| MLD51 | 12-07-2018 08:38 AM |
4 Years Sober - Experience, strength and hope
Hello fellow SR folks,
I recently passed the 4-year mark (Tuesday, the 4th). I wanted to take some time to write a few words of experience, strength, and hope. In AA, we say, “if you want to keep it, you have to give it away.” I believe in this very much.
A little about how I got here. I was a 51-year-old woman who had completely lost her way in life. I was going through the motions, keeping things together (barely) and using alcohol in extremely unhealthy ways. There were days I was so depressed and full of shame that I thought the world would be better off if I was dead. I hated myself. My life was a wasteland, basically. And on December 4th, 2014, I got my third DUI. Sitting in the police station that night being booked, I had what I can only call a spiritual experience. I surrendered completely in a moment. I knew I had to change everything, or my life would surely end in a haze of pain, regret, and broken promises. I think the cop was puzzled, because I was not crying or horribly upset. I was smiling and calm. I knew something he didn’t know in that moment - I was going to take action the minute I got home, and start figuring out how to live a life I could be proud of. I knew what I needed to do.
I called a friend who was in recovery at one in the morning. He kindly answered and offered to take me to a meeting in a day or two. He also recommended the IOP program he had gone to. I called them the very next day and started the process of getting into treatment. I went to that first AA meeting a couple of days later. I admitted to everyone who would listen that I was an alcoholic (what a relief to say those words out loud!!). I committed pretty much every fiber of my being to sobriety in those early months, finished treatment, went to AA several times a week, joined my class here on SR, went to jail for a couple of weeks (not fun, but a good time for reflecting on what I had done). I started cleaning up the messes I had made of my relationships and finances, and began the process of learning who I am deep down inside – what my real values and morals are, what makes me “tick,” what I want the rest of my life to look like. I had completely lost sight of all those things in the drinking years.
I’m happy to report that I’m figuring out how to live the kind of life I really want, not the kind of life I used to THINK I wanted. It has not been easy. There were times I didn’t think I could do it. Times here and there when I thought about giving up. It’s not easy or fun to own up to all the things I did that I regret while drinking. It’s hard to approach people I have hurt and offer amends. It would have been far easier to sweep it all back under the rug and pretend it wasn’t there, like I did when I drank. But I believed the people who told me the only way to have lasting peace is to be completely honest, with myself and others, and to own my actions. After all – the people telling me that already had what I wanted. I had to take their word for it. So, I stopped lying (and boy, I had gotten good at it). I made amends. I started to be a real adult. I found out that when I do the next right thing, all day every day, the shame started to fall away. I wasn’t creating new messes to clean up. I began to like myself – something I didn’t think I could do when I was at my lowest points.
Today my life is so much better than I ever thought it could be. It’s not a big fancy life. Nothing monumental has happened, really, like moving to a new place, getting a big new job, or having the relationship of my dreams. It’s not glamourous. It’s a simple life, and I’m REALLY OK WITH THAT. I take care of the people I love. I take care of my pets. I pay my bills on time. I show up to work ready to do my best. I take care of myself better than I ever did before, both physically and mentally. I face life’s challenges, big and small, knowing I can get through them without resorting to drama and alcohol. I have stopped trying to control everything and learned to let things happen the way they are supposed to. I have peace, most of the time. Yeah, I still get anxious and upset. Things still happen that throw me off for a while. Life is still life. Always will be.
But I don’t have to drink. I don’t WANT to drink. My coping mechanisms have changed completely. Working the steps of AA and continuing to go to meetings helps keep me on the right track, as does meditation, time in nature, and continued contact with friends near and far who are sober and understand me and what I’ve been through. I give SR lots of credit for pulling me along in the early days, and connecting me with people I really consider true friends, even if we have not met face-to-face. What a god-send this place is.
Well, my few words turned into a bit of a novel. And there’s so much more I could say. But know this if you are struggling and wondering if you can do it – truly, if I could get this far, so can you. Keep reaching out. Stay connected. Find the things and people that support your quest for sobriety and peace. Let go of the people and things that work against you. Simplify as much as you can. Do the next right thing every day. Don’t drink, no matter what. Take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, if you need to. And before you know it, you’ll realize you have strung together 10, 100, 1000 days and more.
Peace. |
