Dating in Recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 113
Dating in Recovery
So this is kind of new to me with the dating apps of today but stating that I don't drink brings up the question of me having previous drinking issues. I am unsure that it is something I am comfortable sharing with a stranger nor is it something that solely defines who I am as a person. The stigma of being an alcoholic in recovery is still negative even if I'm working a program.
I can understand not wanting to get involved with a recovering addict when there are others that don't have that issue to contend with. I guess I'm simply not sure at what point I let someone know that I am in recovery. I figure it would be after we get to know each other and see if we even want to start something but when I'm getting these questions before the first date or very early on I feel like I'm not being honest when I simply state that it's a personal choice based on my current lifestyle and do not reveal that I am in recovery and did in fact have a drinking problem.
Anyone else out there deal with similar situations?
Thanks in advance.
I can understand not wanting to get involved with a recovering addict when there are others that don't have that issue to contend with. I guess I'm simply not sure at what point I let someone know that I am in recovery. I figure it would be after we get to know each other and see if we even want to start something but when I'm getting these questions before the first date or very early on I feel like I'm not being honest when I simply state that it's a personal choice based on my current lifestyle and do not reveal that I am in recovery and did in fact have a drinking problem.
Anyone else out there deal with similar situations?
Thanks in advance.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
I'm not dating 
but I think you are right to not bring up the topic of recovery right away and for sure, not on the first date. I think saying 'it's a personal choice based on my current lifestyle' is being honest. There is no need to get into more detail when you first meet someone. However, if things continue, it would probably be a good idea to discuss your recovery before too long.
but I think you are right to not bring up the topic of recovery right away and for sure, not on the first date. I think saying 'it's a personal choice based on my current lifestyle' is being honest. There is no need to get into more detail when you first meet someone. However, if things continue, it would probably be a good idea to discuss your recovery before too long.
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 3,514
Where I live people look at you as if you're an alien from outer space if you were not to drink. However one of the best relationships I had was when I was dating someone who didn't drink by choice. It was before my drinking had got out of control so when we went out for a meal etc I felt under no pressure to drink.
If your new to recovery it's usually best to leave dating alone while you work on sobriety. If you've been in recovery for a while then you don't need to feel uncomfortable. Just saying I don't like drinking might be enough. Or you may strike it lucky and find someone like the ex I mentioned above, someone who doesn't drink anyway. The problem then is if things work out well then you have to then socialise with his or her friends, family etc and someone is bound to be nosey and want to know why you don't like drinking. I suppose then it depends on how comfortable you are with your sobriety and how confident you are as a person. Personally I hate it when people ask why I don't want to have an alcoholic drink. Like I said in the first line, people find it weird and it often makes them uncomfortable. But that's their problem.
If your new to recovery it's usually best to leave dating alone while you work on sobriety. If you've been in recovery for a while then you don't need to feel uncomfortable. Just saying I don't like drinking might be enough. Or you may strike it lucky and find someone like the ex I mentioned above, someone who doesn't drink anyway. The problem then is if things work out well then you have to then socialise with his or her friends, family etc and someone is bound to be nosey and want to know why you don't like drinking. I suppose then it depends on how comfortable you are with your sobriety and how confident you are as a person. Personally I hate it when people ask why I don't want to have an alcoholic drink. Like I said in the first line, people find it weird and it often makes them uncomfortable. But that's their problem.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Minnesota, USA
Posts: 1,468
I was on dating apps.
I personally am up front, even on my profile I say SOBER!
If they have questions from there my answer is:
I am a recovering alcoholic, I was a weekend warrior, LOL. I go to AA and Sobriety is my #1 so everything else doesn't have to suffer.
If they do not like me for that, they are not the one for me.
I then ask them about their drinking habits, I want to know if this would be a person I am comfortable with. If they drink occasionally, I am ok with that. I have caught men in lies about how much they really do drink, which I ended up blocking them and move to the next until I find my person who will accept me and able to handle it.
I will say there are things I personally avoid.
