KinseyMillhone

In the past, I've been able to quit for various periods of time. I love my sober life and I can pinpoint to most of my life successes to sober periods. The list of reasons not to drink is a mile long.

But ...

It gets frustrating when I seem to be doing well, and have such clarity about living a sober life. Then out of the blue- there I am, ordering a drink like I've never heard of sobriety. Where's the voice that tells me I'm throwing all away? It's like years of reprogramming are out the window. I'm sure it starts days or weeks before, where the AV suggests some idea that I don't quite catch or I've let my defenses down and don't remember that I can't have just one. But as it stands, in these cases I'm very unaware I have changed my stance on drinking until it's too late.

I call it robot drinking.

Clearly, my sobriety toolbox doesn't include a tool for catching this before it happens. Other than getting a forehead tattoo that says "Don't give me a drink", does anyone have a tool they can share?

wildflower70

I have gone through this for the past 5 years, many months of sobriety, swearing I never want to go back to the way things were, and no obvious cravings for a drink. And then....

BAM, there I am ordering a drink at dinner or picking up a bottle of wine at the grocery store. These things happened to me without warning, without any argument with my AV.....

For me, I think it's the way society glorifies drinking, it will always be a constant trigger. The handsome couple giggling over a bottle of bubbly, a beautiful beach bar serving up fruity umbrella drinks...

I am back at 3 months sober today, so I can only speak for what I'm doing now to overcome the delusion that drinking is all rainbows and butterflies. Read the Day 1's posted here on SR.

No rainbows and butterflies in those scenarios...

KinseyMillhone

Congrats on3 months,wildflower! Interesting that you mentioned the role of alcohol in society- I've been working on this. Every day I'm barraged with the message that drinking is normal and pleasurable, while if I stop counteracting that message with the addendum that it's poisonous, addictive, and destructive to my life I hear the wrong message. Alcohol is everywhere.

I like your idea of reading Day 1 stories, because I seem to forget my own.

Free2bme888

Congrats wildflower!!


You got this

I play the tape forward.

Just read thread ‘what has alcohol taken from you?’

Good reminders.

After the physical withdrawal, it is a mental addiction. So you need to play different tapes in your head

For me I read about AVRT. It has helped immensely

Calmerwaters

I had about 4 relapses in an 18 month period. Getting to 90 days, then yes, what I describe as an 'out of body' experience....where drinking me would take over my body, I'd cross the street up to the bottle shop I'd go. Like a rat on a wheel.

It was like there was sober me - beautiful, kind, happy person. Then drinking me, just ignoring all the good work sober me was doing.

The BIGGEST thing, apart from having a plan, journalling, and toolbox like how to deal with HALT (Am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired?)....was to do this ONE THING, that always worked.

The very minute, the moment, I romanticised, or entertained crossing the road, or how good a drink would taste, I'd immediately (and I mean immediately!) zap that thought with the image and feeling of me dry retching up the sour vinegar taste of red wine.
I did this immediately and instantly EVERY SINGLE TIME I thought of alcohol. No if's or buts. I associated the most disgusting sensations I could. I swapped out any good idea or impression of alcohol into a foul and disgusting one.

And that, really truly broke the habit of wanting a drink. Just committing to erasing any good thought of alcohol truly made ALL the difference.

Alcohol actually tricks our brain into thinking the last time we drank was more pleasant than it was, but interrupting that garbage, and short-circuiting the loop of lies, made a lasting change to my sobriety.

biminiblue

Glad to see you back, Kinsey.

I lost a significant amount of weight a few years ago. That is also difficult to maintain. I'm nearly at five years sober but I don't feel like I can ever stop being vigilant about this thing. It wants to kill me. I agree with Wildflower, stay connected to this site. You'll never read a happy Day 1 story.

I had such a protracted and miserable early sobriety that I never ever ever want to go back there. I can pull up from my memory the abject horror, immobilizing fear, depression, blackness, self-hatred, soul-sucking shame that was the end of my drinking.

I sat down in early sobriety and wrote out the history of my drinking. It was ugly and horrifying - starting at age 13 and laying in the bathtub puking, right on through to the end it was a series of awful events. Not much fun left. One hour of quiet brain? In the end that was all I got from it. Not worth the 23 hours of misery.

