be good to yourself and move on. Trust yourself and your feelings. Peace to you.
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