I do not want to be with someone who suffers from depression or anxiety, it's too much for me to deal with. So, I think it is fair if there is something I do not want to deal with, it is OK if someone else can't deal with my alcoholism. It is my issue not their just like depression and anxiety.
I waited a year before I started to think about dating. - I think this is wonderful advice.
Best of luck
I personally am up front, even on my profile I say SOBER!
If they have questions from there my answer is:
I am a recovering alcoholic, I was a weekend warrior, LOL. I go to AA and Sobriety is my #1 so everything else doesn't have to suffer.
If they do not like me for that, they are not the one for me.
I then ask them about their drinking habits, I want to know if this would be a person I am comfortable with. If they drink occasionally, I am ok with that. I have caught men in lies about how much they really do drink, which I ended up blocking them and move to the next until I find my person who will accept me and able to handle it.
I will say there are things I personally avoid.
I do not want to be with someone who suffers from depression or anxiety, it's too much for me to deal with. So, I think it is fair if there is something I do not want to deal with, it is OK if someone else can't deal with my alcoholism. It is my issue not their just like depression and anxiety.
I waited a year before I started to think about dating. - I think this is wonderful advice.
Best of luck
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
For me, recovery is a life and death matter, period. One thing this means is that I don't allow anything or anyone in my life that doesn't support my choice to be sober and live my best life in every way, best I can.
I am completely open about my recovery, period. It is a unique story in many ways, but I reconnected with my high school boyfriend when I was five mo sober and he asked me to lunch out of the blue. Definitely one of the first three things I said to him was that I quit drinking. We have been married just over a year- turns out he was a month sober at that first lunch. If he hadn't been ok with my recovery, he would just be the sweet guy I dated a long time ago.
Being completely ok with myself has to come before making decisions and sticking to what is right for me hasn't steered me wrong in 2 yr 9.5 mo sober.
I am completely open about my recovery, period. It is a unique story in many ways, but I reconnected with my high school boyfriend when I was five mo sober and he asked me to lunch out of the blue. Definitely one of the first three things I said to him was that I quit drinking. We have been married just over a year- turns out he was a month sober at that first lunch. If he hadn't been ok with my recovery, he would just be the sweet guy I dated a long time ago.
Being completely ok with myself has to come before making decisions and sticking to what is right for me hasn't steered me wrong in 2 yr 9.5 mo sober.
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Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,972
Hi Janis. I’m not dating and I’m so glad I’m not out there anymore. Been married way too long! But this issue does come up when I make new friends. It seems like lately that’s a lot. What I’ve learned to say is “it (alcohol) just doesn’t agree with me anymore.” If someone presses me on that, I just tell the truth. It affects my sleep, my energy and mood, my weight, etc. It never used to. But it does now. Of course there is a deeper story. I’ve never shared the full story with anyone. I was a private drinker and a private recoverer. Over time, I’ve shared more and more with my husband, and bits and pieces have come out here and there on SR. But I’m not focused on my past behavior. I’m moving forward. My thoughts and actions today are what matter.
If I was dating and the relationship grew more involved, at some point I’d share progressively more details. Naturally, that’s what happens in general. As an analogy, I don’t start off by telling any new person in my life that two of my siblings committed suicide, that I had a dysfunctional childhood, etc. It’s just TMI. I think too much personal detail in the beginning makes people uncomfortable. Everyone is different, though. Some are fine with sharing intimately early on. Some are also ok receiving this information. Just keep in mind people do form judgments about alcohol and recovery. I’d want someone to get to know more of me first so they don’t just grab onto this one thing about me and make a judgment.
If I was dating and the relationship grew more involved, at some point I’d share progressively more details. Naturally, that’s what happens in general. As an analogy, I don’t start off by telling any new person in my life that two of my siblings committed suicide, that I had a dysfunctional childhood, etc. It’s just TMI. I think too much personal detail in the beginning makes people uncomfortable. Everyone is different, though. Some are fine with sharing intimately early on. Some are also ok receiving this information. Just keep in mind people do form judgments about alcohol and recovery. I’d want someone to get to know more of me first so they don’t just grab onto this one thing about me and make a judgment.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Tyne and Wear, UK
Posts: 1,538
I'm currently dating a lady and I told her early on that I was a recovering alcoholic. If that was a problem, I wanted it out in the open.