Now I have a quiet brain almost all the time. The peace that comes from continuous sobriety is so worth the effort and initial discomfort.

doggonecarl

I don't believe there is such a thing as unconscious, or robot, drinking. But I do think that once the decision is made to drink, it is easy to block out the rational part of our brain that knows drinking isn't a good idea. Addiction is powerful. Powerful enough to push aside the rational mind. But it's not un-defeatable.

If you can decide that drinking is a good idea, and then drink, have you truly accepted that sobriety--never drinking again--is what you want? An acceptance that one can never drink again and an unwavering commitment to sobriety are powerful tools.

zerothehero

It comes down to awareness and practice:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TN23YiGkAQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rTfGFin0y74
It gets easier. I went through cycles of drinking/drugging and sobriety. I credit almost five years sober now to awareness and practice, summarized in the videos above.

Practice makes better.

Finalround

Yes. This for sure. Don't let yourself forget how awful you felt after drinking.

Anna

You might find it helpful to check in here at SR regularly. You can join in on th 24 hour thread if you like:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...art-421-a.html (24 Hour Recovery Connections Part 421)

D122y

Kin,

I was a daily drinker.

Sometimes when I did drink, i took drinking way to far for me.

I drank until I was extremely drunk over and over. Most people do that 1 or 2 times in their lives....if ever.

I have lived w shot of booze once in a while, but when I accept that I can continue to do that, I leave the door open for a binge. It is like a freight train coming.

This understanding is right next to my breathing. I can control my breathing, but I can't stop it. Drinking can be controlled and stopped.

Not drinking booze stands separate from all other activities. It can best relate to an eating disorder. When the crave hits, I suffer.

It has to be in my cross check at all times. Like driving a car. I can't just decide to stop looking around while driving. Drinking booze is like that. Always on the look out.

But, while I am maturely on the look out, I have a blast. I accept my situation and I free myself.

Accepting the situation and moving forward is freedom.

Thanks.

Wholesome

In AVRT we call that vertigo. Next time you find yourself in that position where drinking seems inevitable, try telling yourself that you are experiencing vertigo and hopefully, just by labeling it, it should be enough to right you back into your correct thinking and "self". Your real self doesn't want to drink anymore, so any thoughts of drinking gets assigned to AV thinking and ignored. If you haven't read Rational Recovery The New Cure, you should. It talks about this subject in more detail and explains it far better than I just did!

Fearlessat50

This is such a good topic. Thanks for starting this thread. I absolutely believe that robotic drinking can happen when we let our guard down. I had many relapses before and they all happened in moments like what you describe, when I least expected it, after months of sobriety. I believe this occurred because I had gotten to a point where I believed I was “recovered” and I no longer needed to think about my sobriety. I had become complacent. I practice against that now. We are never recovered from addiction. Recovery is a life long journey and for me it takes daily practice.

It’s too easy to slip back into years of hardwired thoughts and behaviors if we are not always on alert and working to reinforce new programming.

I think there’s good tips here from others, like rational recovery/AVRT, labeling an urge to drink as vertigo, or forcing yourself to think about and visualize the terrible way you felt and bad things that happened the last time you drank. Then imagine how much better your life is by not drinking.

Jim1958

I am not sure I have experienced that unless I was actively drinking. Then the nightly stop at the store for a 12 pack was automatic. Or an 18 pack. You get the idea. When I am sober, it is much more of a trigger thing. Something happens and I want to drink, to numb things out and forget. I know that is the AV talking but it can be powerful when triggered, at least for me.

DriGuy

I can't remember drinking like a robot, but it wouldn't surprise me if I had. What I remember mostly was hurrying home from work and wanting to relax with a drink. Once home, I would walk to the bottle on the kitchen counter knowing that peace was within my grasp. I would savor picking it up, unscrewing the cap and listening to the reassuring gurgle as I poured two or three fingers of the stuff in my tall glass. None of this was unconscious. It was thought out planned and executed knowing exactly what I was doing. I seldom anticipated the results to play out as they did, but taking that first drink was anything but an unconscious act.

However, I do unconscious things at the store. I know better than to eat junk food, and I tell myself not to, but I can walk down an isle and grab a bag of cookies without processing the action at all. I know I'm reaching for a bag of cookies, of course, but all the warnings and admonitions I've given myself never even enter my head. By the time I get to the checkout, I might ask myself, "Why did I buy these," but I don't want to make a scene and go put the cookies back, while everyone is waiting in line.

Why I do something like that time and again? I don't know. It's just plain nuts.

KinseyMillhone

Wow- some really great tips, suggestions, and resources here. Thank you, everyone!

I originally quit drinking with AVRT in 2006. I find it so very helpful in recognizing when my lizard brain is speaking (any reason to drink is the AV, not me). And when I do make a firm commitment to sobriety, I think, it lasts as long as I take care of that commitment. The first time I went back to drinking after 5 years, I really didn't understand the power of addition or addictive substances. I soon learned, though, through my inevitable downward spiral and struggle to quit again- or really, make that commitment again. Ordering a drink was an unplanned event and I made the wrong choice in trying to moderate.

When I finally did regain my sobriety, I was vigilant and I worked hard to maintain my commitment. But I also burned the candle at both ends and became tired, worn out. When I ordered a drink I didn't recognize the AV- I had been completely distracted and had forgotten that although rare after a few years, I had to watch out for the AV and maintain my commitment. In my life, the AV has a choir of voices that live in my husband, co-workers, and extended family. There is no room to forget my commitment.

I guess, then, I might define robot drinking in active addiction as my response to the AV- I get a drink.
So in sobriety, the act of robot drinking is a response to the AV- but I can choose otherwise if I remain tuned in.

It's sneaky, but it only ever wants one thing- alcohol. For example, I used to like to make water kefir. After fermentation, it has about the same amount of alcohol as ripe fruit or juice (0.05% or so). However, if you really work at it, you can up the alcohol amount a little bit by adding more sugar and adjusting the fermentation process. While sober, I found myself adding more sugar. In my mind, I was making it more "potent" until I asked myself why. I realized it was my sneaky AV and immediately gave away all my equipment. I almost didn't recognize it!

Carl's comment hit home, and I spent some time asking myself whether I was committed to lifetime sobriety at this time. I'd kind of assumed I was, but I found I was committed to trying. That is not a lifelong commitment.

I actually wrote a vow, because a lifelong commitment takes time, attention and care. Like any life-altering decision, it will take some adjustment, so I'd better get to the care and feeding of my sobriety!

August252015

Interesting thoughts - in short, I'd say that having made a completely different "equation" the deal is part of my now-automatic mode. I don't drink - I do anything else I want. I don't have to drink, surely don't need to drink (like I did), and don't want to - and that means being free. The things I do every day to support that equation are, as you said, for the "care and feeding" of the good healthy life I want!

Calmerwaters

Thanks for sharing your story, Kinsey. I think each of us is different, and while you keep trying to unlock the secret to how to stop drinking, that is a positive thing at least.

There is no one right path or way to the answer that is going to be right for you. For a long time, I wondered, what is this magical thing I am missing, why can others achieve it and I can't?

I agree with Carl and did not mention it in my post. I would have once agreed it was "robotic thinking"...but it's not. We each are present in the moment we choose to be. If someone you loved was about to step out in front of a speeding car, you would spring to action to stop an accident from occurring. When we choose to drink, we choose to look away, 'pretend not to see', and give in to our brains habit of coping.

My way of being present was to interrupt the thought, with the foulest memory of vomiting and gagging possible. I have no doubt if I kept drinking, that I would fry my brain and die from it. It may not be in 5 years, it may not be in 10. But the possibility it could be any day, if even only purely from stumbling home in black out, was enough for me to step in.

I'd also ask yourself, do you still feel like you are missing out by not drinking? To me, drinking isn't even about having a good time, it just doesn't register as a pleasant activity for me any more. Yes, it's years of conditioning my brain to erase the lies alcohol wanted me to believe, but I was willing to rewire my brain. Before then, I really was not 100% willing to let go of thinking alcohol was attractive in some way. It was like believing my favourite lover had not really loved me at all, and I was not ready to let my fantasy of alcohol go. I really wasn't.

I realise that now. But every time I 'gave up' alcohol. I truly believe deep down that I felt I was 'giving up' something. Now I know I just have to 'stop' putting alcohol in my body. That is all. It's that simple.

Dee74

I called it fugue drinking KM or autopilot - I was conscious but so focused on the drink ahead, I was pretty much unthinking.

There was always a point where the 'spell' broke tho - sometimes before I got to the shop, sometimes after, sometimes not until I opened the bottle at home, but there was always a chance to change my mind.

I never took advantage of that opportunity for years...then I did, and things got better

There's always a chance (or chances) to choose the right road and its never too late to be who you always wanted to be