Still seeing her, so thankfully it hasn't scared her off.
Still seeing her, so thankfully it hasn't scared her off.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Me, I wouldn’t make it a thing., at least early on.
I agree that stating past issues with drinking could color perceptions going forward.
If it gets as far as a meal together, I would simply order the non a beverage of my choice and enjoy the evening.
If pressed as to why no wine or pre meal cocktail, I would say that I like lemonade or sparkling water.
My experience has been that, for the most part, people don’t notice these things all that much.
I agree that stating past issues with drinking could color perceptions going forward.
If it gets as far as a meal together, I would simply order the non a beverage of my choice and enjoy the evening.
If pressed as to why no wine or pre meal cocktail, I would say that I like lemonade or sparkling water.
My experience has been that, for the most part, people don’t notice these things all that much.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
I have a lot of friends in the dating scene. Most of us are middle aged and older and many have had previous relationships with substance abusers, and are understandably cautious. I know that they would prefer to know VERY early on because some simply don't want an addict of any type in their life. They are still recovering from loving someone in active addiction!
It's not only our own recovery we need to be mindful of. Others have had experiences that shape who they are seeking in a partner.
I'd put sober on my profile, and if it looked like things were going to progress past a third date I would definitely tell the person I was seeing, so they can make an informed decision early on and so I have an idea how they feel about addiction/recovery.
I did follow that when I was dating. I am now in a relationship with another recovering addict that I met in 12 step.
It's not only our own recovery we need to be mindful of. Others have had experiences that shape who they are seeking in a partner.
I'd put sober on my profile, and if it looked like things were going to progress past a third date I would definitely tell the person I was seeing, so they can make an informed decision early on and so I have an idea how they feel about addiction/recovery.
I did follow that when I was dating. I am now in a relationship with another recovering addict that I met in 12 step.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2018
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 76
This has been a recent challenge for me. Being from the UK, it is surprising how much, listing that I don't drink alienates people. In the past I'd get more contact but this time far less. If anyone ever asked about it I just say, I want to live a cleaner healthier life, don't need it, more productive without, done enough drinking for one lifetime, bores me. I was recently contacted by someone else who barely drinks and loved that I don't drink as they are really into their health, we got talking and had a great date together, my first sober date in about 15 years! They didn't ask too many questions about why I don't drink as it wasn't an issue for them. Of course as things develop I'll open up. Dating someone that doesn't drink removes a weight, they are harder to find but it's worth the wait.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 524
I'm in the exact same position. In fact nearly every single one of my relapses has been caused by me not being upfront about my sobriety on a dating app, and then going on a date and choosing to drink so as to come across as a "normal guy". Path of least resistance, don't want to make it an issue etc
it's wrong of course. It seems most women I meet are quite active drinkers. The few I meet who don't drink unfortunately I've not been interested in for other compatibility reasons. It's hard enough finding a suitable partner without introducing not drinking into the equation. I've decided that with all future dates I am going to say I don't drink and be very strict about it. I don't want to put it on my profile as I don't want to discourage potential matches before I've even connected with them. But yeah, I've met a nice woman last week, drinking it seems is a big part of her life, it's quite frustrating all around.
it's wrong of course. It seems most women I meet are quite active drinkers. The few I meet who don't drink unfortunately I've not been interested in for other compatibility reasons. It's hard enough finding a suitable partner without introducing not drinking into the equation. I've decided that with all future dates I am going to say I don't drink and be very strict about it. I don't want to put it on my profile as I don't want to discourage potential matches before I've even connected with them. But yeah, I've met a nice woman last week, drinking it seems is a big part of her life, it's quite frustrating all around.
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